Surely this goes beyond acting

[SteveMonaro]

I feel like my relationship is falling apart. My wife (not actually married but together over 20 years) is starting to ask things that are, or should be, so far out of bounds it begs the question about what her motivation is.

So to paint the picture my wife found acting was her passion in her mid 30’s. It started with community theater but she was good, really good, and quickly got recommended for better roles in bigger productions. She found her niche and it was in erotic thrillers and that’s what has lead to my concerns now.

So we went through the times when she had to kiss other guys and women, I allowed that. Then there was full nudity. I wasn’t comfortable with that but she convinced me. Then it progressed further to having a scene with people licking her nipples. I said yes initially but really regretted it after. Now it’s on film forever. There’s been plenty of simulated sex scenes but I’m only concerned about the real stuff.

Now she has been cast in a really substantial role. It’s a massive achievement. It’s going to pay over two years worth of wages for a 6-8 week shoot. But the kicker here is that there is an oral sex scene with two men where the director demands it’s not simulated. Of course I said no way. My wife went back to them and they compromised, if you can even call it that, and they will allow the finish over her breasts instead of face. It’s still a no way from me.

I thought that would be it. Surely my feelings count. But I’m getting guilt tripped here. It’s the chance of a lifetime. Why would you stop me from being successful. It’s only acting. She begged me to at least think about it so I relented and said yes even though I knew I wouldn’t change my mind. Then I just happened to be speaking to one of the producers and they assured me there would be minimal people in the room but the biggest takeaway I took that blew me away was that depending on how it goes they might need to shoot the scene more than once.

There is no other way to look at it now. They want my wife, and she wants to as well, have oral sex with two men to completion, not once, but maybe two, three, four times, who knows. And to her it’s not cheating, it’s acting. Sorry, I can’t see the difference.

The latest I got from her was, “don’t make me do it without your permission”. What? Are you kidding me? We’ve been together 21 years and now it’s come down to letting my wife do this or walk away from our relationship and she’ll do it anyway. I don’t know how to save this and time is running out for her to back out of this role.

[Gebidozo]

Neither you nor your wife are wrong here.

She is right that what she’s been doing isn’t cheating, since you knew about that and agreed to that, reluctantly or not.

And you are right in that you are fully entitled to feel very uncomfortable about what she’s been doing.

Your mistake is that you didn’t make it clear to her from the beginning that her acting in erotic scenes was a dealbreaker to you.

Don’t spend your time and energy on being outraged. She has made her choice, she wants to do porn, and that is more important to her than you or your marriage.

I don’t say that by way of condemnation, I don’t think that what she is doing is unethical. But personally, I wouldn’t be okay with that, and clearly you aren’t okay with that either. It looks like breaking up with her might be the only option now.

Unless, of course, you find some way to be sincerely okay with what she’s doing.

[SteveMonaro]

38 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

She has made her choice, she wants to do porn

Thanks for the reply. I agree with all you said but I wouldn't classify what she does as porn, not even close in fact.

I mean I focused on a few scenes here so it probably makes it sound bad but they are just once scene in a much longer movie where sometimes the rest of the movie has very little scenes of a sexual nature.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, SteveMonaro said:

They want my wife, and she wants to as well, have oral sex with two men to completion, not once, but maybe two, three, four times, who knows. And to her it’s not cheating, it’s acting.

So it's porn. Right? 

Let's call a spade a spade here. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, SteveMonaro said:

I wouldn't classify what she does as porn, not even close in fact.

You can classify it as you like, but a video of non-simulated oral sex is porn. Hardcore porn, in fact.

Licking nipples is softporn, perhaps.

But any non-simulated sexual act performed for the camera is pornographic by definition. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the movie is dedicated to Schopenhauer’s philosophy or fine wines.

Anyway, definitions don’t matter here. You were feeling uncomfortable already when she was doing scenes with full nudity, which might have not necessarily been pornographic. You should have set the boundaries or break up right there and then.

It appears to me that you’re still trying to justify your wife’s behavior and downplay its content. You don’t need to. It’s not about the morality of what she’s been doing, it’s about you not being fine with it.

 

[FredEire]

Yeah in all honesty anything with a full non-simulated oral sex scene is porn. I'm not familiar with the genre but it sounds like something designed for people who aren't comfortable with themselves watching straight up porn so they watch this kind of packaged version "for the story".

I would not be comfortable with my partner doing this either. By the sounds of it there's really only one solution to this, because when that genie's out of the bottle it's very difficult to put back in. If you managed to talk her into quitting it would lead to resentment on her end, lingering suspicion on your end. If you gave in and let her go ahead and do it it would be you feeling the resentment. Either way nobody wins.

[MsJayne]

Does it really matter? I think once you reach that point where you decide you hate poverty more than you hate sin, and you're prepared to sacrifice certain things, and you make the decision to enter the sex industry, there's really no point differentiating between the different types of, (legal), porn in order to make yourself feel better about your choices. You clearly don't like that your partner is a sex worker, so you need to end it. 

[Sony12]

Any scene where they show a penis in her mouth is porn. Respectable films do have oral sex scenes in them as well but they generally aren't allowed to actually show an act that specific. Generally it will be a situation where the female character goes down below where the camera is focused and the camera will just show the man's reaction to what is supposedly going on.

There indeed is a lot of money for women in porn but but does your wife understand the target audience a film like this would be aiming for? 99% of the people who will watch this type of production will just skip through the remaining story and just watch the sex scenes. Does your wife understand that or does she legitimately think people will care about her performance outside of how she looks naked and how good of dick sucking skills she has?

If she understands that then it is her decision. But a woman performing oral sex onscreen isn't really acting. It's just having sex on screen. There is money in it but she is on the road to becoming a porn actress not a regular actress. Is that what she wants?

[FredEire]

The big issue here as I see it is that she has been pushing your boundaries for a long time, and since you haven't pushed back you are now at a point where you're in too deep.

You can see this in the fact that neither of you actually wants to call this what it is: sex work. That's because you're not comfortable with your partner being a sex worker, she knows this and its emotionally safe to keep labelling it as just "acting".

But when you look at the cold reality of it, what you both want at this stage is just fundamentally incompatible.

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You can see this in the fact that neither of you actually wants to call this what it is: sex work. That's because you're not comfortable with your partner being a sex worker, she knows this and its emotionally safe to keep labelling it as just "acting".

I agree, 

She is delusional to think a rational partner would consider this "acting" and somehow accept it. It sounds like you're also in a sea of deniial, OP.  

 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree, 

She is delusional to think a rational partner would consider this "acting" and somehow accept it. It sounds like you're also in a sea of deniial, OP.  

 

I personally have my doubts that sex workers can have healthy committed relationships, or even that open relationships can work, as I've yet to meet anyone who fits that description who didn't seem thoroughly miserable and/or confused. But I accept that maybe those people are just wired differently to me.

But I think regardless if you're going to even attempt that kind of thing you have to be 100% honest about and ok with what it is. You're emotionally committed to one person but you'll both have sex with others as a form of release/fun/self-exploration etc. That's the idea anyway.

But if one person is coerced into it when it really doesn't sit right with them its not going to even remotely work.

Edited 13 hours ago by FredEire

[Sony12]

Back in the days of traditional cable they used to call these types of movies 'skinemax'. Would put them on late at night when censorship wasn't as tight. Would have about three or four sex scenes spread out over the course of an hour to hour and a half movie and nobody actually watched the movie outside of those three or four scenes. 

 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I personally have my doubts that sex workers can have healthy committed relationships, or even that open relationships can work, as I've yet to meet anyone who fits that description who didn't seem thoroughly miserable and/or confused. But I accept that maybe those people are just wired differently to me.

But I think regardless if you're going to even attempt that kind of thing you have to be 100% honest about and ok with what it is. You're emotionally committed to one person but you'll both have sex with others as a form of release/fun/self-exploration etc. That's the idea anyway.

But if one person is coerced into it when it really doesn't sit right with them its not going to even remotely work.

A lot of the people in that business if they do get into a relationship it is to someone else within the business 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

A lot of the people in that business if they do get into a relationship it is to someone else within the business 

Yeah makes sense as you at least have some kind of balance in your respective lifestyles.

[Sony12]

The lady in question clearly has exhibitionist tendencies. If the OP isn't exploring that with her I could see her growing bored with the relationship over time.

Perhaps he could agree to participate in only fans with her.

 

Edited 10 hours ago by Sony12

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

The lady in question clearly has exhibitionist tendencies. If the OP isn't exploring that with her I could see her growing bored with the relationship over time.

Perhaps he could agree to participate in only fans with her.

 

It sounds to me that she's already there, if she's outsourcing her desire for kink to her new career.

OP has she ever asked you for stuff like public/risky sex or shooting your own private movies, or is this somewhat out of the blue?

[SteveMonaro]

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

OP has she ever asked you for stuff like public/risky sex or shooting your own private movies, or is this somewhat out of the blue?

Thank you everyone for the replies and reinforcing what I guess I already knew. I agree with you all, I made mistakes not stopping this earlier and now it's too far gone. In hindsight I was never really comfortable with her kissing other people, especially when some of them scenes were rather hot and heavy, but I told myself this is what actors do. I guess that opened the door for her to push further and I was too stupid not to shut it. I still wouldn't classify it as porn so we can agree to disagree there, as as has been said how it's classified really doesn't matter.

As for doing this stuff before, well yes, we've had our fair share of adventures. We have made movies for our own viewing and one some rather risque stuff but it's always only ever been us. There had never ever been discussion of another people in our relationship. In fact when a couple we were friends with came out as swingers my wife was appalled and we distanced ourselves from them. That decision seems bizarre now given what I'm going through.

So I guess where we are is that I am going to reiterate where I'm at to her and then the ball is in her court. Either she respects our relationship and me and we can move forward or she totally disrespects me and my feelings and the choice will have been made for me.