What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Els]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know why you would jump to conclusions. Again all wrong. The sickness had nothing to do with it, she wasn’t dying, she was at work after a 12.5 hour shift. We didn’t have to see each other that day. I can’t leave my dogs as I’ve already said a million times, so when I see her, I get to hers for like 10.30pm and leave at 4/5am. She said can I come to yours? Do I now need to be psychic to know what she really meant was actually I’d like if you offer to come to mine. We were just going to bed, it was late. We live fifteen minutes away from each other. Not like I made her travel 3 hours when sick. She is 40 years old and should be able to communicate. 
 

And even though I have changed (even though I don’t need to) let me address your point. I suffer general anxiety anyway and ONLINE dating makes it ten times worse. I always used to feel as a man on OLD ‘ what if she’s talking to 100 other people, what if she’s dating other people’, ‘ when will she delete her profile’. Then I realized to myself I cannot single-handedly change modern dating culture. Me worrying about other people’s actions doesn’t change the outcome. So I did in the past engage in going on multiple dates to try and come to the best outcome for myself. 
 

This year is different. When I first met my current partner she was great and outgoing but also in the grieving process, around two months stage she would say stuff like ‘ I’m not sure if this is too good to be true or I’m not sure if I’m using this as escapism’. Because I’m an empathetic person I said, just give the dating stage time. No pressure, just roll with it.  Then eventually it turned into a ‘relationship’. It would have been normal iWhat I am trying to say is I’m a normal person like anyone else, I’m just trying to find out what’s right for me (also open to others opinions, hence I’m on a forum). I want marriage and kids, but obviously it’s not just me that it’s up to. I’ve found unsuitable partners. I can’t win. November last year I was ‘dating’ a woman and I expressed concern that we were intimate too quickly or a lot and she said ‘ don’t worry, it’s just because we’re into each other’. Few weeks later she had a mental breakdown and ended the relationship. What I’m trying to say is i  can’t win either way..
 

 

If you have genuinely changed, then what you need is patience. Presumably you now understand that treating everyone else like a list item doesn't work, so be willing to bide your time, and don't let yourself be reduced to an item on someone else's list either.

[S2B]

She is very immature and deleted your phone number when you don’t call her? She acts like a five year old! That’s NOT someone to have as a partner! It is HER who isn’t communicating.

it was sunshine and roses - until it wasn’t. And now that it isn’t - take a look - because this is your future if you stay with her! 
you don’t need a reason to end it - you just know it no longer feels right. That’s enough to know she isn’t a good partner by the way she has been participating the past week or so.

[Lamron300]

On 10/21/2025 at 6:57 AM, S2B said:

She is very immature and deleted your phone number when you don’t call her? She acts like a five year old! That’s NOT someone to have as a partner! It is HER who isn’t communicating.

it was sunshine and roses - until it wasn’t. And now that it isn’t - take a look - because this is your future if you stay with her! 
you don’t need a reason to end it - you just know it no longer feels right. That’s enough to know she isn’t a good partner by the way she has been participating the past week or so.

That’s how she fries my brain. Her response at the time was your silence spoke volumes. I literally didn’t say anything bad to her,  and I was out with friends. I needed time to think as the conversation which caused my silence was a big one. Anyway last week/two weeks have been normal. No arguments etc. she said it could have been as she was changing medication at the time, so felt over emotional. 

We still did not get to the point it’s crazy to delete someone’s number you’ve been dating for six months (not due to infidelity or abuse, just because I was silent after an argument). She said she did it to tempt herself not to message me. I was like what if we had kids, you’d just cut me off like that?? She said communication is important blah blah. Most reasonable people would say that was an overreaction.

Long story short is I’m someone who is trying to stay positive. I don’t want to carry unsuccessful dating stories or relationships around in my mind. But I also don’t want to mess around. 90% of the time she is fine, last two weeks have been back to ‘normal’ she even stayed at my house for four days in a row before traveling. Issue is I can’t read peoples minds. I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want to rush kids or marriage.

You aleady are, unless you two have decided to start using contraceptives. 

At the end of the day, it's up to you what kind of relationship you want. I personally don't see this one as having much chance for long-term success but those are your choices to make.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

That’s how she fries my brain. Her response at the time was your silence spoke volumes. I literally didn’t say anything bad to her,  and I was out with friends. I needed time to think as the conversation which caused my silence was a big one. Anyway last week/two weeks have been normal. No arguments etc. she said it could have been as she was changing medication at the time, so felt over emotional. 

We still did not get to the point it’s crazy to delete someone’s number you’ve been dating for six months (not due to infidelity or abuse, just because I was silent after an argument). She said she did it to tempt herself not to message me. I was like what if we had kids, you’d just cut me off like that?? She said communication is important blah blah. Most reasonable people would say that was an overreaction.

Long story short is I’m someone who is trying to stay positive. I don’t want to carry unsuccessful dating stories or relationships around in my mind. But I also don’t want to mess around. 90% of the time she is fine, last two weeks have been back to ‘normal’ she even stayed at my house for four days in a row before traveling. Issue is I can’t read peoples minds. I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 
 

 

I have a good friend who is dating a woman and says exactly the same thing, "90% of the time she is great". Different issues to your example here but the other 10% she goes into strops and starts fights with him in public. Myself and our mutual friends are pretty sure this woman is bad news for him and the 90% will soon become 80%, then 70%, etc. Nobody is on their best form 100% of the time but the important thing is that when issues come up they will be handled with mutual respect and open communication.

Apart from all that it seems like you may have chosen something far from ideal with the kids issue etc and are trying to mould it into something it isn't. It was clear from your last thread that you were feeling a bit lonely with life and the dating scene which is totally fine but trying to make something that doesnt fit fit isn't the solution to that.

Edited October 29 by FredEire

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 

Then stop rushing the kids. You don't need to talk yourself out of having them, but there's a huge difference between that and learning that someone is wrong for you AFTER it's too late.

[Lamron300]

On 10/29/2025 at 2:46 PM, FredEire said:

I have a good friend who is dating a woman and says exactly the same thing, "90% of the time she is great". Different issues to your example here but the other 10% she goes into strops and starts fights with him in public. Myself and our mutual friends are pretty sure this woman is bad news for him and the 90% will soon become 80%, then 70%, etc. Nobody is on their best form 100% of the time but the important thing is that when issues come up they will be handled with mutual respect and open communication.

Apart from all that it seems like you may have chosen something far from ideal with the kids issue etc and are trying to mould it into something it isn't. It was clear from your last thread that you were feeling a bit lonely with life and the dating scene which is totally fine but trying to make something that doesnt fit fit isn't the solution to that.

That is what I’m finding difficult. In dating it is hard to find balance as nobody is perfect. I think the reason so many things fail is people are quick to give up, especially with online dating in the pocket. It’s like a candy shop for some people, pop in and pop out. However, my weak point in the past is not ending things early enough. I realize that it’s not irrational to not be happy about things and have dealbreakers. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I am questioning the first 6 months hence this post. 
 

A thing about me- I ask people not to talk about past relationships and I don’t want to talk about past. I make it clear as the conversation never ends up well. Not because I’m immature, but because I have foresight. For example, she always talks about having a plan B as she has been kicked out and left with nothing in the past. Then I get annoyed because I’m like you have your own job and rent a flat, you can’t go swimming without getting wet, in any relationship someone can get hurt. She was saying that if we move in she will have a storage locker for her stuff. You see a practical side, but you also see someone almost hedging their bets but also praying that she gets pregnant. It doesn’t make sense. She has said in the past can’t I realize it’s someone who is scared and to be reassuring. I am not here to convince someone, who is 40 years old of these things.

Then on the flip side things are light and easy for a lot of the time. How do you take the rough with the smooth? It’s like you can make someone out to be bad by just listing these things, but also forget about the good. If no one is perfect, it’s hard to know if the grass is greener? I just don’t want anymore drama in life. 

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

That is what I’m finding difficult. In dating it is hard to find balance as nobody is perfect. I think the reason so many things fail is people are quick to give up, especially with online dating in the pocket. It’s like a candy shop for some people, pop in and pop out. However, my weak point in the past is not ending things early enough. I realize that it’s not irrational to not be happy about things and have dealbreakers. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I am questioning the first 6 months hence this post. 
 

A thing about me- I ask people not to talk about past relationships and I don’t want to talk about past. I make it clear as the conversation never ends up well. Not because I’m immature, but because I have foresight. For example, she always talks about having a plan B as she has been kicked out and left with nothing in the past. Then I get annoyed because I’m like you have your own job and rent a flat, you can’t go swimming without getting wet, in any relationship someone can get hurt. She was saying that if we move in she will have a storage locker for her stuff. You see a practical side, but you also see someone almost hedging their bets but also praying that she gets pregnant. It doesn’t make sense. She has said in the past can’t I realize it’s someone who is scared and to be reassuring. I am not here to convince someone, who is 40 years old of these things.

Then on the flip side things are light and easy for a lot of the time. How do you take the rough with the smooth? It’s like you can make someone out to be bad by just listing these things, but also forget about the good. If no one is perfect, it’s hard to know if the grass is greener? I just don’t want anymore drama in life. 

It sounds like she was a good personality/chemistry match and because you found someone like that hard to come by without thinking about it you went all in.

When you actually look at the practicalities of it, what she wants vs what you want, and some glaring red flags of fear of commitment you dont seem very compatible at all.

For me, as you say no two people are going to be a perfect match, every couple has their issues. But some acceptable differences would be say having completely different tastes in music or hobbies that don't really line up, not compromising on some pretty fundamental stuff.

[S2B]

On 10/29/2025 at 3:26 AM, Lamron300 said:

That’s how she fries my brain. Her response at the time was your silence spoke volumes. I literally didn’t say anything bad to her,  and I was out with friends. I needed time to think as the conversation which caused my silence was a big one. Anyway last week/two weeks have been normal. No arguments etc. she said it could have been as she was changing medication at the time, so felt over emotional. 

We still did not get to the point it’s crazy to delete someone’s number you’ve been dating for six months (not due to infidelity or abuse, just because I was silent after an argument). She said she did it to tempt herself not to message me. I was like what if we had kids, you’d just cut me off like that?? She said communication is important blah blah. Most reasonable people would say that was an overreaction.

Long story short is I’m someone who is trying to stay positive. I don’t want to carry unsuccessful dating stories or relationships around in my mind. But I also don’t want to mess around. 90% of the time she is fine, last two weeks have been back to ‘normal’ she even stayed at my house for four days in a row before traveling. Issue is I can’t read peoples minds. I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 
 

 

You aren’t  recognizing that her words and actions do NOT align. That’s a BIG problem… or should be for you!

for gods sake use a CONDOM! You are responsible for how YOU participate! 

do not bring a baby into this situation when you have no idea who she really is!

Edited November 3 by S2B

[Els]

On 11/3/2025 at 6:58 PM, Lamron300 said:

That is what I’m finding difficult. In dating it is hard to find balance as nobody is perfect. I think the reason so many things fail is people are quick to give up, especially with online dating in the pocket. It’s like a candy shop for some people, pop in and pop out. However, my weak point in the past is not ending things early enough. I realize that it’s not irrational to not be happy about things and have dealbreakers. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I am questioning the first 6 months hence this post. 
 

A thing about me- I ask people not to talk about past relationships and I don’t want to talk about past. I make it clear as the conversation never ends up well. Not because I’m immature, but because I have foresight. For example, she always talks about having a plan B as she has been kicked out and left with nothing in the past. Then I get annoyed because I’m like you have your own job and rent a flat, you can’t go swimming without getting wet, in any relationship someone can get hurt. She was saying that if we move in she will have a storage locker for her stuff. You see a practical side, but you also see someone almost hedging their bets but also praying that she gets pregnant. It doesn’t make sense. She has said in the past can’t I realize it’s someone who is scared and to be reassuring. I am not here to convince someone, who is 40 years old of these things.

Then on the flip side things are light and easy for a lot of the time. How do you take the rough with the smooth? It’s like you can make someone out to be bad by just listing these things, but also forget about the good. If no one is perfect, it’s hard to know if the grass is greener? I just don’t want anymore drama in life. 

I hope you've actually started using contraception...???

[Lamron300]

On 11/3/2025 at 5:32 PM, FredEire said:

It sounds like she was a good personality/chemistry match and because you found someone like that hard to come by without thinking about it you went all in.

When you actually look at the practicalities of it, what she wants vs what you want, and some glaring red flags of fear of commitment you dont seem very compatible at all.

For me, as you say no two people are going to be a perfect match, every couple has their issues. But some acceptable differences would be say having completely different tastes in music or hobbies that don't really line up, not compromising on some pretty fundamental stuff.

I’m probably as stressed out as I’ve ever been in terms of relationship stuff now. I cannot read her. As humans, we can’t see the future, but if we see a potential problem it’s our job to mitigate it. 
 

For example this is how she throws my mind. When discussing marriage she said we need to make sure we have the same moral compass (?) and she gave example she isn’t an evangelical Christian like me (she doesn’t know her branch). Few weeks later, she said why don’t we go to church together? Which I appreciated.

One minute she seems happy accepting the current reality (where we live, where we work) but then she always tries to chip away the idea of living by the sea one day. I never rule things out but I’m not at the point to think about upheaval (she knows exactly what I’m struggling with at the moment).

The thing which isn’t my fault but can scupper relationship is power dynamics. I have my own house, own business etc. I’ve found people want to benefit from that, but are also intimidated/worried. ‘ what if it doesn’t work out and I’m out on the street etc’. How do I protect myself but also be reassuring?

Things shouldn’t be complicated but they are very complicated. I don’t know how to have the difficult conversations without falling out. Also I don’t want to do what a lot of people do and look beyond a relationship as what’s the next best thing out there but would my anxiety let me realize that things could be better if it didn’t work out? 
 

I don’t know who to talk to about the relationship dilemmas or questions as I don’t want it to seem like an attack.

[Lamron300]

On 11/9/2025 at 5:34 PM, Els said:

I hope you've actually started using contraception...???

No

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

No

Ok then this begs the question, why are you being so irresponsible?  You know that you have a lot of doubts about this relationship and it's not exactly on solid ground, yet you are still trying to bring a child into an unstable relationship.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m probably as stressed out as I’ve ever been in terms of relationship stuff now. I cannot read her. As humans, we can’t see the future, but if we see a potential problem it’s our job to mitigate it. 
 

For example this is how she throws my mind. When discussing marriage she said we need to make sure we have the same moral compass (?) and she gave example she isn’t an evangelical Christian like me (she doesn’t know her branch). Few weeks later, she said why don’t we go to church together? Which I appreciated.

One minute she seems happy accepting the current reality (where we live, where we work) but then she always tries to chip away the idea of living by the sea one day. I never rule things out but I’m not at the point to think about upheaval (she knows exactly what I’m struggling with at the moment).

The thing which isn’t my fault but can scupper relationship is power dynamics. I have my own house, own business etc. I’ve found people want to benefit from that, but are also intimidated/worried. ‘ what if it doesn’t work out and I’m out on the street etc’. How do I protect myself but also be reassuring?

Things shouldn’t be complicated but they are very complicated. I don’t know how to have the difficult conversations without falling out. Also I don’t want to do what a lot of people do and look beyond a relationship as what’s the next best thing out there but would my anxiety let me realize that things could be better if it didn’t work out? 
 

I don’t know who to talk to about the relationship dilemmas or questions as I don’t want it to seem like an attack.

I think its always a good idea to communicate openly when something difficult comes up in this case.

But from what youve described in this case there are so many issues you'd be opening Pandora's box. It just seems like the relationship is unsuited to you both in so many ways but youre trying to force it somehow.

And I agree with others that this is a terrible basis to bring a child into the world.

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know how to have the difficult conversations without falling out.

First step is to get clear with yourself about what, exactly, those difficult topics are.

If you want to list them here, maybe we can help you brainstorm your approach to them. But viewing them as confrontational isn't helpful; 'confront' is an aggressive word, and it's unnecessary in the case of two people who are on the same side.

You can approach concerns in a curious way rather than in an accusatory way. That starts with viewing your concerns this way, which will guide your delivery.

But the very first thing I would address is your reluctance to use protection during sex. That's 'pleaser' behavior that can wreck your life.

I'd tell her in advance that I want to take pregnancy off the table for the moment until you both address some concerns you have about compatibility.

That opens the door. It's her incentive to join you in such conversations in the spirit of resolving them, and from there, you can raise your observations as questions rather than as attacks.

[Lamron300]

39 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think its always a good idea to communicate openly when something difficult comes up in this case.

But from what youve described in this case there are so many issues you'd be opening Pandora's box. It just seems like the relationship is unsuited to you both in so many ways but youre trying to force it somehow.

And I agree with others that this is a terrible basis to bring a child into the world.

On what basis is it unsuited in your opinion? Not questioning the opinion. What I’m finding really difficult is she says she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to get married (which is a non factor as I’m not talking about marriage now but in the future) and not saying this or that. But she doesn’t seem to prioritize it as I do. Like to her there is more barriers to getting married than having a kid. Too many examples of she says stuff but then not quite then the opinion changes to my sort of thinking. 

 

 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

On what basis is it unsuited in your opinion? Not questioning the opinion. What I’m finding really difficult is she says she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to get married (which is a non factor as I’m not talking about marriage now but in the future) and not saying this or that. But she doesn’t seem to prioritize it as I do. Like to her there is more barriers to getting married than having a kid. Too many examples of she says stuff but then not quite then the opinion changes to my sort of thinking. 

 

 

The rush into kids and marriage which seems more on her terms than yours, plus the fact you don't even know her that long. Immature behaviour coming up like deleting your number after a fight, which is not something you'd hope to see from an individual in their 40s.

It seems like you are very hesitant about this for good reason, but you are in your 30s fed up with relationships that dont work and just want to "do this relationship" thing and tick off all the boxes quickly.

The problem is that just willing it to work because youve come up frustrated in the past isn't going to make it work. It's far more likely to land you with children and a future loveless marriage going into middle age.

The way you talk about it here it seems more like hard work than anything. And while any serious relationship requires a bit of work from both parties it should be fueled by happiness, good communication and shared goals.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

No

Then your claim that you don't want to rush kids is a load of malarkey. 

At this point, I can only assume you are hoping that if she gets pregnant she will decide she wants to marry you. You seem a lot more afraid of being single again than anything else. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I’m finding really difficult is she says she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to get married (which is a non factor as I’m not talking about marriage now but in the future) and not saying this or that. But she doesn’t seem to prioritize it as I do. Like to her there is more barriers to getting married than having a kid.

What reasons does she give for not wanting to get married?  You need to figure out if she simply doesn't want all the fuss and bother, or if she's not interested in marrying you specifically

[S2B]

So then you accept that she wants you for having a child but not as a husband.

 

[Bassthumper]

On 10/10/2025 at 7:39 AM, Sony12 said:

She's looking for a sperm donor.

And a Monthly Check....

[Els]

On 11/11/2025 at 10:07 PM, Lamron300 said:

No

Wow. How freaking selfish can you be?

If she does get pregnant, I feel very sorry for the child.