Dating at Work Disaster

[zetamega]

I started a new job last fall and immediately connected with a group of of co-workers. Out of the group was one woman who felt like one of the guys.

After a couple of months, one day I’m working on a project and one of the guys approaches me with the woman. He says: “Hey, you’re not dating anyone. She’s not either. How about the two of you?” I was caught off guard and smiled. I said: “I got a lot of work to do right now”. She just stared at me and I was like OMG she’s into me. Nothing happened and we went back to work.

After this day she would chat with me, just some small talk and say goodbye to me when she would leave work. I could sense she really liked me. I wasn’t sure what to do. She’s a co-worker and I like my job. I just played it cool.

At the start of new year, another co-worker started asking me questions. If I’m dating anyone. What kind of women I like. Right away I’m thinking he’s fishing for the woman. I made a comment to test him. I said: “Well, I like riding bikes. If she’s a biker that would be great.”

Two weeks go by and I’m arriving at work. I see the woman and she’s on a bike. I say hi and said I didn’t know you ride. She said to me she just got the bike and really likes it. Now I’m thinking this can’t be a coincidence.

I debated internally and decided if we met up after work to ride that would be okay. I saw her alone and asked for her number and mentioned riding. I got her number and told her to hit me up.

Days go by and no text. I see her at work and she was cold. She ended up leaving work early and looked unhappy. I texted her and mentioned about riding. She responded quickly that she’s seeing someone and riding together wouldn’t be a good idea. I was stunned by the response.

Some time goes by at work and I don’t see her. I asked a co-worker and find out she put in her two-week notice. Now I’m floored. I told the co-worker what had happened and hoped I had nothing to do with her leaving. He gets back to me days later and tells me she rescinded her notice. I see her at work and say hi, how’s everything. She snapped at me and turned her back so she wouldn’t look at me. I was lost for words and walked away. I decided to text her after work asking her what’s wrong. She responded that there’s nothing wrong and everything is fine. I got the hint things were not fine. I didn’t respond.

The next day she sent me a text screaming at me how she’s never had interest in me and how I’m making the workplace uncomfortable for her. She told me not to talk to her at work anymore. Now I’m nervous because I felt my job could be jeopardy. I replied to her and told her I understood she was upset but for the sake of the workplace if we could be friends. No response from her.

Since that text I got from her she’s been orbiting around me at work smirking, laughing, trying to get my attention. I haven’t said a word. I’m too nervous thinking it could be a trap. I talked to my co-workers and asked if we could resolve this as I don’t want to lose my job. She is now being rude to me which is making me uncomfortable. I heard that she is hooking up with another co-worker which is out of left field.

I’m not sure what’s going on now. I feel like she’s unhinged, playing games. I also think my co-workers could be playing games too. I got the sense some of the guys are the jealous types. I’m thinking about leaving my job but I don’t want to. I like my job and make good money.

Thoughts?

[Sony12]

36 minutes ago, zetamega said:

I started a new job last fall and immediately connected with a group of of co-workers. Out of the group was one woman who felt like one of the guys.

After a couple of months, one day I’m working on a project and one of the guys approaches me with the woman. He says: “Hey, you’re not dating anyone. She’s not either. How about the two of you?” I was caught off guard and smiled. I said: “I got a lot of work to do right now”. She just stared at me and I was like OMG she’s into me. Nothing happened and we went back to work.

After this day she would chat with me, just some small talk and say goodbye to me when she would leave work. I could sense she really liked me. I wasn’t sure what to do. She’s a co-worker and I like my job. I just played it cool.

At the start of new year, another co-worker started asking me questions. If I’m dating anyone. What kind of women I like. Right away I’m thinking he’s fishing for the woman. I made a comment to test him. I said: “Well, I like riding bikes. If she’s a biker that would be great.”

Two weeks go by and I’m arriving at work. I see the woman and she’s on a bike. I say hi and said I didn’t know you ride. She said to me she just got the bike and really likes it. Now I’m thinking this can’t be a coincidence.

I debated internally and decided if we met up after work to ride that would be okay. I saw her alone and asked for her number and mentioned riding. I got her number and told her to hit me up.

Days go by and no text. I see her at work and she was cold. She ended up leaving work early and looked unhappy. I texted her and mentioned about riding. She responded quickly that she’s seeing someone and riding together wouldn’t be a good idea. I was stunned by the response.

Some time goes by at work and I don’t see her. I asked a co-worker and find out she put in her two-week notice. Now I’m floored. I told the co-worker what had happened and hoped I had nothing to do with her leaving. He gets back to me days later and tells me she rescinded her notice. I see her at work and say hi, how’s everything. She snapped at me and turned her back so she wouldn’t look at me. I was lost for words and walked away. I decided to text her after work asking her what’s wrong. She responded that there’s nothing wrong and everything is fine. I got the hint things were not fine. I didn’t respond.

The next day she sent me a text screaming at me how she’s never had interest in me and how I’m making the workplace uncomfortable for her. She told me not to talk to her at work anymore. Now I’m nervous because I felt my job could be jeopardy. I replied to her and told her I understood she was upset but for the sake of the workplace if we could be friends. No response from her.

Since that text I got from her she’s been orbiting around me at work smirking, laughing, trying to get my attention. I haven’t said a word. I’m too nervous thinking it could be a trap. I talked to my co-workers and asked if we could resolve this as I don’t want to lose my job. She is now being rude to me which is making me uncomfortable. I heard that she is hooking up with another co-worker which is out of left field.

I’m not sure what’s going on now. I feel like she’s unhinged, playing games. I also think my co-workers could be playing games too. I got the sense some of the guys are the jealous types. I’m thinking about leaving my job but I don’t want to. I like my job and make good money.

Thoughts?

It honestly sounds like you have a bunch of people playing mind games with you. Is this a pretty young group? It isn't that uncommon for coworkers to date but most of the time they are far more professional about it. This sounds like a very unprofessional environment.

 

[zetamega]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

It honestly sounds like you have a bunch of people playing mind games with you. Is this a pretty young group? It isn't that uncommon for coworkers to date but most of the time they are far more professional about it. This sounds like a very unprofessional environment.

 

The woman and a couple of the guys are younger, in their 20s. Myself and another co-worker are in our 30s. I just don't understand why this woman would behave this way.

[Georgia46]

I was wondering also how old she was, as she sounds so childish 

[zetamega]

1 minute ago, Georgia46 said:

I was wondering also how old she was, as she sounds so childish 

Yea she's younger but initially she was alright. No signs of immaturity. Now though I'm in this weird situation that I'm trying to navigate out of and not sure how to do. 

I feel like the other co-workers could be messing with me and the woman.

[Georgia46]

Weird.  
 

She gives you the impression she likes you then goes all strange and texts you saying all that. 

 

because it’s work, I think I’d just stay away from her.   Just let it all die down.   

[Sony12]

It's very possible the woman is in on the joke too. Regardless you probably need to completely stop talking to all these people. They are acting like they are still in college.

[zetamega]

1 minute ago, Georgia46 said:

Weird.  
 

She gives you the impression she likes you then goes all strange and texts you saying all that. 

 

because it’s work, I think I’d just stay away from her.   Just let it all die down.   

I was hoping it would die down but it's not. She's orbiting around me for the last month. Other day she had a low cut top on and bent over the desk directly in front of me exposing her cleavage. Usually she doesn't wear revealing clothing. I want to talk to her and resolve this but am afraid if I say a word she'll go to HR. 

Any suggestions? Should I ask a co-worker to arrange for us to talk? I'm not going to text her as it will probably make it worse. 

[zetamega]

Just now, Sony12 said:

It's very possible the woman is in on the joke too. Regardless you probably need to completely stop talking to all these people. They are acting like they are still in college.

That's what I'm also thinking. She's in on it too. I just don't get all the signals, flirting for months, exchange numbers, then she does a 180. 

I'd like to stop talking to all these people but in our office we have projects to get done and need each other to complete them. I'm stuck. This is why I'd like to resolve this. 

[flitzanu]

don't talk to her to "resolve this"

that's the point she's making, that she doesn't want to speak to you, and told you she is uncomfortable and isn't interested.  the more you keep trying to reach out and fix this the worse it is.

simply block and ignore, and don't acknolwedge her at work unless it is work related.  you aren't there to make friends.

[zetamega]

5 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

don't talk to her to "resolve this"

that's the point she's making, that she doesn't want to speak to you, and told you she is uncomfortable and isn't interested.  the more you keep trying to reach out and fix this the worse it is.

simply block and ignore, and don't acknolwedge her at work unless it is work related.  you aren't there to make friends.

You must have missed my responses to other posts. Since her text, she has put herself around me more trying to get my attention. Other day she had a low cut top on and bent over the desk directly in front of me exposing her cleavage. Usually she doesn't wear revealing clothing. She'll walk by my desk and laugh. It's really bothersome. What do you recommend?

Edited Friday at 06:25 PM by zetamega

[Sony12]

38 minutes ago, zetamega said:

You must have missed my responses to other posts. Since her text, she has put herself around me more trying to get my attention. Other day she had a low cut top on and bent over the desk directly in front of me exposing her cleavage. Usually she doesn't wear revealing clothing. She'll walk by my desk and laugh. It's really bothersome. What do you recommend?

You said you work with them on a project. Is there a way you could be put on a different project with different people?

 

[SurfCity]

2 hours ago, zetamega said:

The woman and a couple of the guys are younger, in their 20s. Myself and another co-worker are in our 30s.

Ages would help. If she's 21 and you're 39, it would explain a lot. 

1 hour ago, zetamega said:

Any suggestions? Should I ask a co-worker to arrange for us to talk?

It doesn't seem as though she appreciates you going to co-workers repeatedly to ask about her. She's uncomfortable with the entire office being involved. Leave her alone and don't involve/ask co-workers about her anymore. That's the only way this will all die down. 

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Other day she had a low cut top on and bent over the desk directly in front of me exposing her cleavage. Usually she doesn't wear revealing clothing. She'll walk by my desk and laugh. It's really bothersome. What do you recommend?

Ignore her and only speak to her about work projects. Try wearing headphones at your desk.

Edited Friday at 07:16 PM by SurfCity

[zetamega]

28 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You said you work with them on a project. Is there a way you could be put on a different project with different people?

 

I would have to request a transfer which would require a detailed explanation with the regional manager. It's a smaller company and word would get out fast. I just don't get the games. It feels like her and other are playing a game and others are playing a game on her at the same time. There's another guy in the group who has liked her for awhile.

[zetamega]

19 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Ages would help. If she's 21 and you're 39, it would explain a lot. 

It doesn't seem as though she appreciates you going to co-workers repeatedly to ask about her. She's uncomfortable with the entire office being involved. Leave her alone and don't involve/ask co-workers about her anymore. That's the only way this will all die down. 

Ignore her and only speak to her about work projects. Try wearing headphones at your desk.

1. 37 and 22

2. Well, she send me a rude text message to not talk to her, which I have, but she goes out of her way to get my attention, get a reaction out of me. I'm in between a rock and a hard place. That's why I asked one coworker what to do, to help out. 

3. I am ignoring. She purposely orbits around me, acts up right in front of my face. Her words and actions don't line up.

[Sanch62]

I'd stop involving co-workers in my private business. I'd ignore the woman, use headphones at my desk, and if she speaks to me directly, I'd kindly respond to anything work-related. Anything else would be a simple, "No, thanks..." as I put my focus back on my work, where it belongs.

Your desire to confront this is your only problem. That would stir the pot even more, while the woman denies understanding what you're talking about. Skip that and allow time to do its job. People get bored and move on to the next thing as long as you don't keep feeding it with attention and reactions.

[zetamega]

9 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I'd stop involving co-workers in my private business. I'd ignore the woman, use headphones at my desk, and if she speaks to me directly, I'd kindly respond to anything work-related. Anything else would be a simple, "No, thanks..." as I put my focus back on my work, where it belongs.

Your desire to confront this is your only problem. That would stir the pot even more, while the woman denies understanding what you're talking about. Skip that and allow time to do its job. People get bored and move on to the next thing as long as you don't keep feeding it with attention and reactions.

I agree with most of your take. However, my coworkers originally tried to set us up because she went to them asking them to help her out. 

I've been ignoring for over a month. I can't use headphones for my job. It's her who continues to keep this going. I know she is trying to break me and get a reaction but I will not. I'm just trying to get around this so we can go back to the way things were before I got her number. 

[Sony12]

How good is the actual job? If she's only 22 it sounds like it might just be an entry level job. Would it be that difficult for you to just find a different place to work?

[zetamega]

16 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

How good is the actual job? If she's only 22 it sounds like it might just be an entry level job. Would it be that difficult for you to just find a different place to work?

I don't want to get into certain specifics but for her she's an entry level team player. Myself and another coworker are team leaders. It's a good job for me with good pay. I like where I live and the commute is easy. 

It's just this one thing. If I could go back in time, I would have told everyone that I have a no dating at work policy. 

What is your opinion on her words and actions not lining up? Chalk it up to being young and immature?

[Sony12]

17 minutes ago, zetamega said:

I don't want to get into certain specifics but for her she's an entry level team player. Myself and another coworker are team leaders. It's a good job for me with good pay. I like where I live and the commute is easy. 

It's just this one thing. If I could go back in time, I would have told everyone that I have a no dating at work policy. 

What is your opinion on her words and actions not lining up? Chalk it up to being young and immature?

It just doesn't sound like a very professional environment at all. I have dated people at work before and we both had agreement that we would keep it quiet. This whole thing of them trying to 'hook' people up with coworkers is extremely juvenile. Regardless if the girl is in on it or not the whole atmosphere seems very childish. She's only 22 and most people that age will act immature when they are in immature environments.

Edited Friday at 08:51 PM by Sony12

[zetamega]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

It just doesn't sound like a very professional environment at all. I have dated people at work before and we both had agreement that we would keep it quiet. This whole thing of them trying to 'hook' people up with coworkers is extremely juvenile. Regardless if the girl is in on it or not the whole atmosphere seems very childish. She's only 22 and most people that age will act immature when they are in immature environments.

I didn't mind the idea of people setting us up. It's the behavior after I got her number. I don't understand all the enthusiasm to anger to now acting crazy around me in the office. It's like a roller coaster. 

[Sony12]

6 minutes ago, zetamega said:

I didn't mind the idea of people setting us up. It's the behavior after I got her number. I don't understand all the enthusiasm to anger to now acting crazy around me in the office. It's like a roller coaster. 

You honestly probably aren't the only or first person she has acted this way with. It sounds like some of the guys that work there act like frat boys so she is probably going to think that she doesn't have to be mature in this particular work environment.

[Georgia46]

3 hours ago, zetamega said:

I was hoping it would die down but it's not. She's orbiting around me for the last month. Other day she had a low cut top on and bent over the desk directly in front of me exposing her cleavage. Usually she doesn't wear revealing clothing. I want to talk to her and resolve this but am afraid if I say a word she'll go to HR. 

Any suggestions? Should I ask a co-worker to arrange for us to talk? I'm not going to text her as it will probably make it worse. 

I personally wouldn’t arrange to talk to her and I don’t think you should text her. 
 

I’d just try my best not to engage further even if that might be awkward. 

[La.Primavera]

I've got a slightly different take on this situation, but you may not like it.  I don't think she was ever interested.

At first, she might have playful and a bit flirty, but that's only because it was "safe".  When you were approached by her and the other coworker, she probably had no idea what they were going to say.  She likely didn't say anything because it felt so awkward in the moment, and your response stopped her from having to say anything.

The coworker who asked what kind of woman you like was just asking generally. This was not something she asked them to do.  Seeing her biking around was purely a coincidence.  Yes, she should have said no to giving you her number, but she may have felt awkward about saying no to a coworker and just thought she could keep things platonic.

You have assumed so much about her, I'm not sure whether she did or didn't hand in her notice, or what caused her to look unhappy on that particular day, but you don't know that it was about you.  There could be a number of different things going on in her life that you know nothing about.  Talking about your suspicion with another coworker was ill advised.  You're oversharing and making yourself idle gossip around the office.  For your own sake, please don't do this.  Some types of people will use that information to mess with you.  I think they already are.  

She doesn't want you texting her anymore.  That is super clear.  Telling you that you were making the workplace uncomfortable was your cue to stop talking and back off. Seeing her talking and laughing with others around you is her being normal with them.  I don't think she is unhinged or playing games with you.  I don't think her choosing to wear a top that showed some cleavage was about you either.  You just assume they are about you.  I don't think that is true.  I don't think she seems you as anything other than an annoyance at this point, which is why she is being rude.  With some encouragement from some meddling coworkers, you have built up something to be more than it is. That might be hard to hear, but that's what I'm reading from this situation.

My advice is stop oversharing with your coworkers (I don't think they have your best interests at heart) and keep this professional.  At this point I would not talk to any of them about your love life for any reason and try not to over analyze her behavior.  Don't feel bad, just focus on the work and consider looking for a fresh start somewhere elsewhere if you still feel uncomfortable in a month from now.

Edited Friday at 09:39 PM by La.Primavera

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, La.Primavera said:

I've got a slightly different take on this situation, but you may not like it.  I don't think she was ever interested.

At first, she might have playful and a bit flirty, but that's only because it was "safe".  When you were approached by her and the other coworker, she probably had no idea what they were going to say.  She likely didn't say anything because it felt so awkward in the moment, and your response stopped her from having to say anything.

The coworker who asked what kind of woman you like was just asking generally. This was not something she asked them to do.  Seeing her biking around was purely a coincidence.  Yes, she should have said no to giving you her number, but she may have felt awkward about saying no to a coworker and just thought she could keep things platonic.

You have assumed so much about her, I'm not sure whether she did or didn't hand in her notice, or what caused her to look unhappy on that particular day, but you don't know that it was about you.  There could be a number of different things going on in her life that you know nothing about.  Talking about your suspicion with another coworker was ill advised.  You're oversharing and making yourself idle gossip around the office.  For your own sake, please don't do this.  Some types of people will use that information to mess with you.  I think they already are.  

She doesn't want you texting her anymore.  That is super clear.  Telling you that you were making the workplace uncomfortable was your cue to stop talking and back off. Seeing her talking and laughing with others around you is her being normal with them.  I don't think she is unhinged or playing games with you.  I don't think her choosing to wear a top that showed some cleavage was about you either.  You just assume they are about you.  I don't think that is true.  I don't think she seems you as anything other than an annoyance at this point, which is why she is being rude.  With some encouragement from some meddling coworkers, you have built up something to be more than it is. That might be hard to hear, but that's what I'm reading from this situation.

My advice is stop oversharing with your coworkers (I don't think they have your best interests at heart) and keep this professional.  At this point I would not talk to any of them about your love life for any reason and try not to over analyze her behavior.  Don't feel bad, just focus on the work and consider looking for a fresh start somewhere elsewhere if you still feel uncomfortable in a month from now.

Begin searching for somewhere else to work would probably be the best thing the OP can do. It sounds like this particular workplace has established a certain 'atmosphere' about it.