Will he eventually settle down with me?

[Babyyylov3]

Hello all. Looking for some male advice. I am 26 y/o F and have been in an unofficial relationship for the past 3 years almost with a guy I met who is now 35. He has not made it official/refuses to call me his gf and has told me in the past that he is not interested in monogamy at this time. I know that he is seeing other women however I am over his place at least 1-2 times a week as he has invited me. I’ve helped him out many times even recently when he went to the hospital and he always calls on me when he needs things which makes me feel like although he’s not monogamous to me that I am his “top pick.” I have not seriously dated anyone since meeting him as I am holding out hope that one day he will settle and choose me. Although he told me personally that he doesn’t really want monogamy he told a mutual friend of ours that he would be interested in marriage with the right girl…. I don’t know if that means me at some point or someone else. I am hurt finding this out. On top of all of this I have changed so much for him. He told me he didn’t like my hair, the way my breath smelled and my skin. I’ve so far found a new hair dresser, seen a dentist and am now on acne medication with visible results for which he has praised. My question is should I continue holding on for when he decides to settle or is this a lost cause? What are the chances that a player will choose the girl who stuck around? At a loss. Thanks.

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Babyyylov3 said:

is this a lost cause?

It is a lost cause, yes,. 

You need to stay away from him and start working on your self-esteem. This was just sad to read, and suggests you have little self-worth. Never devalue yourself like this - and especially not for a man who very clearly does not want a relationship with you. 

[Gebidozo]

My male advice, and my human advice to you, is to cut off all contact with this man and find a good therapist that will help you to find self esteem and self respect.

You are voluntarily subjecting yourself to humiliation and denigration, allowing another person to use you like a thing. This clearly states that you don’t value yourself.  People without a sense of self worth will never evoke love or respect in a potential romantic partner, regardless of the gender.  No person will treat you well if you don’t treat yourself well.

It is absolutely possible that a “player” (I assume you mean a non-monogamous person) can become monogamous and faithful if they meet the right person. But this man has made it blatantly clear that you aren’t that person for him. I’m amazed that you’ve let him use and abuse you for three years. Please, please stop all contact with him and address those grave issues that prevent you from having a normal, functional, happy relationship.

[Babyyylov3]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is a lost cause, yes,. 

You need to stay away from him and start working on your self-esteem. This was just sad to read, and suggests you have little self-worth. Never devalue yourself like this - and especially not for a man who very clearly does not want a relationship with you. 

I’m just confused because he told a mutual friend of ours that he does want to married to the right one at some point…. But when I’m with him I’ve caught him still texting other women and our mutual friend also said he is still sleeping with other girls 😕  I guess I’m just thinking if I’m patient but it has been almost 3 years of just being a situationship… if he doesn’t really want me why does he keep me around? He also has said he thinks im hot/ attractive 

Edited May 8 by Babyyylov3

[ExpatInItaly]

59 minutes ago, Babyyylov3 said:

I’m just confused because he told a mutual friend of ours that he does want to married to the right one at some point

What is confusing about this? It's clear he doesn't see you as the right one. He might want to get married someday, but evidently it won't be to you. 

1 hour ago, Babyyylov3 said:

if he doesn’t really want me why does he keep me around?

Do you really not know? He gets all the perks of a relationship with you but without any commitment on his end. Why would he give that up? He's having his cak and eating it, too. You keep offering him your time, energy and affection., so he'll keep taking it as long as it suits him. 

1 hour ago, Babyyylov3 said:

I guess I’m just thinking if I’m patient

This has nothing to do with patience. This is just you not wanting to accept reality that he's never going to be your partner. 

1 hour ago, Babyyylov3 said:

I’ve caught him still texting other women and our mutual friend also said he is still sleeping with other girls 😕

I am not sure why you are upset or surprised by this. He's told you he isn't going to be monogamous with you. You haven't "caught" him doing anything, really, because he's fully within his rights to text or have sex with whomever he chooses. I get that you don't like hearing it, but he's not wrong to be doing these things either. He's single. 

 

 

[MsJayne]

Your post is hard to read because it's so sad, I'm sorry you're being treated this way. I'm not a male, but you don't need to be one to know what this guy is doing to you. My girl, this guy is using you and you're setting yourself up for some real heartbreak when he meets the woman who he thinks is good enough for him and discards you. He's never going to marry you, ever, you're just a convenience until he no longer requires your services. You think that one day he's going to wake up and realise how devoted you are and what a good catch you are, but it's not going to happen. Loyalty and love mean nothing to people with this personality type. 

4 hours ago, Babyyylov3 said:

On top of all of this I have changed so much for him. He told me he didn’t like my hair, the way my breath smelled and my skin. I’ve so far found a new hair dresser, seen a dentist and am now on acne medication with visible results for which he has praised.

Reading this makes me want to knock his teeth out so he's got a reason to visit a dentist himself. Please, please take a big step and talk to a counsellor about this and start working towards improving your self-esteem. You should never stick around a person who sees you as beneath them and exploits you this way. You don't realise it, but you're actually the  superior specimen in this situation, you're worth ten thousand of him. He's got a vital cog missing, and any woman who has the misfortune to end up married to him will have a thoroughly miserable life no matter how attractive and accomplished she is. Please think about this and the possibility of severing ties with him altogether, and,if you decide to do the right thing by yourself, please tell him, as a parting shot, that his breath smells like Satan's A**H**e. 

[flitzanu]

13 hours ago, Babyyylov3 said:

Hello all. Looking for some male advice. I am 26 y/o F and have been in an unofficial relationship for the past 3 years almost with a guy I met who is now 35. He has not made it official/refuses to call me his gf 

no, this man is not going to settle down with/for you and is not going to date you.

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, Babyyylov3 said:

I’m just confused because he told a mutual friend of ours that he does want to married to the right one at some point

He's had 3 years to determine if you're the "right one" and has not made any move to make you his gf, let alone wife.  

So either he didn't mean what he told your mutual friend or he is still waiting to meet Ms. Right but, no matter how you slice it, it does not appear he sees you as anything more than a woman he dates. 

[ShyViolet]

You can't possibly be serious.... this guy doesn't like you enough to be in an official relationship with you, he tells you that he doesn't want a proper relationship with you.  And yet you keep coming back to him and have let this go on for 3 years.  The guy is obviously never going to wake up all of a sudden one day and want to be with you.  He has made his opinion of you very clear.  He isn't interested in being with you.  Why would your self-esteem and self-respect be so low that you would allow this to continue for 3 years?  When a guy doesn't want you, walk away. Find someone who does appreciate you.

[Sanch62]

I'm so sorry that you are wasting years on someone who views you as his personal assistant and will never give you what you want.

You are in charge of guarding your own fertility window. During these 3 years you could have met and fallen in love with someone who views you through the right lens to love you for who you are and commit to the kind of future you envision for yourself.

It's unfortunate that you don't value yourself enough to hold out for that person and move forward to pursue him. This guy is a dead end for you, and he's exploiting your willingness to hover and hope.

I'm sorry, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you will reconsider your choices and make a better decision for your own best interests.

 

[stillafool]

On 5/8/2025 at 3:14 AM, Babyyylov3 said:

I’m just confused because he told a mutual friend of ours that he does want to married to the right one at some point….

This means he hasn't met the right girl yet to make him want to get married.  He's still searching.  If you were her, he'd let you know and would be calling you his gf.  He'd also stop seeing other girls because you would be what and who he wants.  Right now he's using you because you've put yourself in a position for him to use you.  You need to stop seeing and talking to him today.

[BaileyB]

Let’s look at the facts here - you have wasted three years of your life having sex with a man who refuses to make your relationship “official” because he is having sex with other woman/doesn’t believe in monogamy. 

Aside from his comment to a friend that he would be interested in in marriage - should the right girl happen to come along… what would make you think that it’s worth sticking around? You think after three years of jerking you around he’s going to someday decide that you are the one he’s been looking for all along and propose? 

I wouldn’t bet on it. 

[BaileyB]

On 5/8/2025 at 2:14 AM, Babyyylov3 said:

I’m just confused because he told a mutual friend of ours that he does want to married to the right one at some point….

Why would you want him? Seriously - this guy has no respect for your he wouldn’t be wasting your time in this way - 

Seriously, respect yourself enough to find yourself a serious boyfriend because this isn’t it. He’s had three years to do right by you - how much more time are you going to waste wishing and hoping…

[johnjacksoon2000]

Thanks, guys!