Is my friendship with my former best friend over?

[askingquestions]

We're in our mid-30s and have been friends for 20 years, but lately, she has been distant. Some recent events clarified the situation a bit more for me. For the past year or so, it's been difficult locking in a time to a catch up.

Then, about a month ago, I found out that she is moving interstate with her husband and three kids - 7M, 4F and 6monthsM. Her husband has had trouble finding a job in his field because he qualified overseas, and has struggle to get registration here. They moved to a state that has a lower overall SES.

Anyway, she said we should catch up before they left, as she often does, and it was also my birthday. But then she didn't respond to my message for about 10 days. She then randomly messaged me on Easter Saturday at 3pm and asked if I wanted to come over to her parents' because she was in the area. I was doing something else, so I didn't make it. Then I didn't hear from her for another week..

Then she said she was leaving Wednesday morning for interstate, so I could come around to her parents' Monday or Tuesday night. I said Tuesday would work, then she said they were actually leaving Tuesday morning, so I could come over Sunday or Monday night. I said Monday would work... and didn't hear anything.

She messaged me on Monday at 3pm and asked what time I'd like to come over. I asked her if 7 would work... she responded at 5:30 saying 7 would work. I went over to her house, with gifts for her two eldest, because they'd had birthdays. It was raining, but I wasn't invited inside, so we sat in my car for about 20 minutes. Apparently the kids were watching TV. She kept saying that she felt guilty. She brought me a gift for my birthday too.

I don't know why I wasn't invited inside. I basically lived at her house growing up. I see her kids from time to time - they call me aunty, and I adore them! Kids haven't happened for me, and I've had a lot of health problems, but that's just life. I've made a concerted effort not to let jealousy get in the way of our friendship.

A few weeks ago, she also invited me to her middle daughter's fourth birthday party. It was the day before I visited her. It had clearly gone ahead, because she was talking about people she saw - "I saw so-and-so yesterday, and they said blah blah blah", "I saw my grandparents yesterday, and they were really sad etc". She also said she wore make up for the first time in months. I don't know why I wasn't invited.

To confuse me, she said that I should come and visit them interstate, and that we'll do video calls all the time to catch up. She doesn't really ask about me and my life anymore. She asked one question in the car - "oh, and how are you?!", but we were quickly back onto another topic. She doesn't ask about my work at all - she's a SAHM.

I do know that she didn't cope well when I had a cancer scare, and life hasn't been quite the same since. I had a stage I cancer that was cured with surgery, but she seemed terrified of talking about it, and I didn't hear from her for months. The only vague explanation I got was when she said she was upset because her husband's aunty was dying from the big C. I realised what she was referring to, and asked what type of cancer. She said she didn't know because anything to do with cancer terrifies her.

I don't understand this behaviour, it's really weird. How would you interpret it, and is there any point in continuing the friendship?

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, askingquestions said:

She messaged me on Monday at 3pm and asked what time I'd like to come over. I asked her if 7 would work... she responded at 5:30 saying 7 would work. I went over to her house, with gifts for her two eldest, because they'd had birthdays. It was raining, but I wasn't invited inside, so we sat in my car for about 20 minutes.

This is just bizarre.... so she invited you over, but when you got there she wouldn't let you in the house.

It sounds like she has made some gestures in a small attempt to stay friends with you, but overall she's been a really terrible friend.  Never asking you about you, not taking an interest in your life, being the opposite of supportive when you had a cancer scare and not speaking to you for months.  I would not keep trying with a friend like this.  I'm sure her life must be crazy with all those kids including a 6 month old baby.  But that doesn't mean you have to keep trying to maintain a friendship that has run its course.

[Sanch62]

There's this thing in most friendships called a 'natural divergence' that upsets a lot of people. We may have a long history with a friend behaving a certain way, only to be shocked or hurt when they veer off that path and don't seem to have room to focus on anything beyond some other scope. But even while this may be their new normal at the moment, it doesn't mean that it's permanent.

I might be old enough to be your grandmother, and I can tell you that there's no need to burn any bridges when this occurs. Not every friendship is capable of remaining perfectly intertwined across a lifespan. It's natural for one's focus to shift to different priorities at different life stages, and so its up to each of us to fortify our social and emotional lives with enough breadth of companionship to keep us buoyed and satisfied during times when our anchors must float away for a cycle in their own lives.

I can tell you that people who matter tend to cycle back around, somewhat changed, somewhat grown into more of themselves. We can keep in light touch during times of divergence, letting our loved ones know that our door remains open to them, or we can react to a perceived insult and toss them away. I vote for fluency and viewing this as a time in my own life to open new doors to new people that will help me with my own cycles of life. I can also tell you that reunions can be a wonderful thing, provided that we've kept our hearts open for them to occur in their own time.

[MsJayne]

She doesn't sound like a very good friend. Obviously having a family changes priorities and lifestyles, but if I was in your shoes I'd be irritated by the way she's behaved. Inviting you over but then keeping you in the car, that's just plain weird. Are you a favourite with her children? If you are then it was a pretty low thing to do, not allowing you to properly say goodbye to them and give them their gifts in person. It almost sounds like she's deliberately trying to keep you away. Either that or she's just so self-absorbed that she doesn't even realise how rude she's been. The whole scenario of messing you about over what day to come over smacks of someone who thinks you're sitting at home twiddling your thumbs while you wait for the order to come over and kiss her a**. Then there's her selfish and silly excuse-making over the cancer business, that's just plain stupid. It is scary when someone close to you is seriously ill, but you don't just abandon friends when they're in need of support. I'd be miffed enough to leave it to her to make contact and see how long before she does, or if she does. If she doesn't, I don't really think you've lost that much.