Ending a great emotional connection?

[si-dog]

Hi. I wanted to get some views on my current relationship situation. We have been discussing ending the relationship. I need some help with perspective with this. We first met about 2 1/2 years ago on a dating app. The chatting prior to us actually meeting in person really elevated the excitement. By the time we met in person, I felt highly attracted to her. She is a really "nice" person and by nature a people-pleaser.

I have since worked out that the women I have felt closer to have ADHD. I think this exacerbates the connection between us, as I think I have ADHD traits. From the outset, we had an intense emotional connection. I think this is because her last relationship long-term was with a narcissistic partner, and she felt she had to gauge his emotions (to minimise danger to herself). But from the outset, she would act to predicate my mood. She would suspect that I was in a bad mood based on some tiny cue, and adjust her approach to me accordingly. This lead to her being really overcautious in expressing herself to me. She later told me that she has trouble expressing what she wants. This caused its own problems in that she wouldn’t tell me what she wanted from me, and then my not doing something caused resentment from her. This is lead to a situation where I feel that I need to be a mind reader (more to more than the extent a guy usually does with a female partner!) She would only express what she really wanted in one burst, where she had "had enough" and woud get angry enough to detail all my wrongdoings going back weeks.

The physical side of things has been incredible because of our emotional bond, however we have both felt in the past six months that our needs are not being met by the other person, therefore we are both emotionally withdrawing. Accordingly, the physical stuff has all but died. If I don’t have a physical connection, then I feel emotionally detached from my partner. We are at a quandary and there are other things getting in the way.

She has two children, and she is acutely aware that I would be "taking them on" in a long-term relationship. I do love both these kids but the 6-year-old one has behavioural problems at school and was recently stood down. He can be a terror at home, even though he is a good kid; he is highly demanding for attention from his mother. I suspect this is normal, however she is firm into gentle parenting, and his behaviour is overflowing to affect a lot more people than just her and me.

The other side to this is a financial side. She has her own house which she wants to use as an investment property in the future. I also own a house with tenants in it. I saved for over 10 years to pay for most of my house, I have never wanted a big mortgage. She wants us to go in together on a $1 million plus property for us all to live. I see this as me subsidising her family. I am a high-income earner, however she does not work even part-time. She supplements some of her lifestyle with occasional accounting-type work.

We have recently fractured a lot more because only recently we started seriously talking about the future (even after all the time we have been together). This is due to a real lack of planning - because of her ADHD. I am a planning person, I make lists for everything.

I am also always active, and I feel she resent me for this, as it means I am often doing stuff not with her. From her persepctive, this makes me selfish (and I can see where she is coming from with this angel). She is less active, and I suspect her idea of spending time with her is sitting on the couch watching TV (which I would hate to do). She needs that "downtime" to switch off becuase of her ADHD. I see her as spinning her wheels a lot fo the time but not getting anywhere because of the same thing. This requires a lot of her mental effoprt to "process" thoughts & emotions, which I think could be better-spent as us doing things together instead.

I have accepted our differences in the past because of our emotional connection. This is probably the best emotional connection I have had with any partner. But I am now at the point where the impediments are really getting in the way. We are also doing this long distance, I look forward to seeing her about once a month, but whenever I do, the differences raise their head again, and we end up sulking apart from each other. We spent some time together at Christmas and Easter this year, but that time we probably had sex once. I know that she won’t get physical with me again unless she feels emotionally connected, and that she can trust me. I feel that I am unable to offer that based on the disparity of things in the relationship.

I don’t know what to do. We have talked these things thru countless times but I feel we get more entrenched & defensive each time, with no solution being found. We seriously love each other, and I dont know if I should throw this away. She has seen the decision to stay or leave as being one I need to make. We have broken up about 4 times prior because I have felt so frustrated with things. I've usually ended them, and she has usually led the reconciliation. Please help 

Edited May 2 by si-dog

[MsJayne]

Yeah, I'd cut her loose, the sooner the better. There's way too many negatives going on here, incompatibility, mental health issues, poor communication, a general downward spiralling. Don't start me on the heavy impact a bratty kid can have on a spousal relationship. "Gentle" parenting all sounds great until it gets to the part where the child learns it can walk all over the grown-ups because there's no negative repercussions. You'll always take a back seat to the little horror, don't kid yourself about that. So that's one big reason to think hard about fully committing to this woman. The second reason is her desire for a million dollar home. Unless you're equally keen to get into massive debt just don't go there, because you're spot on that you'd be paying for her lifestyle, and then, when she becomes even more emotionally abusive and demanding and the relationship breaks down completely, she'll take you to the cleaners. She's got plans for your income for the next few years, you need to get out now while you still have your property. Does she have an ex-husband, did he pay for the property she currently owns or did she work for it herself? 

[si-dog]

Thanks MsJayne. Really helpful. 

Just to clarify - we are really open with other and we are both super-aware of any threat of manipulation and will call each other out for it. She's aware of the disparities here and she knows these are objectively "minuses." Shes really conscious of these things. We're in the open with the pluses and minuses of this - all our cards are on the table. She is also the one who has front-footed a pre-nup, and I agree its necessary.

Also to clarify - the emotional connection is felt mutually. We have both been in a few relationships (Im 50) and we know this is a good & rare thing.

Yes, the ex is still in the picture. He is a bit dominant, she has described him as a narcissist, but a lot of the behavior she describes seems to be coming from the same place as what I feel - frustration because I feel things dont get anywhere or get resolved (ADHD). He still has a stake in her investment property - making the financials more messy. He contributes to the mortgage on that house.

Edited May 2 by si-dog

[MsJayne]

50 minutes ago, si-dog said:

Yes, the ex is still in the picture. He is a bit dominant, she has described him as a narcissist, but a lot of the behavior she describes seems to be coming from the same place as what I feel - frustration because I feel things dont get anywhere or get resolved (ADHD). He still has a stake in her investment property - making the financials more messy. He contributes to the mortgage on that house.

Oooh, it’s just getting messier 😬. Have you pondered the possibility that what you’re both experiencing is emotional dependence rather than real love? I ask because real love isn’t hard work and doesn’t involve the things you’re dealing with. Once the sex life’s dried up from resentment there’s no going back, I really think you’d be asking for trouble. You’ve got security and got your life together, so basically you’d be sacrificing your easy life and paying to be with this person. Sounds like her ex is still paying. 

[si-dog]

Emotional dependence? Yea, it could well be.

It was great, and easy, until we forced ourselves to recently look at the big issues.....

thanks for your views!

[Alpacalia]

Unless her house brings in a wild amount of monthly rental income, how does she expect to contribute meaningfully to the mortgage, upkeep, and other expenses of a $1 million+ property? This is a valid concern, especially since you’ve worked hard to secure your financial stability and avoid large debts, while she relies on sporadic income and expects you to co-invest in a high-value property.

There's that.

And, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but your thread title "great emotional connection" does not apply here. There is nothing great about your emotional connection, it's quite the opposite, it sounds more like trauma bonding. A toxic push-pull dynamic. The push-pull dynamic (hot/cold, affection/withdrawal) is intermittent reinforcement—the same psychological trap that keeps gamblers at slot machines.

Edited May 2 by Alpacalia

[si-dog]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

And, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but your thread title "great emotional connection" does not apply here. There is nothing great about your emotional connection, it's quite the opposite, it sounds more like trauma bonding. A toxic push-pull dynamic. The push-pull dynamic (hot/cold, affection/withdrawal) is intermittent reinforcement

This resonates - we both came from prior relationships from what we both considered to be emotionally manipulative partners immediately beforehand. We both considered that we had some mild PTSD from that.

Prior to that, the last 3 or so relationships I considered there was no real emotional connection. We both stated (starting this relationship) that we were both striving for a real emotional bond.

Thanks, thats illuminating

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, si-dog said:

This resonates - we both came from prior relationships from what we both considered to be emotionally manipulative partners immediately beforehand. We both considered that we had some mild PTSD from that.

Prior to that, the last 3 or so relationships I considered there was no real emotional connection. We both stated (starting this relationship) that we were both striving for a real emotional bond.

Well that's the thing, people long for that deep emotional connection when they're dating/in a relationship. Instead, here you have two wounded people using each other to replay old patterns. It's quite easy to gloss over the red flags when you're starved for connection.

[flitzanu]

17 hours ago, si-dog said:

Hi. I wanted to get some views on my current relationship situation. We have been discussing ending the relationship. 

 

 

just want to touch on this single sentence at the end here, this isn't a "we" situation...if you aren't happy with the relationship then YOU end it.  you don't need her permission and you don't need her to agree with the breakup.

[Sanch62]

Some of the hottest emotional connections are ones that can bring the most chaos and are the least translatable to real-life compatibility.

How connected do you feel emotionally when she calls you selfish for simply wanting to enjoy your life as you've earned it? Or when she withholds valuable information to the point of resentment, then blows at you for all your faults? That doesn't sound healthy or inspiring to me. Neither does a strained sex life or footing a million-dollar mortgage to live in a state of an eggshell walk in your own home around a brat who enjoys gentle parenting that fails to parent.

I think you're smart for rethinking the benefits of this deal. I'd make it less about her and more about how I want to live. This doesn't sound palatable, and you sound well equipped to heal and move forward to find a more rewarding connection that isn't based on the 'butterflies' of anxiety.

Some people are best loved from far away.

[ShyViolet]

Buying a house with this woman (basically buying it FOR her and her kids, since she doesn't work) would be an incredibly foolish thing to do.  You sound like an intelligent person and I think you know that.  This relationship doesn't sound great and it sounds like it is on the verge of having run its course.  You are long distance and you see her once a month.  Going from that, to living under the same roof with her and her unruly child who she fails to discipline properly would be miserable.

And I've lost count of how many times you have mentioned ADHD, but stop using that as an excuse for everything she does.

It sounds like this relationship is dying a slow death and also has some very fundamental unhealthy patterns.