'Speed' of relationship

[healthyhopes]

Hey everyone, thank you again for all your advice thus far. Here I am again. I suppose this is also for the purposes of a vent as well.

An update since my last post: I actually ended up getting an offer for a master's program at a different school that was much farther from my bf, but rated much higher. I decided to go there, taking into account all of your advice.

Since then, I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf, and it has had its ups and downs... For instance, I've done most of the visiting, which has strained my bank account a bit (I am only working part time while in grad school, and have bills to pay). It is also quite difficult as my school is extremely intense and I've often had to work on school work or for my job while visiting my bf -- which takes away from time together. 

The same issue of final location remains; he continues to be under the impression that "everything will work out" and that I will find a school (I plan on applying for a phd once done with my masters) within a 45 minute distance from his current job, and refuses to understand that my program is very competitive and I would like to cast a wide net to ensure that I get into a program. However, I understand his viewpoint too; he wants to get married and start a family as soon as possible, and my career ambitions place a hamper in this.

That leads me to my next concern... While I do want a family and to be married, something about discussing this at this stage makes me concerned. It has been very hard for him to engage in conversation with me about the future beyond "everything will work out." I know I am a type A person but I am constantly making plans and thinking about what would happen in x and y situations but he is not willing to discuss these thoughts with me, and thinks that I am worrying too much. While I am willing to apply to schools near him (that are not my ideal programs to apply to), he is not willing to make any compromises on his end (ex: taking a licensure test which would allow him to live outside of his current state and potentially move with me). This makes me think that perhaps I shouldn't compromise either, if that makes sense. Other things also make me worried about starting a family and getting married right away; we haven't experimented with living together yet, though in visiting I have concerns about how clean he keeps his apartment, and his dog has a history of biting (bites that break skin and cause scarring), which he refuses to see as a problem. Another issue -- and this may be just a "me" problem as well, but I've been trying to speak about what is happening in the news/politically, and he is not very willing or caring to discuss any of it. These issue are important to me as they impact myself, my family, my friends, etc. I know that he leans the same way I do politically, but it bothers me that he doesn't seem to care about the day to day happenings to want to discuss them in greater detail beyond "that sucks."

I've tried to speak about this issue with my parents; my mom says that I am nagging too much and am not his mother, and that he will not change. My father says that issues of cleanliness are not deal breakers will tend to be ironed out once we move in together and make ground rules, and that in any case men are usually "worse" than women and women tend to lead the changes that occur in relationships anyways. He also says that I am getting old (I am 27) and that I should spend more time thinking about marriage and children, as the dating pool is drying up, and I am at risk of being alone or having a worse partner next time. I also know that my anxieties are made worse by my current situation -- my program is so busy that I hardly leave my house, and feel like I have no time to see friends or do anything. I guess I have this idea that things will just get worse for me -- when in reality, moving in with my boyfriend -- who I do love and enjoy time with -- will be an improvement. My dad says that once I have kids I will be busy and my time will be occupied so that I won't be bored or anything. I don't know honestly this whole thing is freaking out. I feel like it's moving too fast and in the wrong direction. However, I don't know how to even discuss this with my boyfriend because again, I do love him, and I do want children and to be married.

At the same time though, I feel so completely alone over here. I don't know. Thanks for listening.

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, healthyhopes said:

Another issue -- and this may be just a "me" problem as well, but I've been trying to speak about what is happening in the news/politically, and he is not very willing or caring to discuss any of it

Literally that sounds relatively trivial,  however it is probably not a good sign that you are not enjoying having conversations, he is not prepared to chat to you about the topic you want to talk about- most guys would make some effort to engage their partner ,

and you have'nt lived together yet and already there is something of a disconnection in your communication,

I think maybe you are unnecessarily concerned with having family, you have a few years yet-  early 30s is probably time enough.

main thing Id say is concentrate on the Phd and make sure you have your own independence,

Maybe in time this guy will be the right guy for you but Id venture there may be a more compatible one out there ( Im probably too old for you haha!!)

Id keep your options open though and when you've gone this far Id view getting the phd as the priority for now.

[Acacia98]

Your concerns are valid, snd your parents' advice is lousy.

It's wise to prioritize your education and career. Also, stop pushing yourself too hard. You're human, not superhuman. So cut back on the visits so that you're not straining your budget. And don't travel when you have a lot of work to do. If the relationship matters to him and he can afford to, he will step up. If he doesn't care enough to make the effort or if his circumstances don't allow him to, you will know that your relationship isn't meant to be.

 

[Acacia98]

Your concerns are valid, and your parents' advice is lousy.

It's wise to prioritize your education and career. Also, stop pushing yourself too hard. You're human, not superhuman. So cut back on the visits so that you're not straining your budget. And don't travel when you have a lot of work to do. If the relationship matters to him and he can afford to, he will step up. If he doesn't care enough to make the effort or if his circumstances don't allow him to, you will know that your relationship isn't meant to be.

 

[Gebidozo]

Sorry, but your Dad’s advice is terrible.

Please never listen to people who push you to do something you aren’t sure about or be with someone you aren’t sure about being with because “soon you’ll be too old and won’t be able to find a good partner”.

Your Dad also appears to completely ignore your career plans and sees you as a full-time housewife. Does your boyfriend also have such patriarchal gender role views? Because if he thinks that you must fully sacrifice your career to take care of your kids while he goes to pubs after work or sits on the couch watching TV, this is not the right man for you.

From your description, your boyfriend sounds strangely passive and fairly immature. It’s actually alarming that he wants to get married and have kids while being unable to make normal plans or even pay his own money to visit his own girlfriend.

It feels that his negative sides outweigh the positives in your eyes and you aren’t sure about this relationship. It also feels that your boyfriend doesn’t understand you well and doesn’t communicate well.

 

 

[healthyhopes]

56 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry, but your Dad’s advice is terrible.

Please never listen to people who push you to do something you aren’t sure about or be with someone you aren’t sure about being with because “soon you’ll be too old and won’t be able to find a good partner”.

Your Dad also appears to completely ignore your career plans and sees you as a full-time housewife. Does your boyfriend also have such patriarchal gender role views? Because if he thinks that you must fully sacrifice your career to take care of your kids while he goes to pubs after work or sits on the couch watching TV, this is not the right man for you.

From your description, your boyfriend sounds strangely passive and fairly immature. It’s actually alarming that he wants to get married and have kids while being unable to make normal plans or even pay his own money to visit his own girlfriend.

It feels that his negative sides outweigh the positives in your eyes and you aren’t sure about this relationship. It also feels that your boyfriend doesn’t understand you well and doesn’t communicate well.

 

 

It's interesting that you say that -- my dad actually also wants me to pursue a PHD and is actually somehow the most feminist person I know (always told me I should be educated and working, etc), which is why his current statements confuse me. I know that he is worried that he won't have grand children and in his culture marriages happen very early, so that may be why.

I'm not sure if my boyfriend has patriarchal views necessarily, I just don't know how fleshed out his views are on the topic of gender roles at all. However I do believe he would be more comfortable if I didn't get my PhD and if I didn't move away for my master's degree. When I got in initially and told him that we would have to be long distance, he told me that I didn't need more education and that I should drop out and/or continue applying for programs in his area instead (not possible for me at that time due to various reasons that I won't get into here) -- though that may have been a response to his upset in me having to move away (something that I tried to speak with him about repeatedly prior, however). I have no idea how things would look if we did move in together. 

That is how I feel right now, it is true... It's just hard for me to really assess everything due to being long distance. Speaking about these matters over the phone is difficult too. It's as if it is hard for me to know what he really thinks and what he is just saying to get me off his back.

[Gebidozo]

33 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

I know that he is worried that he won't have grand children and in his culture marriages happen very early, so that may be why.

His wish to have grandchildren and the traditions of his culture are absolutely irrelevant to what you want or don’t want.

Parents’ advices are often selfish, as demonstrated by this one. You can’t let parental pressure dictate your choices and sacrifice your freedom and your ideas of a happy, fulfilling life to that.

 

33 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

However I do believe he would be more comfortable if I didn't get my PhD and if I didn't move away for my master's degree. When I got in initially and told him that we would have to be long distance, he told me that I didn't need more education and that I should drop out and/or continue applying for programs in his area instead

That, in itself, is alarming. A supportive man would have encouraged you to pursue your education and the career that you have chosen.

Also, “you don’t need more education” is a very dumb and offensive thing to say to anyone.

 

35 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

It's as if it is hard for me to know what he really thinks and what he is just saying to get me off his back.

Long-distance relationships are notoriously difficult to manage. They only work when the two partners have full trust, understanding, and support between themselves, when there is mutual agreement and harmonious views of the future. This doesn’t seem to be your case.

[healthyhopes]

20 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Long-distance relationships are notoriously difficult to manage. They only work when the two partners have full trust, understanding, and support between themselves, when there is mutual agreement and harmonious views of the future. This doesn’t seem to be your case.

This makes sense. I suppose my issue is I don't know how much of what I am thinking is due to my own rumination and catastrophizing and what is real, if that makes sense. The pressure to get married and have children ASAP adds to my worries. Other things, I am not sure if I am remembering correctly or not. For instance, when I brought up what he said about me not needing more education, he says that he never said that, and that he rather just wanted me to go to a school closer to him -- which, while not feasible (given my specific situation with applications), is understandable. Another example is that he also has said that he WILL get his dog more training (after I pleaded with him), but that he doesn't have the income for it right now... This is hard for me to assess as I am not sure what his income really looks like, as I know he has a lot of debt from his schooling. I believe that he doesn't believe his dog biting people (myself, him) is much of a problem as it has only happened a few times, though he knows what to say to get me to stop worrying. There are other examples that I can list but I will stop there. 

Beyond these issues, I know that he loves me and he calls me frequently, says that he hopes we get married and have children, etc. I don't know -- I suppose I have a really negative feeling of cognitive dissonance surrounding how I am feeling and what he is saying that I don't know how to shake or accurately address with him. I do love him, enjoy speaking with him, and am looking forwards to seeing him. But these other issues loom over my head and make me feel negative about speaking with him sometimes. 

I suppose a game plan would be to take a seat back to see if he is able to make decisions on his own over the next school year that I am away (I will be applying to PhD programs in the fall anyways). However, I suspect that things will continue as they are.

[healthyhopes]

Sorry -- I suppose that at this point, I am mostly complaining. I apologize, and I thank you for your help. 

[healthyhopes]

20 minutes ago, healthyhopes said:

I believe that he doesn't believe his dog biting people (myself, him) is much of a problem as it has only happened a few times, though he knows what to say to get me to stop worrying.

Alternatively, he could mean what he says, and is simply not having training be a priority as I don't currently live with him. I know that he has taken other precautions, such as ensuring that he is the only one who walks the dog when I come over, for instance. 

[Acacia98]

Hey, @healthyhopes, any updates on your situation? What are your current thoughts?

I just want to reiterate that your concerns are perfectly valid. Set your parents' advice aside. They probably mean well. But their advice really is lousy. You're doing pretty well identifying the issues that will become problems down the road on your own. I think you should have more confidence in yourself.

Stop second-guessing yourself. Your relationship is an unequal relationship (although I was trying to avoid hitting you on the head with that fact in my last response). From where I'm sitting, it looks like you're putting more into it than he is. And it looks like he expects you to continue to do the same down the road.

The fact that he doesn't even want to talk about your concerns (e.g. about your career ambitions) means he sees them as your problem, not a shared problem . He's expecting you to solve them in the way that is most favorable to him. He doesn't want to expend any energy on the matter because, frankly speaking, he is kinda self-centered (I also think he seems lazy or evasive when it comes to doing the emotional labor that makes relationships work; you will get tired of that eventually).

And you know what? That's all perfectly fine. He knows what he wants and is sticking to it. That makes it easier for you to figure out if your goals and dreams align with his and if you'll be happy sacrificing them in order to fit into the box he has designated for you.

By the way, the dog-biting is an issue. It bugs me that he's not dealing with it. If the dog ends up biting someone else and doing some serious harm, he could end up being forced to put it down (depending on where you guys live). So if he loves the dog, he needs to have it trained or do whatever is in his power to address the issue.

Edited April 27 by Acacia98

[healthyhopes]

On 4/27/2025 at 6:02 PM, Acacia98 said:

Hey, @healthyhopes, any updates on your situation? What are your current thoughts?

 

Hello,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Nothing has really changed -- it has largely been exactly as it's been -- we speak on the phone often and I will be visiting family, and so will be able to see him soon, too. I think he genuinely believes that "everything will work out" and that I will somehow end up in the same place as him for grad school, even though I keep stressing that, though I will try, it is very unlikely.

We did have a talk a few days ago where I bluntly but kindly reiterated that I likely cannot apply to a few of the programs in his area,  that there is a chance the other available programs would not have professors willing to take on students, and that I additionally will likely not get in even if there is availability due to the competition for this degree, and he continued to reiterate that he doesn't want to move. Which again, is his choice. I guess this is another place where I feel guilty, as I feel bad compelling him to move if he doesn't want to, even if his reasons seem strange or silly to me.

Since that conversation and making this post I've felt a lot calmer about things, however. I'm not ruminating as much and am focusing on completing final projects for my MA program. I'll be applying for PhD programs starting in the fall, so I hope that things will clear up more once I start that process.

[IrinaM]

I wish I could give you a hug. This guy does not sound like he is good for you or your future:(

[healthyhopes]

9 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I wish I could give you a hug. This guy does not sound like he is good for you or your future:(

Thank you... you are very kind.

 

I guess another thing to add is that I do understand where he is coming from in that he likes his job, and it is fair that he doesn't want to move again. I don't want him to compromise his own wishes too, especially given how hard it is to find a job that one likes. I just feel stuck having this same conversation over and over again and it feels like he doesn't understand. I think I would be more open to compromising on my end if there was any effort or thought on his end to compromise too -- i.e., if he was willing to consider moving, I would be more open to taking a position in his city, even if not in my ideal school. But it just rubs me the wrong way. I find it strange that he is just sitting and waiting for me to apply and get accepted somewhere while he just lives every day as normal, not even considering taking the licensure test or researching places he would want to live. I do tend to doubt myself a lot so I constantly ask whether I am being unfair in this situation, whether I'm overthinking, etc. 

There's also a chance that I won't get into any programs at all this coming application cycle (given how competitive it is) so there's that, too -- it is possible all this worrying is for nothing :)