I don't know what to do, I'm overwhelmed

[firstrelationship10]

I'm 31, in my first long 'relationship'. Met online. Long distance. We meet up regularly as we are not far from each other ( 1 hour flight ). 

We are 'exclusive' but we have not had a proper relationship talk ( due to my hesitation) . It's been about 2 years of this. She has met my family and they all love her. 

I feel overwhelmed, emotional and scared. 

There's something about our dynamic that makes me feel drained, tired and on edge around her.

She's highly sensitive. A recent example when I saw her in person - she asked why haven't asked her to be her girlfriend I told her I was sorry and I has genuinely forgotten because when I see her usually I'm so focused on having  fun/going out (as we see each other only once a month) I suggested we could speak about it right then or tomorrow... she then started hysterically crying and this legit lasted from 8pm to 2am where she kept saying how "no one ever cares about her" I felt so horrible and bad for her I kept hugging her, consoling her , telling her I care about her.

This is such an emotional, draining event for me it legit takes me 2-3 days to recover from.

This isn't the first time she has been like this...she would often react like this if I say the wrong thing or she perceives that I don't care about her etc. 

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and scared about expressing what I truly feel in fear she will get upset.

When I do express something I feel it gets dismissed 

On top of that our lifestyles are slightly different as I'm into healthy eating and being active but she likes to eat junk and nap a lot.

I also find she complains often ...she has a stomach ache, back pain , allergies there's always something 

So why do I like her?.

She's intellectual, we both like gaming, she's caring, she gets a long with my family well, she isn't materialistic, she has good values, I can't ever imagine her cheating on me or doing anything horrible ,we have good physical compatibility, she always makes the effort with me, phone calls, texts etc, I get the sense she'd always be there no matter what..

But I guess overall being with her just feels like a chore / job 

She recently went away with her family and we spoke less and talked less I felt better 

I dotn what to do

She has so much of her stuff at my house as well 

I just feel emotional lately as well like crying 

 

[basil67]

If you're looking for reassurance that leaving is the right thing, you have mine.

Alternately, there is the option of telling her that you love her, but her behaviour is driving you away.  That it takes you 2-3 days to recover after she has an episode.  Perhaps she'd be open to therapy and learning to manage her emotions?   Or is she more likely to become hysterical again?   

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

she asked why haven't asked her to be her girlfriend I told her I was sorry and I has genuinely forgotten

Oh, come on. You didn't "forget" and you both know it. You don't want her to be your girlfriend, even after 2 years. No wonder she was upset. Crying for hours on end is over-the-top, yes. But she sees through you and knows you don't want to be her boyfriend. I am sure the silly "I forgot" excuse didn't help, either.

5 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

But I guess overall being with her just feels like a chore / job 

She recently went away with her family and we spoke less and talked less I felt better 

This is how you know you need to end this, definitively. It's not going to work and the kind thing at this point is to let her go. If after 2 years you're still not sure about having a real relationship with her, man, it's long past time to move on. 

[firstrelationship10]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, come on. You didn't "forget" and you both know it. You don't want her to be your girlfriend, even after 2 years. No wonder she was upset. Crying for hours on end is over-the-top, yes. But she sees through you and knows you don't want to be her boyfriend. I am sure the silly "I forgot" excuse didn't help, either.

This is how you know you need to end this, definitively. It's not going to work and the kind thing at this point is to let her go. If after 2 years you're still not sure about having a real relationship with her, man, it's long past time to move on. 

But I did generally forget because it feels like we are already in a relationship so I forget to actually say we are official 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

But I did generally forget because it feels like we are already in a relationship so I forget to actually say we are official 

I don't buy that, I'm afraid. She obviously doesn't either. Otherwise, why wouldn't you have asked her right then and there to be your girlfriend, once you "remembered" she was hoping you would ask? 

Time to get real, OP. We all know the real reason isn't about "remembering" to ask her to be your girlfriend. It's very clear you don't want to ask her. And that's okay. You seem to have valid concerns and your heart isn't in it. But you need to be hones with her now and respectfully set her free. 

 

[firstrelationship10]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't buy that, I'm afraid. She obviously doesn't either. Otherwise, why wouldn't you have asked her right then and there to be your girlfriend, once you "remembered" she was hoping you would ask? 

Time to get real, OP. We all know the real reason isn't about "remembering" to ask her to be your girlfriend. It's very clear you don't want to ask her. And that's okay. You seem to have valid concerns and your heart isn't in it. But you need to be hones with her now and respectfully set her free. 

 

Yes I guess you're right 

But am I doing the right thing? Relationships aren't easy for me and dating isn't easy..

Is it worth just "settling" ?

[Gina2005]

So..... are you official now?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Is it worth just "settling" ?

No, it is not. That would be incredibly selfish of you, actually. 

This would be terribly unfair to her. She deserves a man who knows he wants to be with her and doesn't take two years to decide. That is lunacy, and the recipe for an awful lot of unhappiness down the road for both of you, since it's very obvious you two are not a match. "Settling" is going to make the situation worse, not better. 

3 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Relationships aren't easy for me and dating isn't easy..

Then perhaps you should not continue to waste time  on dead-ends like this one. It's not like you've made things any easier on yourself by keeping this going when you feel the way you do. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

But I did generally forget because it feels like we are already in a relationship so I forget to actually say we are official 

Perhaps the difference is cultural?  I'm Australian and I haven't had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend since high school.  Instead, we always just started spending quality time together and making each other a priority and we just knew we were together.   I met my partner in '92 and we've bought and sold houses together and have an adult family, but never had the conversation

To me, your approach is normal

[BaileyB]

So, she clearly does not feel confident in the relationship or she wouldn’t have had a total meltdown over the fact that you don’t call her your “girlfriend.”

What conversations have you had after two years? Have you discussed the future? Do you have a plan to move closer and be together? Have you discussed the idea of travelling together, moving in together, getting married, having kids -

Do you see what I’m saying? One does not necessary have to say the words “will you be my girlfriend?” if their actions and the discussions they have speak of their commitment to the relationship and moving toward a future together…

As for the fact that you needed to console your distraught girlfriend for six hours - that would cause me to reconsider the relationship too. 

Edited April 15 by BaileyB

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What conversations have you had after two years? Have you discussed the future? Do you have a plan to move closer and be together? Have you discussed the idea of travelling together, moving in together, getting married, having kids -

Quoted for emphasis!   I guess I've never had the girlfriend conversation because all these things were being discussed

[firstrelationship10]

47 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So, she clearly does not feel confident in the relationship or she wouldn’t have had a total meltdown over the fact that you don’t call her your “girlfriend.”

What conversations have you had after two years? Have you discussed the future? Do you have a plan to move closer and be together? Have you discussed the idea of travelling together, moving in together, getting married, having kids -

Do you see what I’m saying? One does not necessary have to say the words “will you be my girlfriend?” if their actions and the discussions they have speak of their commitment to the relationship and moving toward a future together…

As for the fact that you needed to console your distraught girlfriend for six hours - that would cause me to reconsider the relationship too. 

Yes thats the thing we speak every single day text/calls we've discussed future plans so I always forget to ask her to be official 

But it is my fault because she does come from a different culture and has told me being "official" is important so it is my fault

But its just so exhausting when she gets upset like this (she is right now again as I type this)

It takes hours upon hours of comforting her to get her to feel ok again. It's so exhausting. She tells how i don't care about her even though i put so much effort in to the brink of exhaustion and burn out.

Uhhh I just wish she was more chill sometimes 

Life short 

[basil67]

Yes, life is short.   Too short to deal with someone who refuses to communicate their needs and has meltdowns when you don't guess what those needs are.   

I notice you said she's sobbing again.  This is the point where you send a message "It's become apparent that I am unable to meet your needs.  We need to end this so that you can find someone who is right for you".  Send the message now.   And when she keeps sobbing, reply with "I am unable to help you" and exit the conversation

[firstrelationship10]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, life is short.   Too short to deal with someone who refuses to communicate their needs and has meltdowns when you don't guess what those needs are.   

I notice you said she's sobbing again.  This is the point where you send a message "It's become apparent that I am unable to meet your needs.  We need to end this so that you can find someone who is right for you".  Send the message now.   And when she keeps sobbing, reply with "I am unable to help you" and exit the conversation

Yesterday when she left to return home

She was upset

So I messaged her and said ill call her when she is home then she said

"Don't worry about it" in a sarcastic way 

Then last night I told her I was tired and ill call / text her tomorrow about what happened and why she's upset

 

Now she upset again at me for saying I don't care 

Isn't that so unreasonable?

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Yesterday when she left to return home

She was upset

So I messaged her and said ill call her when she is home then she said

"Don't worry about it" in a sarcastic way 

Then last night I told her I was tired and ill call / text her tomorrow about what happened and why she's upset

 

Now she upset again at me for saying I don't care 

Isn't that so unreasonable?

I've already been very clear in my view that she's a drama queen and I also gave you method for ending this.  Why are you asking me this question?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said:

It takes hours upon hours of comforting her to get her to feel ok again. It's so exhausting.

It’s not your job to maintain her emotional well-being. If the person that I am dating requires this much attention and reassurance, I’m not dating them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Yes thats the thing we speak every single day text/calls we've discussed future plans so I always forget to ask her to be official 

Look, she didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. Neither did you. She knows that after 2 years, you don't consider her your girlfriend. Even without an actual conversation, it is usually clear to both parties involved when you consider yourselves a couple. Because this would be  the case: 

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

One does not necessary have to say the words “will you be my girlfriend?” if their actions and the discussions they have speak of their commitment to the relationship and moving toward a future together…

This is obviously not happening and it is not a memory lapse on your part. Now that you have "remembered" that she wants to be official, you still haven't clarified this with her. So you'd be best to drop the excuse of forgetting. Nobody believes that, and honestly, it's quite immature of you. 

3 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Now she upset again at me for saying I don't care 

Isn't that so unreasonable?

What's unreasonable is that you continue to go in circles and are afraid to pull the plug on this. What are you getting out of this? Why seek validation of your frustrations here? Man up and tell her this isn't going to work, bud. Circling the drain prolongs your and her unhappiness.

[firstrelationship10]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Look, she didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. Neither did you. She knows that after 2 years, you don't consider her your girlfriend. Even without an actual conversation, it is usually clear to both parties involved when you consider yourselves a couple. Because this would be  the case: 

This is obviously not happening and it is not a memory lapse on your part. Now that you have "remembered" that she wants to be official, you still ha8iven't clarified this with her. So you'd be best to drop the excuse of forgetting. Nobody believes that, and honestly, it's quite immature of you. 

What's unreasonable is that you continue to go in circles and are afraid to pull the plug on this. What are you getting out of this? Why seek validation of your frustrations here? Man up and tell her this isn't going to work, bud. Circling the drain prolongs your and her unhappiness.

But I do love her and care about her

So I'm really confused right now 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

But I do love her and care about her

So I'm really confused right now 

But you don't want her to be your girlfriend. 

Correct? 

[firstrelationship10]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But you don't want her to be your girlfriend. 

Correct? 

Well I'm conflicted

I just wish she could work on her emotional control

How she can go from happy to crying and being hysterical over things for hours

It's exhausting 

She just doesn't really have that same growth mind set as me

I'm always trying to be better , do better , learn but she just has this mindset that I upset her and it's always my fault regardless of what she does

It just hurts , makes me sad, there's something here but this emotional side of her it's draining and exhausting to me

I love her and care for her but its hard to imagine dealing with this and living with someone like this

Edited April 15 by firstrelationship10

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I just wish she could work on her emotional control

Of course, and you're not wrong to want that. 

However, she has shown you over and over who she is. She is not someone with great emotional regulation and you walk on eggshells around her. She isn't going to become someone she's just not. 

You two are like oil and water. Long-term, there is no happiness here for you. How much longer you wish to drag this out is up to you, but you are doing yoursel (and her) a great disservice. You are also likely missing out other real and healthier prospects with women who match better with you. 

Or are you afradi you just won't find anyone else who wants to be with you? That's the impression I am getting. 

[firstrelationship10]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Of course, and you're not wrong to want that. 

However, she has shown you over and over who she is. She is not someone with great emotional regulation and you walk on eggshells around her. She isn't going to become someone she's just not. 

You two are like oil and water. Long-term, there is no happiness here for you. How much longer you wish to drag this out is up to you, but you are doing yoursel (and her) a great disservice. You are also likely missing out other real and healthier prospects with women who match better with you. 

Or are you afradi you just won't find anyone else who wants to be with you? That's the impression I am getting. 

Yes it's true I'm constantly scared to make jokes or express how I feel around her because any slight perception that I am being mean or anything she goes hysterical 

Yes it's probably the latter.

I've struggled with a lot of health issues all my life from serious physical illness to mental issues (I've improved and gotten better so much over the years)

But sadly ill always be socially anxious, shy, neurodivergent etc its just who I am.. 

This women relates to me so much because she is similar to me .. we both speak about our social anxiety and joke about our own autism she is so accepting of me I'm contracting the above but sometimes I feel I wouldn't trade that connection for anything considering it's so hard for me to connect to people 

I've worked on myself so much over the years becoming healthier more social etc , i just can't help but feel ill regret ending things with her 

On the other hand I know she deserves a guy who is more enthusiastic about her than I am, and she totally deserves a guy who is 100% into her and wants a relationship

Uhh  sorry my emotions are spilling out here

Just feels like there's no winning

Thanks for being kind to me and responding btw I appreciate it 

I have no one else to talk to

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

This women relates to me so much

Eh, but not really:

3 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I'm constantly scared to make jokes or express how I feel around her because any slight perception that I am being mean or anything she goes hysterical 

You can't be yourself around her. That isn't what relating to someone looks like. Sure, you mgiht share some similar experiences in life but you don't relate on levels where it counts most. She doesn't relate to you (and vice versa) in ways that are fundamental to sustaining a healthy relationship. You felt relieved when she was away and you weren't in touch as much, for heaven's sake. 

I am not sure what more evidence you need that this is a dead-end. Your fear that you won't find anyone else is not a good reason to stay in this sort of dysfunctional mess. 

What's your social life like? I wonder how much of a life you have outside this quasi relationship. Are you fulfilled in other ways? Have you got hobbies? Friends? Work or studies? 

[firstrelationship10]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Eh, but not really:

You can't be yourself around her. That isn't what relating to someone looks like. Sure, you mgiht share some similar experiences in life but you don't relate on levels where it counts most. She doesn't relate to you (and vice versa) in ways that are fundamental to sustaining a healthy relationship. You felt relieved when she was away and you weren't in touch as much, for heaven's sake. 

I am not sure what more evidence you need that this is a dead-end. Your fear that you won't find anyone else is not a good reason to stay in this sort of dysfunctional mess. 

What's your social life like? I wonder how much of a life you have outside this quasi relationship. Are you fulfilled in other ways? Have you got hobbies? Friends? Work or studies? 

Yes you're right

In regards to my life outside the relationship its evaporated and so has my career drive

I think it's mostly due to the relationship as we need to call 2 hours everyday and she usually is telling me about her problems and negative things I'm usually too tired to do much else 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Yes you're right

In regards to my life outside the relationship its evaporated and so has my career drive

I think it's mostly due to the relationship as we need to call 2 hours everyday and she usually is telling me about her problems and negative things I'm usually too tired to do much else 

I think this is big part of the problem. 

You've seemingly allowed your world to vanish, so all you have going on is this situationship. A two-hour call every day is exhausting for most. There is no way I'd have time for that, let alone interest in a call that long every day. 

Are you currently working?