I guess he is not that much into me? UPDATED: He asked me to a wedding

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

 know the bar is low, I know my previous experiences weren't the end of the world, but that was the closest I got to having a date before.

So, that's what I got as a reference.

That's not a reason to have low standards for yourself, especially when you are an adult.  Surely to also possess enough common sense to realize there should be a lot more to boyfriend material than that. 

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gina2005 said:

 

I know the bar is low, I know my previous experiences weren't the end of the world, but that was the closest I got to having a date before.

So, that's what I got as a reference.

 

If you know that your bar is too low, maybe it’s time to raise it.

You can’t be serious about considering anyone who isn’t a jerk boyfriend material, can you?

Boyfriend material is someone with whom you have mutual physical attraction, romantic feelings, respect, as well as spiritual, intellectual, and sexual compatibility.

[Gina2005]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you know that your bar is too low, maybe it’s time to raise it.

You can’t be serious about considering anyone who isn’t a jerk boyfriend material, can you?

Boyfriend material is someone with whom you have mutual physical attraction, romantic feelings, respect, as well as spiritual, intellectual, and sexual compatibility.

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's not a reason to have low standards for yourself, especially when you are an adult.  Surely to also possess enough common sense to realize there should be a lot more to boyfriend material than that. 

 

Of course, I'm just being overly dramatic.

I may be an adult, but I'm new to all this dating world.

 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

I know the bar is low, I know my previous experiences weren't the end of the world, but that was the closest I got to having a date before.

So, that's what I got as a reference.

But as you go on to say, they weren't the end of the world.   They weren't abusive, they were just a couple of flakes who dipped a toe in the water and decided to not continue.   Yes, I know you're young and inexperienced, but you're not too young to have common sense 

I again suggest you read "He's Just Not That Into You", because you are going to end up very hurt and jaded if you continue as you are

 

[ShyViolet]

22 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

I'll give a two examples:

One of them asked me out, we set a day, then, when he find out I was going out with some friends the day before our date, he tried to convince me to cancel those plans go out with him instead, I said I couldn't do it since it was the only day all my friends had available, he said it was OK and then proceeded to ghost me.

Another, a former coworker, older than the guy I've been writing about, accused me of leading him on (all we had was just some friendly banter at work), after I told him I only saw him as friend (and not even that if I'm being honest).

Welcome to the real world..... if you are a halfway attractive woman, you will have encounters like this with men your entire life pretty much until age 40.  The world is full of men who will hit on you, who will act interested in you and then ghost you, who will act like they think they're entitled to your attention, who will do all kinds of crazy things.  You need to learn to weed through the jerks, learn to deflect it and keep on going.

22 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

So, somebody who doesn't act like a jackass, a weirdo, or is too insecure to ask a 5'11 girl out, is  in my opinion definitely boyfriend material.

It's just sad that you would think the guy who this thread is about is "definitely boyfriend material."  You need to grow up a little and learn what's normal and what's not in dating.... this is not it.  This guy barely acts interested in you and constantly makes you wonder where you stand and if he is even into you romantically, after hanging out with him for approximately 2 months.  That is not something you should be clinging to and chasing after.  You've gotten a lot of good advice in this thread, maybe you should read through it all again.

[Gina2005]

19 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Welcome to the real world..... if you are a halfway attractive woman, you will have encounters like this with men your entire life pretty much until age 40.  The world is full of men who will hit on you, who will act interested in you and then ghost you, who will act like they think they're entitled to your attention, who will do all kinds of crazy things.  You need to learn to weed through the jerks, learn to deflect it and keep on going.

It's just sad that you would think the guy who this thread is about is "definitely boyfriend material."  You need to grow up a little and learn what's normal and what's not in dating.... this is not it.  This guy barely acts interested in you and constantly makes you wonder where you stand and if he is even into you romantically, after hanging out with him for approximately 2 months.  That is not something you should be clinging to and chasing after.  You've gotten a lot of good advice in this thread, maybe you should read through it all again.

And I thank you all for it.

Anyhow, I still have that date with him this week, he is going to pick me up, which is a first, and see how he behaves after telling me he really likes me.

 

 

[stillafool]

A 26 year old not even trying to kiss a woman after all this time says "friendzone" to me.  I agree being invited to a wedding with him doesn't really mean much.  People take their friends as a plus one to a wedding.  I also agree you need to ask him how he feels about you so you can get some clarity.

[stillafool]

On 4/13/2025 at 5:31 PM, Gina2005 said:

It's not like he is the only one available, but my interactions with other guys have been way way worse.

I rather not talk about those interactions, you gonna have to trust me on this one.

 

The only way to get experience with dating is to date.  Just because it didn't go well with a couple of guys doesn't mean you should just stop and settle for one half interested guy.  Maybe this guy isn't over his ex and that is why he hasn't tried to kiss you yet.

[Gina2005]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

A 26 year old not even trying to kiss a woman after all this time says "friendzone" to me.  I agree being invited to a wedding with him doesn't really mean much.  People take their friends as a plus one to a wedding.  I also agree you need to ask him how he feels about you so you can get some clarity.

I'm gonna ask him this saturday.

[enterthevoid]

57 minutes ago, Gina2005 said:

I'm gonna ask him this saturday.

ask now.  why torture yourself for 5 more days?

the time to ask him was probably 2 weeks ago.  but the best time is still now.

Edited April 16 by enterthevoid

[Gina2005]

5 minutes ago, enterthevoid said:

ask now.  why torture yourself for 5 more days?

the time to ask him was probably 2 weeks ago.  but the best time is still now.

I'm gonna do it in person.

[Gina2005]

Big day today.

I've been nervous since I woke up and my stomach has been upset because of it.

I'm gonna try and look my best, be more flirty and straight forward, and come home with a clear picture of how does he see me, wether I like it not.

 

[enterthevoid]

Yes, ask today, regardless of in person or text.  Just do it either way.

The worst thing you can do is say "oh today wasnt the perfect day; i'll wait until next week until we have the perfect date together".

It's great that you're going to ask him, but you don't need to wait until an arbitrary moment.  You could text him this right now, or could've weeks ago.  And the end result would be the exact same.

Edited April 20 by enterthevoid

[basil67]

When you ask him, what are your plans for if he lies?  

Honestly, I think discussion is very much overrated in this instance.  His lack of effort is telling you all you need to know

[Gina2005]

I think it went great, from the moment he picked me up from my place (this was the first time since we met) his jaw literally dropped when he saw me (black leather jacket, black mini dress and heels), once we were in his car and on the way to the party we started talking as well as always, and I noticed that he was having an internal struggle between seeing the road and seeing me.

Already at the party I made the introductions between him and my friends, all the time my friends were making signs and gestures to me behind his back while I introduced him to someone else as if to say that he is very handsome.

As the night progressed, we looked for a place away from the others to talk privately about how things were going between us. He confessed that he had been having trouble deciphering me, that sometimes he didn't know whether to insist, or if I was really interested or if I was politely avoiding him, that he didn't know how I saw him, but that after telling me that he really liked me and noticing that I hadn't distanced myself, he believed that we were going well.

And I'm telling you, I find him irresistible, between his big eyes and his tender, attentive gaze, and the fact that he always has something fun or interesting to tell me with that soft, deep voice that comes out of that well-formed mouth.

I noticed that he smiled a lot and looked at my lips, but at the same time, he avoided making it too obvious, at one point we were holding hands with our fingers intertwined. I asked him if I made him nervous. He said no, that I didn't, and I said "Give me a kiss," and he kissed me, we kissed.

We kissed for a while, but my friends were already looking for us and we heard them approaching AND calling my name, so we had to go back inside the house where the party was, after what happened in private the vibe between him and I was different, my friends noticed, they saw us, smiled, whispered among themselves, he and I left the party because I had a feeling that they were going to play some kind of joke on us and I didn't want things to get awkward.

We kissed again in his car when we got to my place. We said our goodbyes. I asked him to text me when he got home, so here we are now. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

[Gina2005]

I have a question: If we've kissed, talked about our feelings, and are exclusively dating each other, does that mean we're already a couple? Or do we need some kind of official confirmation?

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

I have a question: If we've kissed, talked about our feelings, and are exclusively dating each other, does that mean we're already a couple? Or do we need some kind of official confirmation?

He asked you to be exclusive?

[Gina2005]

43 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He asked you to be exclusive?

No, but we know we are not seeing anybody else.

[enterthevoid]

21 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

I have a question: If we've kissed, talked about our feelings, and are exclusively dating each other, does that mean we're already a couple? Or do we need some kind of official confirmation?

It's not official until you have the official conversation. 

IIRC, you've dated him 4-5 times?  Ultimately, you both go at the pace that's comfortable.  But for many people 4-5 dates is the point where people start dating each other exclusively, but still take a little bit more time to get to know each other before making it official.

You should do what makes you comfortable, but if I were in that situation, I would take another date or 2 to get to know him more.

Before you become officially, I suggest having conversations on major topics (politics, kids, finances, goals, where you'd like to live, etc.) and any thing else that's super important or non-negotiable for you.

Better to get all of this stuff ironed out now, than say, a year from now when you're already invested.

Edited April 21 by enterthevoid

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/20/2025 at 4:39 PM, Gina2005 said:

I have a question: If we've kissed, talked about our feelings, and are exclusively dating each other, does that mean we're already a couple? 

That generally does not mean you are a couple, no. You've only been out a few times so I wouldn't arrive at this conclusion yet. 

Give it some time. See how the next few weeks go. Have a conversation then about where you see things going, and ask how he feels about that. 

[Gina2005]

2 hours ago, enterthevoid said:

It's not official until you have the official conversation. 

IIRC, you've dated him 4-5 times?  Ultimately, you both go at the pace that's comfortable.  But for many people 4-5 dates is the point where people start dating each other exclusively, but still take a little bit more time to get to know each other before making it official.

You should do what makes you comfortable, but if I were in that situation, I would take another date or 2 to get to know him more.

Before you become officially, I suggest having conversations on major topics (politics, kids, finances, goals, where you'd like to live, etc.) and any thing else that's super important or non-negotiable for you.

Better to get all of this stuff ironed out now, than say, a year from now when you're already invested.

Yes, you are correct, this was our 5th date.

One of the reasons I like him so much and I believe we connect is because I already had some of those conversations with him, there are things that I put forward very early, like my political views, or my goals, or what's important to me in life and we are very much alike on those issues.

[enterthevoid]

Great.  It seems like this is working out really well, and I wish you both luck

This thread is a perfect example of how just saying what's on your mind and asking for what you want just instantly solves confusion.

Pages of debating about whether he's interested or not, or trying to read signals are now instantly gone, and you have a clear answer now.

This whole thing about "if he wants to he will" and "if he hasnt made a move yet, he's not interested" does not necessarily apply to all situations.  

Asking people how they feel is better than assuming how they feel.

 

 

Edited April 21 by enterthevoid

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

No, but we know we are not seeing anybody else.

You need to still get this clarified that you are in fact now his girlfriend.  You need to do this before you have sex with him.

[Gina2005]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You need to still get this clarified that you are in fact now his girlfriend.  You need to do this before you have sex with him.

 

😲

I have never had sex and we haven't even talked about that.

is it something I should mention to him? if so, when? now? or until we are officially in a relationship?

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Gina2005 said:

 

😲

I have never had sex and we haven't even talked about that.

is it something I should mention to him? if so, when? now? or until we are officially in a relationship?

From the way you describe him, I doubt he's had sex either.  And even if you do get to the point of intimacy, you may be like most teens and fool around for a while before having intercourse. 

Just mention it when you feel that you're getting close to having sex and when you're discussing contraception.   There's no rush for the discussion or for sex