It's driving me crazy

[LauraXX]

I’m a long-time LS member (rarely post though). I've been on dating apps for about ten years now—had a few short relationships and lots of situationships. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting red flags. But every now and then, someone comes along who completely knocks you off your feet, and all logic goes out the window. I could use a reality check—am I overthinking, or are my concerns valid?

So: I’m 47f and matched with a 41yo guy on Tinder a month ago. We’ve had four dates so far: first one was dinner, second a movie (we kissed), third was sushi in his town (we had sex after), and then most recently his birthday (wine at his place, I stayed over). Honestly, I feel like I’m falling for him. I think he enjoys our time together, but I have this gut feeling he doesn’t see me as a potential girlfriend.

It feels too soon to have “the conversation”. But I also don’t want to invest too much without knowing where he stands. So now I’m stuck overanalyzing everything—and I hate it.

What’s bothering me:

The age gap. Six years isn’t much, but he  said he wants kids eventually—and I’m 47. Feels like a silent dealbreaker.

He doesn’t initiate contact between dates. He did suggest the first three, but otherwise: radio silence. I last saw him three days ago. I told him I’m busy this week, but still—wouldn’t you check in at least occasionally with someone you really liked? Especially after I told him, that I would love to hear from him more often. 

His Tinder bio says he’s looking for a life partner but open to meeting “interesting people along the way.” He got out of a LTR in December and immediately joined three dating apps (one of them is specifically for NSA hookups). Sounds like rebound territory.

We’ve had sex twice and both times he had performance issues. He was VERY attentive to me though, which I appreciated—but it still makes me wonder if he’s not that attracted to me.

Reasons for optimism:

He’s generous with compliments and seems to enjoy our time together.

Says he focuses on one person when dating and is fine with sexual exclusivity if that matters to his partner / FWB whatever.

Doesn’t seem like a player. Said he’s often the “nice guy” who gets friendzoned. Claims I’m only the third person he’s met from OLD, and that he doesn’t get many matches. Still, one date a month doesn’t exactly scream “not many matches” to me.

Talks about future plans involving me—meeting friends, doing things together. So that suggests it’s not a date-by-date thing, right?

We align on humor, values, politics, religion (both atheists), and even sexually (some little weirdo kinks we share) —which I think is rare in OLD.

So now I’m stuck: Am I just anxious and need to chill? Or are there legit red flags here? If he still doesn’t reach out in the next couple of days, should I text him (even though I initiated the last date)?
Timing is also an issue—I’m swamped this week and only free late at night. I thought about suggesting a late movie, but I don’t want it to come off as a booty call. Should I wait until I’m free at normal hours again (in 8-9 days) and suggest a daytime activity?

This whole thing is stressing me out so much it’s making me physically sick. I really like this guy ☹

[Els]

39 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

Six years isn’t much, but he  said he wants kids eventually—

My opinion is that if someone made it all the way to the age of 41 without having kids, they're probably not all that serious about wanting kids.

Quote

He doesn’t initiate contact between dates. He did suggest the first three, but otherwise: radio silence. I last saw him three days ago. I told him I’m busy this week, but still—wouldn’t you check in at least occasionally with someone you really liked? Especially after I told him, that I would love to hear from him more often. 

Have you tried messaging him? Did you initiate contact more than once in the past? The way you're phrasing it, it sounds like he initiated contact 3 times and you did once, is that correct?

If that is the case, then surely it sounds like YOU are the one indicating lack of interest, not him?

I feel like you're overthinking things, which might lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Holy crap, you guys are in your 40s, not teenagers. If you want to watch a late movie but not have sex, surely that can be communicated? And if you do want to have sex, then what's the problem?

 

[LauraXX]

40 minutes ago, Els said:

Have you tried messaging him? Did you initiate contact more than once in the past? The way you're phrasing it, it sounds like he initiated contact 3 times and you did once, is that correct?

Yes, I did message him (twice I think) just to check-in and make a bit of small talk, but the conversations died down immediately because his answers were so short, and he didn’t really ask any questions back. He did initiate three of the dates though (with very short, to the point messages). 

[LauraXX]

46 minutes ago, Els said:

I feel like you're overthinking things, which might lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Holy crap, you guys are in your 40s, not teenagers. If you want to watch a late movie but not have sex, surely that can be communicated? And if you do want to have sex, then what's the problem?

 

The problem is: I must be doing something wrong if all these situationships didn’t work out. I’m the common denominator. I have no problem getting dates and I can’t remember a single situation where the guy wasn’t eager to go on a second date. But I always, always, always end up in the FWB zone sooner or later. Even though I think I’m communicating quite clearly that I’m looking for commitment. So maybe my words are saying one thing, my actions something different (like suggesting late night activities).

[Els]

46 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

Yes, I did message him (twice I think) just to check-in and make a bit of small talk, but the conversations died down immediately because his answers were so short, and he didn’t really ask any questions back. He did initiate three of the dates though (with very short, to the point messages). 

Hmm. It's hard to say, really... was he engaged in the conversations you two had in real life? Some people aren't big on texting. I guess I'd consider this an orange flag, it depends on the context.

43 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

The problem is: I must be doing something wrong if all these situationships didn’t work out. I’m the common denominator. I have no problem getting dates and I can’t remember a single situation where the guy wasn’t eager to go on a second date. But I always, always, always end up in the FWB zone sooner or later. Even though I think I’m communicating quite clearly that I’m looking for commitment. So maybe my words are saying one thing, my actions something different (like suggesting late night activities).

I don't think the time of the day affects whether it turns into a FWB situation or not.

If you don't want to be in a situation where you are having sex without commitment, then I guess the solution is to not have sex until there is commitment?

I don't mean this in the "make them wait" sense, but simply due to the filtering effect. If you're having sex without commitment, then naturally you will be filtering specifically for people who also want to have sex without commitment. Some of these people may or may not be open to commitment later, but at the same time you're getting emotionally attached without knowing whether they are or not.

On the other hand, if you wait, you'll be filtering for people who also want commitment first. Yeah you'll lose some of the latter category (those who may be open to it later), but on the other hand you're also wasting less time with incompatible people.

[LauraXX]

52 minutes ago, Els said:

Hmm. It's hard to say, really... was he engaged in the conversations you two had in real life? Some people aren't big on texting. I guess I'd consider this an orange flag, it depends on the context.

I don't think the time of the day affects whether it turns into a FWB situation or not.

If you don't want to be in a situation where you are having sex without commitment, then I guess the solution is to not have sex until there is commitment?

I don't mean this in the "make them wait" sense, but simply due to the filtering effect. If you're having sex without commitment, then naturally you will be filtering specifically for people who also want to have sex without commitment. Some of these people may or may not be open to commitment later, but at the same time you're getting emotionally attached without knowing whether they are or not.

On the other hand, if you wait, you'll be filtering for people who also want commitment first. Yeah you'll lose some of the latter category (those who may be open to it later), but on the other hand you're also wasting less time with incompatible people.

Yes, he was definitely engaged in our real life conversations. No problems there. 

Well, anyways… I just texted him and asked him about his plans for Saturday night. He has read the message but hasn’t replied yet. We’ll see. I hate that I‘m so pessimistic about this. 

[smackie9]

You got me at "He wants kids"...in two more years...the possibility of menopause. Don't waste anymore time with this guy. In future...exclusivity/ monogamy before sex. Choose more realistically. You need to assess things that will align with your future plans, not how you feel or how he treats you in the moment. That's why you keep failing. 

[basil67]

I'd suggest coming right out with the children conversation.   "Hey, you said you want kids someday.  You know I'm 47, so how does this fit into the equation?"   He may tell you that he's aware that it may not happen now that he's getting older and you may choose to cautiously continue.   Or if he dodges the question, then assume he's just looking for casual and end it

[shellzbellz83]

 

56 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'd suggest coming right out with the children conversation.   "Hey, you said you want kids someday.  You know I'm 47, so how does this fit into the equation?"   He may tell you that he's aware that it may not happen now that he's getting older and you may choose to cautiously continue.   Or if he dodges the question, then assume he's just looking for casual and end it

Agree with this -- you're already intimate, so this feels like a very reasonable question to ask. 

[LauraXX]

Thanks for your answers. I know you‘re right but addressing the whole kids thing is terryfing to me. It feels like telling him: „You‘re aware that I‘m very, very old and come with an expiration date, right?“ 😩

Anyway, he replied. Said he already has plans for Saturday but that he could try to get another ticket if I wanted to come. Also said that he‘s „expecting a visitor“ on Friday next week (the other day I suggested), but that the person might cancel and then he‘d be free on that day as well. The strange wording OF COURSE makes me think that it‘s a date.  I‘m beyond help. It‘s pathetic 😂

But he DID seem a bit chattier in his reply and even asked some questions about how my week is going … 

 

 

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

Thanks for your answers. I know you‘re right but addressing the whole kids thing is terryfing to me. It feels like telling him: „You‘re aware that I‘m very, very old and come with an expiration date, right?“ 😩

But it's not about age and expiration dates!   It's about basic compatibility.  You'd like to think he's smart enough to already be aware that you probably won't be having children, but if you don't want to risk getting into a relationship with him, falling for him and then finding out that he's clueless when it comes to women's reproductive systems

Quote

But he DID seem a bit chattier in his reply and even asked some questions about how my week is going … 

If this is newsworthy, you must have had some real duds in the past!   What you're seeing here is that he has basic social skills.  Don't date anyone who doesn't ask what you've been up to.

Edit to add: I just re-read your opening posts.   One red flag is him telling you that he joined an app which is focussed on sex.  Does he have no filters??   The other is that he referred to himself as a "nice guy who gets friendzoned".    Good men do not refer to themselves as 'nice guys', nor do they get rejected for being good men.  Being rejected because they are nice guys is how incels on message boards speak.

I would not date this guy

 

Edited March 13 by basil67

[Interstellar]

7 hours ago, LauraXX said:

The problem is: I must be doing something wrong if all these situationships didn’t work out. I’m the common denominator. I have no problem getting dates and I can’t remember a single situation where the guy wasn’t eager to go on a second date. But I always, always, always end up in the FWB zone sooner or later. Even though I think I’m communicating quite clearly that I’m looking for commitment. So maybe my words are saying one thing, my actions something different (like suggesting late night activities).

Maybe, just maybe…don’t be intimate with them until you know the other person is trustworthy and has no red flags, and the relationship has been established. Let’s say after 3 months. You gotta run a tight ship girl.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, LauraXX said:

Said he’s often the “nice guy” who gets friendzoned.

That’s incel talk. Normal men don’t call themselves “nice guys” and they don’t get “friendzoned”. They sometimes get rejected and they’re fine with it and understand it has nothing to do with them being “nice”. Red flag right there.

Overall, OP, I have the impression that you’ve been getting together with the wrong type of men. Men who lack confidence, clarity of thinking, and mature attitude to dating and romance. You’ll need to raise the bar if you want to succeed, change quantity into quality. Perhaps getting off OLD and meeting people in real life would be a good first step.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, LauraXX said:

But I always, always, always end up in the FWB zone sooner or later. Even though I think I’m communicating quite clearly that I’m looking for commitment.

Perhaps you could approach these matters a tad differently. Instead of looking for commitment, try to look for the right kind of man with whom you truly have a connection on all levels.

Don’t look for something, look for someone.

[basil67]

Also, one doesn't accidentally 'end up' in the FWB zone -this is something you're allowing to happen.   Sure, you might have sex early on if you're horny, but don't keep going back for more if a relationship is not rapidly progressing.  

You need to make different choices

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, LauraXX said:

The age gap. Six years isn’t much, but he  said he wants kids eventually—and I’m 47. Feels like a silent dealbreaker.

Well this is definitely a deal breaker.  It doesn't make any sense to think there's long term potential here if he wants kids.  How did he let you know he wants kids?  Was it just in his dating profile, or did he directly tell you this?

11 hours ago, LauraXX said:

He doesn’t initiate contact between dates. He did suggest the first three, but otherwise: radio silence. I last saw him three days ago. I told him I’m busy this week, but still—wouldn’t you check in at least occasionally with someone you really liked? Especially after I told him, that I would love to hear from him more often. 

I definitely think if he had a high level of interest in you, he would be communicating with you more often.  It very much sounds like he is dating other people.

11 hours ago, LauraXX said:

His Tinder bio says he’s looking for a life partner but open to meeting “interesting people along the way.”

I hate to break this to you but it sounds a lot like he views you as one of those "interesting people along the way."

[LauraXX]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Well this is definitely a deal breaker.  It doesn't make any sense to think there's long term potential here if he wants kids.  How did he let you know he wants kids?  Was it just in his dating profile, or did he directly tell you this?

During the first date when I asked him about his living situation. He had bought a plot of land with his ex and they were planning on building a family home there. After the break-up he held on to the property because he still wants to live there with his family one day and he has this vision of raising kids there.

[LauraXX]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s incel talk. Normal men don’t call themselves “nice guys” and they don’t get “friendzoned”. They sometimes get rejected and they’re fine with it and understand it has nothing to do with them being “nice”. Red flag right there.

Overall, OP, I have the impression that you’ve been getting together with the wrong type of men. Men who lack confidence, clarity of thinking, and mature attitude to dating and romance. You’ll need to raise the bar if you want to succeed, change quantity into quality. Perhaps getting off OLD and meeting people in real life would be a good first step.

I generally agree, but for context (don’t want to reveal too much private info): I‘m working on an article about incels and the manosphere. I told him about my research and how I just don’t get these guys and he said something along the lines of: „I agree, I got „friendzoned“ my whole life, but I still can‘t fathom how anyone would end up in these communities.“ So this particular aspect didn’t even sound like a red flag to me. Other things did though. 

Edited Friday at 06:24 AM by LauraXX
typo

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

 After the break-up he held on to the property because he still wants to live there with his family one day and he has this vision of raising kids there.

I am curious why you have continued dating this man when his vision of the future is incompatible with yours. 

Are you hoping he'll change his mind about wanting kids? Are you terrified to ask in case you hear something you don't want to hear? (ie that this is just casual for him)?

[LauraXX]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Perhaps getting off OLD and meeting people in real life would be a good first step.

Ugh, I‘d LOVE to meet people in real life, believe me. But that just doesn’t happen. I just reinstalled Tinder a month ago, after a nice long break from OLD. Not a single date in a whole year … I live in a country where people are extremely reserved anyway and you don’t just talk to strangers. I feel like since the rise of dating apps even less people feel the need to approach you IRL. 

[LauraXX]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you hoping he'll change his mind about wanting kids? Are you terrified to ask in case you hear something you don't want to hear? (ie that this is just casual for him)?

TBH: Yes to both. Plus a third aspect: I might be looking for a commited relationship, but not necessarily a life long relationship. My longest relationship lasted 7 years and then it just ran its course. (my „happiest“ relationship ended after 3 years). I‘m still glad that we had that time together and don’t regret it just because it didn’t last. So chances are that we won’t be together in five years anyway - even if we give it a serious try now. And then he‘d still have a chance to make the kids thing happen. 

Edited Friday at 06:54 AM by LauraXX

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

I generally agree, but for context (don’t want to reveal too much private info): I‘m working on an article about incels and the manosphere. I told him about my research and how I just don’t get these guys and he said something along the lines of: „I agree, I got „friendzoned“ my whole life, but I still can‘t fathom how anyone would end up in these communities.“ So this particular aspect didn’t even sound like a red flag to me. Other things did though. 

The difference between a member of the incel community and a man who says he is a nice guy who got friendzoned is like the difference between an active Ku-Klux-Klan member and an ordinary latent racist.

But that’s not the point. The thing is that there is an alarming symmetry between his statement (“I keep getting friendzoned”) and your statement (“I keep getting FWB’d”). Both statements reflect a passive approach to dating and poor choices. It’s impossible to get either friendzoned or end up in a FWB situation if one chooses not to. 

[Foxhall]

It was just striking me there the whole process of meeting someone new for the first time and how the relationship evolves,

On the one hand a person should be excited by the challenge and going with the flow,

but the other side and this is more the way I am leaning- it seems like too much hard work- all the emotional baggage that has to be addressed and the effort at winning someone over and developing a new relationship,

part of me even subconsciously I think is preferring to remain single.

If I cannot reignite things with someone who already knows me- is it worth the effort going through the whole process again with someone new.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LauraXX said:

: I might be looking for a commited relationship, but not necessarily a life long relationship. My longest relationship lasted 7 years and then it just ran its course. (my „happiest“ relationship ended after 3 years). I‘m still glad that we had that time together and don’t regret it just because it didn’t last. So chances are that we won’t be together in five years anyway

You realize you're standing in your own way, right? 

You say you keep winding up in FWB, yet you're trying to pursue something that has a low chance of being more. Either you weed out the poorer prospects or you keep banging your head into a wall. 

[shellzbellz83]

16 hours ago, LauraXX said:

TBH: Yes to both. Plus a third aspect: I might be looking for a commited relationship, but not necessarily a life long relationship. My longest relationship lasted 7 years and then it just ran its course. (my „happiest“ relationship ended after 3 years). I‘m still glad that we had that time together and don’t regret it just because it didn’t last. So chances are that we won’t be together in five years anyway - even if we give it a serious try now. And then he‘d still have a chance to make the kids thing happen. 

He's a fully grown adult. If he says he wants children, you'd be wise to believe him. The idea that you could gracefully navigate a brief monogamous relationship with him and then release him to find the woman he really wants is incredibly unlikely. First, why would he even want to do that (rather than just continuing to look for what he wants while entertaining others along the way)? And even if he did, your anxious attachment style doesn't suggest that's remotely something you could handle. At the end of the day, not asking the question doesn't change the answer... just delays/prolongs the inevitable.