I don't know if my girlfriend is right for me, is it a me problem?

[avenger99]

I am 29 year old male. I haven't had much success with dating in my life other than a few casual relationships.

A few years ago I met a women online we began talking and spent a lot of time talking before meeting in person and began dating.. we have been together for a year and a half.

During this time we have had ups and downs like any relationship

The thing is though I am not sure if she is right for me. But sometimes I think it's a me problem. Because I lack experience I sometimes wonder if I'd be happier with a different women or maybe my expectations are too high ? Or maybe I am expecting to feel what you see in movies about the relationship ? Does that make sense?

My girlfriend is totally in love with me. We share the same values and have very similar personalities 

But I don't know what it is, it's like I just don't feel super strong about it? Even though my girlfriend hasn't really done anything wrong. 

What are your thoughts? Is it a problem with myself expecting something that doesn't exist?

Sometimes I think about breaking up with her as I feel bad that I don't seem to have the same level of feelings as her but then I think maybe I'd just feel this with every women??

[basil67]

I think we need to know more about these ups and downs.   Are we talking about trivial matters or issues which are making one of you consider ending the relationship?   

What's going on?

[avenger99]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think we need to know more about these ups and downs.   Are we talking about trivial matters or issues which are making one of you consider ending the relationship?   

What's going on?

I think it's more trivial 

Sometimes we have some arguments (usually it's civil) and we express why we are upset etc and it's resolved 

Usually the arguments stem from miscommunication or other trivial things 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, avenger99 said:

Because I lack experience I sometimes wonder if I'd be happier with a different women or maybe my expectations are too high ?

Well, what is it you're expecting? 

 

[avenger99]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, what is it you're expecting? 

 

I guess i don't have an overwhelming joy or excitement being with her 

Sometimes I actually feel like it's a chore to call her on the phone or speak to her.

But I do miss her when we don't talk

I'm not sure it's like she just feels like a pleasant companion rather someone I have a burning desire for

But I feel/know deep down I'll probably feel this way with every women

I'm not sure what to do

Sometimes we talk about moving in together etc but it just makes me anxious 

But if i was to break up with her I guarantee I'll be depressed for years realising how good I had it and regretting it

[basil67]

I think she needs to know how you feel so she can make an informed decision

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think she needs to know how you feel so she can make an informed decision

I agree. 

She may well decide she doesn't want to continue this. 

[Gebidozo]

The first thing to do is to tell her exactly how you feel.

If she chooses to break up with you then, the problem will be solved in that way.

If she chooses to stay with you regardless of the discrepancy of your feelings, or perhaps hoping for a change, you’ll have to make the decision yourself.

People are different and there is no universal recipe for happiness in love life. All I can say that if I felt the same way as you do, I’d break up. But that’s because I feel romantic passion relatively easily and my problem is rather the opposite, an excess of infatuation.

I do believe, however, that a romantic relationship in which the two partners have such different levels of feeling to each other can never be happy. Either both feel deep passion, or both are lukewarm. If, as you’re saying, she’s “totally in love” with you while you are obviously not, I don’t see how this could ever end well.

[avenger99]

But how can I tell her? In what way?

[smackie9]

The way you just told us. 

[ShyViolet]

She doesn't have to have done something wrong for you to feel that you are just not that into this relationship.  It's clear from what you are saying that you are just not that into her.  She is way more into you than you are into her.  The relationship is imbalanced.  Whatever you do, you should NOT move in with her.  That would be a huge mistake.  I think you owe it to her to be honest with her.  Say that you have been feeling unsure about the relationship and about your feelings for her.

Is it that you aren't that attracted to her?  Is there intimacy in the relationship?

[avenger99]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

She doesn't have to have done something wrong for you to feel that you are just not that into this relationship.  It's clear from what you are saying that you are just not that into her.  She is way more into you than you are into her.  The relationship is imbalanced.  Whatever you do, you should NOT move in with her.  That would be a huge mistake.  I think you owe it to her to be honest with her.  Say that you have been feeling unsure about the relationship and about your feelings for her.

Is it that you aren't that attracted to her?  Is there intimacy in the relationship?

I'm really scared to express my feelings about how I really feel

No we have intimacy

I just i think there's a combination of small things if that makes sense 

I just don't feel overly happy / joyful when I'm with her it's like my energy/mood just deflates instead of energisers me

But maybe that's how I am?

[ExpatInItaly]

No, that's likely how you are in this relationship, because you are not very into her. 

She is not the right one for you. It's plain as day. 

[avenger99]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, that's likely how you are in this relationship, because you are not very into her. 

She is not the right one for you. It's plain as day. 

You know what I think the problem is?

She doesn't really have any hobbies or life outside of the relationship I've tried encouraging her but she works a demanding job and also is socially anxious 

But I just feel like I'm responsible for entertaining her and I think that's what drains me 

Also her personality annoys me sometimes

Like today we were texting i mentioned a few times how sleepy and tired I was as I had a bad sleep 

We called after work and during the conversation I said I'm so sleepy and she asks why?

I don't know why just that question irritated me, like isn't it obvious?

Its friday, i just finished work, i meantioned a few times how i didnt sleep etc

I just say because I didn't sleep and then we changed subject but why doesn't she say something supportive or emphatic or something ?

 

Edited March 7 by avenger99

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, avenger99 said:

You know what I think the problem is?

She doesn't really have any hobbies or life outside of the relationship I've tried encouraging her but she works a demanding job and also is socially anxious 

But I just feel like I'm responsible for entertaining her and I think that's what drains me 

Also her personality annoys me sometimes

Like today we were texting i mentioned a few times how sleepy and tired I was as I had a bad sleep 

We called after work and during the conversation I said I'm so sleepy and she asks why?

I don't know why just that question irritated me, like isn't it obvious?

Its friday, i just finished work, i meantioned a few times how i didnt sleep etc

I just say because I didn't sleep and then we changed subject but why doesn't she say something supportive or emphatic or something ?

 

It sounds like you're just incompatible. You want her to say and do things and be a different way and she just isn't, she is who she is.

It's sucks but that's the way it is sometimes. One or both people having to change to make the relationship work, doesn't work.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, avenger99 said:

She doesn't really have any hobbies or life outside of the relationship

I know that I wouldn't match well with someone like this, either. I had an ex-boyfriend like this many years ago and it drove me nuts because he depended way too much on me to be the centre of his world. 

But we can't who someone fundamentally is. If she doesn't want more of a life, well, that's her prerogative. 

I just think you aren't a good match, but you're afraid of not finding someone else so you're telling yourself that maybe you are the problem. But I don't think that's it. She isn't the priblem either, necessarily. You simply are not a good fit for each other. 

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, avenger99 said:

 

I just don't feel overly happy / joyful when I'm with her it's like my energy/mood just deflates instead of energisers me

This is not a good sign for a relationship at all.  You've only been with her a year and a half, that is still a fairly short time where you should still not be that far out from the honeymoon phase.  If you're already feeling like this, it will only get worse.  You can either waste a lot more time in this relationship until it eventually gets so bad that it fizzles out completely, or you can cut your losses now.

[Acacia98]

On 3/5/2025 at 2:50 AM, avenger99 said:

 What are your thoughts? Is it a problem with myself expecting something that doesn't exist?

Sometimes I think about breaking up with her as I feel bad that I don't seem to have the same level of feelings as her but then I think maybe I'd just feel this with every women??

Based on all your posts so far, it sounds like you're not a good match. It also sounds like you're not used to knowing and trusting your own feelings.

It sounds like you've already started to resent her:

Quote

 

Also her personality annoys me sometimes

 

Like today we were texting i mentioned a few times how sleepy and tired I was as I had a bad sleep 

 

We called after work and during the conversation I said I'm so sleepy and she asks why?

 

I don't know why just that question irritated me, like isn't it obvious?

 

Don't stay in the relationship too long. You don't want to get to the point where you guys are arguing way too regularly and you're finding fault with much of what she does. That's what ultimately happens when a person ignores their feelings and remains in a close relationship with someone they're tired of.

[Guy101]

Could you just be to the point where you haven't really dated much and want to see what all is out there that you might be missing?

I've been in a very similar relationship.  The relationship I was in, the girl was very much into me, wanted to spend as much time as possible with me.  We were pretty much in line with one another with things such as religion, politics, family values...etc.   I was attracted to her early on in the relationship but I think the continued clinginess started to turn me off in the relationship and made me lose some of the attraction.  We never lived together since I had full custody of my son and I didn't want to move someone in without being married, but she was over at my house every single day.  She was good to my son and my son liked her but he didn't like that she was around every waking hour.  She continually badgered me about getting married. We were together for about 5 years and then I ended the relationship because I could not continue to take the weekly badgering of wanting to get married.  I wanted my son to be a little older before we got married but never gave her a particular time.

That was about 3 years ago...and I have to say it was probably a poor decision on my part.  I singled out the few negatives aspects about her and didn't include the many positives aspects about her in my decision making.  I have been on probably 10 different dates with women in that 3 year time and have yet to find one that would bend over backwards for me like she would have.  I'm currently dating a girl that I'm really attracted to and enjoy spending time with....but I don't think I could depend on her to do half of the things as I could have from the other girl.  Am I more attracted to the new girl vs the girl I dated for 5+ years.....overall no, I think its because I'm having to chase her more-so is what the attraction is but that is already starting to wear on me.  

I guess my overall point to you....before you mess up a good thing with someone you know really cares about you...decide what your looking for out of life and remember the grass is not always greener on the other side.