Emotional turmoil of no contact and d-day

[WorkingOnMyself2]

Last March I received a friend request of someone I’d heard of through mutual friends although we hadn’t met. We started messaging and soon met in person at a gig. He introduced me to his fiancé and said he wanted us to be friends. We would spend all day messaging about our biggest fears and dreams. Looking back I realise this was the start of an emotional affair. I noticed that I’d fallen in love with this man so I tried to step away.

 

In September, a boundary was crossed and we started sexting. After that first night I cut him off but when he started working to get me back I fell back into the push/pull dynamic. On multiple occasions he tried to move our affair to an in-person dynamic but I refused. The sexting happened on one more occasion in November. After that I started to experience some ‘final straws’.

 

As I know both members of the couple, I know his complaints about his relationship are not lies. They have a real issue with sexual compatibility and communication. On multiple occasions his fiancé has come to me to complain of her own unhappiness in the relationship. They’ll get into explosive rows if he doesn’t text her back within 6 minutes. There was an instance between them recently where he was supportive and friendly with the guy he knew sexually assaulted his fiancé. When she expressed her hurt over this he questioned whether she was even telling the truth about the crime. She wasn’t sure she wanted to marry him any longer. But after 12 hours of silent treatment they swept the entire thing under the rug and ignored it. 
 

The first of the ‘final straws’ for me occurred in November. When I went to a gig with the couple in question and a mutual friend. There was reason to believe that an abusive ex of mine would turn up outside to harm me that night. Towards the end of the gig I turned around and they’d all left without saying anything. My AP text me asking for nudes and I put my foot down. I tried to maintain a friendship with him up until January when the second ‘final straw’ occurred. I was having a particularly difficult time with my mental health and reached out to my AP. For the first time ever he left me on read. I spiralled and hit a rock bottom. But luckily this gave me the insight that this entire situation was breaking me. I messaged him to tell him to never speak to me again and then restricted him across all social media. I didn’t block him or call him out because I didn’t want people in our friendship group asking questions. 
 

I was doing well with trying to move on. I believe I was susceptible to an affair because I was lonely. I’ve been disabled since my teens, and spent many years housebound. My AP was the first man in nearly a decade that I let see me for who I was. I believed I wasn’t loveable because of my disability. He taught himself how to see symptoms of my disability worsening and what to do when that happened. I felt seen and loved, like I wasn’t a burden to people who cared about me. Now I’m working on self-love. Being kinder to myself. Knowing that being disabled doesn’t reduce my worth. That I deserve love. 
 

On Wednesday someone contacted the fiancé to tell her about our cheating. She doesn’t believe it and has swept it under the rug. It’s reignited a whole host of emotions for me. Particularly because the first thing my AP did was message me freaking out because he ‘can’t lose her’. I selfishly fear our mutual friends finding out and hating me. Although I know I have to suffer the consequences of my own actions. Tomorrow I have to see my AP at a gig. I’ve been doing a good job of ignoring him entirely at gigs since we’ve been in no contact but I know tomorrow is likely to heighten my negative emotions. 
 

I’ve been working with a therapist to get to the bottom of my own behaviour and improve myself. I want to make sure I don’t do anything like this again. I do not want to contribute to another persons pain ever again. I know there’s nothing I can do to right the wrongs I’ve done to the fiancé. If I was less selfish I know I would stop going to gigs so they can have a peaceful relationship without me. But the gigs are one of the only things keeping me from being housebound again. They’ve allowed me to be like a ‘normal’ woman in her late 20s. 
 

I don’t know what my reason for posting is. I think I just needed to get my emotions out somehow. Does it get easier? Will I eventually stop hating myself and beating myself up? 

[BaileyB]

 

4 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

He introduced me to his fiancé and said he wanted us to be friends. We would spend all day messaging about our biggest fears and dreams.

If he was your fiancé and he began texting and building a “friendship” with another woman, how would you feel about that? 

 

4 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

As I know both members of the couple, I know his complaints about his relationship are not lies. They have a real issue with sexual compatibility and communication. On multiple occasions his fiancé has come to me to complain of her own unhappiness in the relationship.

You are not her friend, you are her fiancé’s affair partner. It was totally inappropriate and very unkind for you to allow this woman to feel safe in sharing personal and intimate information with you given the situation. You betrayed her trust, twice. 

As for him - how do we know that he is not a good guy, you ask? 
 

4 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

There was an instance between them recently where he was supportive and friendly with the guy he knew sexually assaulted his fiancé. When she expressed her hurt over this he questioned whether she was even telling the truth about the crime.

 

4 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

There was reason to believe that an abusive ex of mine would turn up outside to harm me that night. Towards the end of the gig I turned around and they’d all left without saying anything.

 

4 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

On multiple occasions he tried to move our affair to an in-person dynamic but I refused. 

Respectfully, this guy doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he is not a kind, considerate, or trustworthy person… he has demonstrated on multiple occasions that he is motivated to pursue his own self interest with little consideration for the safety or emotional well-being for either yourself or his current girlfriend. Simply put, good men with character don’t treat women this way. 

I don’t say this to make you feel badly, I just want you to be clear. This man, despite how he has made you feel about him or yourself, is to be avoided. If he breaks up with his fiancé tomorrow, there are enough red flags here for you to walk away and never see him, ever again. 

Continue with your counselling. Look for other ways to engage with people and activities that bring you connection and joy. 

Best wishes. 
 

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh with my response and I feel like it was more harsh than I intended it to be. I’ve tried to edit and I can’t. 

Please, be kind to yourself. While relationship boundaries were crossed here, it could be much worse. This is your opportunity to change course before you got deeper into this affair… I wish you well on that path. It will get better, with time and distance. 

Edited March 2 by BaileyB

[WorkingOnMyself2]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh with my response and I feel like it was more harsh than I intended it to be. I’ve tried to edit and I can’t. 

Please, be kind to yourself. While relationship boundaries were crossed here, it could be much worse. This is your opportunity to change course before you got deeper into this affair… I wish you well on that path. It will get better, with time and distance. 

Thank you for being so honest Bailey, sometimes some home truths are what we needed. I should have walked away from them all when I realised I’d fallen in love with him. I was naïve to think I could be a fair friend to her when I loved her partner. 
 

I do see now that he is not a kind or good man. It took me a while to get there, but the rose-tinted glasses have been firmly removed. I know I may need to consider removing myself from my entire friendship group and no longer going to gigs. I do have some hobbies I could do at home instead. I fear the loneliness of my housebound years again. But I’ll start trying to get my head around that as a repercussion for my actions. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I know his complaints about his relationship are not lies

But unless you are with  them behind closed doors, you can never know the full truth, either. Please don't assume you know all there is to know. 

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

They’ll get into explosive rows if he doesn’t text her back within 6 minutes

Gee, I wonder why she is suspicious of him.  Did you stop to consider that you are not the only woman he's crossed boundaries with? In fact, I would bet the farm that you aren't. He's too comfortable getting cozy with another woman. This is familiar territory for him, suggesting that you are not the first or only one. 

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I felt seen and loved,

It's really sad that a man who treated you like this feels like love to you. It indicates that previous men have been even worse. Because ditching you at a gig and then asking for nudes? That isn't love.  It's convenience, and it's very inconsiderate. You were entertainment to this guy. 

5 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I was naïve to think I could be a fair friend to her when I loved her partner

It's not naive. It's selfish, plain and simple. You knew whart you were doing. I don't mean to come down too harshly on you, but I don't buy that this was naivety on your part. I thnk you were compartmentalizing so much that you couldn't see the forest for the trees. 

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

Particularly because the first thing my AP did was message me freaking out because he ‘can’t lose her’.

In some ways, you probably needed to hear this, though. A lot of people get so caught up in the affair that they don't realize that the AP doesn't actually want to leave their relationship and they're not as emotionally  invested as they thought. It's a cold dose of reality when push comes to shove. And it's sometimes exactly what is needed to start to let go of the fantasy. 

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

On Wednesday someone contacted the fiancé to tell her about our cheating

Who knew about it? Did you tell someone? Because if you didn't, that means your loverboy hasn't been discreet and more mutual friends will likely find out now too. 

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

She doesn’t believe it and has swept it under the rug

How do you know this? Because he told you?  It all sounds a little strange. Are you sure this wasn't just his way of getting out of this without having to be honest with you that he wanted to stop? 

[WorkingOnMyself2]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 Gee, I wonder why she is suspicious of him.  Did you stop to consider that you are not the only woman he's crossed boundaries with? In fact, I would bet the farm that you aren't. He's too comfortable getting cozy with another woman. This is familiar territory for him, suggesting that you are not the first or only one. 

It's really sad that a man who treated you like this feels like love to you. It indicates that previous men have been even worse. Because ditching you at a gig and then asking for nudes? That isn't love.  It's convenience, and it's very inconsiderate. You were entertainment to this guy. 

It's not naive. It's selfish, plain and simple. You knew whart you were doing. I don't mean to come down too harshly on you, but I don't buy that this was naivety on your part. I thnk you were compartmentalizing so much that you couldn't see the forest for the trees. 

In some ways, you probably needed to hear this, though. A lot of people get so caught up in the affair that they don't realize that the AP doesn't actually want to leave their relationship and they're not as emotionally  invested as they thought. It's a cold dose of reality when push comes to shove. And it's sometimes exactly what is needed to start to let go of the fantasy. 

Who knew about it? Did you tell someone? Because if you didn't, that means your loverboy hasn't been discreet and more mutual friends will likely find out now too. 

How do you know this? Because he told you?  It all sounds a little strange. Are you sure this wasn't just his way of getting out of this without having to be honest with you that he wanted to stop? 

It’s definitely likely that he’s crossed boundaries before. If he hasn’t then I do thoroughly believe he will do it again. I felt the love at the beginning when we were just friends. He was originally very protective and caring with me. In November, when he left me at the gig. I realised he was no longer treating me right and backed out of his life. 
 

I definitely believe I was compartmentalising. But there was definitely naïveté on my part too. Looking back I should have seen that an engaged man wasn’t trying to be my friend when he messaged me. I have been letting go of the fantasy since November, but I do admit that hearing that he wasn’t going to leave really finished the last remnants off. 
 

I told a friend months ago. But I also had my phone out on the bar when left the gig and asked me for nudes and I believe that people saw that. 
 

His fiancé messaged me to tell me she didn’t believe it because she ‘trusts the man she is going to marry’. I’d already left him back in January and have been ignoring him ever since so I do not believe this is his way of making it stop. It was already stopped and completely finished.

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I told a friend months ago. But I also had my phone out on the bar when left the gig and asked me for nudes and I believe that people saw that. 

No, this is highly unlikely. They'd have to have very good visiion and be looking petty closely at your phone to be able to actually read messages that showed up on your screen.

Your friend either told someone else, or this guy has told other people about it. As such, I would be prepared for more people to find out, unfortunately. It's clearly not a secret anymore. 

46 minutes ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

His fiancé messaged me to tell me she didn’t believe it because she ‘trusts the man she is going to marry’.

And did you decide to tell her the truth? How did you reply to her? 

[WorkingOnMyself2]

34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, this is highly unlikely. They'd have to have very good visiion and be looking petty closely at your phone to be able to actually read messages that showed up on your screen.

Your friend either told someone else, or this guy has told other people about it. As such, I would be prepared for more people to find out, unfortunately. It's clearly not a secret anymore. 

And did you decide to tell her the truth? How did you reply to her? 

I suspect my friend may have told my abusive ex. I should add that I realised none of these people were my actual ‘friends’ when they didn’t believe me or my exes 5 other victims. They all eventually saw his abusive actions and came running back but I’ve kept a distance ever since. The person who posted it on social media is friends with my ex too. My ex is an incredibly dangerous man. The fiancé believes it is just him getting revenge because I went to the police. 
 

She didn’t ask me about it and instantly jumped to it being my exes revenge. My reaction was just to panic and question whether I needed to alert the police based on my case with him. I did not tell her about the 2 instances of sexting. For my own selfish needs I couldn’t face the full repercussions. I just decided to back away from the entire friendship group. 

Edited March 2 by WorkingOnMyself2

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I just decided to back away from the entire friendship group. 

That’s a very wise decision.

Is there another group of musicians that you can join? Classes you can take to meet other people? An online group you can participate in from home? I would be looking for other ways to connect with people and build other relationships… take care of yourself.

[WorkingOnMyself2]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s a very wise decision.

Is there another group of musicians that you can join? Classes you can take to meet other people? An online group you can participate in from home? I would be looking for other ways to connect with people and build other relationships… take care of yourself.

Thank you so much Bailey. I’m actually due to start volunteering tomorrow. It’s for a youth charity supporting young musicians with free lessons and band practice. They do mental health work there. I’m currently doing a Masters in Forensic Psychology and mental health. I think juggling my studying, volunteering and disabilities will keep me very busy. I may go to the odd gig with a family member. But it’ll be for the music rather than to socialise with anyone! I finally see what a toxic culture the whole thing is. I see that it brought out the toxic in me too. It’s time to move on and do better! 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I’m actually due to start volunteering tomorrow. It’s for a youth charity supporting young musicians with free lessons and band practice. They do mental health work there.

Amazing!! 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

The fiancé believes it is just him getting revenge because I went to the police. 

I think she wants to believe this, because the truth would hurt her to much to hear - so she didn't question it. That doesn't mean she won't, at some point. But yes, it's going to best to put this whole group behind you. 

 

[WorkingOnMyself2]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think she wants to believe this, because the truth would hurt her to much to hear - so she didn't question it. That doesn't mean she won't, at some point. But yes, it's going to best to put this whole group behind you. 

 

I definitely think she’ll eventually come out of her denial. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me today! 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, WorkingOnMyself2 said:

I definitely think she’ll eventually come out of her denial. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me today! 

You got this, OP. 

I think you have enough insight to move past this without bringing yourself down any further. Take care of yourself going forward, and let this all be a lesson to keep away from men like this person. Your own happiness and well-being is more important. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Just stay away from people that are attached, simple.