she says not ready to be in a relationship right now, wants to be friends, doesnt have feelings for me anymore

[tommy2025]

Ok to sum up our 2 year relationship:

* met at work, worked together about a year and then on new years a spark happened and we hit it off and maybe moved too fast into the relationship

* all kinds of magic talk the first few months and first year, ie. ( destined to be together, we knew each other from the past, other various destiny type of signals, soulmate etc)

*the first year i worked the opposite shift she does, she worked days, and me evenings so just based on the work was hard to have time with her, but we still made time together

* she wanted me to do a lot of family stuff with her family, which I tried to do, but a lot of it seemed too much too fast.  I was moving at a slower speed than she was.

* so she would keep texting me constantly and I would be more playing hard to get and not answering as much or even out right ignoring her sometimes.  I sort of assumed she was ok with an occasional seeing her 2 or 3 times a week kinda thing.  But she is more the type that needed daily togetherness more and more.

* she is a a daily wine drinker  (maybe 2 or 3 BIG glasses of red wine a night)

* we have a few fights the first year based on miscommunication and misread signals.  I was at a hotel with her and I did not hear her say good morning, but then she snapped at me and steamed into the bathroom with a real pissed off look on her face.  I took that as an attack on me for no reason and basically ignored her crying in the car on the drive home (which she later blamed me for ignoring her when she was crying)

*  The second year my Mom got brain cancer and basically had to move into my house for the entire year so I could take care of her.  I was essentially locked down in my place and could almost never barely leave and barely slept for months and almost lost my job.

* a month or two before my Mom's final decline my gf essnetially broke up with me and said she was hurt and that I did not make enough time for her.  I supposed I could have tried to get staffing help for my Mom but I didnt have 20K a month to pay for caretakers.  It was an overall difficult situation.  Honestly I should have broken up with her at that point and said I need time, but I didnt'.

* we got back together too soon , but now again she broke up with me saying a whole laundry list of complaints about how she is hurt and has been hurting for a long time (but she never communicates this to me) and that she cannot hurt anymore.

 

*her list of complaints against me are:  I don't spend enough time with her, I dont put her first, dont hang out with her family enough, I don't compliment her (she was hammering me for days and weeks about how I dont compliment her enough ).

 

So now she keeps texting me occasionally and then some talks on the phone, but it all seems pointless.  She keeps saying she is not ready to be in a relationship right now.  She calls herself a 'depressed f up'.

I mean I read the No contact advice but it is hard to pull the plug when the feelings run so deep.

My parents were of the generation married for 60 years, and stay together no matter what kind of crap happens in their relationship.  So with that backdrop, it is hard to just quit easily on someone.

 

And so here we are 2 days from valentines day.  Do I send her a valentines day card?

I think I already know your answers

Edited February 12 by tommy2025

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, tommy2025 said:

My parents were of the generation married for 60 years, and stay together no matter what kind of crap happens in their relationship.  So with that backdrop, it is hard to just quit easily on someone.

Do you know why so many in our parents generation stayed together?  It's because they had no other choice.     

a) divorce was frowned upon and b) many women didn't have the earning capacity to be able to support themselves and the kids.  And even if she did have a well paying job, the woman couldn't get a loan or own property without her husband being on the title.    

Staying through any kind of crap situation should not be a marital goal.  

[SurfCity]

You don't seem compatible with her at all.

It seems like she tells you what she wants from you and in response you do nothing. She said she wants more compliments, that's pretty easy to do, but you didn't bother.

You ignored her while she was crying on the drive home and didn't find out until later that it was because she thought that you had ignored her.

You admit to deliberately ignoring her during the first year of the relationship and you don't like the amount she drinks. Let this relationship go, you two aren't right for each other. 

[tommy2025]

Why does she keep texting me every other day asking me “how was work “. I try to just ignore her but when I pull away she wants to check in .

and then when I didn’t answer after a few hours she writes “I hope you are ok “  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, tommy2025 said:

Why does she keep texting me every other day asking me “how was work “. I try to just ignore her but when I pull away she wants to check in .

and then when I didn’t answer after a few hours she writes “I hope you are ok “  

Sounds like she's a game player or attention seeker.  Or she's trying to tear the sticking plaster off slowly.

I suggest putting her in her place.  "You ended the relationship and so I need to heal.  So stop texting and calling me. If you don't stop I'm going to have to block you"

Edited February 14 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

You keeps texting her because the person she's texting won't tell her to leave him alone. The person she's texting won't block her--that's why she's texting. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/12/2025 at 11:01 PM, tommy2025 said:

My parents were of the generation married for 60 years, and stay together no matter what kind of crap happens in their relationship. 

That wasn't necessarily a good choice either, though.  You can't claim that all of those marriages were happy ones or that those couples always stayed together because they truly loved each other and felt it was worth it. Social pressure and different expectations meant a lot of people who probably wanted out felt they had no choice but to stay.

Be careful about idealizing the older generations too much. Those long marriages are not always what we should aspire to.

On 2/14/2025 at 4:32 AM, tommy2025 said:

Why does she keep texting me every other day asking me “how was work “.

Because she hasn't met her next boyfriend yet and expects you to fill in the gaps for now.