Jump to content

Girlfriend mentioned she still talks with FWB?


Tommorgano

Recommended Posts

Tommorgano

I'm going to preface this by saying I have some deep, deep trust issues that were caused by a former girlfriend who was cheating on me. I think it's important you think about that while reading this post. I am insecure (before people attack me for being so). 

Me and my (28M) new girlfriend (26) of three months have been going quite well so far, but I am ashamed to say that - as a result of my past - I scrutinize and overanalyze everything she does and speaks. We know each other's past and I've been open, as has she. She told me that for about 2 years she was in a phase of getting FWBs. She didn't have sex with multiple people at a time, but she never committed to any one person and went through a number of men. All these men were usually older than her (usually between 10-15 years). I always found this a bit strange, but it seemed like it was her preference - even if it doesn't sit right with me. 

She's a beautiful girl, and she does love me quite a bit, but the other day she mentioned something a former FWB said to her on Instagram. I think it could have been in relation to a post which included me, but she was fairly relaxed about speaking to this guy. She says she often keeps in contact with some of them. She said they taught her things and made her mature as a person, etc. I don't know how I feel about it though. She did also happen to drop in something about the "amazing sex" she had with this guy who messaged her. 

I really, really, really want to get over my trust issues. I remained out of committed relationships for almost 5 years because of the damage an ex did to me. I never had any issues before her, now I am so cynical about anyone I get close with. I personally don't use social media, and I think this makes me even more insecure. I think about the people messaging her. While I'd imagine she's quick to ignore and/or block most guys, she still nonetheless interacts with these FWBs? 

Am I wrong to think this is strange? I don't interact with any girls I've slept with in the past. I don't think it's respectful, personally. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I hate to look insecure and demanding, but I also don't like my girl keeping up with guys who used to f*** her for week/months on end. 

What do you think?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
13 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

I really, really, really want to get over my trust issues

Then I suggest you weed out women like this one. 

This is certainly not about you being insecure. It's about her boundaries, which are incompatible with yours. I can't imagine most people would be alright with her interacting with these guys. I'm a woman and I can't fathom behaving the way this one does. I have no problem with casual sex or keeping touch with these people - when one is still single. But when you enter a relationship, I firmly believe appropriate boundaries need to be established.  She isn't doing that. You might like her a lot, but that doesn't mean she is a good match for you. 

17 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

She did also happen to drop in something about the "amazing sex" she had with this guy who messaged her. 

This is astonishingly insensitive on her part. What the actual hell? How did that manage to be "dropped" into conversation with you? 

Red flags all over this young woman, OP. Be careful. 

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Tommorgano
Quote

 

Thanks so much for replying. 

Sometimes I wonder if my past experience is making me hyper sensitive to my current relationship. 

Yeah that was insensitive, but I do project a very strong and confident image, even though behind it I am so extremely hurt from a past ex cheating on me. I've even told her about this experience of being cheated on. I have to say, it was the single most devasting emotional pain I've ever felt. It's no wonder it's left such a scar in me. I should also mention that all the FWB are in another country. 

I want to ask her. We're not together right now, we're in different states for a few days. I'd like to ask her over text and see what she says. Just ask her does she speak to them often and why she does.

I didn't have these trust issues for the first few weeks at all. They crept in though and now have me in a chokehold. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
26 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

Sometimes I wonder if my past experience is making me hyper sensitive to my current relationship.

Regarding this issue, you're not being hyper-sensitive. Your girlfriend is being disrespectful and inappropriate. 

27 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

I didn't have these trust issues for the first few weeks at all. They crept in though and now have me in a chokehold. 

Why do you think this is all down to your trust issues? She has given you good reason to be concerned. 

28 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

I should also mention that all the FWB are in another country. 

So? They don't need to be geographically near for her to be crossing inappropriate boundaries. 

What I see now is you trying to blame yourself for having a problem with this because you perhaps aren't quite ready to see that she's not as wonderful a catch as you initially thought. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Tommorgano said:

She did also happen to drop in something about the "amazing sex" she had with this guy who messaged her. 

So all these older guys taught her stuff? One thing they didn't teach her is manners. Banging on about past lovers and how great they were to a new partner is just crass and vulgar, and you're not being insecure or demanding because you're bothered by this. My advice is just ditch this classless twit with daddy issues and find someone with values and a vague clue about respecting other people. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand your feelings, but you need to realize that you can’t project your past negative experiences onto your current partner. Your GF isn’t cheating on you, she isn’t lying or hiding things. There is no connection and no correlation between what your ex did to you and your current predicament.

What’s happening now isn’t about trust or moral right or wrong, it’s about rules and boundaries. Every relationship have those. Some people are okay when their partners interact with their exes, some are not. Have you discussed that with your GF?

Personally, I feel that you’re overreacting. Your GF isn’t meeting her former FWB’s face to face and one on one (that’s where I’d personally draw the line). But those are my boundaries, yours might be different. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with those interactions, just tell her. Don’t hide your feelings and don’t pretend to be tough if you’re hurting. Ask her gently if it would be possible to tone down those communications.

The one thing I do find objectively problematic here is her telling you how good those guys were in the sack. I find this tasteless and disrespectful.

Edited by Gebidozo
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

o find objectively problematic here is her telling you how good those guys were in the sack. I find this tasteless and disrespectful

Agreed. 

I think OP needs to carefully consider how this reflects on her character. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Tommorgano

@ExpatInItaly

I do get so caught up in my mind though. I swear, before my last relationship, I had ZERO trust issues. When my ex started to to act super weird with her phone and literally take it with her every where, sleep with it under her pillow, etc, I changed. I peeked and became almost permanently damaged. 

Now this stuff happens and I wonder so much about being too caught up in the past and overreacting, or not seeing the reality of the situation.

Do you think I could send her that message I mentioned above? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
13 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

Do you think I could send her that message I mentioned above? 

I wouldn't do this over messaging. 

I would save it until you can speak on the phone or in person. Too much can be miscostrued with messaging. Have an actual conversation about it. And yes, I do think you need to talk to her about it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Tommorgano

@ExpatInItaly

Okay I'll think about that. She mentioned this last week. It's not that I've been harbouring it all week, it's just sort of come to me and made me uneasy. 

To be fair, she did tell me during the week that some guy she went on a date with before messaged her and told her that he was wondering about her. She never responded to him according to her. 

She posts me, writes literal love letters online about me, etc. I believe she loves me, but she sometimes does silly things like this which undermines confidence. She even tells me that she's way more in love with me than I am with her (for some reason?) .

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly
9 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

She posts me, writes literal love letters online about me, etc.

I mean, this is nice and all, but after just 3 months? It seems like a lot, no?

For me anyway, 3 months is too soon actually love someone. This is still the getting-to-know-you phase, in my point of view. She might be the type who gets ahead of herself. I am not sure I would take the above (and her claims of being in love with you) too seriously just yet. There is still much to learn about each other as this relationship unfolds. 

11 minutes ago, Tommorgano said:

She even tells me that she's way more in love with me than I am with her (for some reason?)

Again, likely just a by-product of her getting caught up in the sparks of the honeymoon phase. Don't put too much stock into these claims yet. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Interstellar

Your ex did a number on you. Sorry to hear that. You’re right this is about respect because if the situation were flipped she’d feel disrespected too.

 

Edited by Interstellar
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like all the other guys have had their fun with her and dumped her. If you want to wife this type of girl by all means but IMO have your fun and show her the door.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You were cheated on, you should have learned something out of it. The thing you should have learned is to not date women that keep in touch with guys she used to bang. You should have learned to pick a better partner.

When putting this on insecurities you are excusing her lack of boundaries and poor character. What she is doing is not mature! On the contrary! 

Stop excusing her. Tell her you don't want to hear about her sexcapade with her ex fwb. 

I would soooooo not date someone like that no matter how hot!

 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...