Move forward or walk away

[Goodpal]

I've now been in a 5 year relationship with someone whom I met 7 month upon separating from my wife who had been cheating on me. I was married for over 2 decades. Thankfully my kids are all grown.

Now this person has brought me a lot of joy and happiness. We have a lot of chemistry and often spend hours laughing when we are together, However this relationship came at a time when I had not fully processed the end of my marriage. I also began drinking more which kind of became the center piece for our activities together. I attempted to break off the relationship multiple times by I always found myself gravitating back to her. I find her extremely attractive and she connects back to my childhood which brings a whole layer of emotions in the relationship.

When my marriage ended I had to say goodbye to years and years of memories that built me into the man I am today. Now with the new girl it feels like she is rooted in the past I had as a child and our lives seem so intertwined based on our mutual experiences growing in the same town, knowing the same people, etc. It's such a deep rooted feeling and it kind of bypasses the memories from my marriage and gives me feelings of joy, 

Now the problem is that she's a pretty big drinker and pothead. I feel this is affecting her ability to do daily activities. She has very little energy for the simplest things. Now she'll go out to a concert or stay over night at a hotel outside of town but of course drinking has to play a big part in this. A regular weekend is pretty much just her waking up late, wanting to grab lunch a couple drinks, go back home with more drinks and watch tv until bed time. Now I don't mind this from time to time but I would like to squeeze in a day we go out hiking, visit a museum, hit up a small town we've ever been too. These would be very difficult for her to do and would most certainly require drinks throughout. I'm just question whether this is a good idea for me in regards to my next chapter. She also doesn't seem to have the motivation to keep her place in order. Dishes are never done, dog hair is everywhere, there's never a clean towel in the bathroom, laundry is overflowing. I assume if we were to get married and live together these chores would be mine to do if I wanted them done.

Any advice on this situation? 

[Foxhall]

Personally I like a lady to keep herself in shape and look after her health and to keep herself in shape both mentally and physically,

I think you need to open the subject - mention that her lifestyle is not compatible with the life you want to lead and the activities you wish to enjoy,

on the basis you mention that the two of you have a lot of chemistry- that is not necessarily easy to find- so on that basis it may be worth a try at salvaging the relationship,

but she has to lead a more healthier lifestyle or else it does not work for you,

see is she open to changing her lifestyle gradually and being more receptive to doing some of the things you mention,

not being afraid to say things and getting things off the chest and seeing can you develop an understanding - good communication- seems the best plan and see can a compromise be reached.

[Els]

Have you stopped your own excessive drinking yet?

In a way, I get what you mean. Especially at your age, I think a partner who overindulges in alcohol and drugs would be a dealbreaker for many people. So, it's understandable that she's not the right person for you. But you can't expect to change her when both of your excessive drinking was how you met and got together to begin with.

So, if you can't accept it, then leave. But you need to stop your own excessive drinking as well, and stop making that the "centerpiece" of your activities with women, if you don't want to date big drinkers. Otherwise you'll just keep meeting people like her.

[Goodpal]

Yes I did. I've cut way back. I'm not 100 percent sober, I do enjoy a few beers on a Friday night. But yes it is no longer excessive and never during the week. 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Goodpal said:

Yes I did. I've cut way back. I'm not 100 percent sober, I do enjoy a few beers on a Friday night. But yes it is no longer excessive and never during the week. 

Were you and she a match in terms of drinking when you got together?  

[Goodpal]

Sort of, I would really pound them down on Friday and Saturday but because of work I had to pull back on the weekdays. In the beginning I was still having 2 to 3 drinks per evening but now it's 0 Mon through Thursday, And I top off at 3 or 4 on the weekends.

[Miss Chrysalis]

What does she say when you talk about these issues with her? Does she want to change? How old is she?

[Goodpal]

We're both pushing 50. I've brought it up a lot. It just starts arguments. She even gets irritated at times now that I've cut down. I don't mention it much anymore. I really don't have the energy or desire to try and change someone's habits. Seems easier to start from scratch. I think the drinking and weed is directly affecting her health and energy levels. She's always complaining about feeling sick and never wants to go anywhere. 

[Miss Chrysalis]

5 minutes ago, Goodpal said:

I think the drinking and weed is directly affecting her health and energy levels. 

 

It definitely is! 

[Goodpal]

I think I know my answer, just got to do it and stick with it. It'll be tough since we've been so close for so long.

[Will am I]

You should be able to have an honest conversation about wanting to move forward (because your relationship has a lot going for it) but feeling held back by the drinking and drug use. 

The message you are bringing is at its core a positive message: you want more of her and more of the relationship. That's not a message of judgement or condemnation, it's a message of love and care.

Vocalizing this will pivot her position on the alcohol and drugs. Either she wants to grow in the relationship too, or she's stuck in the old habits.