Gebidozo Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 (edited) 2 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: If you are going to tell my brother "when we have kids", while stone cold sober, tell me you talked to your doctor about your health regarding kids, tell me to "make me mom" - I am going to assume we are long term partners; unless she was lying about her intentions. She wasn’t “lying”, she was just saying crazy stuff that should’ve alarmed you and made you realize you were dealing with an immature person. Instead, you took it dead seriously and tried to “work” with her. And you still seem to be taking this way too seriously and overanalyze it. Yes, that was a relationship, but a very short one. In the total course of your life, it will have meant very little. You’re dwelling on it too much. Edited February 4 by Gebidozo Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 2 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: I know everyone tells me I dodged a bullet. From her perspective though, she feels like she dodged a bullet. I am trying to work and understand it wasn’t all my fault because I keep getting back to this statement. In every break up, there's one person's view vs the other persons view vs the truth. When relationships end, it's normal for it to end end with both parties feeling as though they were mistreated or misunderstood or that the other side didn't try hard enough. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 5 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: I know everyone tells me I dodged a bullet. From her perspective though, she feels like she dodged a bullet. I am trying to work and understand it wasn’t all my fault because I keep getting back to this statement. If I was more secure and trusting, we would have stayed together and my hope is that through time we would done better. However, this is all contingent on the fact that she was willing to do the work of the relationship. My friends tell me “she wanted her cake and wanted to eat it too”. She really did show me an huge amount of love and I did return it in kind. I have to recognize there is someone better for me out there. She wasn’t doing things to earn your trust - hence she wasn’t trustworthy. work on your boundary and know when someone crosses your boundaries dark - and when to end it for YOUR best interest. if she wasn’t doing all those things - you would have been able to trust her - but she wasn’t. it’s ok to let someone know that what they are doing or the way they are treating you is unacceptable. When they are doing that - your brain should be thinking “if they don’t intend to change - then I need to leave this relationship” Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 13 hours ago, Gebidozo said: She wasn’t “lying”, she was just saying crazy stuff that should’ve alarmed you and made you realize you were dealing with an immature person. Instead, you took it dead seriously and tried to “work” with her. And you still seem to be taking this way too seriously and overanalyze it. Yes, that was a relationship, but a very short one. In the total course of your life, it will have meant very little. You’re dwelling on it too much. I think it just activated something in me. The lovebombing and all this talk of the future was like doing hard drugs. I was on cloud nine. I am taking it seriously as I want to grow as a person. You're absolutely right that in the total course, it will mean little. I think it has reactivated an abandonment trauma that I never properly healed through and those feelings of "why am I not good enough" or the fear that people will leave me was triggered. This is the core of my angst. I should have read the signs that she was pulling away and acted accordingly, however, I became anxious and my fears started to pour out. She is not responsible to soothe me or work with me through these; I recognize that. However, I was under the understanding she was in it for the long haul. I see now that she never loved me the way she said she did. I am dwelling on it because I will be seeing her everyday for 3 months starting in March. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xelmnathar Posted February 4 Author Share Posted February 4 9 hours ago, S2B said: She wasn’t doing things to earn your trust - hence she wasn’t trustworthy. work on your boundary and know when someone crosses your boundaries dark - and when to end it for YOUR best interest. if she wasn’t doing all those things - you would have been able to trust her - but she wasn’t. it’s ok to let someone know that what they are doing or the way they are treating you is unacceptable. When they are doing that - your brain should be thinking “if they don’t intend to change - then I need to leave this relationship” From her perspective, the way I was treating her was unacceptable. She probably felt I was unjustified in my feelings and she did not like the insecure comments I was making. I didn't know the degree to which it hurt her and she was just more willing to walk away than I was. I will never know the truth or if she meant what she said, if she did and realized it was too much of an expectation, if she felt that I needed her and she didn't want someone co-dependent (I gaslit myself into thinking I was). In truth she showed signs she was emotionally detached and I ignored the signs. However, I am not a mind reader and I can't do anything if the other doesn't say anything. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 4 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: I didn't know the degree to which it hurt her There was nothing hurtful in your words. It's more likely she felt annoyed. Or felt controlled. Or felt nagged. Or didn't want to deal with the amount of emotional reassurance you needed. Or simply couldn't be bothered anymore Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 Do some counseling for your own issues you mentioned. Also address why you became so so attached to someone in 4 short months. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted February 5 Share Posted February 5 10 hours ago, Xelmnathar said: However, I was under the understanding she was in it for the long haul. Nobody can be under such an understanding after only 4 months. No amount of pretty words and promises can guarantee that the person is in for the long haul. Only time can give you some reassurances. And by “time”, I mean years. And even then, there are never any 100% guarantees. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.