Dating an Older Man for 2 Years, Not Sure Where It's Heading

[Be Okay]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He has a pattern and it looks like it's repeating itself. If living with someone all of a sudden scares him, are you open to another type of living arangement? 

I know a couple that each have their house 1.5 hr apart. They rotate and spend a week at each other's house. It's practical they both can work from home the week they're away.

I know another couple with children from past spouses, they bought a duplex so they each have their home side by side.

If none of this is an option l want to tell you that 46 is young!! I am 59, l fell madly in love at 50, and fell in love again at 57! There is no age to find love and it's amazing no matter our age! 

Indeed, it does appear that maybe he has a pattern that's repeating itself. Seems odd that he's 62 years old, somewhat recently been engaged twice, yet has only lived very briefly with a woman over 30 years ago. 

I'd absolutely be open to taking turns living at each other's place for a week at a time. I really doubt he'd be open to this. My condo doesn't exactly accommodate a situation like this, but if you truly love someone, maybe you still just make it work? I live in a more metro area, which is where all my business occurs, while he lives in a much more rural area with a LOT of traffic to be had getting there. However, maybe this is a way to test our compatibility and find out if he's serious about our future. If he says no or it simply doesn't work out, then I naturally have my answer. 

You stated that: "I know another couple with children from past spouses, they bought a duplex so they each have their home side by side." --This is so cool! What an awesome thing to do not only for their children, but each other. Love this.

You also said: "If none of this is an option l want to tell you that 46 is young!! I am 59, l fell madly in love at 50, and fell in love again at 57! There is no age to find love and it's amazing no matter our age! --Thanks for saying this, I really needed to hear it. I've been a little insecure about my age lately. I'm so happy for you, falling in love 2 separate times in your 50s! This gives me a lot of hope for the future. I often times worry about my BF being 16 years older than me. I've already noticed signs of him slowing down significantly. There's obviously no guarantee that I'd automatically outlive him, but there's a good chance I would. This certainly weighs on my mind in addition to all the other challenges we're currently facing. 

 

Edited January 10 by Be Okay
Grammatical errors

[Be Okay]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

You told him about YOUR needs to be happy within a relationship. He agrees but doesn’t change it. That’s disrespectful to mislead you… knowing he doesn’t intend to change things.

if he wanted to he would make more effort to be sure you are happy.

but he doesn’t.

i think you are more invested than he is. If you want more from a relationship start dating other men. See if you can find someone compatible that’s willing to adjust for your well being.

side note - that’s pretty messed up that he made you travel every time to see him while you were injured!! That’s shows he is very selfish and self centered!

he may work in recovery…. So what - if he cared about your feelings he would make a LOT more effort to be sure you’re happy. Lots of people work super busy/demanding jobs and still travel every week to see someone they love.

was he ever married? If so, why did it end?

I agree with everything you said. It's pretty obvious that he doesn't care about me as much as I do him if he's allowing me to do all the heavy lifting by traveling to him every time. I own a seasonal business and I'm crazy busy in the spring/summer, yet always come to him on the weekends. Writing all of this out is making me realize how stupid I've been to accept this type of treatment. 

He was married over 30 years ago when he was an addict. They were married for less than a year.  

[Be Okay]

11 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He's perfectly happy, because everything's his way. He's settled in comfortably and doesn't see a need to put in much effort because you're no longer a prospect, you're now a customer, and the service and attention disappears unless there's a warranty issue. Being taken for granted is definitely a warranty issue, so bring it up. Make a stand and refuse to drive to his place more than twice a month, and see how that pans out. Maybe date other people as well, because you're not ready to end it yet, but you will be sooner or later when you get sick of pandering to his lack of investment. 

Thanks for writing this, MsJayne -- What a clever analogy, love it! Clearly, there is a "warranty issue," LOL. I'm feeling strong enough to implement only traveling to see him twice a month. A few months ago, I would've never dreamed about dating other people. Now, it's sadly something I've thought about. A couple months ago, I asked him if he'd be okay with me joining meetup groups (co-ed groups who meet-up for like-minded activities in your area, i.e. hiking, painting classes, walking groups, etc.) in order to fulfill some of the time we spend apart. This definitely got his attention, and as expected, he upped his game for a bit. But things quickly just went back to normal. I never did ultimately pursue this. I have friends, but they're married with kids and getting together needs to be planned out way in advance. 

Even though I'm not entirely ready to break things off, at this point, I'd be open to dating others. Would you recommend telling him that I'm doing this?    

[Be Okay]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't think going straight to dating other men is a good idea. This is a 2 year relationship, not 2 months. She is in love, she has attached a lot of hope and dreams in this man. If there is no resolution she needs to break up, mourn the relationship, let go of the past, then go back to dating.

OP,  you know what you have to do, you're here to talk it out and confirm it to yourself. Just the fact you broke up twice in 2 years is enough to confirm this is not working. 

Just reading this now, after replying to MsJayne. I can see how dating others while still being in this relationship could really complicate things on my end and F with my mind. 

I'm so grateful to actually be talking this through with all of you. It's helping a lot already. Indeed, breaking up twice already in such a short amount of time is not a good sign. I do know what I need to do, it's just hard facing that reality. It's a lot easier to breakup with someone when they're abusing you in some way or doing something that is inherently bad. At the surface, he treats me well, is kind/loving, builds me up, etc. He's very good at telling me what I want to hear, but clearly doesn't follow through with his words.

Ugh. I really thought he could be my forever person, the thought of going through a breakup with him hurts my heart so bad. But I do realize this is the only way I'll ultimately feel better.

[Gaeta]

Here is something you can try. Men are problem solvers and fixers. So far I am sure you are the only one who proposed solutions to your problem. It's like 'telling' a man what to do, it does not work. I would word it this way (take my French accent out of the phrasing lol). Honey, I feel often lonely and disconnected in our relationship because of the little time we spend together. Would you please find a solution so I don't feel so disconnected. 

Notice in my wording there is no you don't spend enough time with me, you don't travel here, you....etc. Only a you when you ask him to find a solution. 

[Be Okay]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

We were about your age when I met my now husband. It was not easy, working and maintaining a house, and he was raising a son. It was exhausting - going back and forth between homes. We did it for three years before he asked me to move in. He says now, it was either that or we separated. He later asked me to marry him - it was always him who was pushing the relationship forward. That said, it felt like we took our time and we were not together as much as we would have liked because of his son. 

He has a friend who is the same age as your boyfriend - he is very content to live in his own home, he visits with his lady friend one or two weekends a month. They meet for dinner once a week. And they travel together once or twice a year. My partner says, it works for him but it would not be for me. She is not happy with the schedule (as we understand it - she has asked for more), but she is resigned. 

On the other hand, my Dad was his age when he started a new relationship after my mom’s passing. He literally couldn’t move her into the house fast enough…

Thanks for sharing this, BaileyB -- I'm sure having a child in the mix adds to the complexity of the situation. It certainly is not easy with careers, houses, distance, etc. You mentioned doing this for three years before ultimately moving in together. Were there times leading up to this where you wanted to throw in the towel? How often did you see each other during this time?  

Everyone's relationship requirements are different, that's for sure. I guess, at the end of the day, there needs to be an end goal and both people need to be on the same page. My BF has a really unique way of keeping me on the hook. He's never come out and said that he doesn't want to live together. He says that he wants to marry me one day and knows that our living situation has to eventually change. However, that's where the conversation always ends. He's not able to articulate specific steps in making that happen. I'm getting to the point where it feels like this is all my idea and he could eventually just give-in, in order to preserve the relationship. This isn't how I want it to go. You said that your BF/Fiancé was the one who was always pushing the relationship forward. This is what I want. Ultimately, I just wish we could spend more time together before moving in together in order to make sure we're completely compatible.   

[Be Okay]

2 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

Aww, this is sad :(.  It really does just sound like you've discovered you're not compatible long term.  I would welcome the level of contact he's providing, but I'm kindof a weirdo like that! Most humans do require more time together with their beloved! 

Big hugs...this has to be hard.   

Thanks for being so sweet, Miss Chrysalis ❤️ -- There definitely are people out there who would welcome this amount of time spent together, and that's perfectly okay! I've told my BF this. Told him that maybe he needs to be with someone who requires less attention/time spent together. I'd like to think that I'm being reasonable in my request for time, especially since I've been with men who have been way too needy and smothered me. I've also been with men who match my level of need, it feels good and there's no push/pull.  

[Be Okay]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Then you leave for good. You have done everything you could possible. He's not willing to change so what are you sticking around for? 

This is ultimately what I need to do. Came to this forum to kind of reassure myself that I'm making the right decision. 

[Be Okay]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Here is something you can try. Men are problem solvers and fixers. So far I am sure you are the only one who proposed solutions to your problem. It's like 'telling' a man what to do, it does not work. I would word it this way (take my French accent out of the phrasing lol). Honey, I feel often lonely and disconnected in our relationship because of the little time we spend together. Would you please find a solution so I don't feel so disconnected. 

Notice in my wording there is no you don't spend enough time with me, you don't travel here, you....etc. Only a you when you ask him to find a solution. 

I really appreciate this (and love your French accent)! I do believe less is more at this point. Just wrote this down in my notebook. 

[ShyViolet]

The bottom line is that if he wanted to, he would.  If he wanted to spend more time with you, he would.  You've already tried everything to make that happen.  You've tried breaking up with him, talking to him about it, but nothing changes.  You can't change another person and you can't make them want something that they do not want.

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Even though I'm not entirely ready to break things off, at this point, I'd be open to dating others. Would you recommend telling him that I'm doing this?    

I’m normally an advocate of honesty in relationships, but I also believe that people  who dither about making the full commitment aren’t necessarily “in” a relationship, they hover on the edge of it trying to make their mind up and expect the other person to be OK with that, so you owe them nothing. You have no obligation to tell him about other areas of your life so I’d keep it quiet unless you meet someone who you see a potential future with. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Even though I'm not entirely ready to break things off, at this point, I'd be open to dating others. Would you recommend telling him that I'm doing this?    

Are you really sure about this?   It's just that you sound far too nice to be a cheater 

While I wouldn't have  a great lot of sympathy for your partner, any man dating you in good faith deserves far better than this.  Do the right thing: tidy up your own life and then start dating

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Be Okay said:

Even though I'm not entirely ready to break things off, at this point, I'd be open to dating others. Would you recommend telling him that I'm doing this?

If you and him are exclusive, absolutely. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Live with integrity. 

[Els]

A 50-minute drive, and he made the drive 3 times in 1 year?!? That's nearly as often as my husband (then boyfriend) visited me when we were a 12-hour plane flight apart....

Look, I'm not really sure what you're getting out of this. It's so imbalanced. Surely you can do better than having to drive every week to see a 62-yo man who won't return the favor?

I hate to say this, but there is no future with this person. He doesn't want to do anything for you. He doesn't want to care for you when you're injured. He doesn't want to visit you. And his ED will most certainly not get any better.

And even if he was an actual good boyfriend (which he isn't), I don't understand why you would sign up for marrying a 62-yo at your age. You realize you are going to end up being his caretaker if you stay with him, probably when you are only in your 50s? Women in general live 4+ healthy years more than men, so you have an effective 20 year discrepancy.

[Foxhall]

A man gets to enjoy being by himself also when he gets to a certain age,

no doubt he also craves company and someone special,

but only on a part time basis- " he is not able for it all" emotionally mainly,  and probably physically to a lesser extent, he needs a break from you; not meaning to sound that in a negative way towards you but simply that he needs a breather as was mentioned above.

He will miss you if you leave him but the best he will give you is a part-time basis,

unless his circumstances change and he needs you more,

maybe that part-time arrangement could be enough to sustain you both,

but hes getting the better deal.

 

 

[Be Okay]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

The bottom line is that if he wanted to, he would.  If he wanted to spend more time with you, he would.  You've already tried everything to make that happen.  You've tried breaking up with him, talking to him about it, but nothing changes.  You can't change another person and you can't make them want something that they do not want.

Hi ShiViolet -- Your note is so concise, but it really does sum everything up in a few sentences. Reading this is really all I need to know from an outside perspective. I think I keep hoping for a response that tells me to stick with him. I know I shouldn't and I'm realizing that I really need to move on. 

[Be Okay]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Are you really sure about this?   It's just that you sound far too nice to be a cheater 

While I wouldn't have  a great lot of sympathy for your partner, any man dating you in good faith deserves far better than this.  Do the right thing: tidy up your own life and then start dating

Good evening, basil67 -- I'd love to fast track the healing of my broken heart by skipping all the heart break and work that will need to be done in healing. Wish I could just immediately jump back into dating others without having to do all the hard work. However,  I do still love and respect him and realize that dating others without telling him would absolutely be the wrong thing to do. I should've never even considered this.

[Be Okay]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If you and him are exclusive, absolutely. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Live with integrity. 

I will. We are exclusive and I do owe it to him in letting him know where I'm heading. 

[Be Okay]

1 hour ago, Els said:

A 50-minute drive, and he made the drive 3 times in 1 year?!? That's nearly as often as my husband (then boyfriend) visited me when we were a 12-hour plane flight apart....

Look, I'm not really sure what you're getting out of this. It's so imbalanced. Surely you can do better than having to drive every week to see a 62-yo man who won't return the favor?

I hate to say this, but there is no future with this person. He doesn't want to do anything for you. He doesn't want to care for you when you're injured. He doesn't want to visit you. And his ED will most certainly not get any better.

And even if he was an actual good boyfriend (which he isn't), I don't understand why you would sign up for marrying a 62-yo at your age. You realize you are going to end up being his caretaker if you stay with him, probably when you are only in your 50s? Women in general live 4+ healthy years more than men, so you have an effective 20 year discrepancy.

Good evening, Els -- Thanks for taking the time to read through of all this and for your response. Reading everyone's thoughts and stories really is putting everything into perspective for me. Crazy to think that you're BF at the time who was a 12-hour plane flight away was coming to see you more than my local BF. I'm putting a stop to the travel required to see him, on his terms. In fact, I'm strongly considering breaking up with him before the end of the weekend. When I really step back and take a look at what I'm getting out of this, you're right, not much. On top of it all, he is much older, I would likely become his care giver sooner than later and his recent ED does worry me a little. Thanks for this sobering message, it's really helped me step back and take a more logical look at all of this. 

[Be Okay]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

No one should have to beg someone they are seeing to get together!

he just doesn’t prioritize it. And that tells you everything!

I would rather see you pursuing men who really make effort FOR YOU!

this guy isn’t making effort - and you deserve a man who makes all kinds of effort to make your life beautiful!

he’s not your guy.

You're so right! Getting together is ALWAYS on his terms. He's not prioritizing time spent together. Reading message like the one you just wrote is a God send and is really helping me see the light. I'm really feeling supported by all of you. Sadly, he's not my guy and I want to take steps in making my life beautiful again. 

[Be Okay]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

A man gets to enjoy being by himself also when he gets to a certain age,

no doubt he also craves company and someone special,

but only on a part time basis- " he is not able for it all" emotionally mainly,  and probably physically to a lesser extent, he needs a break from you; not meaning to sound that in a negative way towards you but simply that he needs a breather as was mentioned above.

He will miss you if you leave him but the best he will give you is a part-time basis,

unless his circumstances change and he needs you more,

maybe that part-time arrangement could be enough to sustain you both,

but hes getting the better deal.

 

 

Absolutely, men (and women) get to enjoy being by themselves when needed. It doesn't even need to be at a certain age. He's not a bad person for wanting this type of freedom. However, the part-time relationship is no longer working for me. I don't doubt him enjoying our time together, I know he does. I'm just realizing that he doesn't need as much time together as I do. I hope he misses me, we had a lot of great times together. I know I'll miss him a lot. I honestly don't see the circumstances changing. 

[Be Okay]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I’m normally an advocate of honesty in relationships, but I also believe that people  who dither about making the full commitment aren’t necessarily “in” a relationship, they hover on the edge of it trying to make their mind up and expect the other person to be OK with that, so you owe them nothing. You have no obligation to tell him about other areas of your life so I’d keep it quiet unless you meet someone who you see a potential future with. 

As tempting as this sounds, I think jumping back into dating before I'm fully healed would just end up hurting me more in the long run. Probably isn't really fair to the new person I'd be dating. I'd be crushed if my BF did the same to me, even if I knew I was coming up short on my end. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Be Okay said:

Crazy to think that you're BF at the time who was a 12-hour plane flight away was coming to see you more than my local BF.

Before I married my first husband, I used to drive 45min to visit him multiple times a week.  And commuting to work took an hour each way

This is why I suggest that he doesn't love you like you want him to

[Be Okay]

On 1/10/2025 at 8:16 PM, basil67 said:

Before I married my first husband, I used to drive 45min to visit him multiple times a week.  And commuting to work took an hour each way

This is why I suggest that he doesn't love you like you want him to

I get it. The more time I’ve taken to process all of this, the more I realize how messed up it is that he’s basically made no attempt to see me. 

[Be Okay]

23 hours ago, S2B said:

I agree that when any man really wants to see you he makes the effort.

even when YOU drive the distance to see him he doesn’t wine and dine you. And sex is insufficient now. So what is he offering besides someone to talk to?

real boyfriends take you OUT often and plan vacations with you. They shower you with time and attention and can’t wait to have you meet family and friends.

it’s an illusion of saying someone. He’s really not offered you a “boyfriend” experience. In my experience he falls way to short in many areas to consider continuing.

what gift did he give you for Christmas?

I’ve taken a lot of time this weekend to reflect on what he actually offers me. Other than taking me out to dinner once in a while, he doesn’t really offer any of the things you’ve listed above. The truth hurts and he’s not offering me  a “boyfriend” experience. He’s generous in the gifts he purchases for me, but gifts are definitely not my love language.