All of a sudden I am in a relationship, i'm scared and anxious, and not sure what to do next?

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

This happens frequently to be honest, and it's something I find a bit exhausting. 

Personally, I’d find this very exhausting. In fact, if this happened all the time I’d consider this a dealbreaker. I don’t think you’re being insensitive. And why should you apologize for saying you don’t care what desert to eat? She is giving you a guilt trip for absolutely nothing.

If this is happening when you’re in a LDR, imagine what will happen when you start seeing each other more often.

[firstrelationship10]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Personally, I’d find this very exhausting. In fact, if this happened all the time I’d consider this a dealbreaker. I don’t think you’re being insensitive. And why should you apologize for saying you don’t care what desert to eat? She is giving you a guilt trip for absolutely nothing.

If this is happening when you’re in a LDR, imagine what will happen when you start seeing each other more often.

Yes exactly right,

That was one of the reasons why I made this post and made me doubt my feelings towards her.

Other reasons was I feel that she is a little bit neurotic (but so am I, the difference is i try and hide it/not project it out loud)

For example;

Whilst we spent time together she would often point out negative things, for example i took her to a beautiful park and for the majority of the time we were there she kept speaking about how her skin was breaking out, and also how there was duck poop everywhere and some got on her shoes. It felt so draining towards me. To be fair, she did thank me afterward for taking me to the park and said she appreciated it.

So again, i'm not sure if i am being overly critical of her myself?

Or another time i took her to the beach to watch the sunset and she kept saying how she was getting sand in her shoes, or how i got sand on the towel, again, just that negative/critical energy was a bit tiring, but also again, she did appreciate it and said she liked taking pictures

im really not sure if im being too critical, am i expecting too much of her? to be more positive? 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

This is an example of one of the times - I am a very healthy eater, so i don't really eat many sweets/cakes. She is the opposite and has a sweet tooth. When we were out, we were getting dessert. She asked me what I wanted (as we approached the cake store), I told her i don't mind, She asked me again and i told her again i don't mind, she asked me a third time and i politely said 'i don't care get whatever you would like'  (i didn't raise my voice or anything)

First of all, one can have attitude without raising their voice and it does sound like you had attitude.   As for her, sometimes people cry with frustration.   Personally, I wouldn't have cried over this, but I would find it really annoying that you refused to make a decision over a simple question.  

Perhaps you're trying to be easy to please, but refusing to make a decision actually puts the work and decision on the others.   And you're losing an opportunity to make conversation.

For what it's worth, I'm not much of a dessert eater either, so I understand not getting excited over sweets. But there's usually something I will eat and so I make a decision.  If I don't want any of it, I'll say that I'm full, but would be happy to finish with a coffee or tea.   Either way make a decision for yourself!

[ShyViolet]

On 1/5/2025 at 8:48 PM, firstrelationship10 said:

My concern was more that biologically, it is more difficult for a women to get pregnant with age, and I fear that due to our distance and my feelings I am wasting her time and the opportunity for her to meet someone she would be more compatible with before she is faced with the difficulties that age has with getting pregnant.

From everything you've said in this thread you've made it clear that your feelings for her are lukewarm and you have doubts about this relationship.  So you are most definitely wasting her time.  If you are buying into this line of thinking about a woman's "biological clock" ticking, then that is all the more reason to stop wasting her time and give her the chance to meet someone else who would be a better match for her.

 

On 1/5/2025 at 6:25 PM, firstrelationship10 said:

Would you rather date an attractive abusive psychopath who you feel a great connection with , or someone who may not be so charismatic/attractive but they are a good person and treat you well? Get where I am coming from?

This is absolutely ridiculous.  You've created a false dichotomy here.  It is not a choice between either a person who's attractive and abusive, OR a person who you're not that attracted to but is a good person.

[firstrelationship10]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

First of all, one can have attitude without raising their voice and it does sound like you had attitude.   As for her, sometimes people cry with frustration.   Personally, I wouldn't have cried over this, but I would find it really annoying that you refused to make a decision over a simple question.  

Perhaps you're trying to be easy to please, but refusing to make a decision actually puts the work and decision on the others.   And you're losing an opportunity to make conversation.

For what it's worth, I'm not much of a dessert eater either, so I understand not getting excited over sweets. But there's usually something I will eat and so I make a decision.  If I don't want any of it, I'll say that I'm full, but would be happy to finish with a coffee or tea.   Either way make a decision for yourself!

Fair points, I'll be weary of making clearer decisions next time.

But that's the issue though - she did cry over this, and spent a very long time being quiet/sobbing over this, and me spending a lot of time trying to cheer her up, reassure her and comfort her.  The night was practically ruined. 

I just feel other people, such as yourself, wouldn't get so upset over this to the point the night is practically ruined. 

Am i asking too much ? 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

21 hours ago, firstrelationship10 said:

I'm not being sarcastic, but how do I even know if i love someone or not?

How do we know if we are in love?

If you're even saying this, then you don't love her.

Does she know that your feelings for her are lukewarm and you are unsure about this relationship?  I'm so curious to know how she would feel if she knew this.  Do you really think she would want to be with someone who admits that his feelings for her are not that strong?

[firstrelationship10]

31 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If you're even saying this, then you don't love her.

Does she know that your feelings for her are lukewarm and you are unsure about this relationship?  I'm so curious to know how she would feel if she knew this.  Do you really think she would want to be with someone who admits that his feelings for her are not that strong?

Do you think I should tell her how after recently hanging out with her, that my feelings are a bit unsure and see what she says?

[ShyViolet]

22 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Do you think I should tell her how after recently hanging out with her, that my feelings are a bit unsure and see what she says?

She has a right to know.  Let her decide if she wants to be in a relationship with someone who is not sure about her, or if she'd rather find someone else who has strong feelings for her.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Fair points, I'll be weary of making clearer decisions next time.

But that's the issue though - she did cry over this, and spent a very long time being quiet/sobbing over this, and me spending a lot of time trying to cheer her up, reassure her and comfort her.  The night was practically ruined. 

I just feel other people, such as yourself, wouldn't get so upset over this to the point the night is practically ruined. 

Am i asking too much ? 

No, I wouldn't cry on the night.  But just like you're having second thoughts about her, I would have taken note of your unwillingness to make a decision and then getting snippy when pressed for an answer.   I think you both failed on this date

Edited January 7 by basil67

[firstrelationship10]

11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She has a right to know.  Let her decide if she wants to be in a relationship with someone who is not sure about her, or if she'd rather find someone else who has strong feelings for her.

ok thanks i will talk to her

[firstrelationship10]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, I wouldn't cry on the night.  But just like you're having second thoughts about her, I would have taken note of your unwillingness to make a decision and then getting snippy when pressed for an answer.   I think you both failed on this date

That's a fair point

Although in hindsight I didn't snap at her at all/wasn't snippy at all, you know when you snap at someone and get annoyed/angry and respond and have that feeling? I didn't have that feeling at all, i didn't even raise my voice nor did i say it in a 'snappy' way. I just politely told her i don't care and she can chose lol

[Ami1uwant]

56 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Do you think I should tell her how after recently hanging out with her, that my feelings are a bit unsure and see what she says?

I’ve skimmed over posts here….

 

as you said, living 3 hrs away and bern in a relationship for 18+ months?  My  rule on these is why haven’t one of you made an effort to try and live together? Unsure what careers you are in.

 

I get why it can be annoying if she’s being negative. Have you tried to ask why?  The thing on desert— women don’t want to look like pigs if try are the only ones eating.

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

That's a fair point

Although in hindsight I didn't snap at her at all/wasn't snippy at all, you know when you snap at someone and get annoyed/angry and respond and have that feeling? I didn't have that feeling at all, i didn't even raise my voice nor did i say it in a 'snappy' way. I just politely told her i don't care and she can chose lol

"I don't care, you choose" is still rude.  It's like you really don't give a s*** 

What happened on the other times she cried?  

Edited January 7 by basil67

[firstrelationship10]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

"I don't care, you choose" is still rude.  It's like you really don't give a s*** 

What happened on the other times she cried?  

I can definitely see how I came across that way, also keep in mind that once i knew she was upset, immediately asked her what was wrong? What did I say? and immediately apologised and tried my best to reassure her.

Another time she cried, something very similar happened. This will sound comical but bear with me. 

We spent the night watching the sunset. Afterwards, we decided to get dessert. I drove her to a shopping strip but most of the shops were closed. Knowing how much she loves desserts I googled trying to find a place. I eventually found a small cake/dessert place about 10 minutes away. On the way to the cake store, I felt that i really needed to go toilet (number two was calling). I told her this and hoped there was a toilet at the cake store.

We arrived at the cake store. Knowing what happened last time, when she asked me what I wanted I enthusiastically went through some options with her. However, I did tell her my stomach was feeling a bit funny and apologised that I'll probably eat some later. There was no toilet at the cake store so I had to hold it in.

She eventually ordered, we sat and waited. During that time she asked if she should get ice cream as well, I said it's up to her if she would like something extra. She then said we should go to McDonalds to get an ice cream. I hesitated (as by this stage i really had to go) and told her maybe we could go home first. I could see she started getting upset so I immediately said, Oh actually, maybe we can go to McDonalds and park as there is a toilet there. She agreed.

We got to McDonalds, and i ran inside to go toilet and just made it before I would of s*** myself. Once she got her ice cream we got back in the car and i realised she was quiet. Not again i was thinking  . I started asking her what was wrong and she wasn't talking. We got to my house ,after all that, with about $40's worth of cakes/desserts and all of a sudden she says "I don't feel like eating this anymore". In my head i was actually quite annoyed. I didn't show it though.

She started sobbing again, and saying how I wasn't enthusiastic about getting dessert with her, and that she feels judged when she gets dessert with me. I honestly was so confused and tried to explain to her, how I wasn't that enthusiastic because I was practically on the verge of shitting myself. She didn't really seem to care and then i spent the next 20 minutes sitting in the car with her, apologising, trying to comfort and reassure her whilst our desserts were melting. I told her that she can eat and do what she wants and it's ok and I don't feel judgemental towards her and I accept her etc etc.

Am I in the wrong here?

Edited January 7 by firstrelationship10

[basil67]

At any rate, I imagine she has an equal number of misgivings about seeing you again.   Just stick a pin in this and be done

[firstrelationship10]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

At any rate, I imagine she has an equal number of misgivings about seeing you again.   Just stick a pin in this and be done

Why such a rude response? 

She is already wanting to see me again and organize how next get together. 

[basil67]

43 minutes ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Why such a rude response? 

She is already wanting to see me again and organize how next get together. 

It's because simply can't imagine wanting to see someone again if they made me cry three times.    Have you told her that you're not really into her?   That might change her mind

[basil67]

But also, if you believe she cries for no reason and very frequently at that, why do you want to keep dating her?   Surely you can envisage a life of her bursting into tears if you say something ever so slightly wrong

[Acacia98]

On 1/7/2025 at 7:19 AM, firstrelationship10 said:

On the way to the cake store, I felt that i really needed to go toilet (number two was calling). I told her this and hoped there was a toilet at the cake store.

We arrived at the cake store. Knowing what happened last time, when she asked me what I wanted I enthusiastically went through some options with her. However, I did tell her my stomach was feeling a bit funny and apologised that I'll probably eat some later. There was no toilet at the cake store so I had to hold it in.

She eventually ordered, we sat and waited. During that time she asked if she should get ice cream as well, I said it's up to her if she would like something extra. She then said we should go to McDonalds to get an ice cream. I hesitated (as by this stage i really had to go) and told her maybe we could go home first. I could see she started getting upset so I immediately said, Oh actually, maybe we can go to McDonalds and park as there is a toilet there. She agreed.

We got to McDonalds, and i ran inside to go toilet and just made it before I would of s*** myself. Once she got her ice cream we got back in the car and i realised she was quiet. Not again i was thinking  . I started asking her what was wrong and she wasn't talking. We got to my house ,after all that, with about $40's worth of cakes/desserts and all of a sudden she says "I don't feel like eating this anymore". In my head i was actually quite annoyed. I didn't show it though.

She started sobbing again, and saying how I wasn't enthusiastic about getting dessert with her, and that she feels judged when she gets dessert with me.

So you were in physical discomfort/near distress and she couldn't being herself to empathize with you? Instead, she tried to manipulate you into feeling guilty for something that you didn't do? And then she put a pretty little bow on that nice gift by bursting into tears and sobbing continuously for a while? Look, I've been there. But there were a few differences. One was that I was a woman and the offended person was my boyfriend. The other was that he didn't burst into tears. Rather, he'd get angry or subject me to silent treatment. The end result: I always had to walk on eggshells around him. You seem to be headed in a similar direction.

I don't think you're in the wrong. If your girlfriend cares so little for your comfort that she can't prioritize your need to use the bathroom, then your relationship isn't so great. For me, this would be an absolute deal breaker. It doesn't matter if it only happens once in a while. This is someone whom you don't live with or see very often. So it's highly likely that you would see this behavior a lot if you actually lived with her full time or, at the very least, lived in the same town and saw each other twice a week.

You have my full blessing to end the relationship. Not just because she's otherwise a sweetheart and you're not in love with her but also because she really isn't treating you that great a significant chunk of the time.

 

[firstrelationship10]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

So you were in physical discomfort/near distress and she couldn't being herself to empathize with you? Instead, she tried to manipulate you into feeling guilty for something that you didn't do? And then she put a pretty little bow on that nice gift by bursting into tears and sobbing continuously for a while? Look, I've been there. But there were a few differences. One was that I was a woman and the offended person was my boyfriend. The other was that he didn't burst into tears. Rather, he'd get angry or subject me to silent treatment. The end result: I always had to walk on eggshells around him. You seem to be headed in a similar direction.

I don't think you're in the wrong. If your girlfriend cares so little for your comfort that she can't prioritize your need to use the bathroom, then your relationship isn't so great. For me, this would be an absolute deal breaker. It doesn't matter if it only happens once in a while. This is someone whom you don't live with or see very often. So it's highly likely that you would see this behavior a lot if you actually lived with her full time or, at the very least, lived in the same town and saw each other twice a week.

You have my full blessing to end the relationship. Not just because she's otherwise a sweetheart and you're not in love with her but also because she really isn't treating you that great a significant chunk of the time.

 

 

Thank you so much for contributing and sharing your experience.

It is true, whilst i was with her in person I did feel a bit like i was walking on eggshells around her. 

And in that example, I was the one apologising to her, trying to comfort and reassure but deep down I felt like i hadn't done anything wrong, and deep down I was actually very annoyed that she did not acknowledge the fact that I told her my stomach was upset and that I couldn't be enthusiastic because i needed to use the toilet.  I felt she was very harsh on me - however giving that she was staying at my house I decided to bite my tongue and not escalate things. 

I have  a lot of self doubt sometimes I wonder if i am being insensitive, or mean, or doing something wrong, or she is just too sensitive/not empathetic towards me.

This hasn't been the first time it has happened, there have been other times where I genuinely feel i have done nothing wrong to deserve her silent treatment/her getting upset at me, and i've had a perfectly reasonably / valid reason for whatever action i did that made her upset. It seems when she gets upset she never seems to look at the reason and i have to end up apologising/being the one taking total accountability. 

You know the weird thing is, I don't think she ever is trying to manipulate me when she gets silent/starts crying etc,  That's the funny part. I think it's just her way of processing things and she gets way too caught up in her emotions/feels sad emotions extremely strongly. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, firstrelationship10 said:

Thank you so much for contributing and sharing your experience.

It is true, whilst i was with her in person I did feel a bit like i was walking on eggshells around her. 

And in that example, I was the one apologising to her, trying to comfort and reassure but deep down I felt like i hadn't done anything wrong, and deep down I was actually very annoyed that she did not acknowledge the fact that I told her my stomach was upset and that I couldn't be enthusiastic because i needed to use the toilet.  I felt she was very harsh on me - however giving that she was staying at my house I decided to bite my tongue and not escalate things. 

I have  a lot of self doubt sometimes I wonder if i am being insensitive, or mean, or doing something wrong, or she is just too sensitive/not empathetic towards me.

This hasn't been the first time it has happened, there have been other times where I genuinely feel i have done nothing wrong to deserve her silent treatment/her getting upset at me, and i've had a perfectly reasonably / valid reason for whatever action i did that made her upset. It seems when she gets upset she never seems to look at the reason and i have to end up apologising/being the one taking total accountability. 

You know the weird thing is, I don't think she ever is trying to manipulate me when she gets silent/starts crying etc,  That's the funny part. I think it's just her way of processing things and she gets way too caught up in her emotions/feels sad emotions extremely strongly. 

The question is, if you're comfortable with your own decisions, why do you want to date her again?   Wouldn't you prefer someone who isn't going to have multiple breakdowns over such a small time together? 

[firstrelationship10]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

The question is, if you're comfortable with your own decisions, why do you want to date her again?   Wouldn't you prefer someone who isn't going to have multiple breakdowns over such a small time together? 

It's hard,

I guess i just always tried to view her sensitivity in a positive light, I guess it's like 2 sides to a coin, on one hand her sensitivity causes problems like that but on the other hand she is really conscious of being nice to others, and caring. I don't think i've ever heard her really say anything mean/insulting/racist etc to me or anyone else. get what i'm saying?

Edited January 9 by firstrelationship10

[Acacia98]

On 1/9/2025 at 7:05 AM, firstrelationship10 said:

I have  a lot of self doubt sometimes I wonder if i am being insensitive, or mean, or doing something wrong, or she is just too sensitive/not empathetic towards me.

This hasn't been the first time it has happened, there have been other times where I genuinely feel i have done nothing wrong to deserve her silent treatment/her getting upset at me, and i've had a perfectly reasonably / valid reason for whatever action i did that made her upset. It seems when she gets upset she never seems to look at the reason and i have to end up apologising/being the one taking total accountability. 

You know the weird thing is, I don't think she ever is trying to manipulate me when she gets silent/starts crying etc,  That's the funny part. I think it's just her way of processing things and she gets way too caught up in her emotions/feels sad emotions extremely strongly. 

You're welcome.

Rest assured, it doesn't get easier. The dynamic you describe, always having to be the one to apologize even when you haven't done something wrong, does a whole lot of damage. It ultimately becomes an emotionally abusive dynamic.

From your perspective, it shouldn't matter whether she's aware of what she's doing. Plenty of people have been emotionally or physically harmed by partners who are not self-aware or conscious of the impact of their actions.

And the self-doubt you find yourself describing likely pre-dates this relationship. Did you, by chance, grow up in a home where your feelings and opinions were devalued? It wouldn't hurt you to get some counselling to help you with that.

Whatever else you do, it's in your best interest to end this relationship. It's not a healthy relationship.

[basil67]

On 1/9/2025 at 5:25 PM, firstrelationship10 said:

It's hard,

I guess i just always tried to view her sensitivity in a positive light, I guess it's like 2 sides to a coin, on one hand her sensitivity causes problems like that but on the other hand she is really conscious of being nice to others, and caring. I don't think i've ever heard her really say anything mean/insulting/racist etc to me or anyone else. get what i'm saying?

This is not a degree of sensitivity to view with a positive light.  This is a woman who needs a vast amount of therapy if she is to have any chance of being a functional human.  We're talking about a woman who chose to continue hunting for dessert while knowing that you were about to crap yourself, and then fell into hysterics over it.    Her selfishness is breathtaking

Do you know know why she was single when you met her?  Because no self respecting man would put up with this 

 

Edited January 10 by basil67

[firstrelationship10]

21 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You're welcome.

Rest assured, it doesn't get easier. The dynamic you describe, always having to be the one to apologize even when you haven't done something wrong, does a whole lot of damage. It ultimately becomes an emotionally abusive dynamic.

From your perspective, it shouldn't matter whether she's aware of what she's doing. Plenty of people have been emotionally or physically harmed by partners who are not self-aware or conscious of the impact of their actions.

And the self-doubt you find yourself describing likely pre-dates this relationship. Did you, by chance, grow up in a home where your feelings and opinions were devalued? It wouldn't hurt you to get some counselling to help you with that.

Whatever else you do, it's in your best interest to end this relationship. It's not a healthy relationship.

 

Thanks,

Unfortunately it does seem a common theme for me, I seem to attract problematic people, well not so much problematic people, but people who can't seem to regulate their emotions, I often end up being a therapist to multiple people. I'm not sure how this happens. I'm even aware of it, but i seem to always fall into this dynamic. Not just in romantic things, but friendships as well. For example there is a 60 year old women at my work who will always message me/talk to me about her problems, how someone she knows died, or she is sad because someone is sick, or some other negative thing. As I get older, my patience for people like this is deteriorating. Life is short ,I don't want to spend it around negative people. Does that make me a bad person ? Seriously? I don't know. My mother and my sister are also like this, always seem to have stresses/problems they vent about. I guess all my life i've just learnt to always listen and accommodate to people like this, emphasize, comfort, reassure. Ha, I'm like a therapist but don't get paid. 

This is a good example, today is Saturday I'm enjoying my day off from work, getting some sun, My girlfriend calls me, i talk to her, after talking for a bit she will start telling me about how she had a fight with her friend, and how also her mother is bothering her, I emphasize with her etc but honestly deep down i felt like just getting off the phone, life is too short for this negativity? Does that mean i don't have empathy anymore? 

I just don't seem to have the energy anymore to deal with people like this my girlfriend included, it's like an internal switch has flicked, sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading if anyoen ends up reading this.