How to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame?

[NuevoYorko]

On 1/8/2025 at 8:58 AM, Runninggirl said:

 

A third party accidentally revealed this on NYE, because she wasn't really in on this and didnt know who I was and said things in front of me before they could stop her. 

 

It's interesting that you seem to have a LOT of random outsiders involved in what happens with your romantic relationships.   In another thread of yours that I posted in, you found out about past cheating because you were following two girls down a street and you heard them talking about it.

Why are all these other people involved in your business?  

I agree that you would be well advised to stop trying to date for a while, and hopefully get some things sorted out.   Your dating life going better will start with you making some changes within yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why are all these other people involved in your business?  

I was wondering the same thing. 

I've never had so many random third parties involved in my love life. 

[Runninggirl]

Hey. Thanks for caring.

Its not random third parties. I live in a very small place, only about 30 000 inhabitant in my town. In this situation it wasn't a random third party. It was my colleague and someone I assumed was my friend who knew I was dating this guy and had also met him. So when she heard about her friend, she told me, but they are closer. And she told her entire friend group who then went on to butt in. I didnt ask for this.

Someone else now told me he's back on tinder, which he hasn't had since we met. So I guess it didnt work out between them.

I would love to not date anyone, but I feel the pressure of time because of my age if I want kids. I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone and "when am I gonna find someone", that I have too high standards etc. Hate it.

[NuevoYorko]

Sorry, this is blunt, but you are not getting any closer to marriage and children by following the same pattern that you seem to always follow with men.  

Learn how to deflect what your family says about it, it's not their business.  If you want suggestions about how to get them off your back I'm sure many of us have ideas for you.

In any case, you are not being honest with yourself when you put your dating habits on your family and friends and their expectations.  YOU are responsible for YOURSELF.

From your threads it seems very clear that you have some issues that are standing in your way of having a healthy relationship right now.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to be honest and stop telling yourself remarkable stories about what's going on with these guys,  and then be honest also with a therapist.   

Things really can get much much better.  I promise.  But YOU will have to face some things and do work.   If you keep repeating the same unsuccessful patterns over and over again, not only will the results not change, but you will be getting better and better at repeating the same patterns.

You need to break them and you need help to do that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone and "when am I gonna find someone", that I have too high standards etc. Hate it.

Daily?  Surely this is an exaggeration!   But even if it's once a month, stop talking to them about your dating.  And if they won't stop asking tell them "Kindly, stick your opinion up your arse. My dating is none of your business".    

Get some boundaries in place

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone and "when am I gonna find someone", that I have too high standards etc.

Please stop talking to them about your love life. If they still continue to give you unwanted advice, gather all those family members, friends, and colleagues in one room. Then smile at them and say this:

”Dear family, friends, and colleagues. I’m very grateful that you’re all so concerned of my love life that you see it as your duty to remind me as frequently as you can how hopeless I am. [smile wider, dripping with sarcasm] While I appreciate your attempt to boost my confidence with these kind words, I’d like to remind you that [yell as loudly as you can] my love life is none of your freakin’ business!! So, kindly butt out!! I’m going to block and cease communication with the next person that’s going to try to emotionally pressure and abuse me by telling me that I’m hopeless. Have a nice day!”

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

ts not random third parties. I live in a very small place, only about 30 000 inhabitant in my town. In this situation it wasn't a random third party. It was my colleague and someone I assumed was my friend who knew I was dating this guy and had also met him. So when she heard about her friend, she told me, but they are closer. And she told her entire friend group who then went on to butt in. I didnt ask for this.

Someone else now told me he's back on tinder, which he hasn't had since we met. So I guess it didnt work out between them.

 

OK.  Not "random" 3rd parties.  But numerous 3rd parties, including all your family members and friends.  

It doesn't matter how many people live in your city.   

They're all important players (to you) in your personal life.  This is not appropriate or healthy.

 

[basil67]

I just refreshed myself on your previous thread,  the one where you rejected so much constructive advice and went headfirst into being passionate and over thinking about a man who clearly wasn't that into you.   

Do not avoid self blame when it's warranted.   The same with rejections.    Self blame is really useful when figuring out what we're doing wrong and looking for a smarter, way forwards;  The pain of our feelings helps us to reflect on our previous decisions and actions and recognise that we were stuffing things up.   

Honestly, you made so many bad decisions in that thread and if you weren't self blaming, there would be something wrong with you.   Same with rejection.  It's the feeling of rejection which teaches us to make better decision.

Personal growth does not come without inner pain

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I live in a very small place, only about 30 000 inhabitant in my town.

I come from an even smaller town - 28 000. 

I have still never had this many outside influences involved in my love life. You are part of your own problem. You can avoid having that many people in your personal business if you want to.

13 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I also almost gets comments daily from family, friends and colleagues that Im so hopeless that I haven't found anyone

Sorry, butI am going to call BS on this. You get daily comments from friends, family and coworkers that you are hopeless? Yeah, not buying that. 

[Runninggirl]

16 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Sorry, this is blunt, but you are not getting any closer to marriage and children by following the same pattern that you seem to always follow with men.  

Learn how to deflect what your family says about it, it's not their business.  If you want suggestions about how to get them off your back I'm sure many of us have ideas for you.

In any case, you are not being honest with yourself when you put your dating habits on your family and friends and their expectations.  YOU are responsible for YOURSELF.

From your threads it seems very clear that you have some issues that are standing in your way of having a healthy relationship right now.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to be honest and stop telling yourself remarkable stories about what's going on with these guys,  and then be honest also with a therapist.   

Things really can get much much better.  I promise.  But YOU will have to face some things and do work.   If you keep repeating the same unsuccessful patterns over and over again, not only will the results not change, but you will be getting better and better at repeating the same patterns.

You need to break them and you need help to do that.

Absolutely, but not really sure how to move forward and why its not working. Everyone has some issues. Im definitely attracted to the "wrong" men, and probably seem more approachable and open to those men, than other guys. Which makes only the "wrong" ones come in contact with me. Im just not sure how to change that. also I wouldn't say its obvious from the start, it only shows up after a little while. 

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Daily?  Surely this is an exaggeration!   But even if it's once a month, stop talking to them about your dating.  And if they won't stop asking tell them "Kindly, stick your opinion up your arse. My dating is none of your business".    

Get some boundaries in place

I usually dont say anything, just look at them without a word, change the subject, or walk off without a word. 

11 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Please stop talking to them about your love life. If they still continue to give you unwanted advice, gather all those family members, friends, and colleagues in one room. Then smile at them and say this:

”Dear family, friends, and colleagues. I’m very grateful that you’re all so concerned of my love life that you see it as your duty to remind me as frequently as you can how hopeless I am. [smile wider, dripping with sarcasm] While I appreciate your attempt to boost my confidence with these kind words, I’d like to remind you that [yell as loudly as you can] my love life is none of your freakin’ business!! So, kindly butt out!! I’m going to block and cease communication with the next person that’s going to try to emotionally pressure and abuse me by telling me that I’m hopeless. Have a nice day!”

Im not bringing it up, believe me. I think its because I never talk to anyone about my love life, they think its completely dead and they want me to meet someone. I just dont think its anybody business. My workplace for instance is VERY focused on the single peoples love life, its expected to entertain the rest with stories from dating, hooking up etc. Its not my thing, so Ive never told a single story. I hear it all the time "you should be more like x, you're gonna end up like a cat lady, can't you just lower your expectations" etc. 

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

OK.  Not "random" 3rd parties.  But numerous 3rd parties, including all your family members and friends.  

It doesn't matter how many people live in your city.   

They're all important players (to you) in your personal life.  This is not appropriate or healthy.

 

Well. The one who told me wasn't random, so to me the rest are random third parties, but they're not random as they're her ( and this other girls friend).

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I come from an even smaller town - 28 000. 

I have still never had this many outside influences involved in my love life. You are part of your own problem. You can avoid having that many people in your personal business if you want to.

Sorry, butI am going to call BS on this. You get daily comments from friends, family and coworkers that you are hopeless? Yeah, not buying that. 

Its only happened twice that Ive heard anyone say anything about someone I was dating, so its not as crazy coincidence. 

You dont have to believe that its a daily think, but it is. Pretty much every single day someone (most of the time colleagues, family and friend less) comments on my love life. 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 

Im not bringing it up, believe me. I think its because I never talk to anyone about my love life, they think its completely dead and they want me to meet someone. I just dont think its anybody business. My workplace for instance is VERY focused on the single peoples love life, its expected to entertain the rest with stories from dating, hooking up etc. Its not my thing, so Ive never told a single story. 

Oh, come on.  You already told us that a GROUP of "friends" from work ganged up on you and PLOTTED AGAINST YOU (your words).   This never ever could have happened if you didn't share about your love life.   

You've shared other stories about people being involved in your dating life as well.   It's very notable and unusual.  

Ok, perfectly frank and blunt here:  I think you have a propensity for exaggeration and embellishment in order to get the reactions you want from your stories.   I fear that you kind of do this to yourself, inside your own head.  So, you end up not really dealing with things as they really are, but rather you're responding to the narrative you're creating about them.  

This is what I think you could work on with a therapist - if you were willing to actually get to the bottom of it.  And then, you'd be much more prepared to function well in a relationship.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

You dont have to believe that its a daily think, but it is. Pretty much every single day someone (most of the time colleagues, family and friend less) comments on my love life. 

You said you get daily comments that you are "hopeless."

That is what I don't believe. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Ok, perfectly frank and blunt here:  I think you have a propensity for exaggeration and embellishment in order to get the reactions you want from your stories.   I fear that you kind of do this to yourself, inside your own head.

That is exactly what I am seeing too. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im not bringing it up, believe me. I think its because I never talk to anyone about my love life, they think its completely dead and they want me to meet someone. I just dont think its anybody business. My workplace for instance is VERY focused on the single peoples love life, its expected to entertain the rest with stories from dating, hooking up etc. Its not my thing, so Ive never told a single story. I hear it all the time "you should be more like x, you're gonna end up like a cat lady, can't you just lower your expectations" etc. 

If this is literally true at your workplace, it's harassment.  You need to take it to HR.  Or find a new job. 

If your family and friends are all toxic like this, move to a big town with more options.

There's no sense in complaining if you're not going to do anything about it. 

Edited Sunday at 08:58 PM by basil67