How to let go of the feeling of rejection and self blame?

[Runninggirl]

Short backstory: Was asked out late October, right after my previous dating experience failed. I was skeptical , but gave it a chance. We met for lunch, which was nice, he texted me after saying he had a great time and would like to meet again. We met quite frequently after the next few weeks. I had a lot of advices from this forum in the back of my head, like meeting somewhere out, not going home with them right away etc. We had four dates out before I agreed to come to his place. On the sixth time we were intimate. He texted me every day after, and I even started sleeping over at his place in the middle of the week before work. I felt like things were going pretty fast, but everything felt natural and finally something going right?

I think we had been seeing each other for about 7 weeks before Christmas. I was away for the weekend, but we texted all the time and we saw each other two night before I left. He texted me in Saturday, everything was normal until Sunday morning. the days after I got home he seemed distraught and blamed work when I asked if something was wrong. I had a bad gut feeling. 
two days later a friend of mine confessed that a close friend of hers had gone home with him from the bar that weekend, and that they also met sober two days later and that he claimed he was so in love, he had never met someone like her before etc.

i was devastated, because I always feel like they choose someone else out of nowhere. Everything was GREAT before I left, and changed over night. She told me this girl slept with him a few days after, and like clockwork he started texting me again after. I didn’t respond for a few days. He kept sending me messages, I only replied short and sometimes. Waiting to cool down to see if I would confront him. 

Our mutual friend then told the other girl, who was shocked and angry, but said she had felt something was up.

after that I stopped hearing from him completely, and I guess she confronted him and he probably lied and then stopped contacting me. I think they’re still seeing each other. My friend said she’s very very smitten. 
 

I know this guy is trash. All the things he had said to this girl he had said to me. He claimed he had never met someone he had so much chemistry with, and he even send those types of messages after he met this other girl. I’m not missing out.

but STILL I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of rejecting, and the little hurt from the other girl getting my private story from someone else and talking to him about it behind my back, and still choosing him. I know she owes me nothing, but I feel betrayed a little by both. She was told how serious it was, and still seemed to continue it hoping it would work out for her?

and second, I guess he’s mad she found out which is why he stopped texting me. But he got caught in what he was doing, which is his fault. Why do I STILL feel guilty, like I did something wrong?? I don’t have anything to feel guilty about? I didn’t sabotage for his changes with the other girl, he happened to hook up with someone who had a mutual friend with me. I didn’t ask her to say anything.

i hate the feeling that I feel like everyone now sees me as the jealous, hurt, third person. The whole experience was humiliating.

Advice?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a little confused - were you two exclusively dating? 

I get why you are disappointed and feel hurt. I'm just trying to understand where things were between you and him, and if either of you had talked about becoming more serious with each other. 

[NuevoYorko]

Well that's unfortunate.   I'm sorry you went through a hurtful experience.  There's no "blame" involved, so please just shut that down.  Of course you feel rejection.   That is perfectly normal under these circumstances.

I also would like to know whether you two had agreed on being exclusive or not.  And also what it was like when you were together.   

I'm sorry but I always get the impression that you are pretty desperate to get into a relationship and you will jump into things.   

What were the things that bonded you together with him; that made you "know" that he was a good candidate for you to give this much of yourself to?   

You definitely have things you can learn from this if you're willing to look at it very honestly and in a detached way.  Maybe this is not the time for that?

[Calmandfocused]

Oh RG! I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m so sorry you feel so bad. It’s an awful situation. However let’s put this into perspective: 

This guy has shown who is really is: a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, who has no moral compass, is emotionally inept, and who likes to sleep around. Not exactly sounding like the catch of the century is he? 
 

In my view whether you had the exclusivity talk or not is irrelevant. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and behaved  like a duck, it’s a duck. How he treated you was wrong! 
 

You want to know how to resolve these feelings of rejection, betrayal and hurt? Start by seeing this for what it is - you are extremely lucky! Lucky that you were shown the type of person he is before you got in too deep. 
 

Rejection is protection! You have been  spared anymore of this man’s lies and deceit. Celebrate that! 
 

As for the other woman you can’t be responsible for her. Maybe she is insecure, has low self esteem and this man chose her because she’s easier to manipulate. Who knows! However the point is she hasn’t come out of this with the prize. 
 

You have the prize! You are now free of this man who is no good for you, and you can now move on peacefully. 

[smackie9]

Sounds like this is his MO...this new girl is going to have the same ending as you. I feel sorry for the both of you for being duped by this a**h***. 

[stillafool]

Is this man really good looking?

[Runninggirl]

We were exclusively dating. We didnt have one big talk about it, but he repeatedly assured me he was only seeing me, only cared about me, and up until this happened he was only pursuing me. He did no longer have dating apps etc. I also agree with the one who said the duck analogy. We acted as we were exclusively dating, he said and did a lot of things that made me sure of it. Is modern dating really come to that its my fault if a guy hooks up with someone else while we're dating because I didnt explicitly say I didnt want him to? 

I also got it confirmed later that he felt this way, because a few things have happened since my first post. Which has made the situation ten times worse.

I was under the impression I was told about this girl out of "girl code", and they were trying to spare me from dating an a**h***. Like I said initially they also said they spoke to the girl who was disgusted by this, shocked and claimed she had felt something was off. 

Turns out they all plotted to get rid of her "competition". They have been lying to me, and this girl has kept seeing him. They've repeatedly tried to make me delete him, hate him, bad mouthed him like crazy, said he's famous for cheating etc etc. All while one of their best friends continued dating him, and they had no problems with that. I was happy but surprised I got invited to a girls trip for NYE, with a few of these girls, and I thought they did so to make me feel better. I only know one of them from before. 

Turns out they did that so I would be away on NYE, and this other girl stayed behind to go see him on NYE. They also tried to hide that from me, but they were whispering about it and I heard. It was absolutely awful. 

The day after he texted me and "came clean", he said he had met someone else and had waited to tell me until he knew if it was real or not. He said it felt real from the beginning, and that this "wasn't how it was supposed to go", but that he wanted to be honest. Im glad at least that he felt the need to tell me since we had been dating for a while, and it was going so great. He just had immediate chemistry with this girl. 

I honestly think its because they've only hooked up drunk out, and had a blast and it feels great. She's also gorgeous, way above me. 

But yeah. I was basically officially dumped on jan 1st, and at the same time lost what I thought was a very close friend, and was played by a group of mean girls. 

 

@stillafool Why does his looks matter?

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 

@stillafool Why does his looks matter?

Because it matters to you.  

Sorry about the mean girls.

 

[MsJayne]

Ugh, two-faced friends are the pits. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but learning that you can't trust everyone is one of life's ugly lessons. I'll put $50 on him and her breaking up after a short time, mainly because he's an a*****e. My advice is to back away from any of the people in your friendship circle who conspired to crap on you, they're not your friends. 

[Runninggirl]

this opened my eyes about my so called "friends". one is my colleague so I can't get completely rid of her and won't confront her about it for career reasons, but Ive already put in some steps to get further away. Ive also checked opportunity to change devision at work because I dont want to be around that energy, it should be possible. 

Pretty heartbroken today, mostly because I feel cheated by these girls and that they "won", in the sense that they got what they wanted. Im glad that guy felt like he owed me a conversation at least. But I feel like I lost a good one. 

[flitzanu]

42 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

But I feel like I lost a good one. 

you lost a guy that cheated on you weeks after you met, how is that a "good one"?

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

But I feel like I lost a good one. 

You can’t lose someone who wasn’t yours to begin with. Someone who cheats on you and then dumps you is not your person at all. It’s just a stranger who did something bad to you and is now fortunately out of your life.

Try to generally move away from the “gain - loss” mindset when thinking about romantic relationships. We don’t actually own anyone, and if a person chooses to leave, respect their wishes and move on. Also, in relationships the winner is the one who eventually finds one person with whom they can live happily ever after. The amount of failed attempts before hitting that jackpot actually increases the chances of winning one.

Edited January 4 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

But I feel like I lost a good one. 

 

On 12/31/2024 at 12:06 AM, Runninggirl said:

I know this guy is trash

Both things can't be true.  

[Calmandfocused]

16 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

this opened my eyes about my so called "friends". one is my colleague so I can't get completely rid of her and won't confront her about it for career reasons, but Ive already put in some steps to get further away. Ive also checked opportunity to change devision at work because I dont want to be around that energy, it should be possible. 

Pretty heartbroken today, mostly because I feel cheated by these girls and that they "won", in the sense that they got what they wanted. Im glad that guy felt like he owed me a conversation at least. But I feel like I lost a good one. 

Evidently you haven’t digested my first response to you and you are not doing yourself any favours. 
 

Just how is this man a “good one”? How can lying and deceiving be “winning” in your eyes? 
 

You could be the winner if you committed yourself to moving on from this irrational mindset. 
 

You are the winner! You no longer have to associate with a man who is not good for you, nor with friends who do not have your best interests at heart. 
 

Hold your head up high. Pick up your self esteem. And find a better man and better friends! 
 

 

[Runninggirl]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Both things can't be true.  

I know. I think after he contacted me to talk I felt better about him. Obviously Im not happy that he did what he did, but at least he owed up to it. He could have just never talked to me again, I kept my distance and that would be the easy thing to do. Im grateful he made the uncomfortable decision and felt like he at least owed me a conversation. I know most guys would just disappear into thin air when they got the chance. I feel like he genuinely is a nice guy, he just met someone he likes more.

Im much more upset about how I was "played" by these girls, because they flat out pretended to have my best interest at heart, and schemed to get this girl to have better shot with him, because they were afraid he might actually be more interested in me. He wasn't, but they wanted to make sure, and they did what they could to make sure she "won". 

Its a pretty harsh start to the year tbh, I lost what I thought was a very close friend, for the first time in my life Ive encounter real "mean girls", and we're all really adults, and Im starting our with I feel like no one. I feel really heartbroken. I know this will pass, and we hadn't dated for that long, and it helps to know Ive had way worse heartbreaks before, this just takes a few weeks. Those weeks just really sucks.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you go directly from one failed situation with a man directly into another one without even taking a break to collect yourself.  Why?  When women have sex with men we become attached whether we want to or not.  That's' why I advise to take your time and wait until you are really pursued by a man before giving into sex.  Then maybe you won't feel so hurt when it doesn't work out because you didn't give yourself to them.  Those girls do sound mean and I'm sorry they treated you that way but no gang of women can stop a man from going after the woman he really wants to be with.

[flitzanu]

On 1/4/2025 at 9:30 AM, Runninggirl said:

 

Im much more upset about how I was "played" by these girls, because they flat out pretended to have my best interest at heart, and schemed to get this girl to have better shot with him, because they were afraid he might actually be more interested in me. He wasn't, but they wanted to make sure, and they did what they could to make sure she "won". 

 

the "other girls" didn't make your "boyfriend" have sex with another girl.  

actually the "mean girls" are the ones that did you a favor by telling you the truth, you said they badmouthed this guy by saying he's a liar and a cheater...which is absolutely true.  They told you the truth that this guy sucks and urged you to stay far away from him.

[stillafool]

On 12/30/2024 at 8:06 AM, Runninggirl said:

and second, I guess he’s mad she found out which is why he stopped texting me. But he got caught in what he was doing, which is his fault. Why do I STILL feel guilty, like I did something wrong?? I don’t have anything to feel guilty about? I didn’t sabotage for his changes with the other girl, he happened to hook up with someone who had a mutual friend with me. I didn’t ask her to say anything.

i hate the feeling that I feel like everyone now sees me as the jealous, hurt, third person. The whole experience was humiliating.

Advice?

It's perfectly normal to feel rejection when you've been rejected.  There is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.  You are correct you didn't sabotage his chances with the other girl.  Don't worry if they now view you as jealous and hurt.  This too will pass.  Hold your head high.

[Runninggirl]

On 1/6/2025 at 7:07 PM, stillafool said:

It sounds like you go directly from one failed situation with a man directly into another one without even taking a break to collect yourself.  Why?  When women have sex with men we become attached whether we want to or not.  That's' why I advise to take your time and wait until you are really pursued by a man before giving into sex.  Then maybe you won't feel so hurt when it doesn't work out because you didn't give yourself to them.  Those girls do sound mean and I'm sorry they treated you that way but no gang of women can stop a man from going after the woman he really wants to be with.

I felt like I did that with this guy. Waited, let him pursue me etc. I think I was even too shy, and that was the part of the reason why this girl could take him so easily. She just went for it. I mean they met drunk and hooked up drunk the week after. 

On 1/6/2025 at 8:21 PM, flitzanu said:

the "other girls" didn't make your "boyfriend" have sex with another girl.  

actually the "mean girls" are the ones that did you a favor by telling you the truth, you said they badmouthed this guy by saying he's a liar and a cheater...which is absolutely true.  They told you the truth that this guy sucks and urged you to stay far away from him.

No. But they lied to me initially about what had happened, they lied and said they told the girl, and they lied and said this girl was so thrown off by getting the information and wouldn't see him again. And they lied to make me not talk to him and lied to make me go away so I wouldn't be in the way for her to be invited to see him on NYE (they didnt plan it in advance).

Because one of the girls is my colleague I have to talk to her sometimes. She asks me every day if Ive heard from this guy. Its so frustrating. Ive been trying to lock myself in the office and avoid her as much as possible. Ive even started looking for a new job. 

 

Im trying to focus on what i want to improve in my life in this new year. It sucks to go into it with what feels like nothing. My dream is to have a family with someone I love. Right now Im focusing on getting more sleep, and exercising more. I also want a general "glow up", small little tweaks. I hate how she made me feel so ugly, just because I feel like he really was only into her and got swept away originally by her looks. I just feel so like sloppy seconds now. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

I felt like I did that with this guy. Waited, let him pursue me etc. I think I was even too shy, and that was the part of the reason why this girl could take him so easily. She just went for it. I mean they met drunk and hooked up drunk the week after. 

I don't think so.  Your first post on this was 12/30 and you just got started with the guy at the end of October.  So this was 2 months at most, and a LOT transpired.   I don't intend to minimize your hurt - that is what it is.   But, you invested greatly in a very short period of time.   The "hope' in dating is that the people will get to know each other and not be blindsided by awful surprises when they move into a more serious phase.   That would still be in play within the first several weeks, IMO.   

I think you invested in this guy too early.

Also, for the record, you may be doing the same thing with your female "friends" (who aren't friends at all evidently).   TBH I am having trouble wrapping my mind around this vast conspiracy theory you've described here.   

Do you have longstanding friendships or very close family members in your life?

2 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

 I hate how she made me feel so ugly, just because I feel like he really was only into her and got swept away originally by her looks. I just feel so like sloppy seconds now. 

Please don't let this take over your self image.  No matter how awful you are feeling about it right now, if you reframe it, you can look at it as a rather short term dating situation where you learned pretty quickly what the guy was about, and that you don't need anyone like that in your life.  

[Runninggirl]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't think so.  Your first post on this was 12/30 and you just got started with the guy at the end of October.  So this was 2 months at most, and a LOT transpired.   I don't intend to minimize your hurt - that is what it is.   But, you invested greatly in a very short period of time.   The "hope' in dating is that the people will get to know each other and not be blindsided by awful surprises when they move into a more serious phase.   That would still be in play within the first several weeks, IMO.   

I think you invested in this guy too early.

Also, for the record, you may be doing the same thing with your female "friends" (who aren't friends at all evidently).   TBH I am having trouble wrapping my mind around this vast conspiracy theory you've described here.   

Do you have longstanding friendships or very close family members in your life?

Please don't let this take over your self image.  No matter how awful you are feeling about it right now, if you reframe it, you can look at it as a rather short term dating situation where you learned pretty quickly what the guy was about, and that you don't need anyone like that in your life.  

Yes, I have never experienced anything negative with friends etc prior to this. Most of them weren't close friends of mine, but they reached out due to the situation, and in the situation I was naive and thinking they did this because they felt bad for me, when I in hindsight see (especially now that they disappeared because they're dating now), that it was to check out the competition and help this girl out. 

A third party accidentally revealed this on NYE, because she wasn't really in on this and didnt know who I was and said things in front of me before they could stop her. 

And let it be said, I dont really do dating apps, so this was someone I already knew and thought was a very good guy, and who a lot of people I trust really like. I mostly only date people I meet irl, although its getting harder as Im getting older. 

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

I felt like I did that with this guy. Waited, let him pursue me etc.

Is this the same guy you wrote about here:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/657536-what-to-think-and-what-to-do/

If so, you were very much the pursuer.  You were advised to sit back and let him do the work, at least at first, but you kept initiating contact. Of course there is no guarantee that a man who pursues you won't later decide to end things, but there is a greater likelihood of ongoing interest if you let the man do the pursuing in the early stages.

 

[Runninggirl]

On 1/8/2025 at 7:03 PM, introverted1 said:

Is this the same guy you wrote about here:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/657536-what-to-think-and-what-to-do/

If so, you were very much the pursuer.  You were advised to sit back and let him do the work, at least at first, but you kept initiating contact. Of course there is no guarantee that a man who pursues you won't later decide to end things, but there is a greater likelihood of ongoing interest if you let the man do the pursuing in the early stages.

 

No, but I see your point and this is definitely a pattern. I feel like most relationships Ive had (also long term ones) they have always showed a lot of interest in dating me, but as soon as we start dating the "power dynamic" flips, and Im the one taking initiative, overthinking, I step very lightly, try to figure out if they're interested, and it usually goes two ways. Either I come off too strong and they're not that keen or it pushes them away, OR I pull back, try to stay stoic and they kind of loose interest.

I honestly dont get what's wrong with me. I feel like someone asks me out, and they seem very interested in the beginning, but when I show interest back my insecurities shows in some way. Im very sensitive to how other people feel, so I think I pick up small signs that they're not sure and self sabotage. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Either I come off too strong and they're not that keen or it pushes them away, OR I pull back, try to stay stoic and they kind of loose interest

Have you ever tried matching their enthusiasm?  

[stillafool]

Maybe it's time to take a break from dating for a while until you figure it out.