Married but eyes are wandering

[Miss Spider]

Hi, guys.  It’s been a minute, but i need some advice. I have been married since this august ( been together three years) to my dream guy( in that he was someone I pined after for awhile.)  There was no shortage  of sparks when we first got together but we they naturally  faded, I  guess. I don’t know if I ever felt ready but we did the thing and I’m married. 

Recently, I’ve been unsure if I’m happy. I  love my husband. I really do. He’s good to me and would do anything for me and vice versa. But lately I’ve been feeling bored and trapped. 
 

I’ve always been a bit of commitment-phobe and love the thrill of the chase and NRE. I also never got much experience since I started dating late. I think that’s why I’ve developed a wondering eye and have been fantasizing about having an affair ( though I doubt I ever would… I just couldn’t do that to him.) Not a sexual affair, more an EA where I’d flirt  and stuff . 
There’s a guy t(that my husband knows too) in my circle and he’s was out with my friend the other night and when we made eye contact and the sparks were just insane.I think he knows I’m in a rship because he’s seen me with my husband but he’s vocalized his attraction to me when he was drunk once. This he came up to me and introduced himself  and shook my hand and seriously couldn’t contain my attraction like a school girl ( I am shy) so immediately walked away to get a grip before I acted foolishly. . And this happens a lot where I’ll be really feeling an dude and I’ll just get crazy sparks and the excitement like at the beginning of relationship. I miss that so much. I have flirted with the idea of flirting more with him. Next time I see him. Just terrible idea just awful. When I talk to my friends about this, they have no good advice for me except for “I don’t know..” or  “just don’t. “. 
 

I could never imagine hurting him by telling him that I am bored of him or something like that and we need to “spice things up”
 

I think I am beginning to regret my marriage. There are other elements to this of course but this is the crux I think. Thing is really. “bad” about my relationship at all. I think I just never got to sow my wild out enough? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just bored and need to spice something up ? I’m happy with our sex life also. 
 

 

can anyone help 

Edited November 29 by Cookiesandough

[NuevoYorko]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

There’s a guy t(that my husband knows too) in my circle and he’s was out with my friend the other night and when we made eye contact and the sparks were just insane.I think he knows I’m in a rship because he’s seen me with my husband

??? Your husband and you both know the guy, yet you "think" he knows your in a "relationship"?   

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

can anyone help 

You are the one who needs to get a hold on yourself. 

If you don't like being married, you can get a divorce.  You'd take quite a bit of heat for it, since you have only been married for 2 -3 months.  Obviously you're not trying very hard.  You do seem to think that "sparks" are the only think that makes a relationship and that's a problem.  There's a lot more to it than that.  

Have you talked about your feelings of unhappiness with your husband?   I sure hope you will do him the kindness of just moving on rather than having some kind of affair.  He probably would be terribly blindsided.  A couple of months in is not when anyone is going to be expecting the "grass is greener" syndrome to wreck their marriage - it's usually still honeymoon time.

 

[Miss Spider]

18 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

??? Your husband and you both know the guy, yet you "think" he knows your in a "relationship"?   

You are the one who needs to get a hold on yourself. 

If you don't like being married, you can get a divorce.  You'd take quite a bit of heat for it, since you have only been married for 2 -3 months.  Obviously you're not trying very hard.  You do seem to think that "sparks" are the only think that makes a relationship and that's a problem.  There's a lot more to it than that.  

Have you talked about your feelings of unhappiness with your husband?   I sure hope you will do him the kindness of just moving on rather than having some kind of affair.  He probably would be terribly blindsided.  A couple of months in is not when anyone is going to be expecting the "grass is greener" syndrome to wreck their marriage - it's usually still honeymoon time.

 

Thank you, Nuevo, for the advice. I just mean that my husband loosely is acquainted because he runs in the same scene and I tag along with my husband a lot. But I  don’t know how much attention this guy paid to me or my husband being together previous. We hadn’t” officially” met until the other night when he indroduced himself 

 

I know you say just leave… But do you realize what that means. It goes beyond like oh it will look bad for me or whatever. I’m not even sure I want to because like I said my husband I have a great relationship. He is like my best friend. We vibe so well and basically everyone sees us as that “in love” couple and I believe he is in love with me. I also feel like I am in love with him too a lot of times, but then I just feel like I’m bored and miss the sparks. And “sparks is a reductive way of putting it on my part. I guess it’s more just like a new person and  new experiences. It’s not even a sexual thing although yes, the sex is not as frequent as it was. That’s just part of being in a very long-term relationship. We did marry a few months ago, but we have been together for many years so it just feels like he’s very familiar to me.There’s another element like I said, but it’s too much to get into here.

 

I just don’t know what to do. I guess it feels good to actually get this out  because even my family and friends don’t know every little bit and the extent of it. 
 

i’m not sure if the divorce is what I want yet. Im confused I still love and I’m still attracted to my husband. Our relationship is still good. I know cheating would hurt him really bad and yes he’d be blindsided and id feel so guilty.  my idea was maybe  I just missed that validation and excitement of someone really being into me? Maybe some innocent  flirting would be better? 
 

I talked to my friend about it and she is a big flirt. She said that flirting is relationships is very normal and you’re still a person  even though you’re married. It  helps you feel good about yourself. My husband does pays attention to me and tells me I’m hot and stuff so it’s not like I’m completely neglected by him on that front. It’s just more of the excitement element I guess so maybe if I just innocently flirt but never really get to any serious point I could get it out of my system.

 

I don’t know, but thanks again 

Edited November 29 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess so maybe if I just innocently flirt but never really get to any serious point I could get it out of my system.

Your friend's idea not going to work, because flirting keeps the feeling alive.

Part of being married/LTR involves behaving ourselves.  And this includes shutting down that part of ourselves which used to enjoy the thrill of the chase and flirting with new connections.   Sure, you could divorce your husband and go flirt/sleep with whoever you want.   But will that life be fulfilling to you long term?   If not, you're just going to end up with a string of broken marriages and hurting men who trusted you.

Honestly, I think you simply need to give yourself a kick up the rear end and learn to leave the selfish impulses behind.

Edited November 29 by basil67

[Esteban]

I think suppress it for now, and don't put yourself into any temptations like getting drunk or dancing. I did wonder if you do need to spice up your home life (even though you don't seem to want to) by suggesting different types of sex, or a weekend away, or going back to the places of the first dates.

Would you ideally like to be more in an open relationship, or is it more a question of whether you want to be with him or not? If he suggested an open relationship, what would you say?

Your post suggests you are a bit back and forth and need to mull this over for a while, probably some months at least I would think. In the mean time, obviously don't cheat so as to keep your options open and not hurt him.

[NuevoYorko]

Why did you decide to get married?   You were together for 3 years, why did you change the status to something much more serious to terminate than a regular boyfriend / girlfriend arrangement?   Surely you know that you're not and never have been very commitment oriented (I remember you from old times around here).    

Anyway I'm not really here to try to guilt trip you.  The guy you married surely knew what he was signing up for, and you must have to some extent as well.   The best thing you can do now is to try to handle it with as much grace and responsibility as you are able.  After all, the man you married doesn't deserve any more discomfort than he's probably going to have coming his way.

Also - as the other poster said - have you considered being in open relationships?  Not everyone is monogamous by nature.  

[MsJayne]

If you're lucky enough to be married to someone who loves you and treats you well, I say be grateful and don't rock the boat. What do you think you'd get if you pursued this guy who's clearly lying about not knowing you have a partner? It wouldn't be Happy Ever After, more likely a quick fumble in a hotel room or the back of a car and then word goes around that social circle like wildfire.  Your ego's running your show, your husband deserves better than a wife who's so hungry for attention that she has to go chasing after other guys. If you can't be loyal then consider divorce. Your friend who encourages you is full of crap, many people actually find it a big turn off when their partner's such a hound for affirmation that they flirt with the pot plants. 

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Your friend's idea not going to work, because flirting keeps the feeling alive.

Part of being married/LTR involves behaving ourselves.  And this includes shutting down that part of ourselves which used to enjoy the thrill of the chase and flirting with new connections.   Sure, you could divorce your husband and go flirt/sleep with whoever you want.   But will that life be fulfilling to you long term?   If not, you're just going to end up with a string of broken marriages and hurting men who trusted you.

Honestly, I think you simply need to give yourself a kick up the rear end and learn to leave the selfish impulses behind.

Wow basil so glad to see you are still around with the other familiar faces like Nuevo etc.!!! Often thought about you guys. 
 

And of course you are still spitting. You are not wrong. It’s selfish of me.  And I would not be happy just having endless string of flings. Eventually if I like someone I want to be exclusive with them and I want the feeling to be mutual. 

 @Esteban

good question and we have discussed it before in the past not for our relationship but just hypotheticals and poly is 100% not his bag.  I’m not sure it’s mine either.  He’s said he’d leave before he’d be in one so  I think if I suggested anything like that it would be the beginning of the end of our marriage.  Like a slap in his face.  Also, I should mention that he can be a little possessive. Nothing crazy but if I’m out late with a gf at a bar sometimeshe gets low key jealous and passive aggressive. I think he has been making me feel a bit overwhelmed with how often we spend time together which could be part of it.

Lately I have been going out with my friends a lot more to bars etc without him  and more vocal with my bestie about what’s going on. She asked me if I think I would actually cheat. I said I don’t think so. But when I’m out again and I see that guy will I try to talk to him? Yes probably.  It just be friendly. It doesn’t mean we take it any further than that , much less the bedroom. Harmless flirting I think will give me the butterflies. You guys don’t understand that as of now I don’t flirt at all with men I find attractive 

I’ve also heard  people say if you found the right one this wouldn’t temptation wouldn’t happen. In the deepest depths of my mind I wonder if my husband is that person for me. Was I just infatuated and it turned to a comfortable love?  I  don’t know, but the sparks seem long gone when they were strong for awhile. 

I sometimes imagine continuing to talk the aforementioned guy and really hitting it off and we just *click* and I feel this mythical *connection and spark. Like he’s him and  he just understands me so well or he’s so interesting and fascinating to me also. But deep down i know it probably doesn’t work that way. There’s no “soul mate” or perfect person out there. We find people we mesh well with and love and I do feel that way for my husband but god am I bored

 

 

Thank you again for the insight, all. It is really helpful and gives me something to think about 

Edited November 30 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’ve also heard  people say if you found the right one this wouldn’t temptation wouldn’t happen.

I don't agree with this because it's essentially victim blaming  "If you were the right one for me, I wouldn't have cheated".    

Rather, I think temptation doesn't happen if we take responsibility for our behaviour when it comes to our interaction with others.  And for the record, this knowledge has come to me after trial and error.  And particularly in discovering that flirting is never harmless because it generally leads to someone becoming hot and bothered.   

29 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

But when I’m out again and I see that guy will I try to talk to him? Yes probably.  It just be friendly.

It won't be 'just friendly' because you know exactly what he wants to do with you, and he knows you know.  And there was the sparky eye thing and you thinking about "connection and spark"   This is not harmless.  Staying friendly with this guy is exactly the kind of thing you shouldn't be doing.   At least, not if you respect your husband.   And honestly, it's hard to criticise your husband for getting a bit possessive and jealous when this is what you're doing on the sly.

22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

In the deepest depths of my mind I wonder if my husband is that person for me. Was I just infatuated and it turned to a comfortable love?  I  don’t know, but the sparks seem long gone when they were strong for awhile. 

Yes, the sparks do die down.  It happens with all relationships over time because all those hormones which spark initial excitement and lust settle down eventually.  The hot yearning then turns into something deeper. 

Here's a thought: how about you take your husband with you when you go out and have fun with your friends?   Doing fun stuff together is a great way to keep the relationship interesting.  

 

[Miss Spider]

earlier tonight we went to dinner with his cousin(his gf).I kept imagining what it be like to go on a date with him, fall for him  , kiss him etc .   😳   Not good 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

I’ve also heard  people say if you found the right one this wouldn’t temptation wouldn’t happen.

That's false.  This needing "cheap thrills" is coming from you and doesn't have anything to do with your husband or relationship.   You just want something new to get your dopamine fix.   Also I suspect that you and your husband never really have had any depth to your union.  The way you said he was your "dream guy" and the reason was that you "pined for him for a while."   No mention of anything about the guy at all.  

Also I think it's meaningful that you spend so much time with your "bestie" in bars, without your husband.   I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  But I don't understand what the draw is.   If you were doing an activity that you love and your husband isn't into it that's one thing ... but just drinking in a bar or club regularly?  Is that really fun?  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

earlier tonight we went to dinner with his cousin(his gf).I kept imagining what it be like to go on a date with him, fall for him  , kiss him etc .   😳   Not good 

Assuming you're talking about the guy who's been trying to get int your pants, it sounds like your mind is made up to further stoke the fire.   What was the purpose of this thread?  

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you were ready to get married. 

 

[happyhorizons]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think you were ready to get married. 

 

She’s already married…..

[BaileyB]

You should not have married. 

This is not a problem of boredom in the marriage - there is nothing wrong with your marriage inherently. Marriage is what you make of it. This problem is within you.

[S2B]

You’ve only been married a few months and you’re considering other men?

you really shouldn’t continue the marriage. The disrespect to your husband is huge - and since you aren’t ready to stop the wandering eye - let your husband know you don’t know how to respect him as a husband.

he deserves better. Unless you can DO better divorce him.

Edited November 30 by S2B

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

She’s already married…..

I know. That's why I said she wasn't ready to get married. 

And now she is seeing why that's a problem. 

[Miss Spider]

@basil67 We do go out together often and I often do invite him even out with my friends and he says he doesn’t want to a lot and doesn’t see the fun at hanging out at a bar since he’s cut back drinking . Which is fine but sometimes I just wanna be with my girls and get out of the house and have a social night. I know lately he has been a little bit insecure about that because a men do hit on women when they are out with their friends and he suspects that I have been talking to my friends about our relationship a bit too much because he and one of my friends who is a bit wild don’t get along and I have vented to her on the past about problems and he found out.

 

I don’t know why I’m married to be honest. I don’t know why anyone does. Guess because I love him ?
 

 Thank you everyone for your advice.
@S2BI appreciate your insight too but how are you going to make it like I am disrespecting my husband, as if it’s intentional or something. Like I am choosing to be attracted to other people outside of relationship. In fact, I have made conscious efforts to get away from and avoid men that have talked to me while I am married. I just feel like I feel trapped. And there’s more to it like he is always having to be by my side and know where I’m at sometimes like call me “when are you gonna be home”. When I’m just at the grocery store or something. the things about him that I used to like  to have been lately grading on me. This is not something that I wanted and I choose. I am sure a lot of people go through this. More than are willing to admit on a forum or anywhere else. I do. I do love my husband, but sometimes I think that maybe I wanted something different like someone that is different. I don’t know. It feels  like the mystery is gone. The excitement is gone. I don’t see anything wrong with flirting a little bit with another person. A lot of people do that. I’ve met a lot of many people that are happily married people who are huge flirts. It’s not like he doesn’t talk to other women at all. Anyway, I am overthinking this maybe. maybe it is my anxiety speaking I just cannot even fathom telling him that I want a divorce or something like that because I love him a lot. I really do and I can’t imagine ever breaking up with him or something but I enticed by some strange ngl I don’t think that is something I choose

 

thanks again, all 

 

 

 

Edited November 30 by Miss Spider

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You should not have married. 

This is not a problem of boredom in the marriage - there is nothing wrong with your marriage inherently. Marriage is what you make of it. This problem is within you.

But like…… How can I help that? How can you help that you’re attracted to other people? It’s just insane to me. I feel like that means that I’m either stuck in a relationship where I am not fulfilled  and suffering for the rest of my life or I explode my marriage and equally suffer and either way I suck and it’s my fault 

Edited November 30 by Miss Spider

[happyhorizons]

16 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

But like…… How can I help that? How can you help that you’re attracted to other people? It’s just insane to me. I feel like that means that I’m either stuck in a relationship where I am not fulfilled  and suffering for the rest of my life or I explode my marriage and equally suffer and either way I suck and it’s my fault 

Regardless of the WHY'S or WHY NOT'S, you are in very difficult position at this point in your life. 

[Miss Spider]

35 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Regardless of the WHY'S or WHY NOT'S, you are in very difficult position at this point in your life. 

Ty. That is very true. 

[happyhorizons]

1 minute ago, Miss Spider said:

Ty. That is very true. 

You will figure out what’s BEST FOR YOU..

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Miss Spider said:

But like…… How can I help that? How can you help that you’re attracted to other people? It’s just insane to me. I feel like that means that I’m either stuck in a relationship where I am not fulfilled  and suffering for the rest of my life or I explode my marriage and equally suffer and either way I suck and it’s my fault 

You help it by using self control, and avoiding situations which put you in temptation.    And I'm not talking out my arse here, this is something I've struggled with too.  And honestly, it the feeling really didn't stop happening until I made an active choice to not put myself in situations where temptation would happen.  This essentially involved ceasing all flirty interaction with men and focussing solely on female friends.   And for the record, once the decision was made, my life only improved.   

I suggest that you first address your lack of self control and attention seeking from other men.   And recognise that a large part of this is the adrenaline hit you receive when you flirt....it becomes so you're an addict seeking the next fix.    Then when you have your social life in order without all those distractions, it will then be time to consider your marriage. 

I would also suggest individual therapy

[La.Primavera]

I don't think flirting and encouraging this other man can be done in a harmless way.  

Yes, people can flirt and remain faithful to their spouse.  With some people can be innocent and casual, but other times there is something "different" about a particular person. Another layer of chemistry or need within us that makes it impossible to safely flirt without things escalating further. It sounds like you are talking yourself into an affair whether you're aware of it or not.  

You said you can't imagine telling your husband that your bored and need to spice things up, but I think that is exactly what you should do. That would be much easier to take than being blindsided by a divorce or discovering an affair.  Telling him the truth about your dissatisfaction at least gives you both the opportunity to work on things together in partnership and see whether you can build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. 

You both have work to do if you want this relationship to thrive. I would recommend looking into the work of someone like Esther Perel.  You can find a lot of interviews and discussions with her on YouTube. I think the Ted talk on The secret to desire in a long-term relationship would be particularly useful for you to listen to.  
 

[Georgia46]

What’s worrying is your only 3 years in … and you’re bored already.
 

  It’s usually still in the lusty, romantic stage after a short time.