Will They Stay?

[Sun55Sun]

I’ll just start off by saying I’ve never dated. I’m young and know I have lots of time, but I do get jealous of others in relationships and wish to have someone to be with.

I grew up in a troubled environment. There were a lot of close people in my life who were supportive and nice when things were going well, but quick to turn cold when I was going through hardship and often left me to face it alone. This would sometimes make me wonder if anyone truly loved or cared about me.

I suppose this background was the basis for my present feelings towards dating, because it is incredibly important for me to have a partner who will not abandon me if I fall upon difficult times. Whenever I meet someone I’m attracted to, I always wonder about this. As the saying goes, you find out how much you mean to people during your worst times, not your best.

As I’ve said before, I have no dating experience so I wanted to know from some of you that do. Do you ever think about what your partner will do if you find yourself in a bad situation? Is it something you think about when selecting someone? Is there any way you can reasonably guess what their reaction might be if you come upon hard times?

Just to make something clear, although it’s honorable to stay with someone who is struggling, I also know it can be problematic. There have been two people that I got overly infatuated with because they were there for me during very horrible experiences. I knew deep down that they weren’t the best choices for me, but their level of care and concern was so special. I was crushed when both of them said they only saw me as a friend. I know that I can’t put 100% of my focus on this one criteria and I will definitely try to reevaluate my priorities, but at the same time, it worries me. I just don’t want someone who will walk out the door in a heartbeat. I’ve had enough of that.

 

[basil67]

My rule for staying with someone through their problems depends on a combination of how committed the relationship is, and what they are doing to help themselves.   For instance, I'd stand by a long term partner for much longer than someone I'd been dating for a couple of months.

If the problem is physical or psychological, I'd expect them to be seeking help.  That said, doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists can be really expensive if there's no government funded medical access where you live, so there would have to be a degree of understanding from the partner if financial difficulties were a temporary barrier to seeking help.  

If the problem is unemployment, I'm expect them to be looking for work.  Any work!  None of this "I'm qualified for X, so I'm not going to be lifting boxes" excuses (unless of course they have a $$ payout to tide the over.   

All in all, if you are proactive about getting yourself out of whatever hole you've landed in, I think that a good partner will stick by you.  

[Gaeta]

I am sorry your childhood circumstances make you feel unsafe. The alternative would be to learn to trust yourself. That no matter what life will throw at you - YOU will deal with it and you will be ok. It's nice to have someone, a partner, to have our back, but to know you are strong enough to go through anything, is the real gift you want to give yourself. 

In terms of a partner supporting us, I guess it depends what is the struggle.

Many people have partners that struggle with different types of problems like addiction, unemployment, mental health, etc but they don't take actions to better themselves and resolve these struggles.  I think there is a limit to dealing with our partner's struggles when it impacts our own mental health and stability.

[Gebidozo]

The answer to your question greatly depends on what kind of a bad situation you’re talking about, and even more so on what exactly you’re doing to get out of it.

If, say, you lost your job or lost a lot of money through no fault of your own, of course a good partner will help you out. But you can’t expect them to just provide for you forever while you do nothing at all to improve your financial situation.

Similarly, if you’re depressed or are having other mental problems, a good partner will stick with you - as long as you’re actively doing something to overcome those problems. If you’re just wallowing in self pity, taking your partner’s help for granted and hoping they would solve your problem instead of yourself, don’t be surprised if your partner leaves.

The bottom line is, nobody has unlimited patience and nobody’s love can withstand anything.  And there is no way to know who would stay and who would leave, because each case is individual and a long term relationship has to unfold first in order to even begin pondering that question.

Instead of fearing that a potential partner might leave you when things get tough, focus on how you’d deal with problems on your own, cultivate your own inner strength and independence.

Edited November 28 by Gebidozo