Boyfriend isn't attracted to me anymore because of his hernia?

[tetris9316]

My boyfriend says he is no longer affectionate, intimate or interested in spending time with me, because of his groin hernia. He plays on his video games all day, has headphones on so he can't even hear me when I try to engage with him, the only time we spend together is when we're asleep and whenever I go to his place he says he needs space and that he doesn't even know why I'm there, when he literally invited me. He doesn't kiss me, touch me, ever. He talks to other girls online and watches webcam models but has no interest in anything affectionate or loving with me anymore. Been together 3 years, he moved out about 6 months ago... He's broken up with me twice and says I'm too much, but he keeps coming back and whenever I tell him it's okay if he's done he tries so hard to convince me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he won't listen to what i need or want or feel, he wont do therapy even though he agreed AND we were getting paid to do it, and he just blames me and tonight he finally said i was making him uncomfortable because I jokingly said that his video games wasn't working because he doesn't kiss me or touch me enough so it's throwing a fit.....he says his hernia is why hes not interested in that anymore and he cant even get in the mood, that its really hard to arouse him, but he still watches porn when hes alone, and he told me tonight that he isnt attracted to me anymore or anything for that matter....

 

Am I crazy or does this sound like a man who is no longer interested in me and just staying with me for whatever reason....

[S2B]

It’s done - you should want more for yourself than what he’s doing  (or I should say not doing).

life is too short to waste another minute letting that guy treat you terribly.

 

[basil67]

If he's using porn, there's nothing wrong with his sex drive.   It's just that he's used it so much that he's conditioned his brain to prefer porn over a real woman.   

I think you'd be a fool to continue further with him

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, tetris9316 said:

Am I crazy or does this sound like a man who is no longer interested in me

It's plain as day that he's no longer interested in you. 

Why are you still there? I would have gotten rid of him ages ago. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, tetris9316 said:

Am I crazy or does this sound like a man who is no longer interested in me and just staying with me for whatever reason....

You are not crazy. 
 

2 hours ago, tetris9316 said:

whenever I go to his place he says he needs space and that he doesn't even know why I'm there

To be honest, I’m kind of wondering why you are there too - when it’s plain as day that he’s lost interest in the relationship. 

Hernias can be surgically repaired. Unfortunately, there is no fix for what’s not working in your relationship…

Edited November 25 by BaileyB

[tetris9316]

Honestly, the relationship gets much more mentally and emotionally abusive, beyond this scenario. Unfortunately, I became homeless when we met and id practically given up. Id accepted that that was my life now and he saw me and saw that I didn't belong out there and I had a horrible childhood and upbringing or abuse and neglect. Self love, boundaries, anything healthy was foreign to me and when Id met him I was DEEP in my recovery and self discovery and him seeing so much in me brought me to the idea of living again. Fast forward a few months and all the toxicity starts. Long story short I was very dependent of him and my self worth had relied soley on his opinions of me. When his opinions of me started conflicting with who I believed me to be, is where the actual damage had begun, then the gas lighting, and the ignoring and destruction of property, lying, other women, you name it and ive left many times before. However, every time I'd leave id lose some sort of stability in the process. I don't know how. But eventually the more checked out is become, the closer to on the streets id become. He has been hitchhiking his whole life. He's used to the streets and that life. I'm not, I am very old fashioned and traditional and goodie two shoes. I am also 31 and he is 43. He's lived his life already. Has great stories. I've done nothing. Whenever I started to get my s*** together or do better than him he did whatever he could to break me back down. I've wanted out. The only excuse I have for myself is I'm naive and way too forgiving and overly hopeful that for once ...this time he might be telling me the truth and mean what he says. It's been so long now and I have absolutely no one without him, I usually only last a week before I come crawling back because my anxiety and abandonment issues and even just my mental health (I'm autistic OCD with hyperactivity and have borderline personality disorder and CPTSD) become unbearable when I'm alone for too long. I've been told I need to probably be hospitalized after this relationship but I'm scared shitless of those places because im not crazy. I'm just f***ed up and hurt and dysfunctional now from the constant years of back to back abuse. From strangers, family, partners. And I'm scared they won't understand that and I'll get picked up for life or something. Idk. Also probably just my anxiety. But the relationship isn't just bad ... And im not trying to make excuses for him but he has also saved my life in ways too.  I wouldn't even be here right now if it wasn't for him..... But I also wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him.... Both sides of the same coin is him. I know.. it LOOKS so easy but sitting in it, everyday.... ITS SO HARD... I don't know why I NEED him to love me .. it's like I feel like I'm f***ed up and a failure of he doesn't or I'm not worth it or something.... I f***ing need therapy or something I'm sorry for wasting your guys time with this s*** 😩

[BaileyB]

I sincerely hope that you get the support that you need to feel better. Hugs. 

[S2B]

Do you work now?

[The Resilient Me]

Hey so before going right in with my opinion, why are you accepting of his behaviors towards you?

[NuevoYorko]

17 hours ago, tetris9316 said:

whenever I tell him it's okay if he's done he tries so hard to convince me that he loves me and wants to be with me

???   How exactly is he trying so hard to convince you?  You've spent paragraphs detailing all the ways he's actively trying to make sure you feel his brutal rejection.

I am very sorry for your very troubled life so far ... please let this guy quickly recede into your rear view mirror.  He is pure poison for you.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, tetris9316 said:

Am I crazy or does this sound like a man who is no longer interested in me and just staying with me for whatever reason....

He couldn't be more clear that he is no longer attracted or interested in you.  After all the things he's said to you and the way he treats you he isn't the one who needs therapy, you do.  You need to get to the root of why your self esteem is so low that you let a guy say those things to you and treat you the way he does, and you still stay with him.  Why do you?

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, you need therapy.

If you're in the USA, reach out to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.  Google it.   There are shelters that will take you in and help you get yourself sorted out so that you'll be better able to care for yourself, and avoid repeating this with this guy or others in the future.

If you're not in the US there are services in many other countries as well.

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, tetris9316 said:

but he keeps coming back and whenever I tell him it's okay if he's done he tries so hard to convince me that he loves me and wants to be with me,

Stop being a passive observer of your life.  Instead of telling him it's okay if he's done, and going with whatever happens, tell him YOU'RE done.  This relationship is completely toxic and needs to end.  And you need to not date again for a long time until you get into some serious therapy and get your life together.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why the heck are you wasting time with this guy? Dump him! Yesterday. 

Move on.