Long distance feeling one sided - do I take a wait and see approach here?

[Insignificantdetails]

We've been together for 1.5 years and long distance for the last six months. We are three hours apart.

For the first few months, the visits were about equal. Then I started visiting him more because I have a mostly remote job and he is a professor who needs to be on campus half the time. We also had a lovely holiday together in October.

This month we haven't met at all due to his deadlines and a family illness on my side. It's been hard but we've kept in touch via phone calls and daily messages.

Thankfully he said he would finish his schedule at the start of December then visit me for a week. 

Out of nowhere tonight he says the head of department was moving schedules around and he has had to submit something to ensure he gets the time off or the visit will be ruined. I said I'm glad he got it sorted and he said 'not yet but hopefully.'

For me, it isn't an option not to see each other for an additional month. I'm not ok with it. Should I say something now or see if the schedule is approved first? 

Edited November 21, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B this is what I think/feel.

We've had one fight in our relationship (by phone) and he came to see me the next day before going back for work the next day. Took him 3 hours to get here.

I love him so much and feel he is great husband and probably great father material too (if we were nearby). I want it to work out. But I don't want to be the one doing all the running or visiting.

[ShyViolet]

Why did the relationship switch to long distance, and is there any plan for either of you to move closer so it won't continue to be long distance?

[Insignificantdetails]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why did the relationship switch to long distance, and is there any plan for either of you to move closer so it won't continue to be long distance?

Hi @ShyViolet 

We met in my city when he was completing a PhD. He  lived here for five years and then he was offered an amazing tenure track position 3 hours south of here. It's academia and tough to come by these positions so would have been nuts to pass it up.

If anyone moves it will need to be me. The issue is I have my family and a strong support network of friends here. We have not made a plan yet.

In the short term we agreed to take turns visiting but his 'turn' is increasingly less frequent. When I stay with him it's for 1-2 weeks.

Edited November 21, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Insignificantdetails said:

If anyone moves it will need to be me. The issue is I have my family and a strong support network of friends here. 

In the short term we agreed to take turns visiting but his 'turn' is increasingly less frequent. When I stay with him it's for 1-2 weeks.

If you don't genuinely see the possibility of you moving to be closer to him soon, like within a year, then this relationship is a waste of time.  You are clearly seeing the effects of how tiresome and draining a long distance relationship can be.  It shouldn't go on indefinitely like this.

[Insignificantdetails]

@ShyVioletin the interim I do feel he should be making more effort. We are one 3 hour train ride apart. His schedule is demanding but he could come on a Friday and leave on Sunday. I want to ensure that I'm in an equitable relationship before moving anywhere.

In theory I would be willing to move within the year. My reluctance is not about my feelings towards him. I lived abroad for years so for the last 5 years I have loved being near my family and friends again. I also co-run a small theatre which brings me a lot of joy.

This life would be hard to leave behind. On the other hand, I miss him so much when we are apart. Food for thought.

Edited November 21, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B thanks. I think you're right. My mum even advised I should visit more! Because he's busy but I'm busy too. It feels wrong for me to make yet another visit, without him reciprocating.

The irony is I feel he was the more invested one before the move. He definitely sold it to me, saying we'd take turns making the effort and make it work. He said he was happy to travel.

I think he has underestimated the pressure of his new role but even if that's the case, I'm not willing to be kicked to the bottom of the priority rung on the ladder.

He hasn't asked me to move there yet.

Edited November 22, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[Leihla_B]

6 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

Should I say something now or see if the schedule is approved first? 

I can only speak for myself. I'd pull back on my own efforts and any pressure on him. Otherwise, I'd deprive myself of valuable information.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B I actually don't think he is doing the slow fade. But I could be wrong.

He contacts me multiple times a day and when I am visiting, he is totally present. We go on trips together, shopping, he cooks for me, and tends to my comfort/happiness. 

But before we started this he said we could work from each others home when possible - I do this, so far he hasn't done this since moving.

I need to find out why, but as @Leihla_Bsays for now I need to be leaning back right now.

Edited November 22, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[petee]

It sounds to me that there needs to be a bit more give for now, from you. You've mentioned that he's in a fantastic job for his field and it just sounds like the hurdles are popping up all over...for now. Nothing is forever, so maybe cut the guy some slack?

What I don't see helping is an ultimatum. If its too much then cut and run, and if you can wait for a quieter time then it could be that the relationship gets to marriage.

[NuevoYorko]

I am agreeing with the above.  I do not recommend an ultimatum or any kinds of demands at this juncture.   

There are a lot of people, some on this board I believe, who had long and difficult separations from their partner when one of them was in a particularly demanding career phase. 

I think what is really important is that you both are on the same page regarding the future.   If you're "dating" maybe this is not the right situation.   I can see that.  But if you BOTH are solidly future planning then you both should be able to manage this period of disruption.

Where are you at with your future plans?  

[Insignificantdetails]

@petee and @NuevoYorko thanks for your replies in a similar vein.

The truth is we haven't planned. I said I was keen to plan and discuss the future this month, and he asked me to wait until his work calms down in January.

In theory I am willing to make the move to him but I can't do it right away. You raise a great point - we aren't working towards anything concrete now, always just 'next time'.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B we aren't Americans so we don't have one/won't meet that weekend. We're in the UK.

Edited November 22, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[Leihla_B]

What does he claim are his reasons for not traveling to you on any weekends?

[Insignificantdetails]

@Leihla_Bat the moment he is also working weekends, lesson planning etc apparently. 

However, I'm going to ask him why he can't do this from my place. He told me he would work from my place and he hasn't. I need him to do this more next year is the relationship is to grow.

In October we saw each other for two weekends and an extra 5 days of me working at his home. We were on city breaks in different places.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B honestly, yes a little. I don't really want to be asking him if he wants me to move there - I'd prefer he asked.

Edited November 22, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[NuevoYorko]

57 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

@S2B honestly, yes a little. I don't really want to be asking him if he wants me to move there - I'd prefer he asked.

I don't think it's that important who asks this question.  The crucial thing is that the two of you should be moving towards a common goal at this stage, or else not subjecting yourselves to a relationship that is very challenging to conduct.  

The fact that this question:  "Where is all of this leading?" is not currently on the table seems to me to be concerning.   Also I don't know why you are supposed to talk about it in January.   If you are not both on the same page, why would you choose to keep on the current path for another 2 months?

Believe me, I know it would be a very tough conversation with a risk of ending the relationship.  But, 1.5 years is really enough time for each of you to know what you are wanting out of it.

 

[petee]

Sorry, you’re using words that flag you don’t trust him…‘apparently’.

I think I’ve read enough to confidently say there’s no future with this chap. 
I think it’s time to draw stumps and move on to a happier place.

[Insignificantdetails]

@NuevoYorkoit wasn't my choice to wait until January. I'd rather talk now.

I don't think he's coping very well with the pressures of an intense new job. So he wants to wait until he has headspace. But it's not easy to wait all this time to discuss our future.

At the moment I'm trying to tell the difference between intense pressures that will be relieved so he can visit from a man that loves me and wants to be with me, and someone who may not be very committed/is therefore putting off that conversation.

[Els]

Probably going to be the devil's advocate here, but I can actually understand why it would make sense for you to be the one to travel more often (and also to move) in this situation. Tenure track is the primary goal of virtually every academic's career, and it makes sense to me that the person who can work remotely would be the person to travel and move.

The question here IMO shouldn't be "why is the travel not 50/50", but rather "what is he doing to make up for that?". I don't personally think that literally everything needs to be 50/50 - sometimes circumstances dictate that one person will be doing more of a certain thing, and I think that's fine. The key here, to prevent one-sidedness, is that the other person should be doing other things to balance it out. So, if he can't travel and can't move, what does he do to balance this relationship out? Do you see him making an effort in other ways, or is his effort lukewarm in ALL areas of your relationship?

 

[NuevoYorko]

45 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

 

At the moment I'm trying to tell the difference between intense pressures that will be relieved so he can visit from a man that loves me and wants to be with me, and someone who may not be very committed/is therefore putting off that conversation.

It's not "either / or."  But you yourself don't seem to be coping with this well.   I agree with the poster above who noticed that you are using language that is giving the impression here that you don't entirely trust him or believe that you're both on the same page.

If you were easy going and okay with taking things as they come it could be okay, but you're not and you want him to be proving himself in a way that is evidently not  viable to him under his  current circumstances.

It's not necessarily that he is not very committed, or doesn't care much.  He may simply be maxed out.  

 

 

[Insignificantdetails]

@ElsI mostly agree with this. I am the most mobile and able to work from his. I have done this several times since he moved.

Except there are times it isn't as convenient for me. At the moment I am caring for a relative who is sadly in her final weeks/month. I have to be with family now and hoped he could take a turn visiting. It isn't an option for me to go anywhere this month.

In addition I co-run a local theatre which has a Christmas show coming up. 

In terms of effort, last month he missed a planned FaceTime once which upset me. It didn't happen again after that.

When I actually visit him I have his undivided attention. He makes lovely meals, he's present and thoughtful always.

This is a very difficult time for both of us. His work, my family situation, and knowing being together relieves this but doesn't feel possible.

Edited November 22, 2024 by Insignificantdetails

[Insignificantdetails]

@NuevoYorko thanks for reminding me of the generous interpretation - that he might simple be maxed out. 

In May we discussed how this would work. He said we would take turns visiting and that the travel was easy for him. He hasn't visited me since August, although we've been on other trips or I have visited.

I struggle with the fact we had an agreement and now it isn't happening.

I also want him to spend time with my family and friends occasionally - he will not do this if he never visits. It's about sharing a life together too. That's what I want.

[Els]

10 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

In May we discussed how this would work. He said we would take turns visiting and that the travel was easy for him. He hasn't visited me since August, although we've been on other trips or I have visited.

Was this BEFORE he took up the position? I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to know how their new job is going to be before they start. He might well have expected a lower workload than he was faced with.

As for the situation with your family, that's incredibly sad, and I'd hope he'd put in the extra effort to give you support during this time. Personally this is what I'd be focusing on - that this is a really rough month for you, not the "agreement".

At the end of the day,  this sounds like a very salvageable LDR if both of you want it to be. For contrast, I was in a LDR that required a flight across thousands of km in order for either of us to visit, and we couldn't close the distance for 2 years due to education commitments. We made it work, and we've been together for 15 years and are happily married. In your case, you are only 3 hours apart and moving in the near future is technically easy. The question is just whether you feel like this is the right person for you, and it's hard for us to answer that for you.

[Leihla_B]

8 hours ago, Els said:

Was this BEFORE he took up the position? I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to know how their new job is going to be before they start. He might well have expected a lower workload than he was faced with.

My thoughts exactly. None of us know exactly what we're signing on for with a new job. I've faced extreme challenges that I'd never anticipated. It would be especially difficult with demands rather than suppoert from loved ones.