He suddenly went cold again after getting 'too excited'

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

6 months ago, I matched with a guy online. There was quite a geographical distance between us, but we kept talking for a while because we both really enjoyed our communications with each other. We matched when he was down near my neck of the woods one weekend, visiting his mother. We have never met up, neither have we ever spoken on the phone.

At one point when we were talking back then, he did ask me if I wanted to meet up since he’d be visiting his mother one weekend, but unfortunately that particular weekend was a very busy one for me so I had to decline.

We kept chatting, but eventually when the aspect of a long distance between us kept looming over, we drifted apart, moreso him than me.

After we stopped talking, I did often think of him. I really enjoyed our communications and didn’t want to let that go completely. Even though I had never met this person or spoken with him on the phone, I felt a fondness for him from when we connected that I don’t often feel with men anymore. So recently, I thought I would reach out again just to check in with him, which I did a few days ago.

I was pleasantly surprised when I did. He seemed very happy to hear from me, and expressed a willingness to meet up. He said that he now had a new job that was closer to my neck of the woods. I asked if he wanted to speak on the phone one night, to which he responded positively so we scheduled a call for yesterday.

The night before this scheduled phone call however, things took a bit of a turn, in a direction that I wasn’t too comfortable with. He was texting me one night when he was in a bit of a horny mood. I had never before seen this side of him- he had never spoken to me like this before; I was accustomed to seeing his ‘more decent’ side.

My responses to his ‘risué messages’ were not quite matching his level of energy, but likewise I was humouring him just enough as to not ‘put him off’. He could sense that he was probably being a little ‘too much’ and did intermittently say “sorry if that’s a little too cheeky!” during these exchanges. He even asked there and then if we could do our phone chat right then instead of the next evening when it was scheduled for, but since it was already getting quite late that night and I had an early start the next day, I requested for us to keep it for the next evening as planned. He said “sure, keep me updated on when’s good for you tomorrow 🥰”

I was looking forward to our telephone chat, when I hoped we would finally have a chance to hear each other’s voices for the first time and get to build a connection in some way other than just via text message, which we had always ever done.

However, when I subsequently got in touch the next day to confirm what time we would be doing our phone call that evening, it seemed as if something had changed for him. He left my message on ‘unread’ for a few hours, and then sent me quite an indifferent reply in which he said he had to cancel our call. His energy was incredibly different to how he had been the night before and the preceding day when I had first reached out.

He expressed in his cancellation message that his mother had some friends cancel on her last weekend so he thought he would go spend the evening with her since she’d been by herself for a couple of days. He joked that he “realised he got a little too cheeky with me last night and that he was trying to now balance out his karma by being a good son to his mother 😆” 

He did not offer to reschedule our phone call, and was very vague in the message in general- saying we would ‘definitely meet up one day’. It was as if our recent conversations about planning a call and a meetup in the near future never happened.

I expressed to him that if he’s not actually that interested, it would be best if he came clean about that so that we could both just move on and cut contact once and for good. He kept trying to say “no, he is” , that he “doesn’t want to waste his second chance with me”, but still no suggestion of a phone call or a meetup. It was almost as if he was just trying to say enough to keep me around when actually he lacked any real interest in seeing where things go with me.

So I am now back to where I started- him stepping back, but for a different reason this time to when he attributed it to ‘the distance’ the first time- but I am left wondering why he has done so this time? I’m left confused.

I would really appreciate some inputs to help me make sense of why he might have disappeared all over again. He seemed so interested just a few days ago, and for some reason, after that night that he was horny and then apologetic for this, he went cold on me again.

Thank you in advance for your support 💛

 

Edited November 20 by babybrowns

[NuevoYorko]

24 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

We kept chatting, but eventually when the aspect of a long distance between us kept looming over, we drifted apart, moreso him than me.

That might be the crux of it right there.  He didn't want to spend his energy cultivating "something" with a person that he could not date in real life.  So he faded off.

YOU reached out to him.  He was happy to hear from you - and steered the contact towards "sextng."  Which is reasonable, under the circumstances, since you life far apart and can't actually date.  

But, it didn't really get off the ground.  So ... here you are.

[babybrowns]

Hi, nope the distance was an issue the first time but not this time- as mentioned he now has a job closer to where I (and his mother) live. It is a hybrid job so he is spending half the week here, and the other half of the week back home in the distant town where he’s from. This is why I’m wondering as to his reasons for stepping back this second time, when the first time it was supposedly the distance as he’d said.

Edited November 20 by babybrowns

[basil67]

Everything changed at the point where he wanted to sext and you didn't, so the change would have been related to that.  I guess he's thinking that the two of you want different things and faded

 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hi, nope the distance was an issue the first time but not this time- as mentioned he now has a job closer to where I (and his mother) live. It is a hybrid job so he is spending half the week here, and the other half of the week back home in the distant town where he’s from. This is why I’m wondering as to his reasons for stepping back this second time, when the first time it was supposedly the distance as he’d said.

Well ... he actually never reached out to you to let you know he was now closer.   According to your OP, he only told you this after YOU took the initiative to reach out.  He didn't let you know on his own. That says all you need to know about his level of interest.

If you need more - his first impulse was not to ask you for a date -- it was to try sexting.

Sorry.  Don't be too disappointed though - he's really just an Internet stranger, though you developed some feelings for him.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you need more - his first impulse was not to ask you for a date -- it was to try sexting.

This. 

You two don't want the same things out of this. I wouldn't bother trying to keep this afloat. You are a back-up option for him, and not even for a date. He's not that interested in more or he would have let you know on his own that he was nearer to you now, but he didn't bother until you reached out to him. 

This guy is just not a match for you. 

[Gaeta]

I am shocked! 

Usually you come on here to complain about silly little things to sabotage yourself but this time you let a man play you for an entire 6 months and you kept chasing him when huge red lights were flashing that this man is a married man.

6 months with no phone calls! No video! No visit! The man is married. He was just interested is texting/sexting. I'm ready to bet those were not his real pictures on his profile. What could he have told you that you hung on for so long to so little.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your replies so far. The circumstances are such that me and this man have never once spoken on the phone, let alone meet up in person. It’s not like I have asked him to do a video chat and he’s refused- I have never asked him for one.

Back when we first matched and were talking, as mentioned he did suggest meeting up, but I was busy so couldn’t. And then when in due course he expressed that the distance was too great for him, I unmatched him online.

We did get back in touch now and then over the months since then, but it was clear that things had fizzled out. Naturally he didn’t let me know when he was closer to my area- he had nothing to go on. No in-person meetup or telephone call to have good memories from, no pictures to even remember what I look like since I had unmatched him (I’d saved a couple of pictures of his when I did).

I am therefore trying to get to the stage where we can just ‘humanise’ some of this electronic communication that we’ve only ever had, either through a meetup or phone call. From that, we can both make an informed decision about whether we wish for something to happen or not- we will have something to go on. 

Also, the sexting was not the very first thing he thought of when I got in touch- this was after we had already spoken about meeting up, and doing a phone call. In fact, when I asked him about meeting up, he came back with a couple of suggestions about things so even went ‘above’ my initial suggestion and responded with even more energy than me. The ‘sex innuendo’ talk from him was the night after these initial communications.

If it seems as though my lack of excitement in his trying to steer the conversation in that direction led to him getting put off a bit, I wonder if there is something I can do about that. I do find him very attractive, but naturally it was too early for me to want to engage in that kind of talk. I was set on getting to know him properly from this phone call the day after which wasn’t to be.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

If it seems as though my lack of excitement in his trying to steer the conversation in that direction led to him getting put off a bit, I wonder if there is something I can do about that. I

Why would you want to? 

This isn't a someone who is that interested in getting to know you. Let this one go. 

[Leihla_B]

You can make this as complex as you wish. He's not interested in meeting you. He wanted a sext buddy, and that's all he ever wanted.

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I do find him very attractive, but naturally it was too early for me to want to engage in that kind of talk.

You have never actually met the man or had a simple phone conversation.

To me, this is a huge waste of time and energy. You are trying to build a relationship with a man who has never bothered to place a phone or video call… that says it all about his interest.

Edited November 21 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

When a man is interested in us he wants to hear our voice and see us. Even if a first attempt to call failed, an interested man would have tried again and again. 

Every interested man l came across wanted to hear my voice and videocall and meet asap. An interested man does not wait for you to offer a call. He makes it happen. 

You hang on to this man because you built a fantasy around him and to keep that fantasy alive you justify having never met and never spoken.

[NuevoYorko]

Wow.  This is way out there, @babybrowns.   

You are projecting wildly.  

You "felt a fondness" and have built a big fantasy on that feeling.   You have no reason to think he feels that way or that he has or ever had any real interest in you.  

 Yes, he asked to meet up when he happened to be going to see his mother - conveniently -  one time "back then" - and you didn't.  

If he felt "fondness" or even thought about you with interest at all, he would have contacted you when he moved closer.  It was OLD - people don't generally need a phone call or anything further in order to schedule a meeting. That's rationalization on your part.

If you keep pursuing this you are going to be disappointed and, judging from your posting history, then turn this on him as if he "did you wrong" somehow when it goes south, if anything ever were to happen.   

I'm sorry to be blunt but PLEASE take our collective word on this - there are not "signs" that anything is there outside of your hopeful imagination.

 

[ShyViolet]

It's obvious that his demeanor changed when he tried sexting you, and you did not match his sexual energy.  He got turned off by that and lost interest.  

In any case, this is a man who you have never met or even had a phone call with.  I'm not sure why you are spending so much time and energy on someone who is nothing but a fantasy.  If he wanted this to lead somewhere he would have taken concrete steps to meet up with you in person a long time ago.  

[smackie9]

He wanted what he wanted, and not what you wanted so soon... lose his number, block/delete. BTW chatting via text with a total stranger for months is no way to find yourself a man. Most guys that are willing to text for months are just putting you on the back burner waiting for an opportunity to sleep with you, get naked photos, telesex whatever. 

[basil67]

He's never even asked for a phone call or video chat - not even when he moved closer to you.   Outside of a bit of phone sex, he has absolutely no interest in forming a connection with you.    

[Esteban]

He cancelled the call so wait for him to propose a call or meet and if he doesn't soon move on.