do I support him as a friend or walk away from this?

[dahliasanddaisies]

Hi

I'd be so grateful for some advice please.

Background is I've had a long distance thing going on for many years with someone, on and off, as friends and more recently more.

Two years ago I cut contact asking him to come back only if he was willing to go forwards and move on together, which he did.

We've been talking this year, then he came down in May so we could decide what to do and we decided we couldn't be friends any more and to go for it.  He quickly arranged to come down for a few days for us to spend some proper time together.  Which we did.  And it was everything I'd hoped for.  things were absolutely amazing.  After he left, he booked another two trips for us to spend time together.

This is all in the background of him having history with mental health problems, abandonment problems (his ex GF moved countries with his son, and his dad left him when he was young).  He is currently homeless and bouncing between house sits and living with his Mum.  This all happened in the last couple of years.  Complicated.

 

So after booking these two trips with him, I felt like we were on stable ground and he was starting to face up to sorting out his problems.  I said to him I wanted to go forwards exclusively and then he freaked out.  It's not a question to me and I was shocked he even queried it to be honest.  We had a very long call which started with him panicking saying he wanted to meet up, both of us were in tears and then it finished in him saying he didn't know what to do and wanted a couple of weeks space to sort things out.

Two weeks given.

Last night we had the videocall following this space.

The upshot here was he wants to be friends as he hasn't got anything to give and wants the rest of the year to get himself ready to face next year and get some plans together.  He's not in a great place.  From my perspective we're not friends, and as much as I want to be there for him it hurts me to not continue with what we had.  I feel like the best thing to do here is walk away, but that's not supporting him at all.  

This is all very emotional and actually has been a big shock as I feel he's done a 180.  I feel crushed and blindsided by him going from telling me that he feels exactly the same as me, to him saying that he can't prioritise me because he has problems to fix.

Do I just walk away from this?  

Any advice would be so gratefully welcomed please, I haven't slept and feel sick, it's really completely upset me.  Thank you xx

[FMW]

A year or 2 into my current 5 year relationship, my guy, who also struggles with mental health issues, said something similar, that he was overwhelmed with his own issues and couldn't make me a priority.  I backed off, and within a few days his "freak out" was over, and things went back to normal. It's never been an issue again.

In our situation it was in response to his own feelings of what he was "supposed" to do for me (stepping in and taking charge of things, helping me with projects around my house, etc.), not to anything I said or did.   Being exclusive was something that naturally happened without having to talk about it.  So do you think his concern is about being exclusive, as in committing to only dating you, or because he has expectations, or thinks you do, that he isn't sure he can live up to?  It's understandable that he doesn't feel he has much to offer in the area of care-taking for another person when he isn't living independently.  

Did you discuss what being exclusive meant to you, as in what would change (beyond not being involved with other people)?

I would take some time and space and see if he calms down and reaches out to you.  But you have to be realistic about where he's at emotionally and what he is able to give to you or anyone else right now.  If he's not actively trying to improve his situation, including mentally, don't hang around waiting, it will only bring you more pain.

[dahliasanddaisies]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

A year or 2 into my current 5 year relationship, my guy, who also struggles with mental health issues, said something similar, that he was overwhelmed with his own issues and couldn't make me a priority.  I backed off, and within a few days his "freak out" was over, and things went back to normal. It's never been an issue again.

In our situation it was in response to his own feelings of what he was "supposed" to do for me (stepping in and taking charge of things, helping me with projects around my house, etc.), not to anything I said or did.   Being exclusive was something that naturally happened without having to talk about it.  So do you think his concern is about being exclusive, as in committing to only dating you, or because he has expectations, or thinks you do, that he isn't sure he can live up to?  It's understandable that he doesn't feel he has much to offer in the area of care-taking for another person when he isn't living independently.  

Did you discuss what being exclusive meant to you, as in what would change (beyond not being involved with other people)?

I would take some time and space and see if he calms down and reaches out to you.  But you have to be realistic about where he's at emotionally and what he is able to give to you or anyone else right now.  If he's not actively trying to improve his situation, including mentally, don't hang around waiting, it will only bring you more pain.

Hi FMW

Thanks so much for responding, and for letting me know about your situation.  It's nice to hear someone has had these things said to them before.

The only exclusive I meant was seeing other people while this goes along because we'd been getting close to being intimate and I don't like sharing.  I hadn't thought forward what that would look like as I'm happy pootling along seeing how we get on together.  After he came down he said being with me felt comfortable and right in all the ways and he hadn't expected to feel like that.

Before the break he said it was that he is terrified of commitment and that he struggles with his emotions - which has always been the case - and his emotions are particularly all over the place at the moment.  When I saw him last night he looked a mess.  He didn't look like he'd had a shower and he hasn't shaved since I last spoke to him.

After the break he's said that he's not in a good place to bring anyone in and he won't be able to prioritise me the way he should and he'll hate himself for it.  He says he needs to focus on getting his stuff into place as his whole life is upside down (job, home, family) but this is a solo battle.  He said things have gone way deeper with us now than they ever were before but he needs to put it in a box for now while he fixes things. 

Saying this he asked again if I'd be friends but I've been adamant that I won't be, because we're not friends.  I've told him I want to move on with my life and will put all my efforts into doing so.  I don't want to be a placeholder.  I'm in love with him unfortunately, he felt like home.

This morning I'm so upset.  I've messaged him to clarify whether it's about being exclusive or not being able to prioritise this at the moment.  I don't know why really.  I'm planning on sending him a closure email I guess because I want to get everything off my chest about how I felt about him, what I'd hoped for and that I hope he looks after himself.  I know it might not be a good thing to do but I feel like I need to.

Thank you xx

[NuevoYorko]

From the way you've described his situation, it appears that he's being honest when he says he has noting to give, and not being in a good place to bring anyone in.

The long distance friend thing would be manageable but day to day real life with responsibilities to another person, when his own affairs are in turmoil, probably felt like a tremendous amount of pressure to him.

I'm sorry - but I would make this a clean break. 

[IrinaM]

21 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

Two years ago I cut contact asking him to come back only if he was willing to go forwards and move on together, which he did.

Apparently he decided to disregard this request and waltz back into your life with no intentions to commit, dragging drama chaos and uncertainty with him. Why are you allowing this?

21 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

He is currently homeless and bouncing between house sits and living with his Mum. 

I'm sorry but this means he is ineligible for a relationship. Personally no I would not be friends with somebody so messed-up; our friends can really impact our lives.

[dahliasanddaisies]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

From the way you've described his situation, it appears that he's being honest when he says he has noting to give, and not being in a good place to bring anyone in.

The long distance friend thing would be manageable but day to day real life with responsibilities to another person, when his own affairs are in turmoil, probably felt like a tremendous amount of pressure to him.

I'm sorry - but I would make this a clean break. 

Hi, thank you for your perspective and kind words.  I kind of agree with you and hate to, but feel like it will be best for me and perhaps for him to really focus on pulling his life back together.  I feel for him a lot but we both know he's got a hard journey of pulling himself up in front of him.  He is desperate to remain friends, but for him this means being in touch a lot and being close and I feel like we've gone too far to step backwards, my feelings are greater than that now.  He said in our videocall that things have gone way deeper between us this time.  Saying that, I've said to him I'm here if he ever needs me.  I just hope he does the work instead of distracting himself from his trouble with work.  I think for my own feelings though I need to distance myself from it.  This feels like hard practice looking out for myself, I think there's a lesson to be learned for myself too.

 

[dahliasanddaisies]

1 hour ago, IrinaM said:

Apparently he decided to disregard this request and waltz back into your life with no intentions to commit, dragging drama chaos and uncertainty with him. Why are you allowing this?

I'm sorry but this means he is ineligible for a relationship. Personally no I would not be friends with somebody so messed-up; our friends can really impact our lives.

Hi, thanks for your reply.  He had all the intentions when he came back and addressed all the problems I walked away for last time.  I saw change in his actions and decided to give him a chance which worked out until I mentioned the word commitment.  He knows how I feel about the drama and chaos and he understands why I won't be friends with him and is very sorry and upset.  I don't feel I'm allowing this as I'm walking away again.

He is currently in a bad place as some bad things have happened.  Life does sadly, and we don't all react well to it.  He's supported me through a lot of loss and anxiety through the years, when I wasn't the best person.  And he never asked for anything from me or got angry with me.  He's never stopped supporting me no matter what he's been through.  He wasn't messed up when I met him.  He was refusing commitment which is the reason why we kept it at friends.  He has issues surrounding that so it was knocked on the head swiftly.  He's very successful in his career and incredibly hard working and driven, I admire a lot about him and wish parts of me were more similar to him.  As he does with me.

I agree our friends can really impact our lives, and I will keep up the separation between us while he's going through this unless things have changed and perhaps there may be a friendship down the road.  He may not be long distance forever, and I'd still be there for him if he needed me.

[dahliasanddaisies]

Thanks people, we talked some yesterday as I was really upset and wanted to clarify some things.  He's reiterated he needs to solve things on his own at the moment and he doesn't have anything to give to me.  He also says he never wants to lose me from his life and my friendship.  I've said I'm sorry I can't be there for him as a friend as my feelings won't allow it but I understand where he's at and am here if he needs anything.  I also said I hope he learns something about his boundaries and respecting other peoples, which I think upset him - he thinks I think very little of him.  He knows I value him but there's a lot more he needs to do if he wants me in his life.

Ugh I hate this and it's making me incredibly sad.  but I do feel like I've done the right thing and that I'm choosing myself.  Life sucks sometimes.  It's not what I was expecting when I was growing up xx

[NuevoYorko]

x

 

Edited October 31 by NuevoYorko

[ShyViolet]

You have done the right thing in distancing yourself from this.  You need to stop thinking that you can "help" him with his problems.  You can't.  His life is a mess and he is not in a place to be able to have a relationship.  So do what is best for you.

[Leihla_B]

11 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

He's very successful in his career and incredibly hard working and driven,

Yet he can't afford himself a home? What's his barrier to that?

My heart goes out to you. I think you're wise to distance yourself. You cannot live your own life to the fullest while orbiting someone else. That's being in love with hope, and it can reduce you to living at half-mast.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[NuevoYorko]

15 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

He's very successful in his career and incredibly hard working and driven,

So he's  homeless because he prefers it that way?   

[dahliasanddaisies]

4 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Yet he can't afford himself a home? What's his barrier to that?

My heart goes out to you. I think you're wise to distance yourself. You cannot live your own life to the fullest while orbiting someone else. That's being in love with hope, and it can reduce you to living at half-mast.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

He is currently working between 4 different places and moved out of his last place.  He's not sure where he's going to settle yet.  He'd completed his masters and got turned down for a PhD, is working in the field he's trained in but has been struggling with his mental health and as his job is self employed, has been struggling to work consistently.  He's been on a bit of a spiral I think.

Thank you for your words, I'm very appreciative of you taking the time to reply and for your kind support.  This community has been invaluable to me and the advice helps greatly.  I live on my own and don't really have family around although have some great friends.

It does help writing as it kind of makes things make sense, if that makes sense.

[dahliasanddaisies]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

So he's  homeless because he prefers it that way?   

No, he moved out of his last place and took on work in several different cities.  I think he's struggling with his mental health, and he's had some down time at his mum's.  He got turned down to do a PhD which has knocked his confidence, but he doesn't seem to be getting back up and fighting back at the moment.

[basil67]

I understand your concern about not being able to support him, but given he's pushing you away, it doesn't sound like he wants your support. 

Is he taking proactive steps with his mental health, such as seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist?   

[dahliasanddaisies]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I understand your concern about not being able to support him, but given he's pushing you away, it doesn't sound like he wants your support. 

Is he taking proactive steps with his mental health, such as seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist?   

Yes he's on medication and under a therapist, he's doing meditation and yoga, was going to the gym. He's pretty much isolated himself and says he needs a couple of months to get himself together. He's desperate for me to remain his friend and has cried saying he never wants to lose me. It was horrible.

[Acacia98]

You're doing the right thing (by distancing yourself). And he did the right thing (by ending the relationship). He really wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship. I hope that you will both find strength and peace and happiness in your solo journeys.

Edited November 1 by Acacia98

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

He's desperate for me to remain his friend and has cried saying he never wants to lose me. It was horrible.

Well if him "losing you" as a friend is what YOU need to do for your own mental health and well being, then that's what you need to stick with.  And he doesn't have the right to emotionally manipulate you like this.  It's YOUR choice whether to stay involved with him.  And right now it sounds like staying in his life is toxic for you and something you need to detach yourself from.

[dahliasanddaisies]

17 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Well if him "losing you" as a friend is what YOU need to do for your own mental health and well being, then that's what you need to stick with.  And he doesn't have the right to emotionally manipulate you like this.  It's YOUR choice whether to stay involved with him.  And right now it sounds like staying in his life is toxic for you and something you need to detach yourself from.

Thank you, it feels like it is.  It does all sound one sided for the benefits of friendship he's getting but he supported me through a very difficult situation and helped me grow to manage it well over the years.  This is why I feel like I'm abandoning him, but as you point out staying in his life is toxic for me and he has hurt me.

[dahliasanddaisies]

Thanks to everyone who has responded.  This is quite an emotional time for me and I feel up and down every day at the moment.  It will pass, and hopefully we'll both come out the other side better people.  I'm working on my coping skills and upgrading my human skills!  And feedback from you guys here has really helped, particularly with the long quiet nights.

Breakups truly suck and although maybe this isn't a traditional breakup I feel like I've got a lot to learn from it, which essentially makes it worth it.

[dahliasanddaisies]

Would I be crazy to message him.asking if there's anything we can talk through together?

I feel like I left it decisively, but I wish I'd talked through his reasons for being terrified of commitment and whether he genuinely needs time to sort himself out and should we take things as they come for a couple months?

But then I don't know if this is my emotions talking. Help 😭

[NuevoYorko]

Believe and respect what he has told you.  If he feels like the two of you need to "talk things through" he will let you know.  

Sorry that this is blunt - but the two of you seem to be so enmeshed in a codependent relationship that he's sure to be showing up.  You've made your  availability to him clear enough.   

[dahliasanddaisies]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Believe and respect what he has told you.  If he feels like the two of you need to "talk things through" he will let you know.  

Sorry that this is blunt - but the two of you seem to be so enmeshed in a codependent relationship that he's sure to be showing up.  You've made your  availability to him clear enough.   

Thank you. I will keep re-reading this. At work when my mind wanders I'm thinking of him and vacillating between shutting off his behaviour and missing him, contacting him and blocking him. I'm surprised by how all over the place I am.

Thanks for being gentle. I agree maybe there is something wrong with this relationship, and I'm determined to read some books to work through things for myself. I really hope he would come and talk if he wanted to, I keep telling myself that if he feels he's made a mistake he'll get in touch.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, dahliasanddaisies said:

. I agree maybe there is something wrong with this relationship

Maybe?   You want to be in a romantic relationship, he wants to be friends (I'm not sure exactly what that looks like).  

That's a big problem.   You don't need to analyze it much.  

What you do need, though, is to organize yourself and your life so this person is not such a central, crucial part of it.   If I've understood correctly it's a long distance, online "friendship" that recently took a turn for the romantic and then quickly pivoted away from that direction.   

I do realize that you have strong feelings about him, but I believe that you are going to find yourself capable of moving on quite well if you so choose.

[dahliasanddaisies]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Maybe?   You want to be in a romantic relationship, he wants to be friends (I'm not sure exactly what that looks like).  

That's a big problem.   You don't need to analyze it much.  

What you do need, though, is to organize yourself and your life so this person is not such a central, crucial part of it.   If I've understood correctly it's a long distance, online "friendship" that recently took a turn for the romantic and then quickly pivoted away from that direction.   

I do realize that you have strong feelings about him, but I believe that you are going to find yourself capable of moving on quite well if you so choose.

Well yes, I kind of meant the dynamic between us. I'm finding it hard because for the last few months he's finally said things I've wanted to hear from him for years, and now he's turned round and said its just friends. I initially said if we weren't exclusive I didn't want to continue, or be friends. He demanded to see me immediately face to face then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days and he'd changed. Friends for him means daily texting and spending time together without a label. Hard no. 

He's always refused to tell me anything that's not true and this time he said it all apart from the word love. And now he's run away. My head is still spinning and trying to make sense of what's just happened.

Things have been romantic before, but when he's said he can't commit I turned it to friends, successfully I thought. I had a relationship with someone else, and he went on a lot of 'dates'. He came back after a 2 year break and travelled over to see me, then it just exploded.

I guess I'm concerned that I read the signs wrong and am trying to get it straight in my head so I never make this mistake again. Because I feel like I've wasted 7 years of feelings.  Also I've had 2 long term relationships, both with guys who were heavily avoidant and had the same abandonment problems with awful father's.

In fact I'm feeling like there's something I need to learn here as I seem to keep repeating the same relationship!

Thank you for messaging. I'm really finding this tough. I'm a single mum so have to spend evenings in the house with my own company, not the best thing at the mo!