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Is it right for my boyfriend to benefit from money I make?


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SabrinaBlue1995

I am living with my boyfriend and have been for the past year. Something has been bugging me and I wanted to get some genuine impartial opinions. We are both lucky enough to own our own seperate properties without a mortage. I own a flat and he owns a house where we live (he actually also owns a second property himself, a flat which he rents out). He's very money focused, as he grew up poor (his words) and wants to make sure he can create various forms of income so he can look after himself when he's old and retired. When we first spoke about moving in it was very practicality focused speaking about how we could split the cost of bills and rent either my flat or his house out. We decided I'd move in with him and rent my flat out purely as his house was bigger. Somewhere along the line, before I moved in,  we decided it was fair to split the money I made from the rent, I get £700 a month and he gets £300. 

However I can't help but feel over time that this is unfair, he earns £80k p.a from his job and I earn £33k p.a. He also has the second income of £1,000 a month from his flat and then the £300 I give him from mine. We split all bills and expenses equally including when we go out for meals and date nights. 

He talks about wanting to buy another property together, another flat to rent out and he's already saved enough for his half where as I'm probably 2 or 3 years off from saving the same amount. I've actually took on a part time job to boost my savings a bit. In the meantime he's thinking of buying a flat on his own whilst he waits for me to save up. I can't help but feel a little ridiculous each month sending him £300 when he's on nearly triple the salary I am and has plenty of savings in the bank. I'm 7 years younger than him with less earning potential and it feels a little greedy on his part. 

On the flip side I know if the shoe was on the other foot and he'd moved in with me and rented his house out, it may have felt unfair to me that he was the only want benefiting so I can understand that point. I'm also aware if we weren't living together I wouldn't be making any money renting it out and I'd be paying more money on bills. I'm also aware that these are very minor problems to have and I'm extremely lucky to own a property mortgage free. I guess its the fact he's on so much more money and already owns a second property that's the hang up for me? I don't understand why he wouldn't want me to keep all the money so I can save faster and potentially not need to work my second job? Am I being unfair?

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Weezy1973
36 minutes ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

Am I being unfair?

It sounds like the split of your rent was something you both agreed to. That being said, the problem here is that you’re in a position where you’re living together, but not married. And to me it seems like your finances as a couple are kind of in between being married and dating. Partially your finances are blended and partially not. That can be confusing. 
 

It also seems like you both are making sound financial decisions for your future, which is great. It’s not like he’s blowing all the money - he’s saving and wanting to invest it. Same as you. 
 

In the long run, I don’t think it matters that you pay him from the rent you’re collecting. It seems like you’re on the path to marriage so it’s all going in the pot one way or another. But you could talk to him. Tell him exactly the same thing you said here - you want to save faster for your have if the property you want to buy together. 

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SabrinaBlue1995
4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

In the long run, I don’t think it matters that you pay him from the rent you’re collecting. It seems like you’re on the path to marriage so it’s all going in the pot one way or another.

Thank you for your comment it was really helpful. I think particularly what you said here struck a cord with me. When we moved in for me it was an emotional decision in that I wanted to progress the relationship. I think he did too but the financial benefit side was his focus or at least what he spoke about more.
Also I really want to get married whereas he doesn’t. He’s made that plain and said he potentially would do it in future with a pre-nup and only having being together a much longer time (we’ve been together 3 years). However I have my doubts as to if he actually will. Maybe that’s why this also feels a bit strange. 

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4 hours ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

, he earns £80k p.a from his job and I earn £33k p.a.

No no no no...........heck no!

He earns 2.5 more than you do and you have to pay half of everything?? You are being exploited !!! Why do you give him half of your rent revenue?

A fair agreement is you pay prorata! How can you ever get ahead financially when you earn less than half! and you have to pay 50% of your common expenses. 

If the man I date earns 2.5 more than I do, you bet I am not paying half of everything! He can afford restaurants and travels I could never afford so if he wants me to follow him he's got to consider my financial means are nowhere equal to his! 

 

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SabrinaBlue1995
14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

He earns 2.5 more than you do and you have to pay half of everything?? You are being exploited !!! Why do you give him half of your rent revenue?

 

@Gaeta thank you for your comment. I think this is my concern as well. I think in the past he’s had girlfriends in bad financial positions and he’s basically paid everything for them. He sees me as a very financially fortunate person in comparison, which I am. However paying 50/50 on everything when he’s earning 2.5 does seem a bit greedy of him. And to be honest I can’t wrap my head around him happily taking £300 each month from my rent whilst also collecting £1,000 from his own flat. He’s benefiting from two rental incomes whilst I’m benefiting from half of my own.
I like the fact I can be independent and pay for myself but I feel like he’s perhaps taking advantage and not realising it. I agreed with it because he said moving in together should financially benefit both of us. However, I think the fact he’s earning £80k and taking  £4,000 a year from me whilst I work two jobs and pay 50/50 on everything does feel really greedy on his part to be honest. 
I understand he has a major issue with money in terms of growing up poor and wanting to secure his future though and feel like this is part of it.

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Why did you agree to all this? You knew it was unfair. When we're in a relationship we cannot be afraid of rocking the boat once in a while. 

Splitting everything in the middle is not a relationship, it's a business deal. This man is  more focused on advancing himself financially than being kind and fair to you. One year of this slavery is enough! Personally I would not date a man like that, it would scare me so much to link myself to a man who is incapable of generosity toward the woman he supposedly loves. For you, I will suggest to take an appointment with a financial advisor and see with them what is a fair agreement between you and your boyfriend.  

It doesn't matter why he's like this. He's an adult, he should know right from wrong and this is wrong. 

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SabrinaBlue1995
4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why did you agree to all this? You knew it was unfair. When we're in a relationship we cannot be afraid of rocking the boat once in a while. 

@GaetaI think the answer is insecurity on my side most likely. 
I think a lot of what you have written is correct to be honest and I need to have a serious think about this, thank you for taking the time to give your opinion, it’s much appreciated.

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In my opinion, this arrangement isn’t fair to you. Your BF’s attitude comes across as somewhat greedy and stingy.

He earns way more money than you do. It’s not fair that you split everything 50/50. And collecting a part of the rent money you receive just appears petty to me.

 

 

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Just to be clear, are you paying rent for living in his place or are you living rent-free? I know you said you split expenses 50-50, but I'm not sure if that includes you paying rent or not. Considering he isn't paying a mortgage, I'm guessing that you're living rent-free?

If you are living rent-free, I actually think this financial arrangement is reasonable. The reason you are able to get rental income from your apartment is because you are living in another apartment: his. If you weren't, you wouldn't get any income at all from renting your place out, so it sounds like you're benefiting $700 a month from this relationship, which is a pretty decent deal IMO.

If you're already paying rent to live at his apartment then he's being ridiculous and I would seriously reconsider things if I were you.

Also, how long have you been together?

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34 minutes ago, Els said:

so it sounds like you're benefiting $700 a month from this relationship, which is a pretty decent deal

How is she benefiting $700 a month?  She gives half her rent revenue to him. He gives 0 to her. She had to take 2 other jobs to keep up with him. 

She's not benefiting at all if her extra little money goes into paying half his big utility bill. She moved from a condo to a house. A house is expensive to heat and maintain. Is she also paying half his city tax? 

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ShyViolet
15 hours ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

Somewhere along the line, before I moved in,  we decided it was fair to split the money I made from the rent, I get £700 a month and he gets £300. 

Why on earth should he get half of the rental money from your property?  This is just really strange and I don't understand why you agreed to this.  That is YOUR money, it's bizarre that you're handing half of it over to him every month.

It would be fair for you to contribute to expenses for the home you are living with him.  Like split food expenses and utilities.  But not this bizarre arrangement that you have.  He sounds very stingy with his money and that's not a good quality.

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I'm also confused about the rationale behind you giving him some of the money from your rental property. When you agreed to this, what was your reasoning?

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18 hours ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

Also I really want to get married whereas he doesn’t. He’s made that plain and said he potentially would do it in future with a pre-nup

How do you really feel about this? Seems like you're more a source of income for him than a part of his long-term picture.

14 hours ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

I understand he has a major issue with money in terms of growing up poor and wanting to secure his future

It's not about having grown up poor, it's about being miserly, and the poverty-stricken background story is trotted out to justify his niggardly habits . He's treating you like someone he's renting a room to, he has no mortgage so he's making a tidy profit from you. This is not what someone who loves you and cares about your financial future would do, they would want you to stack that cash away for your second property. He's acting like someone who sees you as temporary, and I don't know so much that it's about him being greedy as him just plain using you. 

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The way I read it she doesn’t pay rent for living in his house. So the 300£ from her flat ARE basically rent. Doesn‘t matter where the money comes from. But please correct me if I‘m wrong. 

300£ for living in a house is a steal imho. So I personally can’t see anything wrong with the deal per se. 

However …. splitting EVERYTHING equally when he earns so much more seems greedy to me. I would at least expect him to pay more when it comes to expenses like food shopping, going out etc. It‘s a relationship after all … not an arrangement with housemates. 

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10 minutes ago, LauraXX said:

The way I read it she doesn’t pay rent for living in his house. So the 300£ from her flat ARE basically rent. Doesn‘t matter where the money comes from.

I thought about that too, but somehow the arrangement itself strikes me as weird and petty. Why not just suggest to the OP that she pay for groceries and household stuff and such, and dispense with the rent talk altogether?

That’s what I do, I pay the rent (I don’t own the apartment) but my fiancée pays for groceries and stuff. I find it fair because, even though monthly rent is more than the sum of groceries and such, I earn almost twice more than her.

I also come from a poor family, struggled financially a lot in my youth, and am a saver, not a spender, so I understand where that guy is coming from. But I still think he is being overly mistrustful and protective with that arrangement.

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He is mortgage free, why should she pay him a rent? She's his girlfriend not a roomer!  The property is entirely his and it's gaining in value every year that goes by. When he sells it he will be the only one benefiting from the net profit he'll make. Why not let her also benefit from living rent-free. As of now, he put her in a situation she has to have 3 jobs to meet all he wants her to pay. 

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I think you have a bigger problem than the financial one you describe here, OP. Your guy is rather selfish and you're rather accommodating, which is never a good combination. I suspect you will wake up one day and realize he's getting everything he wants out of the relationship while you're getting less than 50% of what you want.

While you're thinking about the money matters, you might want to take the time to assess the relationship as a whole and figure out whether it's right for you.

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On 10/29/2024 at 6:27 AM, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

He talks about wanting to buy another property together,

I would not do this. He's already made clear that he's not marriage-minded, and you've discovered that you are not content. So you currently have a way to split cleanly, whereas tying up your money with him in an investment property makes no sense. It sounds as though you will regret that, and it would be a mess to get out of.

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SabrinaBlue1995

Sorry for the delay in coming back. To be honest reading these comments has been a bit scary. Obviously it’s opened my eyes a bit. I don’t like the thought that it is like me paying him a rent like a flatmate.
I think the reason I agreed to it is I wanted to move in together and I saw us as being together forever, him being the one etc. It felt like we where doing this as a team and that we should both benefit from the money I was making, as I suppose in a way, as a previous poster mentioned “it was going into the same pot eventually”. I guess in my mind I felt like we were going to get married or already were in this really serious relationship.

I think all these concerns started when I realised he didn’t want to get married. Then it started to feel weird to me.

He says I’m the person he wants to be with long term and we do have a really healthy relationship day to day, he is very caring of my feelings and is emotionally very supportive. We both clean and cook for each other equally and all of that and it feels like a very equal relationship. He says he just doesn’t believe in marriage and I think this relates to a lot of his friends being divorced and losing everything which I can understand, that’s how the prenup came into the conversation. Still however he doesn’t seem convinced and says in the future after a few more years. We’ve been together 3 years already. 

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1 hour ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

Sorry for the delay in coming back. To be honest reading these comments has been a bit scary. Obviously it’s opened my eyes a bit. I don’t like the thought that it is like me paying him a rent like a flatmate.
I think the reason I agreed to it is I wanted to move in together and I saw us as being together forever, him being the one etc. It felt like we where doing this as a team and that we should both benefit from the money I was making, as I suppose in a way, as a previous poster mentioned “it was going into the same pot eventually”. I guess in my mind I felt like we were going to get married or already were in this really serious relationship.

I think all these concerns started when I realised he didn’t want to get married. Then it started to feel weird to me.

He says I’m the person he wants to be with long term and we do have a really healthy relationship day to day, he is very caring of my feelings and is emotionally very supportive. We both clean and cook for each other equally and all of that and it feels like a very equal relationship. He says he just doesn’t believe in marriage and I think this relates to a lot of his friends being divorced and losing everything which I can understand, that’s how the prenup came into the conversation. Still however he doesn’t seem convinced and says in the future after a few more years. We’ve been together 3 years already. 

You know, a man can be wonderful, kind, generous, etc. but still not be the right person for you because you are incompatible on something that's a deal-breaker for both of you. So my suggestion to you is to be very honest with yourself about how you will feel if a few years go by and he decides he still does not want to get married. Will you be resentful? Will you feel as if you were potentially cheated out of valuable time?

Remember, this guy is not being dishonest with you. Granted, he's trying to keep you hopeful by saying he may change his mind about marriage after a few years. But if you hang on to hope and end up being disappointed, you won't be able to claim he lied to you. Saying, "I might feel different about marriage after a few years," is the same as saying, "I might not feel different about marriage after a few years." Whatever decision you ultimately make, make it with your eyes wide open and make sure you are ready to accept and deal with any negative consequences.

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1 hour ago, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

and we do have a really healthy relationship day to day, he is very caring of my feelings and is emotionally very supportive.

Then sit down and tell him you feel this arrangement is unfair and you want something fair for both of you so the road to that is a prorata agreement. Your revenue is 33K and his is 88K. Your salary represent 37.5% of his, that means when the utility bill comes in and it's $500 your part is $187.50 and he pays the rest. It's same calculation for all the bills you are sharing. You do NOT pay his city taxes, roof replacement, or any renovation to the house as you will  not benefit from it when the house is sold. 

SabrinaBlue: Do you really want to be with a man that is still bitter over his past mistakes? Why should you pay for his childhood and divorce drama? He picked a partner in the past that paid for nothing, so why you got to live the consequences of that? 

Equal relationships are like castle of cards, they fall eventually. Relationships are about give and take. This arrangement you have to pay all in half, even your dates! That is not the agreement from a man in love. It's an agreement from a man that doesn't trust he's with you forever and wants to make sure he's not losing 1 penny over another woman. What if you lose your job and end up with no revenue for 6 months? You're gonna have to pay him back? And you said something he wants to make sure he can look after himself after he's retired.........Why isn't he talking in terms of *we* ?

Is he much older than  you?

Sounds like you saw a road to be with him and that road was not your love for one another, that road was his financial benefits. 

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While you live with him - I agree to you paying half… but there is no way you should be co tributing money to him from the property you own!

he doesn’t pay you a portion of the other properties he owns, right?

and I would never buy WITH him! Buy your next properties on your own!

you aren’t married! You are basically his room mate! He’s treated you as such.

protect YOURSELF! Stop thinking you owe him - more than taking care of yourself! 

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On 10/29/2024 at 6:27 AM, SabrinaBlue1995 said:

He talks about wanting to buy another property together,

You don't ever, ever buy property together with someone who you aren't married to, and aren't in a super-solid long term relationship with.

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On 10/30/2024 at 2:06 AM, LauraXX said:

The way I read it she doesn’t pay rent for living in his house. So the 300£ from her flat ARE basically rent. Doesn‘t matter where the money comes from. But please correct me if I‘m wrong. 

300£ for living in a house is a steal imho. So I personally can’t see anything wrong with the deal per se. 

Well if that's the case, then they shouldn't call it half of her rental income that she's giving him, they should just call it "rent".

I agree that she should be paying some sort of "rent" for living there.  A working person shouldn't get to live in someone else's house without contributing whatsoever financially.  Whether they are in a romantic relationship or not.  But this arrangement of half the rental income makes no sense.

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24 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I agree that she should be paying some sort of "rent" for living there

Then she should go back living in her own apartment that is mortgage free. They are both mortgage free, why should he charge her rent? She can contribute to the groceries, insurance, utilities, Internet, cable, etc. That's contributing. There is no point of her having a paid off  home and then go pay rent at a boyfriend. 

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