Insignificantdetails Posted Sunday at 10:10 PM Share Posted Sunday at 10:10 PM I've been platonic friends with a man I've known since I was 13 years old. As kids we were the best of friends. In our 20s we both moved to Italy and ended up holidaying together once a year, either with mutual friends or partners. In the last two years, visiting each other had fallen to me although he kept saying he'd come and visit (2 hour flight). Then the last time I saw him he'd separated from his partner, was seeing someone new and struggling with a family death. He also spent quite a lot of our time on the phone which I found rude and called out, which he didn't like. After the last trip he contacted me a few times about quite innocent topics like sending me movie recommendations he thought I'd like and asking after my family. Then nothing. All replies stopped in January. I had a feeling I was being ghosted but it wasn't until I saw online that he'd been in my city for 3 days and hadn't looked me up I knew he really was ghosting.. So I sent a message 5 days ago acknowledging the silence on his end and saying the door was open in the future to reconnect But I feel heartbroken. Cried my eyes out today like someone died. Keep blaming myself and wondering what I've done wrong. Had anyone been through similar? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted Monday at 03:04 AM Share Posted Monday at 03:04 AM (edited) 4 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: ...the last time I saw him he'd separated from his partner, was seeing someone new and struggling with a family death. He also spent quite a lot of our time on the phone which I found rude and called out, which he didn't like. My heart goes out to you. This sounds like a few things prior to your last visit had culminated in a perfect storm of stress for him. Add housing a guest. Add the guest calling him out for his phone time, and that may have tipped a scale for him. How did he react to that? Quote After the last trip he contacted me a few times about quite innocent topics like sending me movie recommendations he thought I'd like and asking after my family. Then nothing. All replies stopped in January. Sounds like he may have reached out in a few attempts to overcome whatever may have soured him during your visit. Had you also been contacting him during this time? How did the conversations go, did they flow normally? Was the 'calling him out' thing ever resolved? Edited Monday at 03:04 AM by Leihla_B 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Insignificantdetails Posted Monday at 08:06 AM Author Share Posted Monday at 08:06 AM (edited) 5 hours ago, Leihla_B said: My heart goes out to you. This sounds like a few things prior to your last visit had culminated in a perfect storm of stress for him. Add housing a guest. Add the guest calling him out for his phone time, and that may have tipped a scale for him. How did he react to that? Sounds like he may have reached out in a few attempts to overcome whatever may have soured him during your visit. Had you also been contacting him during this time? How did the conversations go, did they flow normally? Was the 'calling him out' thing ever resolved? Hi Leihla, thanks for your reply. When I went to visit I stayed at his home in the first night and at a hotel the rest of the time. In the moment he didn't react well to being called out on the phone thing but then he stopped doing it for the rest of the trip. First, he contacted me. I replied, all as normal. Then he contacted again, I got the flu and was very sick with it, which lead to a delay in replying for two weeks. I apologised explaining my illness. But two weeks isn't unusual for us. And yes the conversation flowed normally. He does seem to be disgruntled after my last visit. What has thrown me off is the fact he contacted me as normal after it. And why not tell me he was upset or that certain things had bothered him? It hurts that a 20 year friendship isn't worth a conversation. If he was angry or upset with me I would have liked the chance to resolve things. Edited Monday at 08:07 AM by Insignificantdetails Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted Monday at 03:40 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:40 PM (edited) 7 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: When I went to visit I stayed at his home in the first night and at a hotel the rest of the time. What prompted the move to a hotel, was that planned in advance? Quote In the moment he didn't react well to being called out on the phone thing but then he stopped doing it for the rest of the trip. What does not reacting well mean? What did he say and do? How did you respond? Was there an argument? Did this happen in private or in front of anyone? Is this incident what resulted in the move to the hotel? How long was your trip, and how much time did you spend together during your hotel stay? How much of that time was one-on-one, and how much involved other people? Quote First, he contacted me. I replied, all as normal. Then he contacted again, I got the flu and was very sick with it, which lead to a delay in replying for two weeks. I apologised explaining my illness. But two weeks isn't unusual for us. And yes the conversation flowed normally. He does seem to be disgruntled after my last visit. What has thrown me off is the fact he contacted me as normal after it. How long between your trip and his last contact in January? Yeah, it sounds like the visit was the source of the problem, and he reached out afterward to see how well he could 'normalize' and whether he could go back to feeling comfortable with the friendship. While he may have found the two week delay in your response forgivable after your explanation, during that delay he may have been stewing with discomfort, interpreting it as punishment from you. He may have used that time to stoke flames that might have otherwise died down. So yes, he may have attempted 'usual' conversation, but apparently, that effort failed for him. Quote And why not tell me he was upset or that certain things had bothered him? It hurts that a 20 year friendship isn't worth a conversation. If he was angry or upset with me I would have liked the chance to resolve things. I understand, it hurts. He may have been reaching out since the trip to learn whether an apology from you would be forthcoming. He may view himself as an injured party. Whether that's legitimate or not, he viewed your visit through an amplified lens of grief and stress, which likely inflated his perception of the degree and the significance of the discord between you. A grieving person doesn't expect admonishment from someone who had been otherwise viewed as supportive. That probably struck him hard. Would you consider writing him a heartfelt apology in a card, then use snail mail? Of course, this would not include any attempt to navigate your point of view--that's not an apology, it's negotiation, which is not a place to start if the goal is to open him back up to resuming communication. It's not that your POV doesn't matter, it's just not a useful bridge to ever being able to discuss it later. The only expressions worth sending to an estranged person are how much they matter to you, what they mean to you, how much you love them, how much you miss them, and how sorry you are for what you did to upset them. That needs to be specific and contain an understanding of how you could have viewed things differently and handled it better. If you're up for an extra ooomph, send flowers. Again, my heart goes out to you. Edited Monday at 03:52 PM by Leihla_B Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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