Boyfriend sometimes disappears for days and comes back like nothing happened?

[Permanentedamage]

I am 25, he is 32. We've been dating for  a year (we had a break in between because I broke up since around 4/5 months he started to pull away, becoming flaky and all), the first months were magical - honeymoon phase, of course it was. He admitted he was in love with me and never felt like he did with me. He did talk about his childhood, difficult relationship with his father.. he didn't talk to him for 4 years (his own decision) even though they lived under the same roof. He even told me how 7,8 years ago he was very hurt in love and said to himself he will never give his heart away like that again. I though we were a good couple, but eventually I had to break up after him becoming very distant etc., this happened after our first conflict and me threatening to break up (he is very avoidant when it comes to conflict, and usually when we have one he takes space for a few days), during our break up he would post sad songs, breadcrumb me and even reached out when he was wasted drunk once. We eventually came back but he was only okay for one month and then he started being distant again, he would disappear for 4,5 days and then coming back like everything is fine. He is never cold with me, he is always affectionate, always kind, and when I ask him the reason he says it's because he gets stressed and overwhelmed with work, or he feels drained and has no energy, it also happens when he gets sick (doesn't disappear for days but maybe text once or twice during the day). One time he disappeared because his brother ended up in jail (I can't say here the reason but it was nothing too major or illegal), and he got back to me after 5 days and he said how he doesn't want to drag anyone down with him and he wants to solve his problem alone.

Now.. I am wondering why is this happening? Is this his coping mehanism? Or is this DEFENSE mehanism from love and maybe it's not even interested with me anymore? Last time he disappeared I threatened to break up and that we are gonna be done forever but he came back like I didn't even say that and acted like everything is okay. I really thought about a lot of stuff.. does he have PTSD, or some bipolar II disorder? Or depression? He was very present last year, the first months of our relationship, he was very obsessed with me. But after our first conflict everything changed.. even though we were on and off for sometime he is still here and I think he would've accepted the break up days ago if that's what he wanted, so I don't think that is about me and his feelings for me? Is he scared of getting attached like he said at the beginning of the relationship? I do know for a fact he has some kind of avoidant personality, in general, not only when it comes to intimacy and love.. but I am exhausted.. I love him very much though.

[Gebidozo]

You threatened to break up with him (and actually did break up with him) because he was “avoiding conflict”, and now you’re wondering what is wrong with him?

I wouldn’t date a woman who threatens to break up with me, to say nothing of actually doing that, especially after only a few months of dating.

I’m wondering why is he staying with you at all after that.

Edited September 25 by Gebidozo

[Permanentedamage]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You threatened to break up with him (and actually did break up with him) because he was “avoiding conflict”, and now you’re wondering what is wrong with him?

I wouldn’t date a woman who threatens to break up with me, to say nothing of actually doing that, especially after only a few months of dating.

I’m wondering why is he staying with you at all after that.

I threteaned to break up because he disappeared for a day and I wanted an explanation! We are dating, you can't just disappear on me? Eventually he said it's because of work and he was stressed. Insteda of communicating he rather pull away.

 

 And of course, now that he got comfortable after a year, he disappears for even more days because he gets stressed easily while he ignores my texts and all, who is in the wrong here? He can't just disappear and comes back like I am not his girlfriend. If it's some sort of trauma response or he avoids close people when he gets stressed he should communicate that, not making me panic everytime.

 

I do not think he is cheating or that he is a player, or otherwise he would at least use for s** and he knows exactly I am not okay when he disappears. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It could be a combination of many things: trauma, mental health, avoidant tendencies, seeing someone else, fading interest. The list goes on and we won't really be able to provide a definitive answer.  I dated a man like this years ago, and it was positively draining.

What matters is that this isn't working for you, and he is clearly not going to provide the sort of communication and consistency you (understandably) expect. Rather than twist yourself into knots, I would respectfully let him go. He isn't the right one for you. 

[Georgia46]

He is emotionally unavailable. 
 

the only way this would work is if you were of a similar personality type but it doesn’t look like you are. 
 

I would also let him go.    

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Permanentedamage said:

I threteaned to break up because he disappeared for a day and I wanted an explanation! We are dating, you can't just disappear on me? Eventually he said it's because of work and he was stressed. Insteda of communicating he rather pull away.

 

By “disappear”, you mean literally stopped communicating with you completely without any warning or explanation? Didn’t reply your texts or calls for a day, even though he could?

And he doesn’t think that it’s strange and that he should stop doing that to his girlfriend? He hasn’t made any progress and keeps disappearing even more?

If so, then I believe breaking up with him would be the the only solution. 

[Gaeta]

Your boyfriend has a series of mental issues that makes him unreliable. Nothing will change how he is. Not your love, not your threats or ultimatums. If you stay with him your future will be filled with more of this. You will never ever be able to count on him. Can you really imagine a future with this man? Him disappearing days when you need his help at home, or disappearing days leaving you with all the family responsibilities. This is not a partner. This is an ankle ball you're pulling around. It's time to breakup.

Edited September 25 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Dump him and all your problems will be gone. 

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, Permanentedamage said:

does he have PTSD, or some bipolar II disorder? Or depression? 

I'm not sure why you would think we can speculate on what issues he may have, and it's also not your place to try and psychoanalyze him.  The bottom line is that he has this pattern of behavior where he acts distant, flaky and disappears on you with no explanation.  You've already had to break up with him once over it.  You can't change a person.  This is the way he is and he is very unlikely to change.  If you aren't ok with being in a relationship with someone who behaves this way, then you'll need to end the relationship.

[basil67]

We cannot diagnose your boyfriend.  What we can do is work with you to figure out if this is a relationship worth staying in.  And part of that equation is his behaviour

One thing I will say is that you're being unreasonable complaining about minimal contact when he's sick. Are you really expecting frequent contact when he feels like death?  Heck, when my partner get properly sick, he disappears up to the bed and makes it very clear that he needs to be ALONE.  

[BaileyB]

Who cares why he does it.

This is a Bayern of behavior for him. If you don’t like it, you need to end the relationship.

None of this… I really love him, so I’ve tolerated this kind of behavior… Very few people would be ok with their relationship partner disappearing for days at a time with no communication. You can love him and still say - this kind of behavior is not acceptable to me, I need to end this relationship. 

[Leihla_B]

He's not willing to discuss his behavior, much less change it, so he's positioned you to decide whether to take it or leave it.

He's shown you that you can't count on him, so you'll need to decide how much of your time you'll want to spend living with such exhaustion and anxiety.

My heart goes out to you.