LauraG01 Posted September 23 Share Posted September 23 Hello everyone, So this is my first time posting and I'm truly confused right now. I just found out that my daughter had sex with a family friend who lives one street over from us. She tells me that she is "in love" with him and that he is her boyfriend. The problem is that this boy just turned 18 and just began his first year of college, which I think is too old for her. (She is 14 and just started her first year of high school). I explained to her that he is simply too old for her and she needs to quit seeing him anymore. I also spoke to the boy and explained the same thing to him. I even threatened to tell his parents if it continues. Well, after a short time I noticed them still hanging out together behind my back, and even caught them making out. I told them I was serious and it was 3 strikes and you're out and if I catch them again I would get his parents involved. So far, so good, but I think they still might be meeting in secret, although I haven't caught them yet. I told her she was not allowed to have ANY contact with him anymore since she had lied to me once already. Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing and would like some opinions on this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 This guy is putting himself at risk of being charged as a sex offender - something which will have lifelong consequences. You should have told his parents already! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 I would have gone straight to the boy's parents!!! And threaten to call the police!! I would have scrared that little punk out of his pants! I had 2 daughters and l didn't care to be known as the mother from hell. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
riversidemf Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 That might push her closer to him. Call the police, get him off the streets, protect the next young girl. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 No three strikes. Your daughter had a right to grow up with her virginity in tact until she was old enough to make grown-up decisions. I had a friend who was in this exact scenario, except the guy was 19, and she chose not to inform the guy's parents. To me this was tantamount to condoning her daughter being sexually active while she was still a child, turning a blind eye to a creepy predator who was molesting young girls because girls his own age rejected him. In your shoes I'd be 'round at his parents house informing them that their son needs to stop sexually interfering with children or police will be involved. Children need boundaries enforced, particularly as they go through the child-to-adult phase, to protect them from making stupid decisions. Your daughter may be angry at you for a while, but that can be the price for being an effective parent. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author LauraG01 Posted September 24 Author Share Posted September 24 Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 4 minutes ago, LauraG01 said: Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. Talk to his parents. Having sex is not part of a 14 year old child's life. Your daughter does not know what she's doing. She thinks it's cool because she sees this through the eyes of an 18 year old guy she's infatuated with. When she grows up she will understand/realize she was *sexually used* and it will affect her self esteem greatly. 18 year old are adults. This young man is an adult. He needs to be explained by his parents that now his actions have consequences and having sex with a minor of 4 years younger could lead to him to have a criminal record that would follow him all his life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author LauraG01 Posted September 24 Author Share Posted September 24 Gaeta, I understand that 18 is legally an "adult" but 18 years old is NOT a grown man. They are a teenager too and I don't think it's the same situation as some 25 year old wanting sex with a child, but I do understand that he is too old to be dating her. I mean, what if the tables were turned and we were talking about an 18 yr old girl and a younger boy. Would you still think it's appropriate to get the police involved? I'm not letting him get away with anything. I told him it was inappropriate and threatened to tell his parents, which would end badly for him. My daughter was not raped, she told me she consented to it and she has liked him for a long time now and was always flirty with him. I know legally it would be considered statutory rape, but imho this situation doesn't seem bad enough to press charges. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 24 Share Posted September 24 3 minutes ago, LauraG01 said: I mean, what if the tables were turned and we were talking about an 18 yr old girl and a younger boy. Would you still think it's appropriate to get the police involved? Hell yes! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 (edited) 1 hour ago, LauraG01 said: My daughter was not raped, she told me she consented She does not even have the consenting age. Do you know the consenting age where you live? At her age she does not even fully understand the consequences of what she's doing. You seem more worried about him than the consequences on her. Studies show that girls that have sex too early, which is under 16, will develop mental health problems like depression and anxiety. I don't care if the boy is 14 and the girl 18. Absolutely no difference at all. You can't undo what is done but you should put your daughter first, not him. For all you know this boy is probably having sex with other 14 yo or even younger girls and by not talking about it to anyone, like his parents, then he's free to continue using young girls. Edited September 25 by Gaeta Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 5 hours ago, LauraG01 said: Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. I get that, you don't want to humiliate her and make it worse. But his folks do need to be told, four years age difference might seem nothing to an immature young guy and he may have genuine feelings for your daughter, but he needs to learn about boundaries and women's rights because I doubt very much that it was your daughter who pressured for sex. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 You need stronger boundaries, Mom. Your daughter doesn't take you seriously. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author LauraG01 Posted September 25 Author Share Posted September 25 Thank to everyone for their honest feedback. I guess I really do need to tell his parents now to ensure it won't happen again. I know them fairly well and I'm sure they'll take care of it. I can understand why some are questioning my response but I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how my daughter can be and she was definitely attracted to him. This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 6 minutes ago, LauraG01 said: Thank to everyone for their honest feedback. I guess I really do need to tell his parents now to ensure it won't happen again. I know them fairly well and I'm sure they'll take care of it. I can understand why some are questioning my response but I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how my daughter can be and she was definitely attracted to him. This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. Where I live, there is no crime of two kids around 14-15 having sex together because they are peers. The problem is when an 18yo is with a much younger person. Do you understand the creep factor? The equation is 'half your age, plus 7' This situation fails the test Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 25 Share Posted September 25 1 hour ago, LauraG01 said: This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. With all due respect no, it's not the same. The power balance between two 15 year old is not the same as between a 14 yo and 18 yo. There is a reason why there are laws managing this. *it happens all the time* should not be what you base your reasonning on. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26 Share Posted September 26 13 hours ago, LauraG01 said: This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. I'm frankly quite astonished at your mindset on this. You seem remarkably unbothered that your very young daughter is already sexuallly active. You also seem to defer to this young lady's reasoning rather than your own better judgment as an adult. Does the tail usually wag the dog like this between you and her? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted Thursday at 06:14 PM Share Posted Thursday at 06:14 PM On 9/25/2024 at 6:46 PM, LauraG01 said: I can understand why some are questioning my response but I do trust my daughter who told me that she doesn't regret it and is fine. I know how my daughter can be and she was definitely attracted to him. This is not much different than a 15 or 16 year old having sex with her which happens all the time. It's really strange the way you are minimizing this and playing it off like it's no big deal. Without strong boundaries teaching her right from wrong she is likely to end up another teen pregnancy statistic. Be a parent. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted Thursday at 06:19 PM Share Posted Thursday at 06:19 PM On 9/24/2024 at 6:48 PM, LauraG01 said: Well, I would call the police if they kept having sex, but I have no evidence of that right now and I don't want to destroy a teenagers life. What about your daughter's life being ruined if she gets pregnant at age 14? Is your daughter at least educated about birth control? At this point she's already sexually active and there's probably no going back from that. It's essential that she have access to birth control and be educated about what safe sex is. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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