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Men's point of view - Friendship


SunshineSt

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SunshineSt

Dear everyone, I’m looking for a men’s perspective on something. Imagine you’ve been dating someone exclusively for 6.5 months. After that time, he tells you that he likes you but isn’t in love and not ready for a relationship and wants to stay friends. I initially thought this was out of pity, so I was hesitant. However, he’s genuinely showing friendship—helping me with things, reaching out, etc.

Guys: What does this mean? Can you truly become friends after dating for more than half a year? Why would the guy - with I believe enough friends already - want that? And no, we don't have sex anymore.

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he broke up with you.  that's what that means.

he decided the romantic relationship is no longer working and he no longer wants to date you.

 

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stillafool

He's trying to let you down easy by offering you friendship.  The truth is he's over it, no longer wants sex with you and is breaking it off.  Let him go. 

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SunshineSt

Ok ok, I understand that he is breaking it off. Thought that would be clear from my message. It was sad but it is ok. My question is why he's actively pursuing friendship. He is the one reaching out for help, etc. So it seems like he's actually doing his best for friendship. 

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stillafool
5 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

He is the one reaching out for help, etc. So it seems like he's actually doing his best for friendship. 

How is his reaching out for help, reaching out for friendship?

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stillafool
4 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

Why would you reach out to help somebody, or to see somebody, if you do not want friendship?

 

You said he was the one reaching out for help.  Was it to get help from you or to give you help?

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SunshineSt

Sorry, to give me help. I am just a bit confused. Normally when the dating stops you both go your own ways. This one actively keeps in touch. 

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stillafool

There are reasons to reach out to people other than for a friendship.  One might need information about something that you have the answer to, youu have something they want to buy, they may want someone's phone number that you know, etc.

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stillafool
1 minute ago, SunshineSt said:

Sorry, to give me help. I am just a bit confused. Normally when the dating stops you both go your own ways. This one actively keeps in touch. 

Well if I were you and a guy let me know he is down grading me to the friendzone, I'd block him and move on.  Are you interested in being in his friendzone?

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SunshineSt

Not in being his friendzone, but in being his friend - yes. We had a very good connection. And if it was - apparently - not romantic, perhaps we had a very good friendly connection

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2 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

Not in being his friendzone, but in being his friend - yes. We had a very good connection. And if it was - apparently - not romantic, perhaps we had a very good friendly connection

But you're not looking for a friend, you're looking for a  boyfriend.  If you play friends with this guy because you like him then it will interfere with you connecting romantically with a new man. Also any new man you might have in your life might raise an eyebrows to this 'friend' you met on a dating site. 

It's very bad taste to keep friendships with dating app people you dated.  I would not want my bf to have female friends who are ladies he dated a couple of months.

But, most of the time men offer friendship in the hope eventually you'll get no strings attached sex.

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Yes, people can decide that they are better off as friends than as partners.   But the biggest question is what do YOU want?   

If you want to move on, tell him that you're not interested.   Also, you might want to consider that a new boyfriends is unlikely to be OK with your ex boyfriend hanging around.  

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8 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

Guys: What does this mean? Can you truly become friends after dating for more than half a year? Why would the guy - with I believe enough friends already - want that? And no, we don't have sex anymore.

Sorry, this means he broke up with you. He doesn’t like you romantically anymore. He is friends with you probably because he genuinely likes you as a person. Yes, this is possible and not at all that unusual. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with that, please make it clear to him.

As a rule, such friendships don’t survive for long. Sooner or later one of you, or both of you, will be in a new relationship. Your new partner might not like it that you’re having a close friendship with an ex.

Edited by Gebidozo
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8 hours ago, SunshineSt said:

Dear everyone, I’m looking for a men’s perspective on something. Imagine you’ve been dating someone exclusively for 6.5 months. After that time, he tells you that he likes you but isn’t in love and not ready for a relationship and wants to stay friends. I initially thought this was out of pity, so I was hesitant. However, he’s genuinely showing friendship—helping me with things, reaching out, etc.

Guys: What does this mean? Can you truly become friends after dating for more than half a year? Why would the guy - with I believe enough friends already - want that? And no, we don't have sex anymore.

My two cents….

 

he’s not interested in you romantically but does like you as a friend.  Why? There can be some core differences in things thst matter in a romantic relationship but not in a friendship.  Some of these are around (1) having/ wanting kids snd how they are raised on (2) religion and does beliefs match, (4) there can be differences in living styles like a night vs morning person or neat freak vs messy.(5)   You can have different things on things like healthcare vs holistic medicine or (6) he’s a meat eater and you are vegitarian, (7) you love pets, and he can’t stand them.

 

if you started this right after he ended a relation he probably wasn’t ready for a relationship  and wants time to explore what’s out there instead of just focusing on you because he want to have a good well grounded decision

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Lotsgoingon

OK, what do YOU want? 

Friendship after a unilateral breakup does NOT work 99.99 percent of the time. But you have no shared any of your feelings. 

Question: can you date another person with Mr. Dumped You hanging around? Most of us cannot. 

Don't ask about his motive--is the real moral of the time. Ask whether this arrangement is good for you--without any change. Block out all hope that you will date this guy again. Again 99.99 percent of the time hanging out with a recent ex does not work. 

What do YOU want?!

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ExpatInItaly

He probably is fond of you as a friend, and feels bad about hurting by breaking up. He's easing his own guilt. 

I personally would not be interested in remaining friends with someone who has just broken up with me. How are you going to feel about being friends when he starts dating someone else? 

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NuevoYorko

Why don't you just take it at face value, if you enjoy hanging out with him?  I wouldn't get too used to it though.  When he starts dating someone new he probably won't continue to this friendly behavior.

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SunshineSt
10 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

My two cents….

 

he’s not interested in you romantically but does like you as a friend.  Why? There can be some core differences in things thst matter in a romantic relationship but not in a friendship.  Some of these are around (1) having/ wanting kids snd how they are raised on (2) religion and does beliefs match, (4) there can be differences in living styles like a night vs morning person or neat freak vs messy.(5)   You can have different things on things like healthcare vs holistic medicine or (6) he’s a meat eater and you are vegitarian, (7) you love pets, and he can’t stand them.

 

if you started this right after he ended a relation he probably wasn’t ready for a relationship  and wants time to explore what’s out there instead of just focusing on you because he want to have a good well grounded decision

Nope, no differences in all the aspect you have mentioned. Perhaps that is also why we dated so long. I feel like he wasn't ready for the true commitment. In the end, he also says he likes me and keeps hanging around... 

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SunshineSt

Thanks everyone, for the responses. 

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

How long ago was the breakup?

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why don't you just take it at face value, if you enjoy hanging out with him?  I wouldn't get too used to it though.  When he starts dating someone new he probably won't continue to this friendly behavior.

Last month... we had only two weeks of less contact. 
And I do not hope that we let each other down as soon as new dates get involved. I do not want to be disappointed another time. Friends do not let each other down, right?

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, what do YOU want? 

Friendship after a unilateral breakup does NOT work 99.99 percent of the time. But you have no shared any of your feelings. 

Question: can you date another person with Mr. Dumped You hanging around? Most of us cannot. 

Don't ask about his motive--is the real moral of the time. Ask whether this arrangement is good for you--without any change. Block out all hope that you will date this guy again. Again 99.99 percent of the time hanging out with a recent ex does not work. 

What do YOU want?!

I wasn't ready with our dates. My plan was to see where it would go, slowly as we both have our history. I liked him. Well, to him it doesn't go anywhere so it seems - and that is ok. I want someone who wants me 100%. However, I still do like the person he is, so that is why I would be interested in a friendship. 

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He probably is fond of you as a friend, and feels bad about hurting by breaking up. He's easing his own guilt. 

I personally would not be interested in remaining friends with someone who has just broken up with me. How are you going to feel about being friends when he starts dating someone else? 

Also, I haven't shown him any sadness. We have seen each other for a drink and I was one and all smile. No difficult questions, I did not make him feel guilty. I have shown him that I was ok with the situation. So why would he then need to ease his own guilt?

 

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33 minutes ago, SunshineSt said:

However, I still do like the person he is, so that is why I would be interested in a friendship. 

Of course you like him as a person,  you would not have been able to date him a few months if you didn't like him as a person but, are you going to make friends with each man you meet & date a few months? To me it's just a distraction. 

I don't want to generalize but men have a harder time being alone than us women. For them making friends with women they dated is a way of keeping women's attention until they meet the right one. 

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SunshineSt
14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Of course you like him as a person,  you would not have been able to date him a few months if you didn't like him as a person but, are you going to make friends with each man you meet & date a few months? To me it's just a distraction. 

I don't want to generalize but men have a harder time being alone than us women. For them making friends with women they dated is a way of keeping women's attention until they meet the right one. 

A distraction for what? For me dating other men? My head is not there yet, to be honest. But I don't believe it would be there if he wasn't still around; it's because I'm disappointed that it didn't work out and that disappointment needs to go first. No, I'm not making friends with each men, but to be honest this is also the first time that a man offers + actively pursues the friendship.

I don't think this man is lonely. He seems to have a very busy life. 




 

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Lotsgoingon

The disappointment will NOT go if you keep spending time with him. That's the point. You have to distance yourself.

The more time you spend with him, the more you will be attracted to him and want (against all hope) romance with him.

And if I'm a guy who is interested in you and you tell me that you are still hanging with your most recent ex, I'm running the other way. Period! 

I have become friends with a few exes, but in each case that required YEARS of being apart and not being friends. Years of no contact or the most superficial contact (one was a colleague who I might pass at work occasionally). 

 

 

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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SunshineSt

But that is weird. Why would I not be "allowed" to have a platonic friendship with this man? He is not even an ex, right? He is someone I used to date?

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The disappointment will NOT go if you keep spending time with him. That's the point. You have to distance yourself.

The more time you spend with him, the more you will be attracted to him and want (against all hope) romance with him.

And if I'm a guy who is interested in you and you tell me that you are still hanging with your most recent ex, I'm running the other way. Period! 

I have become friends with a few exes, but in each case that required YEARS of being apart and not being friends. Years of no contact or the most superficial contact (one was a colleague who I might pass at work occasionally). 

 

 

 

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