I'm in a loving and happy relationship… and I want to cheat.

[AgainstTheGrainGuy]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I love her dearly and can see us spending the rest of our lives together. We make each other very happy, have a great sex life, communicate very well (except for one area), and work great as a team. Despite all of this, I want to cheat. In fact, it’s on my mind almost daily. I’ve never really thought the concept of monogamy was realistic or practical. I was open about this when we first met and were dating casually and non-exclusively and she said she was fine with that. Several months in when she started to develop feelings, she told me she was no longer comfortable with the idea of me having sex with other women. Part of me wanted to tell her “there’s the door” but the other part of me that truly cared for her and was really enjoying the sex with her didn’t want to lose her, so I accepted the fact that a compromise had to be made and I agreed to be exclusive with her.  I noticed an almost immediate slight decline in my attraction for her, simply by knowing that she was not only not okay with me not okay with having sex with other women, but didn’t encourage it.

We are now 3 years in and everything in our relationship is great and this little complaint of mine has been pushed into the back corner of my brain for a while, but as all things do, it’s found its way back into the light again. Despite being fully satisfied and happy in my relationship, having a very great sex life with my girlfriend, and wanting to grow old with her, I still have the urge to have sex with other women. The fact that I can’t, and more importantly, won’t, because I agreed to be with only her, has made me begin to question if a man falling in love with a woman makes him lose sexual interest. I can’t shake the thought that going out and having sex with a new woman would not only add novelty, and new excitement, but it would make me come home and have extremely hot steamy sex with my girlfriend with a newfound appreciation for the fact that I chose her as my forever person.

This topic is the one that we do not communicate well about because she does not know about any of this going on in my head. Why? I’m not quite sure yet. I’m not sure if I’m worried she’ll get angry and break things off. I’m not worried if it’s because she’s been in multiple past relationships where she has been cheated on and wronged, so she has, due to trauma, wrongfully accused me of cheating, which ironically despite these thoughts, I never have. How would she take it finding out that the longest, happiest, most successful relationship of her life, the first/only one she’s ever been in where the guy has never cheated on her is with a guy who has wanted to cheat on her the whole time?

Anyway, after what she’s been through in her life, I could never bring myself to betray her like that, but, I also don’t know how to navigate the idea of potentially ending an amazing relationship all because she expects monogamy. Part of me wants to ask her “Do you want my love, support, protection, devotion, and partnership? Or do you want my burning sexual desire? It doesn’t have to be one or the other, it can be both, just not if monogamy is also a requirement. If she doesn’t go for it, there might be a very difficult conversation about a break up so I can have sex with other women without betraying her, because if I stay with her and promise to only have sex with her for the rest of my life, I’ll either keep that promise and gradually lose attraction for her because of it and lose my own happiness while the urge to cheat grows, or I’ll eventually break the promise.

So yeah. I love my girlfriend. I’m in love with my girlfriend. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I want to be able to have sex with other women and I want her to not only be okay with it, I want her to encourage it. I know her well enough to know that she absolutely will not be okay with it, therefore, I want to cheat on her.

[basil67]

There's a really obvious answer here:  Break up with her, but don't be honest about the reason.  Just give her the half truth that you're not in love anymore.  

Also, falling out of love with a woman because of not liking monogamy isn't a 'man thing', it's a YOU thing.   Your best choice for the future is to only be in relationships with women who are polyamorous.   I assume you'd be OK with the woman getting a bit on the side too?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

I can’t shake the thought that going out and having sex with a new woman would not only add novelty, and new excitement, but it would make me come home and have extremely hot steamy sex with my girlfriend with a newfound appreciation for the fact that I chose her as my forever person.

I’m sure it would. To you. To you, the way you’re now. Probably (hopefully) not when you become more mature. Definitely not to “men”, as you’re trying to present it. And, most importantly, 100% not to your girlfriend.

The fact that you’re willing either to break up with her or to cheat on her, causing her great distress and hurting her, plainly means that you don’t truly love her. You love physical pleasure, sex, more than you love her. And you don’t even love having sex with her enough to be able to commit to her sexually. This is not love.

Please stop convincing yourself that you love her and break up with her. Tell her the truth: you can’t be in a monogamous relationship right now because perpetually having multiple sex partners is a higher life priority for you.

[AgainstTheGrainGuy]

To those who have responded so far, I thank you for your honest feedback.  Saying that falling out of love due to monogamy is not a man thing but a me thing, might be true; that's why  I presented the question.  I have talked to many many men from various walks of life and there seems to be a relative consistency that when a man begins to develop a deeper loving respect for a woman, when he develops feelings for her, when she becomes his wife and the mother of his children, there is a decline in that raw, primal, lustful urge.  This isn't necessary an all bad thing because it's replaced with his instincts to provide for her, protect her, even at the cost of his own safety and even his own life if necessary, but where does his sexual, primal urge tend to drift? To a new, different woman that has not earned his respect, love, and devotion.  Just a theory.

Second,  I never said I'm willing to cheat on her or betray her.  I said I want to; that I have the urge to.  There's a difference between "want to do" and "going to do".  Also, anyone who says that a man cannot absolutely be fully in love with his woman and still cheat on her is either not paying attention, uneducated, or just delusional.  Are you telling me that every single man that has ever had an affair had completely lost interest in his woman in every way?  Very doubtful.  I'm in no way excusing the behavior of the men who go through with the act.  Also, let's keep in mind that in order for them to pull this act off, they need a woman who is willing to have sex with them, and in many cases these women are fully aware he is not single and are also not single themselves.  Again, not excusing the behavior, just stating facts, but we're getting off topic.

I would argue that I am in love with her and that I do love her.  I champion her accomplishments, I've stood by her for 3 years as she's overcome many challenges.  We are open about communicating in a way that emphasized harsh truths over comforting lies.  I commit to her and only her every day and I have done so for 3 years.  I admit,  I do it, and have done it with the thought in my mind that while this amazing and beautiful relationship is a 9 out of 10.  It could be a 10 out of 10 if I were allowed to sleep with other women also.  I'm trying to come to terms with, and accept the fact that life is not perfect and I should be grateful for a 9 out of 10.  I could break up with her and be able to have sex with anyone I want.  Some of the happiest times of my life were when I was single, living alone and free to do as I wanted, however, I know I have something special with her and whether it be by cheating or breaking up with her, I'm not sure it's worth messing up.  I also know that this urge and thought that  I want sex with other women may never go away.

How would all of you out there response if your partner came to you and said "I'm having strong urges to have sex with someone else, anyone else.  I still find your desirable, but I feel like if our relationship is going to stay fun, exciting, vibrant, and hot, I need some variety and novelty once and a while.  I know you'd never want me to cheat on you, which is why I'm being open and honest about these urges.  So, I'm open to ideas of how we can work together to give me the experience of making me feel like I'm having sex with someone that isn't you, without actually going out and having sex with someone else."  Would you applaud their honesty openness or would you shame them for being vulnerable with you, their partner, the one person on earth they should be able to come to with absolutely anything and everything?  How far would you go to keep them, to save your relationship?  Would you dress up as someone else for them?  Would you dress up as someone else that was a real life person you both knew?  What if the choices were to end the best relationship you could ever have or admit that you could spend the rest of your life with a person who would always be there for you and would go to the ends of the earth for you, but you just needed to delegate this person's sexual pleasure out to the world on the rare occasion?  And what if by doing so, it made them come back to you each time even more in love with you than when they left?  Returning with their itch scratched and their love for your increased to a new level every time.  Would that be worth it?  No, I guess you all are right.  That's not love.  Love is slowly giving up the things you enjoy and desire while becoming a shell of your former self and growing resentful toward your partner because you feel they changed you into the person they wanted you to be and now they don't even like that person and feel no attraction for them, and why would they?  That person is miserable.  Ah, that's true love.

Loving someone and being in love with someone have absolutely NOTHING to do with wanting to have sex with someone, for men at least.  I'm just being honest here.  There are the guys that will agree with me and the guys that are lying.  No guy go out on a date thinking "Wow, she's beautiful.  I hope I fall in love with her before the date is over so I can have sex with her."  In fact, I'd wager that for most guys, if the woman just flat out said "Hey, how about we just skip the whole, dinner, date, and formality part and just head back to your place to have sex?"  Other than maybe looking around for a hidden camera, or a police sting, 99.9% of men would NEVER say "Oh no, but I was really looking forward to a delicious meal and getting to know you over some meaningful conversation."  No man goes on a date thinking "I hope this is last date I ever go on."  It's crude, I know, but it's the reality.  This does not change when we get in relationships, when we get married, when we have kids, etc.  We're just expected to bottle it up, push it down, or pretend we don't have it anymore.

You know what the difference in relationship satisfaction between men who cheat and men who don't cheat is?   Nothing.  Seriously.  Look it up.  They've done studies and all the conclusive data points to the fact that men who cheat within their relationships, across the board are no less happier than men who don't cheat.  I think the more glaring angle of that study is the fact that men who don't cheat are, across the board, no more happier in their relationships than men who do cheat.  So what stops the ones that don't do it from doing it?  Never had the urge?  Never had the opportunity?  Afraid of getting caught?  And then there's me.  I don't cheat.  I won't cheat.  But I want to.  So am I just as terrible as the men who do?  So commenters would say I am.  Some would probably say I'm worse because I've kept my urge a secret.  Ladies, would you rather have a man who you know would never cheat on you but always wants to or a man who you never know if he wants to and you never know if he ever has or ever will?

I thank you in advance and welcome all continued constructive feedback and criticism.  I realize some of the things I've said may upset some people and this may cause you to lash out at me, but please be respectful to each other, that's all I ask.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

How would all of you out there response if your partner came to you and said "I'm having strong urges to have sex with someone else, anyone else.  I still find your desirable, but I feel like if our relationship is going to stay fun, exciting, vibrant, and hot, I need some variety and novelty once and a while.  I know you'd never want me to cheat on you, which is why I'm being open and honest about these urges.  So, I'm open to ideas of how we can work together to give me the experience of making me feel like I'm having sex with someone that isn't you, without actually going out and having sex with someone else."  Would you applaud their honesty openness or would you shame them for being vulnerable with you, their partner, the one person on earth they should be able to come to with absolutely anything and everything?  How far would you go to keep them, to save your relationship?  Would you dress up as someone else for them?  Would you dress up as someone else that was a real life person you both knew?  What if the choices were to end the best relationship you could ever have or admit that you could spend the rest of your life with a person who would always be there for you and would go to the ends of the earth for you, but you just needed to delegate this person's sexual pleasure out to the world on the rare occasion?  And what if by doing so, it made them come back to you each time even more in love with you than when they left?  Returning with their itch scratched and their love for your increased to a new level every time.  Would that be worth it?  No, I guess you all are right.  That's not love. 

So basically, you want to tell the woman that she's not enough for you.   To me, it's a no brainer - I'd end the relationship and suggest they find a polyamorous relationship.   But kudos to you for realising that you feel this way before marrying a woman.   And to be clear, you get no points for vulnerability if it means your thoughts and actions are hurtful to the one you're disclosing to.   This isn't like being vulnerable in saying "ILY" first.  Or disclosing hidden insecurities and fears. 

Quote

Love is slowly giving up the things you enjoy and desire while becoming a shell of your former self and growing resentful toward your partner because you feel they changed you into the person they wanted you to be and now they don't even like that person and feel no attraction for them, and why would they?  That person is miserable.  Ah, that's true love. 

If that's how you see love, then this further underscores that ending the relationship would be the right choice for me

Quote

Ladies, would you rather have a man who you know would never cheat on you but always wants to or a man who you never know if he wants to [cheat] and you never know if he ever has or ever will?

The bolded sums up how most people do relationships.   We promise fidelity and trust our partners not to cheat.   Yes, cheating can and does happen, but the blame for that rests squarely on the shoulders of the person who cheats

Edited August 31 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

  I have talked to many many men from various walks of life and there seems to be a relative consistency that when a man begins to develop a deeper loving respect for a woman, when he develops feelings for her, when she becomes his wife and the mother of his children, there is a decline in that raw, primal, lustful urge.  This isn't necessary an all bad thing because it's replaced with his instincts to provide for her, protect her, even at the cost of his own safety and even his own life if necessary, but where does his sexual, primal urge tend to drift? To a new, different woman that has not earned his respect, love, and devotion.  Just a theory.

This is not a theory, just an observation that some men do feel this way. Being a man myself, and one that used to be afflicted with this very condition, I can offer some explanation as to why this unfortunate phenomenon is quite common. 

Men (especially younger or not particularly mature ones) often think that if they decide to commit to a “nice girl” and have a life-long relationship with her, this also means it can be called “true love”. But in reality, true love is an amalgamation of different factors, among which sexual compatibility is a very important one. Men who marry “nice girls” but remain sexually unfulfilled will invariably feel like the men you have described (including yourself).

At the root of the problem lies the infamous madonna-whore complex. Basically, it’s a separation of love and sex, a shame of embracing sexual fulfillment with a woman you love, which results in secret longing for sex with women you aren’t emotionally attached to.

I assure you that once you get rid of that complex and meet a girl you truly fall in love with, which includes the sexual aspect in its fullness, you won’t want to cheat on her, the mere thought of sleeping with other women will seem strange to you, and you’ll be full of passion and desire for her.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

Also, anyone who says that a man cannot absolutely be fully in love with his woman and still cheat on her is either not paying attention, uneducated, or just delusional. 

Cheating is an act of hurt and betrayal. If you really believe that you can be fully in love with a woman and still willing to cheat on her, or condoning and justifying this vile behavior, then you’re the one who is delusional. You have no idea what real love is if you think you can sincerely profess love to a person you cheat on.

Oh, and before you begin to point out my lack of attention (not sure why you think education has anything to do with this, but in any case, I have master’s degrees from two colleges): I used to be a serial cheater. So believe me, I have been paying attention. That’s why I know what I’m talking about.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

How would all of you out there response if your partner came to you and said "I'm having strong urges to have sex with someone else, anyone else.  I still find your desirable, but I feel like if our relationship is going to stay fun, exciting, vibrant, and hot, I need some variety and novelty once and a while.  I know you'd never want me to cheat on you, which is why I'm being open and honest about these urges.  So, I'm open to ideas of how we can work together to give me the experience of making me feel like I'm having sex with someone that isn't you, without actually going out and having sex with someone else."  Would you applaud their honesty openness or would you shame them for being vulnerable with you, their partner, the one person on earth they should be able to come to with absolutely anything and everything?

Neither.

Honesty should be a given in a relationship, if a person isn’t honest, why have a relationship with them in the first place? It’s nothing to applaud, also nothing to shame.

If my partner came to me and told me that, I’d say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. As you have long known, my ideas of a committed relationship are different, in that I want to be fully monogamous and exclusive. Sorry it didn’t work out. I hope both of us will be able to find other, more compatible partners”.

You appear to spend a lot of energy and time trying to morally justify your behavior. Like now, for example, when you’re basically begging for applause. I suggest to you to stop seeking moral justification and be truly honest: break up with your GF and focus on finding someone who will accept your polyamorous stance. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

Oh, and of course, if and when you find a woman who is willing to have a polyamorous relationship with you, be prepared that she’ll be sleeping with other men as frequently as you will with other women. Hopefully this is exactly the kind of honesty and fairness you seem so adamant about.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

Loving someone and being in love with someone have absolutely NOTHING to do with wanting to have sex with someone, for men at least.  I'm just being honest here.  There are the guys that will agree with me and the guys that are lying.

Bullshit, dude.

At the very least, have the decency of speaking for yourself. Stop extrapolating and projecting your problems onto our entire gender. You don’t get to speak for all men or even most men, just because you and your buddies are feeling uncomfortable about their complexes and are desperate to find any lame moral justification for cowardly and dishonest behavior.

As a man, I’m personally insulted by your sexism. You’re doing a great disservice to our gender by painting us all as uncontrollable, immature, selfish creatures unable to keep it in their pants and valuing their own pleasures above everything else. Just because you’re like this now (I hope you’ll change; I was worse than you at your age) doesn’t say squat about men in general.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

No man goes on a date thinking "I hope this is last date I ever go on."  It's crude, I know, but it's the reality.  This does not change when we get in relationships, when we get married, when we have kids, etc.  We're just expected to bottle it up, push it down, or pretend we don't have it anymore.

It’s reality only in your brain. 

Nobody said anything about pushing it down. I’m probably the most horny guy I know. I’m now in a relationship that satisfies me sexually. I don’t bottle up or pretend anything, I’m having a lot of sex and I don’t cheat and don’t want to cheat.

You’re confusing your own complexes and sexual incompatibilities with repression of sexual desires. Once you straighten out your mind, your soul, and your sexuality, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

For now, just please don’t mislead women and stay out of committed monogamous relationships.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

They've done studies and all the conclusive data points to the fact that men who cheat within their relationships, across the board are no less happier than men who don't cheat.  I think the more glaring angle of that study is the fact that men who don't cheat are, across the board, no more happier in their relationships than men who do cheat. 

Incredible bullshit.

Anybody can make a “study” that suits their biases and wishful thinking and publish it on the internet.

I used to be a cheater, and that scarred me for years to come, maybe permanently. There is no happiness in lie and deception. Whoever claims otherwise is just looking for pitiful moral justifications and wants to drag everyone else down to their misery.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

So what stops the ones that don't do it from doing it?  Never had the urge?  Never had the opportunity?  Afraid of getting caught? 

I don’t have the urge to cheat on my partner now, though I have plenty of opportunities and I’m not afraid of getting caught. I used to cheat for the same reasons other men do it: absolute selfishness, inability to truly love and commit, coupled with deep sexual complexes and ensuing dissatisfaction.
 

2 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

So am I just as terrible as the men who do? 

No.

You’re much better because you have already begun to realize that cheating is fundamentally wrong, always wrong. The mistake you’re making now is seeking justifications and trying to excuse those men who do, in an attempt to leave that door open for yourself. Don’t do that. It’s your frustration that causes you to deceive yourself like this.

 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

I realize some of the things I've said may upset some people and this may cause you to lash out at me, but please be respectful to each other, that's all I ask.

Dude, I know that I’m lashing out at you, and of course I’m upset. You know why? Because I was you. Much worse than you, in fact, because I did cheat and I’ve experience the terrible consequences of that action. If you had posted your passionate speech 10 years ago, I’d sign under every word. It’s because I know how fundamentally wrong you are that I’m not holding back here.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to break up with your girlfriend. 

Not everyone is monogamous. There's nothing wrong with that, but it won't ever work long-term with sommeone who is. It is a fundamental incompatibility that all the conversations in the world (with one's partner) won't change. 

Your girlfriend would be crushed if she knew how you felt. You know this. Set yourselves free so you can each find a more suitable partner. You are really not right for each other and it won't end well if you make the mistake of staying together. 

 

[SurfCity]

OP, are you using AI to write your posts? 

Look up Madonna-whore complex, you'll probably see yourself in the description/definition. 

My advice is to break up with your gf and go have a bunch of casual sex. You only live once, you should do what makes you happy...as long as you're being as ethical as possible. Wasting your girlfriend's time is pretty low behavior.

Edited August 31 by SurfCity

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Look up Madonna-whore complex, you'll probably see yourself in the description/definition. 

Exactly. It is a really serious complex and it’s unfortunately quite widespread.

As someone who used to suffer from that complex, I can testify that it impacts sexual health and relationships in a deeply negative way.

[Kassieee]

17 hours ago, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I love her dearly and can see us spending the rest of our lives together. We make each other very happy, have a great sex life, communicate very well (except for one area), and work great as a team. Despite all of this, I want to cheat. In fact, it’s on my mind almost daily. I’ve never really thought the concept of monogamy was realistic or practical. I was open about this when we first met and were dating casually and non-exclusively and she said she was fine with that. Several months in when she started to develop feelings, she told me she was no longer comfortable with the idea of me having sex with other women. Part of me wanted to tell her “there’s the door” but the other part of me that truly cared for her and was really enjoying the sex with her didn’t want to lose her, so I accepted the fact that a compromise had to be made and I agreed to be exclusive with her.  I noticed an almost immediate slight decline in my attraction for her, simply by knowing that she was not only not okay with me not okay with having sex with other women, but didn’t encourage it.

We are now 3 years in and everything in our relationship is great and this little complaint of mine has been pushed into the back corner of my brain for a while, but as all things do, it’s found its way back into the light again. Despite being fully satisfied and happy in my relationship, having a very great sex life with my girlfriend, and wanting to grow old with her, I still have the urge to have sex with other women. The fact that I can’t, and more importantly, won’t, because I agreed to be with only her, has made me begin to question if a man falling in love with a woman makes him lose sexual interest. I can’t shake the thought that going out and having sex with a new woman would not only add novelty, and new excitement, but it would make me come home and have extremely hot steamy sex with my girlfriend with a newfound appreciation for the fact that I chose her as my forever person.

This topic is the one that we do not communicate well about because she does not know about any of this going on in my head. Why? I’m not quite sure yet. I’m not sure if I’m worried she’ll get angry and break things off. I’m not worried if it’s because she’s been in multiple past relationships where she has been cheated on and wronged, so she has, due to trauma, wrongfully accused me of cheating, which ironically despite these thoughts, I never have. How would she take it finding out that the longest, happiest, most successful relationship of her life, the first/only one she’s ever been in where the guy has never cheated on her is with a guy who has wanted to cheat on her the whole time?

Anyway, after what she’s been through in her life, I could never bring myself to betray her like that, but, I also don’t know how to navigate the idea of potentially ending an amazing relationship all because she expects monogamy. Part of me wants to ask her “Do you want my love, support, protection, devotion, and partnership? Or do you want my burning sexual desire? It doesn’t have to be one or the other, it can be both, just not if monogamy is also a requirement. If she doesn’t go for it, there might be a very difficult conversation about a break up so I can have sex with other women without betraying her, because if I stay with her and promise to only have sex with her for the rest of my life, I’ll either keep that promise and gradually lose attraction for her because of it and lose my own happiness while the urge to cheat grows, or I’ll eventually break the promise.

So yeah. I love my girlfriend. I’m in love with my girlfriend. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I want to be able to have sex with other women and I want her to not only be okay with it, I want her to encourage it. I know her well enough to know that she absolutely will not be okay with it, therefore, I want to cheat on her.

I feel mind f'ed and this isn't even my situation. Those options are horrid but I'd pick the 1st if I absolutely had to choose. 

Edited August 31 by SlimShadysWife

[mark clemson]

One reason cheating occurs is that people enter a marriage with sincere affection and intentions of loyalty, BUT 10 (or however many) years later the bloom is well off the rose. Genuinely unhappy or genuinely interested in sleeping around people who are married only have so many options, and not everyone wants to deal with divorcing. So you get cheating (in some cases).

In your case you aren't married yet, which simplifies things greatly. Since you know she won't be ok with "sharing you" and you know you strongly have the desire to sleep around, you have the option to not marry. It's perhaps unfortunate that you've emotionally bonded with her to the point you want to marry if you genuinely feel you can't bring what she hopes for and expects to the table.

A better choice for you might be a woman is who polyamorous and/or would accept you sleeping around. Ethical polyamory is a thing, and it's something you could look into. A woman who you both know is ok with sharing you would mean you could openly and ethically do what you'd like to do. It's not a simple path, but it certainly can work for the right couple.

[ ] 

Edited September 3 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ShyViolet]

You have essentially been lying to your girlfriend for a long time because you are leading her to believe that you are fine with this relationship, that you are willing to be in a monogamous relationship with her, when in fact it's not what you want.  It's the dishonestly that makes this not okay.  You owe it to her to lay the cards out on the table; that monogamy doesn't make you happy and you aren't built for monogamy.  Then it's her decision whether to continue this relationship with you or not.  If you know for a fact she can't do an open relationship, then stop wasting her time.

There are lots of people who are in open relationships, who don't follow the monogamy relationship model, and that doesn't make them bad people at all.  But they BOTH agree to it and are honest with each other.  That's something you are lacking right now.

[Lotsgoingon]

I say go ahead and present the truth. Since you seem committed to your idea that multiplicity of partners is required for your male happiness, go ahead and tell her that. 

Yes, she will be hurt and dumbfounded and confused. And she will have the full truth. And she can then decide what to do next. And you get to be honest. 

One more point: there is something really strange about how strongly you say that your gf is so wonderful and that you are so happy with her and your sex life with her is so amazing. Something tells me that you are skating on the surface of things with her. Deep love comes with tensions and frustrating differences and disagreements. She doesn't know a key part of you--you are hiding a key part of you from her--so right there the relationship is problematic and incomplete. 

I wonder (like Gebidozo) if you have turned your gf into a perfect, innocent, "good girl" Madonna. Come on now. You are telling me that nothing about her gets on your nerves?! 

[Mrin]

Dude here. I'm more on the more libertine side of the fence so I'm far less uncomfortable by your thoughs.

Ok OP. I haven't read all of the novels you wrote but I get the general gist. A few thoughts for you:

1. Stop chalking this up to being a man or trying to justify it with your informal polling. Just own it. You feel how you feel. 

2. These urges you feel are pretty common - for everyone. Lots of men and women feel the desire to have sex with others at some point. Just like lots of men and women want to choke the F out of other people from time to time (hello road rage). The key here is the degree to which you feel these urges and the degree to which you let these urges control (or ruin) your life.

3. So part of me wants to say - grow up and learn to not let your urges and impulses eat you up. Take some responsibility to get in touch with your feelings rather than being controlled by them.

4. All that being said - for some people monogamy is just a very hard model to adhere to in a relationship. That's okay. Some people are just that way and, if you're one of them, then you owe it to you and your GF to stop trying to build a relationship on a model that doesn't work for you. If this is the case, you need to do something about it.

5. The obvious answer is to break up or demand your GF opens the relationship (which is the relationship equivalent of suicide by cop most likely). 

6. Here is another idea: consider discussing exploring the swinger lifestyle together. The reason I bring this up is that for a lot of swingers the allure is the shared experience aspect of it. Which may feel more inclusive to your GF.

Anyhow, something to think about.

 

Mrin

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

She doesn't know a key part of you--you are hiding a key part of you from her--so right there the relationship is problematic and incomplete. 

I wonder (like Gebidozo) if you have turned your gf into a perfect, innocent, "good girl" Madonna.

Glad someone else noticed that. Unfortunately, I’m basing my suspicions on my own past experiences. I used to divide women into “those you love and marry” and “those you unleash your uncontrollable, primeval super-manly instincts with”. Idealized girls without wanting to know them as actual flesh and blood creatures. Ascribed my problems to the entire male gender and justified vile behavior and deceit with “biology”. Led a double life and was mentally tortured by it. Just like the OP.

In essence, all this stems from fear of female sexuality, a deeply ingrained cultural indoctrination.

[introverted1]

On 8/30/2024 at 11:24 PM, AgainstTheGrainGuy said:

You know what the difference in relationship satisfaction between men who cheat and men who don't cheat is?   Nothing.  Seriously.  Look it up.  They've done studies and all the conclusive data points to the fact that men who cheat within their relationships, across the board are no less happier than men who don't cheat.  I think the more glaring angle of that study is the fact that men who don't cheat are, across the board, no more happier in their relationships than men who do cheat.

So if there is no difference in happiness seems it would be pretty easy to choose the "no cheating" path. I am pretty sure if there was data on the partners of these men, you'd find that the partners who knew about the cheating were markedly unhappier than the ones whose partners never cheated.

[dnd_girl]

I feel so sorry for your gf. She sounds like she has so much going for her, and she deserves someone who appreciates her, instead of some creep who is, in your own words, consumed with wanting to sleep with other women.

You might meet a woman who is ok with this. But then you might just find someone who is willing to put up with anything from a guy as log as she gets to go out and sleep around, but still has a partner at home waiting for her.

I don't want to cause heartbreak for your gf, who sounds amazing, but honestly, it sounds like she deserves better than you.

[jasonblackheart01]

Just break up and get it over with.

Clearly, relationship is not your forte and your just hurting her by pretending a saint which clearly your not.

If this keeps up, sooner or later your going to cheat on her whether she likes it or not.

Better peel of the band aid early to avoid much more damage later on.