ms.stressed Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 My boyfriend (technically fiancé) has been discussing us moving in together and, to be honest, I'm scared. I'm scared about him cheating on me, abusing me, basically my ex all over again...and I know he hasn't shown any of my exes traits, I still worry that it'll happen. He doesn't know everything about my past, just enough to know my ex abused me and I don't want my dear to damage what I have with him. And I havea therapist a talk to, but I hate having to revisit the past to sort out my present...and this sucks. I don't wish what I've been through on anyone. But this new relationship is awesome and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so happy and confident and in love. That's it. Y'all be blessed Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 If you need more time to process your feelings and dealing with your past trauma, you absolutely have to tell that to your BF. Don’t move in with him until you’re certain you’ve solved your problems and aren’t scared anymore. If he truly loves you, he will understand you and be patient. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 How long have you been dating your boyfriend? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 Postpone moving in. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 (edited) You said *new boyfriend*. Why do you call him new when you've been dating 3 years? Edited August 28 by Gaeta 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 14 hours ago, ms.stressed said: I'm scared about him cheating on me, abusing me, basically my ex all over again...and I know he hasn't shown any of my exes traits, I still worry that it'll happen. Anything is possible. Maybe he'll be the best fiancé and husband to you, maybe he'll turn into another abuser. The thing is you've been through this before so you'll be able to recognize the signs right? As soon as you see the red flags you leave. There is nothing else to do. At some point you need to trust someone and you need to trust YOURSELF that IF EVER you find yourself in another abusive situation like this you will leave. You don't delay or give him chances, you know what doesn't work with abusers. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 (edited) If you've been together for 3 years and he hasn't given you any indicators of being abusive, then it does sound like something that you need to work out with your therapist. It's hard and painful for sure, but you can't let the past destroy your future. There are lots of healthy hetero marriages or live-in relationships where there is no abuse or cheating. You should always be aware and assert your boundaries and take steps to protect yourself (for instance, do you have a bank account that only you can access if you need to leave immediately? it's good to make that a practice regardless of who you are with), but at the same time you also have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and take that step. I'd liken it to climbing - you need to have your safety harness and take all the relevant precautions, but at the same time you also need to face your fear and carry on doing the thing that you want to do in spite of the fear. All the best. Edited August 28 by Els 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted September 3 Share Posted September 3 On 8/27/2024 at 8:24 PM, ms.stressed said: He doesn't know everything about my past, Hey OP: just wanted to address this item. I know you're probably trying to protect him or protect yourself. But by not letting him know the details of your past you're really setting him up to trigger you. Let's face it, all trauma creates "soft spots" that can easily trigger the trauma recipient that wouldn't trigger someone else who hadn't had the trauma. By sharing the details of your past, you're setting him up to successfully navigate these soft spots and be the best relationship partner he can be. Just think it over. Mrin Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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