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My husband leads a double life and I'm not sure I should stay


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21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you (understandably) intend to leave him, then "gaining some financial independence" would be a must I think.

At the risk of going off topic, this financial aspect makes me feel the whole (now called) "tradwife" lifestyle concept does a huge disservice to those who get caught up in it. I suppose it can be great IF things work out perfectly, but there are so many ways things might end up not working out, and life tends to throw curveballs at us even if (which WASN'T your case) our partner doesn't. It tends to be bad for the higher earner as well as in many places they need to pay more support based on greater income disparity.

At any rate, I would guess you DON'T want to be raising your kid in a homeless shelter or similar. So again, addressing the financial aspect will be a major part of leaving (assuming you choose to).

She's not going to end up in a homeless shelter.  She's more than likely, going to end up with the house, alimony, and child support.  Yes, she'll need to find a job, but it's not going to be as dire as you suggested it could be.

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On 8/14/2024 at 7:58 PM, DarcyJames said:

Exactly. It would be going against my values and it would be betraying myself, ultimately. I refuse to hate myself again like I did the first time we went through this. I feel more level headed this time around. It's nice to see other people, yourself included, say that I'm not ridiculous in thinking that this is unacceptable to me. I also feel like an idiot for having been faithful for over 2 decades. I've never even sent a nude to anyone or received one either. I feel very duped. 

He fooled you by lying. It’s not “betraying yourself” to have self respect against someone who has betrayed you and lied to you for years. He’s made your union a farce.

it’s the opposite - it’s honoring yourself to leave relationships that aren’t honest, respectful and authentic!

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mark clemson
18 hours ago, tzorno said:

She's not going to end up in a homeless shelter. 

Possibly true, but that really depends on a lot of factors. It could end up that way but I was being a bit hyperbolic and agree that's not actually a high probability outcome.

At any rate, divorce tends to not be a walk in the park for folks financially. From what I understand some turn out a lot better than others and, the world being what it is, either starting rich or having a solid income is clearly going to be a big factor. Finding a new partner who if financially well off can also be a factor.

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DarcyJames

Thanks for your comments everyone. I won't end up in a homeless shelter. But I do need to be smart about finances. I'm learning a lot about "secret sexual basements" and the trauma they inflict on the partners of these people. I need all the learning I can get in order to actually make the decision I need to make. I'm still afraid to, but I'm getting there. 

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On 8/21/2024 at 7:25 AM, DarcyJames said:

Question - should I be discussing with him how serious this is to me (again!) or just gather info and confront him with a separation?

I think you’ve had this discussion with him before… you know how it’s going to go. He’s going to apologize, he will tell you that he will not do it again - but you have to know by now that it’s not going to stop. If the past is any predictor of the future, it’s not going to stop. 

I would simply tell him that I wanted to separate. I would file for divorce. 

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DarcyJames

So, I booked another appointment with a mediator to get more information. I feel torn because things are going relatively well on the outside, although nothing has been worked on or anything. I keep going bavk to "its not that bad what he's done" to shaking myself with some sense. I am second guessing if what he did was that bad. It was, right?? Am I in denial or something? I want to be stronger than this. 

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mark clemson

Divorcing after 20+ years is easier said than done. You'll have to weigh what's important to you, etc. I will say that, after all this, it doesn't really make sense to trust your husband to do other than continue what he has been doing, unfortunately.

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DarcyJames
1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Divorcing after 20+ years is easier said than done. You'll have to weigh what's important to you, etc. I will say that, after all this, it doesn't really make sense to trust your husband to do other than continue what he has been doing, unfortunately.

Thank you. Yes, the pattern of behavior sucks. He's also a high functioning alcoholic and I cannot drink, so that's another big issue. I'm tired.

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ExpatInItaly
9 hours ago, DarcyJames said:

Am I in denial or something?

Yes, but it's understanable. 

You've spent a long time with him and have a life together. It's hard to walk away, but what he's been doing undermines and disrespects the very core of your marriage (and you as a person) He has never been fully in it with you. And it isn't going to get better. 

 

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DarcyJames
3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but it's understanable. 

You've spent a long time with him and have a life together. It's hard to walk away, but what he's been doing undermines and disrespects the very core of your marriage (and you as a person) He has never been fully in it with you. And it isn't going to get better. 

 

Thank you. I need to keep hearing things like this. I think eventually it will sink in fully. It's starting to, but it's taking time. I just want to FEEL it instead of just knowing it cognitively. I just keep taking steps towards independence even if they seem minor, they are and will add up and I think that when I'm actually ready to do something about it all, I'll be in a better place logistically. 

 

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I know how you feel Darcy.  When a marriage ends after 20+ years (30 for me), your world gets turned upside down.  The comfort is gone and replaced with stress, fear, and uncertainty.  It's hard to decide if you want to change the life you have now or just conform to it because it's easier.  You can stay in the relationship, but you know it's just a facade.  The most important thing in any relationship is trust, and thats gone.

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Ask yourself - do you want another 20 years of this behavior? If you don’t - then make sure it ends!

life is too short to stay feeling miserable.

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DarcyJames
On 9/5/2024 at 8:06 AM, tzorno said:

I know how you feel Darcy.  When a marriage ends after 20+ years (30 for me), your world gets turned upside down.  The comfort is gone and replaced with stress, fear, and uncertainty.  It's hard to decide if you want to change the life you have now or just conform to it because it's easier.  You can stay in the relationship, but you know it's just a facade.  The most important thing in any relationship is trust, and thats gone.

Thank you. It's helpful to hear from you, with the 30 year marriage. I'm almost there. Most of the stuff I read online are from people in like, 7 year relationships, which doesn't compare at all to what I've been in. I definitely want things to change. In my head I know exactly that I need to leave and why. In my heart I have a hard time coming to terms with that reality, but I'm better than I was. Only 2 years ago, I couldn't even admit that out loud to myself, let alone to anyone else. Trust is completely gone. I imagine my life alone and it. is. glorious. I think writing in these forums (I've tried this one and another one so far) helps me to slowly get my heart to match my brain.

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DarcyJames
On 9/5/2024 at 1:08 PM, S2B said:

Ask yourself - do you want another 20 years of this behavior? If you don’t - then make sure it ends!

life is too short to stay feeling miserable.

Heck no. I keep worrying that being in my 40s means I'm too old, but then I think that's ridiculous. I do not want to live like this indefinitely. 

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DarcyJames
On 9/5/2024 at 4:23 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but it's understanable. 

You've spent a long time with him and have a life together. It's hard to walk away, but what he's been doing undermines and disrespects the very core of your marriage (and you as a person) He has never been fully in it with you. And it isn't going to get better. 

 

Thank you for this reminder. I need to hear this over and over again. I hope it will sink in eventually. I think it will.

 

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DarcyJames
On 9/4/2024 at 9:29 PM, mark clemson said:

Divorcing after 20+ years is easier said than done. You'll have to weigh what's important to you, etc. I will say that, after all this, it doesn't really make sense to trust your husband to do other than continue what he has been doing, unfortunately.

No it really doesn't make sense. Which is why I'm hesitant to even bring it up again - it won't change anything. The only thing I can change is me.

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