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My ex-MM and I are both in our 30s and coworkers. We connected last summer and became best friends instantly, though with an undercurrent of flirtation. I was in a long term relationship and he got married shortly after we became friends. We admitted our feelings to each other in January. I left my relationship about a month later, for unrelated reasons. It’s been a mostly emotional affair, but did get physical a handful of times, though not to the level of sex. 

We’ve always been very open and communicative. At first, he had no immediate plans to leave his wife but expressed wanting to do so eventually and us being together in the future. Over the next few months, our feelings became stronger, his marriage started having problems, and we slowly made plans to be together. Two weeks before he ended things, he said he would be asking for divorce soon and we would be together. 

Two weeks later, we were talking about some of our plans. Then, he suddenly changed his mind. He decided he wasn’t going to leave his wife, partly because of her health, wanting to work on the marriage, and other reasons I’m unclear about.

i was devastated and still am. It was a major shock. We stayed in touch, though kinda distantly. It’s been about six weeks and now we’re back to being best friends. We text everyday and see each other at least twice a week. We still have feelings for each other, I still want to be with him, but he said he has no hope of that happening. Is this a disaster waiting to happen? I’m not sure how he can work on his marriage and us be so close, especially when I still want to be together and we both have feelings for each other. At the same time, he is my best friend.  

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basil67

It's time to back away and protect your heart.  This guy is just a typical cheater who wants his cake and eat it too - hang around here for a bit and you'll see this exact story repeated over and over and over again.  The guy is lying to his wife, and he's stringing you along and you're letting him do it!  

My best advice is to find a new job and go NC with him.  Yes, it will hurt, but you will recover and hopefully this will serve as a learning experience.  You can't live your life properly if you're hankering after something which isn't yours to have.  Find your own good man

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BaileyB
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Wash9 said:

Is this a disaster waiting to happen?

I think the disaster has already happened. You have invested a lot in this relationship and he has chosen his marriage. That, to me, would be disaster. 
 

2 hours ago, Wash9 said:

I’m not sure how he can work on his marriage and us be so close

I’m sure his wife would feel the same, don’t you agree? Put yourself in her position, how would you feel if your husband was “best friends” with another woman? Would you be ok with that? If not, I would suggest that it’s time to back off.

I am a big believer that you can’t, you shouldn’t, stay friends with a married man. First, as I said above, it crosses all kinds of boundaries and it’s very inappropriate. But more - it’s painful for the person who wants more, when those feelings are not reciprocated. It’s so unfair of him to ask you to continue the relationship in this way when he has chosen his wife/marriage. But - it’s up to you to find the self respect to tell him that you deserve more than this. You have to find that courage, and that means walking away… if for no other reason than self protection. 

Edited by BaileyB
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ExpatInItaly

You two aren't besties. You're affair partners. 

There is a significant difference, and you need to end this completely. I know you were shocked that he didn't actually leave his wife, but it is not shocking at all (to the outside observer) Most married men do not actually leave their marriages. He's a typical cake-eater. 

Please, find the strength and self-respect to stay away from him. You're in for nothing but more pain if you keep him in your life. 

 

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stillafool
7 hours ago, Wash9 said:
Quote

We still have feelings for each other, I still want to be with him, but he said he has no hope of that happening.

He never did.  He doesn't feel the same way about you that you do for him.

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Is this a disaster waiting to happen?

I agree with Bailey, the disaster is already in motion and is happening.

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I’m not sure how he can work on his marriage and us be so close, especially when I still want to be together and we both have feelings for each other. At the same time, he is my best friend.

He isn't working on anything he just said that to back you up so you'll stop expecting him to leave his wife, because he never had plans to do that.  

 

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mark clemson

Plenty of non-affair relationships are suddenly ended unilaterally. These things happen, and it's really not that different in an affair situation, except of course that an attached person has someone else to "go back to".

Dust yourself off, take some time to heal emotionally, and move on. Whatever his/their fate will be it's not really your concern any longer. Build a life/social identify for yourself (including presumably a new partner) that no longer includes your AP, as you might do with any prior lover who's ended things with you.

Edited by mark clemson
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