I fell in love with my professor and he shows way too interest in me

[Arando]

I know how people react to this kind of posts but i know me and my life better than anyone and i need to talk about this. My professor shows way too interest and care for me, i thought he might even like me romantically. He's always been nervous around me when i went to his office hours which i thought was just the way he is one on one, but he's been showing me a lot of attention during lessons, smiling when he sees me, always trying to get closer, looking at me a lot, leaning towards me when explaining things. He once acknowledged my presence in front of a whole classroom for reasons i can't write because i'm a bit paranoid and it would be a bit too obvious if someone that knew me were to read this but i found it a bit weird to do, other times he stared so much at me even other students noticed, getting red and trying to divert the attention when i talked a lot with guys and so on, but he never acted in a inappropriate way towards me. I once tried completely ignoring him like an idiot to prove it was all in my head and i had to get over it all but he ended up giving me even more attention that day. It always seemed to me like he acted as if he had a crush on me but when he did he then realized and the next time he would hold back but then slip again and he's generally been giving me all these mixed signals up until a month ago or so when lessons ended.

Since then i've been going to his office hours when there really isn't much reason to go anymore but i'm interested in getting to learn even small things i don't understand about the subjects and i also want to see him as much as i can. He's all of a sudden been more open and caring towards me, he doesn't seem nervous around me anymore, going out of his way to to help me get better grades, suddendly talking to me informally when it's just the two of us, really wanting me to understand classes material. This time there was another student and he made a comment about how much care he showed when i couldn't understand something and how much he got worked up over it, he thought it seemed unusual. There is this weird connection when we look at each other. I thought he might've realized i have feelings for him or maybe he's not sure about it. I slowly couldn't help but to fall in love with him from the beginning of it all, before he even started showing all these behaviors, it started as just a bit more interest in him as a person rather than just a professor that grew more and more. I tried to stop it but i couldn't so i just always tried to never act on it. It doesn't feel like a crush or an infatuation, i don't just fantasize about him like that. I feel a deep care for him, want to know how he's doing, help him with whatever and keep him company. I've seen some of his flaws in the way he behaves and i don't like them but i find even those are what makes him so i like that too about him.

Now i can't see him for just only two weeks before i got my last exam with him but i can't help but miss him and wanting to go see him this week too during office hours with an excuse but know i shouldn't. When it's like this it's like a big important chunk is missing from my life and it hurts to the point i sometimes find myself crying about it. Not really from just not seeing him but from knowing i can't see him unless it's office hours and even though i have his phone number i can't even text him unless it's something academic related. Despite it all i'm still unsure how he feels about me, if he just got a particular interest in me as a student, liked the attention and cares a lot about my academic success, if he for some reason cares about me as a person overall or does have feelings for me but can't act because of his position or possibly because he is unsure about the way i feel instead or maybe all of these. I was thinking of sending him a text anyway explaining everything to him in a thoughtful manner that might not ruin our student-professor relationship but i couldn't do it knowing we would have to see each other again and i could potentially make him uncomfortable or worse. I wish i could just text him to ask how he is doing but i can't even do that. I wonder how i will feel when i will be done with the exam and i'll probably never see him again, even though once i'm done there really wouldn't be anything stopping us from getting to know each other more if he wanted to. I feel like i will never stop missing him and get over the not knowing how he really feels about me. I'm scared it'll hurt me going to lessons knowing he is just a few staircases away and i won't even be able to go and say hello to him. I'm not looking specifically for us having a romantic relationship, i just wish he could stay in my life and i could stay in his, in a way we could both make each other happy about it.

[Gebidozo]

Is the professor single?

If so, maybe you could wait until you aren’t his student anymore, and then set up a meeting with him and tell him how you feel (it’s much better than texting).

I know it’s an unpopular opinion, but I don’t see anything wrong in a romantic relationship between a professor and a grown up student, provided that the student is no longer officially in his class.

[NuevoYorko]

I guess you can ask him out after you're no longer his student as long as he's single and the university has no rules about students and professors dating each other.  

Of course you are not going to want to hear this - but it's up to you to move on from this if it's not going to go anywhere, and the only way to do it is to stop indulging yourself in your focus on him.  

It's always a "tell" that the person is spending a lot of time in their imagination when their post about the object of their infatuation veers off into the territory of how long the person stared, their nervousness, etc.   

What you're not tracking when you do  this is how extremely intently, and for long periods,  you must be gazing at the person in order to pick up on every nuanced detail about their body language and eye contact, and to make interpretations about those things. That is not typical in social interactions and it WILL and always DOES make the other person react to YOUR focus.   And this, in turn, feeds into your infatuation.

Anyway, maybe he does return your feelings and if this is the case, he will happily accept your invitation of a date - if he's single - and the two of you can see where that will lead.

On the other hand, if you're not willing,  if it will jeopardize his work,  and most of all if he's not single - you're just going to have to stop focussing on this man and move on.  

 

[stillafool]

If he's a single man go for it once you finish his class.  Is he single?

[Arando]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Is the professor single?

 

36 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If he's a single man go for it once you finish his class.  Is he single?

I don't know for sure if he's single, but he doesn't wear a ring and never mentioned a wife or partner, there are no pictures either on his social media. I don't really know how i would go about finding out unless i just asked him directly and that would be a giveaway of how i feel anyway.

 

 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Arando said:

 

I don't know for sure if he's single, but he doesn't wear a ring and never mentioned a wife or partner, there are no pictures either on his social media. I don't really know how i would go about finding out unless i just asked him directly and that would be a giveaway of how i feel anyway.

If you want to make something happen, giving away your attraction is a risk you must be prepared to take.  

[Alpacalia]

Does the professor have a coconut?🥥

Haha I'm just being spicy.

Are you really sure if he likes you then if you have to question it? He may just be a caring and supportive teacher who wants to see all of his students succeed. It is natural to develop strong feelings for someone who shows us attention and care, but it's important to make sure those feelings are reciprocated and appropriate.

I would highly recommend avoiding contacting him outside of academic reasons and trying to find other sources of support for your emotional needs. Wait until you're finished with the class and exams to re-evaluate the situation and make a decision on whether or not to pursue anything further. It's important to remember that no matter what, he is your professor and there is a power imbalance in your relationship, so proceed with caution.

Edited July 3, 2024 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

If he is interested, he's not looking for a life long friendship...he's wanting sex just like any other man. 

[Gaeta]

On 7/3/2024 at 7:24 AM, Arando said:

It doesn't feel like a crush or an infatuation, i don't just fantasize about him like that. I feel a deep care for him, want to know how he's doing, help him with whatever and keep him company

Yes it is a student being infatuated with her professor and nothing more. To care deeply about someone we need to know them, and you do not 'know' him as a man, you simply are aware of him as a professor. You will get over this just like we all got our first crush/infatuation. 

[Yuna97]

Hey everyone, I’m in a really complicated situation and could really use some advice or opinions. I’ve been dealing with mixed signals from an older man (me 25, him 49), who was a professor of mine and i recently found out is married and I’m confused about what to make of it all.

At first, I didn’t realize he was married, couldn't find out anything on it (believe me, i tried) and I couldn't help but to start to develop feelings for him. While he never really pursued me in any romantic way and our relationship was mostly professional, he was kind, caring and even affectionate and always made sure I was doing okay, both in my career but also personally, i noticed he often blushed around me or acted in ways which made it seem like he might've had a crush on me.

Whenever I voiced any concerns or doubts about our interactions, beyond the professional scope, he would reassure me that everything was fine, and that I didn’t need to worry. I eventually asked him if he was married, but he avoided answering that question and i didn't bring it up anymore since it wasn't clear what our relationship was exactly yet and i didn't want to make it more awkward or cross boundaries.

The next time we saw each other though, he suddendly was being very obviously romantic, being extra affectionate and acting in a way that felt more than just friendly, he never crossed any lines and never was touchy with me but that day he suddendly was, although the whole time he seemed to be holding back when i reciprocated. Then, after that day, we couldn’t see each other for a while, he suddendly felt more distant and when I came back and told him i had feelings he rejected me, saying I was too young for him and had my whole life ahead of me still and he couldn't give me what he felt is best for me.

But this is where things get even more confusing, he rejected me but still said deep sweet and caring things about me, and kept giving me long and tight hugs to reassure me despite me not asking for them or initiating them. It was so mixed, because after everything, he was still treating me with even more care and affection, even though he was rejecting the possibility of anything more.

So the next time we saw each other i told him that i understood his concerns but that i really didn't care about age and i asked him again if he was married and told him that if he was he could've told me earlier, only then he finally told me, i feel he could've mentioned it at least the day he rejected me. When he told me, he also rushed it, almost laughing it off and saying something along the lines of “Of course I’m married, i'm older.” I was hurt that he hadn’t mentioned his marriage at all before, since if he did maybe i could've stopped myself before it got this far. But it felt like he wasn't taking that detail seriously, like he thought there ever was no need to talk about that. He also told me that he doesn’t think about his affection in terms of labels and this left me feeling even more uncertain.

Did his actions not mean what I thought they did and it was all in my head or what? On one hand, I feel like he was just being affectionate in a friendly way, and I misread the situation, but that day keeps bugging me. And on the other hand, it feels like he cares about me in a deeper way, but I’m just too young for him, or maybe it’s just too complicated because of his marriage, or both. It's hard to think it was just attraction or he was enjoying my attention since he's always been this thoughtful.

After all of this he still insists on wanting to be there for me if need be and that he cares about me and we can still be friends if i want that. What I don’t understand is why he kept being affectionate and reassuring me if he didn’t want anything more. It’s left me feeling really conflicted. Should I move on completely, or is there still a chance for something meaningful, even if in a non-romantic way and considering he's married? I’m just really unsure about what to do next.

 

TL;DR: I'm in a complicated situation with a former professor who showed me kindness, care, and affection, and also blushed around me and such, he was even touchy and flirty at some point while still holding back when i reciprocated, leading to mixed signals and confusion. When i told him i had feelings he rejected me due to our age difference, but continued to be affectionate. I discovered he was married after this, when he finally told me after i asked him again, since the first time i did (before he rejected me) he avoided answering the question altogether, when he told me he also brushed it off as it should've been obvious and there was no need for him to ever bring it up. He still insists on caring and wanting to be there for me as friends if that's what i need. I'm torn between moving on and exploring a non-romantic connection and what this all means.

Edited April 6 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[SunshineRainSun24]

Sounds like he wants you to aggressively pursue him, so it lessens his guilt. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/5/2025 at 1:37 PM, Yuna97 said:

What I don’t understand is why he kept being affectionate and reassuring me if he didn’t want anything more.

Possibly so you didn't get angry with him and report him to the faculty head or find a way to tell his wife. 

Stay away from this man. Creep vibes all over him. 

[BaileyB]

On 4/5/2025 at 6:37 AM, Yuna97 said:

Hey everyone, I’m in a really complicated situation and could really use some advice or opinions.

It’s not complicated at all - if he is married, he is not available to have a relationship with you. 
 

On 4/5/2025 at 6:37 AM, Yuna97 said:

Should I move on completely, or is there still a chance for something more?

Without a doubt, you should move on.  

Married women don’t generally approve if their husband develops a “friendship” with another woman. To be fair, you don’t have a friendship with this man - you are clearly flirting with danger here. Add to that, his employer will definitely not approve of this relationship - be it friendship or “more.” 

I agree - this guy has “creep” written all over him. It’s very possible that you are not the first student he has flirted with… Age is the least of the concerns here… The best decision is to put some distance between you - I would go no contact. 

Edited April 14 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

On 4/14/2025 at 1:30 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Possibly so you didn't get angry with him and report him to the faculty head or find a way to tell his wife. 

Stay away from this man. Creep vibes all over him. 

This is what I'm thinking.  He's trying to be nice so you don't get him in trouble with your crush.  Professors are used to younger women crushing on them.  Also he like the attention but doesn't want more.