I'm thinking of leaving my alcoholic wife.

[deeperVisions]

My wife and I have been married for about 4.5 years.  We have dated/lived together for 7.5 years preceding our marriage.  A total of ~12 years.  The first 8 years our drinking was well controlled.  We did on occasion drink on a weeknight, but by and large the drinking was a weekend release for us.   And even with the “weekend release” it wasn’t always an out of hand drinking sort of thing.   About 4 years ago my wife’s drinking quickly transitioned from mostly weekend drinking to drinking once or twice during the week in addition to the wknd.  Then 3 nights a week. Then to 4 to 5 weeknights.  And now virtually every night (7 nights/week) for approximately the last 3 years.  When it became daily drinking, I talked with her about it.  She said it would get better, so I let it go naively thinking it would turn around.  The drinking did not get better.  Over the last 3 years I’ve had numerous (at least 7 or 😎 talks with her about drinking.  And that is met with what has become the usual – “it’ll get better, I promise.”  My talks were serious, but not mean or belittling.  I know I can’t make her want to quit.   The last 2 talks I flat out told her that I won’t live with an alcoholic.  I didn’t tell her I was leaving, only that I would not continue the rest of my life like this - hoping that would kick her thoughts into action.  She always has the same reaction of what I now call “kicking the can down the road” with the “it’ll get better show.”  And – I guess I should clarify when I say she drinks – she gets trashed, not just a little buzzed.  She falls from being drunk  1 – 3x/month, broken tables,  dents in the wall from crashing into furniture, wine spills everywhere, has a memory (when drinking) of approximately 20 – 30 seconds, just stares into space.  She routinely drinks about 58-60 oz. of a 64 oz. jug of wine/night.  Almost a ½ gallon per night.  If she runs out of wine – she gets into whatever is there (we don’t keep a ton of stuff but there is often tequila or vodka from mixed drinks I had from weeks ago).

I still love her and when she is not drinking, we get along great.  But I’m 62.  I’m in decent (not great) shape for 62.  I figure I’ve still got quite a few more years of a good life in front of me.  I just do NOT want to spend them being miserable.  This is no way to live.  This has nothing to do with an excuse to look for another woman.  In fact – I’m pretty sure I’d be done with women and just enjoy life as a single.

So – here are my thoughts (although I would love some input from people as I know my answers aren’t always the right answers):  I’m going to start attending Alanon meetings.  I will no longer buy her wine or take her to buy her wine.  If she wants wine – she’ll have to get it herself.  Although I enjoy responsible drinking, I’m going to quit drinking so she can’t throw “well you drink too” in my face.  Quitting drinking is something I’ve thought about for some time anyway.  So that’s not really a huge sacrifice I’d be making.  There will be no more beer or other alcohol left in the house (in fact it’s all gone now as I dumped it a couple of days ago).  I’m going to have ONE MORE TALK with her.  I’m going to let her know – this will be the last talk.  Without yelling, b****ing, threatening, badgering, or begging I’m going to tell her that she has a choice coming up and coming up fairly soon: she can pick me or alcohol.  I really don’t know when I’ll reach the point of calling for that choice to be made, but I do feel sure I can only take this for a few more months before I explode.  There have already been a few times I’ve started to shake from anger over her drinking.  I wouldn’t expect her decision to be made and the next day and she’s cured instantly and the woman I fell in love with again.  But if I were to see true heartfelt effort to stop the drinking that would be HUGE and worth staying with her for me.  But if I don’t see any effort being put forth – I guess I’m going to have to go my own way for my mental health.

 

Would love to hear any input and I will listen with an open mind.

 

Thanks,

deeperVisions

[stillafool]

It will probably take the threat of divorce for "it will get better, I promise" to happen.  She won't change until she's ready to.  My alcoholic cousin's husband stopped drinking too, thinking it would make her stop.  She ended up dying from cirrhosis of the liver.

[d0nnivain]

So 4 years ago -- at the beginning of the Covid lockdowns -- your wife started drinking more & now it's out of control.  Now you want to go quit drinking, stop enabling her, go to Al-Anon & have one more talk with her.   Sounds like a good plan.  My only suggestion is go to that 1st Al Anon meeting before your talk.  They may have some suggestions about how to have that talk including what to & what not to say.  

Understand she has to quit because she wants to.  Doing it for you, won't create lasting change.  Your approval / disapproval may not be her "rock bottom."  

Edited April 22 by d0nnivain

[tzorno]

The above poster has the correct advice.  My ex was/is an alcoholic too and any advice I offer should be taken with a grain of salt as she checked out of our marriage before actions could be taken.  I tried everything I knew at the time.  I quit drinking, I tried to get her help, I even gave in and tried to join her towards the end to save the marriage.  You know the old 'if you cant beat them, join them' adage.  Of course that didn't work.  So of course nothing I did worked, but she didn't love me anymore and didn't care about our relationship so it didn't matter anyways.

I would follow the above posters advice first as they would have experience in the matter that we outsiders don't.  I would then get everything in order (plans, finances if divorce is inevitable, family and friends knowing what is happening, so forth) and then drive her to a recommended rehabilitation center and give her the ultimatum,,,,the booze or me.  You'll have your answer.  

I'm sure my advice is terrible, but it's what I would do.  They either want to fight for the relationship or they don't.

[giotto]

I guess your threat of leaving her will have one of two possible outcomes: she will realise she is going to lose you and will ditch the alcohol or she will think "sod you, bastard" and go back to the alcohol and eventually die of liver failure.

The problem with alcohol is that you have to decide to quit, but the physical addiction is so strong that it's almost impossible. This is why alcoholics are often "forced" into rehab centres against their will. Success rate is very low, though. Tough one, but I personally could not live like that.   

[Oldenuff2know]

I agree with the advice to go to one or more Al Anon meetings before you decide to have the talk with her. I also agree with removing all alcohol from the home and not drinking in front of her to remove any temptation. My daughter went through this issue with her fiancé (before he was her fiancé). The first time he proposed, she told him no and that he had to stop drinking before she would consider accepting his proposal. He didn't think he had a drinking problem. They went through about a year of difficulty. He would drink in secret and lie about it, etc. She ended up buying a breathalyzer and testing him if she came home from work and suspected. He hid alcohol around the house and got more and more creative with his hiding places. She finally kicked him out and he had to hit rock bottom before he finally realized he had a problem that had to be addressed. He got sober and stayed sober for a year before he proposed again. It was a two-year painful journey for both of them.

Long story short, be prepared for this not to happen overnight and decide in advance how long you are willing to hang in there and fight for this. Until she's willing to admit there is an issue, it's going to be a very frustrating journey.