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basil67
2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well I am only interested in attractive people so it's a loss loss situation really. Here I thought one could overcome, apparently not. 

Thanks for your advice, I won't bother asking her to breakfast. 

I thought she was the one asking you to have a friendly breakfast 

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ZA Dater
4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I thought she was the one asking you to have a friendly breakfast 

She keeps saying let's have coffee but then is too busy or responds days later. I'll walk away.

Pity I am not more her type. Career lady no kids, established, fit, confident, intelligent, yeah can see why she'd have tons of options.

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Weezy1973
7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well I am only interested in attractive people so it's a loss loss situation really. Here I thought one could overcome, apparently not. 

You’re only interested in people that aren’t interested in you. If someone is interested in you, by design you won’t be interested in them. As long as you get to live in the fantasy of “possibility” you get to temporarily distract yourself from your loneliness, only for it to come back 10 fold. 

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ZA Dater
7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is so messed up.  If you feel used by people wanting your expertise and advice, have them pay for your time.   But that you feel resentment at being used does not give you the right to use others to get your own needs met. 

Two wrongs don't make a right.

It mutually works, they get what they want while inadvertently giving me the attention I like, the benefits for them does outweigh the attention they give.

 

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ZA Dater
Just now, Weezy1973 said:

You’re only interested in people that aren’t interested in you. If someone is interested in you, by design you won’t be interested in them. As long as you get to live in the fantasy of “possibility” you get to temporarily distract yourself from your loneliness, only for it to come back 10 fold. 

Untrue. Actually had a really nice time with her each time we have spent time so yeah I'd say she is pretty happy with friendzone at arm's length. Just like everyone seemingly is with me.

Nobody attractive has ever been interested in me, that's the entire problem. 

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FredEire
16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, we've heard all this moaning before.  Fact is, while you keep punching above your weight, the same outcome will keep coming your way.  

He's not even punching, he's standing outside the boxing ring telling everyone how he'd love to get in but he's a terrible boxer because nature cursed him with lack of ability to box.

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basil67
5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

It mutually works, they get what they want while inadvertently giving me the attention I like, the benefits for them does outweigh the attention they give.

 

You can be so infuriating!   If it mutually works, why do you say you're "used" by them.   "Used" is a term which reflects feeling taken advantage of

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ZA Dater
2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

He's not even punching, he's standing outside the boxing ring telling everyone how he'd love to get in but he's a terrible boxer because nature cursed him with lack of ability to box.

Mostly true. I have been in that boxing ring,all I have to show for it is rejection and no interest. One thing I can say though, I stayed true to my beliefs and morals.

Must be wonderful to swipe right on people and actually get matches you want. 

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FredEire
1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Mostly true. I have been in that boxing ring,all I have to show for it is rejection and no interest. One thing I can say though, I stayed true to my beliefs and morals.

Must be wonderful to swipe right on people and actually get matches you want. 

Great, I hope that moral satisfaction comforts you as you get older.

I fail to see anything moral or righteous about being too scared to ever try though.

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ZA Dater
2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You can be so infuriating!   If it mutually works, why do you say you're "used" by them.   "Used" is a term which reflects feeling taken advantage of

They have the greater benefit, me I just get to live vicariously thinking how nice it would be to spend more time with them beyond whatever I am helping them with.

 

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basil67
2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Must be wonderful to swipe right on people and actually get matches you want. 

It is indeed wonderful to be able to love and value people who aren't necessarily beautiful.   

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basil67
Just now, ZA Dater said:

They have the greater benefit, me I just get to live vicariously thinking how nice it would be to spend more time with them beyond whatever I am helping them with.

Well then stop bloody doing it if it makes you miserable

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ZA Dater
Just now, FredEire said:

Great, I hope that moral satisfaction comforts you as you get older.

I fail to see anything moral or righteous about being too scared to ever try though.

It does to some degree. I have tried, been rejected every single time. Doesn't matter what I do, there is always someone better so eventually there is zero confidence left and maximum bitterness. Even when I try all the things I am good at it doesn't work.

To succeed you need to believe you can succeed, I simply do not. The limitation for me will always be helpful friend and nothing more.

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ZA Dater
4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It is indeed wonderful to be able to love and value people who aren't necessarily beautiful.   

Valuing someone doesn't mean I want to wake up next to them and share my thoughts with them. 

 

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basil67
2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

It does to some degree. I have tried, been rejected every single time. Doesn't matter what I do, there is always someone better so eventually there is zero confidence left and maximum bitterness. Even when I try all the things I am good at it doesn't work.

To succeed you need to believe you can succeed, I simply do not. The limitation for me will always be helpful friend and nothing more.

This is the natural outcome of punching above your weight.  Whether in sport, business, romance, if you punch above your weight you get left behind

Your dating is the equivalent of entering a 1200cc car in a V8 supercar meet

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basil67
6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Valuing someone doesn't mean I want to wake up next to them and share my thoughts with them. 

But you rule out valuing someone on the basis of their looks.  I rule out valuing someone if they are an arsehole

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Foxhall

You are a strong character mentally anyway at the end of the day,

maybe try to trick your own mind- convince yourself that every women likes you or keep saying that to yourself, (even the hottest ones)

Your a good character- the comments on this thread that stick in my mind are where you helped the guy with the stammer and you wish well for K -

ultimately you deserve to meet the girl you want.

 you could bump into the right girl unexpectedly when your not even looking, keep putting yourself out there I guess

A nice thing perhaps is that the people on this board they love you- (be it secretly or otherwise) you know its good to have that support (lol I would not have that love from the board- but thats my own quirkiness)

yes its good you have that- you can bounce ideas and that around get things off your chest.

 

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FredEire
33 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

It does to some degree. I have tried, been rejected every single time. Doesn't matter what I do, there is always someone better so eventually there is zero confidence left and maximum bitterness. Even when I try all the things I am good at it doesn't work.

To succeed you need to believe you can succeed, I simply do not. The limitation for me will always be helpful friend and nothing more.

Well then I don't think there's much left to say. You've made your bed so you had better lie in it, and best of luck with it.

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OKtoday
12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Because women are complexed human beings that are looking for important qualities in a partner OTHER than sexual experience. If you have the qualities she is looking for in a man, if she finds you attractive, she will look pass your sexual inexperience. She will give it time and patience. 

 

Your last girlfriend stayed with you and tried for quite some time.
 

She didn’t care that you didn’t have much experience …she just wanted to be with you.

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OKtoday
10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

No thanks! This is once again the same tired  'well you know that not so attractive person she could become very attractive over time' absolutely no thank you. Anyway I will ask, who do you think is suited for me? 

I have a lot of respect for you as a person but this post totally misses the mark completely. If you want an apple, you cannot pretend a orange tastes the same as an apple no matter how hard you try, that is just reality. Likewise someone poorly spoken, apathetic, unemployed, in poor shape is never ever going to pique my interest like someone who has their life together, has great general knowledge, confident, gainfully employed. Yes I have purposefully gone to extremes here. 

 

Over time, did you start to find things attractive about your last girlfriend? Maybe you started to see her patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, wanting to be with you attractive???

That was so nice that she baked your first Birthday Cake to make you feel special.

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Gebidozo
4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well I am only interested in attractive people so it's a loss loss situation really. Here I thought one could overcome, apparently not. 

But you can’t overcome your ridiculous prejudices against shorter women, plump women, women with children. Why should attractive women overcome the much more understandable dislike of someone like you?

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Weezy1973

Literally just read this and it’s one of the things @ZA Dater you can change pretty easily:

“Sexual attraction is not a choice. People typically know within three seconds of meeting someone for the first time if they find them attractive or not. When a guy meets a woman he has attraction to, he should facilitate getting together, having fun and initiating romance. If he hesitates, thinks he needs to wait, talks too much and tries to hide his interest, she will lose interest and place him in friends-zone due to his lack of initiative, confidence and his giving off the friendship vibe instead of the lover vibe. Women love men who are direct, decisive and get right to the point, as these are masculine strength traits all [confident] males display.” 

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Gebidozo
4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

She keeps saying let's have coffee but then is too busy or responds days later. I'll walk away.

Pity I am not more her type. Career lady no kids, established, fit, confident, intelligent, yeah can see why she'd have tons of options.

Why would you be her type?

Short, plump women with kids aren’t your type. You are, frankly, much less attractive than an average short, plump woman with kids, because of your moronic ideology. No normal woman would ever like to date an incel. Why should that attractive lady even consider dating you?

You slavishly follow your own guidelines of never dating anyone below your laughable “standards”, but act all surprised when women do the same to you. Why? It’s your own logic, why don’t you follow it to the end?

Do you even see how you can’t keep up with your own thinking? How nothing you say makes any sense even within the tenets of your belief? You know why? Because your thinking is wrong.

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ZA Dater
4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Literally just read this and it’s one of the things @ZA Dater you can change pretty easily:

“Sexual attraction is not a choice. People typically know within three seconds of meeting someone for the first time if they find them attractive or not. When a guy meets a woman he has attraction to, he should facilitate getting together, having fun and initiating romance. If he hesitates, thinks he needs to wait, talks too much and tries to hide his interest, she will lose interest and place him in friends-zone due to his lack of initiative, confidence and his giving off the friendship vibe instead of the lover vibe. Women love men who are direct, decisive and get right to the point, as these are masculine strength traits all [confident] males display.” 

Sure with confidence this might be possible, assuming I can find any. After reading all of the comments maybe I am just better off in the friendzone? Maybe I have more to offer there?

Well exactly 3 seconds this supports my view which has been roundly criticised that attraction mostly does not build over time.

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basil67

I asked earlier why you keep asking the same questions on repeat.  Given that you are never told what you want to hear, it must feel like you're hitting your head with a hammer each time we give our views.   It can't feel good at all, so I'm really wondering why you're choosing to continue doing something which hurts.

Is it some kind of perseveration where you can't get the loop out of your head?   It could explain the   Is negative company better than being alone?   

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