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Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy


AGrPerson

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AGrPerson
33 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Isn't it surprising that he had made all of these plans for the 2 of you and then on your first date he dialed it back to not getting in a relationship until after a month?  I think after you two met he started losing interest but was too much of a coward to say so.  Whatever he had built up in his mind wasn't there for him in person so he started backing away.  That's okay because there are plenty of fish in the sea.  In the future do not let guys just love bomb you.  Tell them they're going too fast and to slow down.  They are under the impression that every girl is pinning for a relationship.  

No, it's not that he dialed it back. He just wanted to set a date for us to be official. He kept love bombing me during and after the first date. He started getting less interested after the first week of us knowing each other.

Edited by AGrPerson
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AGrPerson
30 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

These should have all been major red flags to you.  It is not normal or appropriate for someone to do and say all this to someone they literally just met online and haven't had a first date with yet.  It's no surprise that this whole thing ended just as fast as it began.  You need to develop better judgment and not let someone "love bomb" you like this.

That's true. I have to be more careful from now on.

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AGrPerson
28 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@AGrPerson

The last person I dated said "I love you" and about 3 weeks later, was back with her ex.  She eventually married the guy and moved to the other side of the country.  It was very difficult. Similar to what you went though, while we were together, she talked about a future.  Talked about kids.  Serious things.  But her behavior was too sporadic and unreliable.  I had a very difficult time settling my anxiety down because of that unreliability.  

Granted, she wasn't over her ex, and I came to realize that eventually, so I was the one who reluctantly broke it off and told her to go figure it out.  Really, I never should have dated her but "What if I don't?" was lingering in my head.  I had past regrets from not trying so I went for it.  

In retrospect, we both made errors but I take full responsibility for putting myself in that situation.   Took awhile to heal but I can look back and see how it contributed to the wealth of life experiences that help me stay away from situations like that now.

Talk is cheap OP.    In reality, relationships build with time; going through life together; failing together, going through embarrassing moments together.  Seeing eachother at your worst and learning to be okay with it.  Being in the trenches together is how you build trust and loyalty.  Anyone who tries to fast track this natural process will learn the hard way.

Coping strategies

Remove his number from your phone and anything that reminds you of him.  When you get it out of your sight, it'll eventually leave your mind.  With a short duration situation like this,  a month or two should help.   Anything longer than that, may be more about what's going on with you on a deeper level which is its own matter.  If your pain makes you want to contact him, write a journal instead, saying everything you want to say.

Don't date to forget the previous guy.  That's a habit you don't want to practice yourself into.  Doesn't allow you to really delve into yourself.  Solitude is important in healing.

- Beach

Thank you for your suggestions! That's exactly how it happened with me. I feel he wanted to find someone nice and be in a relationship. He was more interested in the prospect of a relationship rather than the person he had across him.

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stillafool
11 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

No, it's not that he dialed it back. He just wanted to set a date for us to be official. He kept love bombing me during and after the first date. He started getting less interested after the first week of us knowing each other.

Think about that for a moment. The very first week.  

 

15 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

 

The problem is I'm thinking about the first week and what could have been and that makes me depressed and sad to the point that I want to text him... 

He started losing interest the first week.  There was nothing that could have been.  He doesn't deserve any more of your attention.

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3 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! His behaviour was definitely concerning, but he might have been too infatuated and not lying I think.

I hear you, OP. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. But you say that after that first disappointment, he started avoiding you and "would also make simple promises and never keep them."

An inherently honest guy would have ended things with you in a more straightforward way, and he would be genuinely apologetic about misleading you.

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AGrPerson
6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I hear you, OP. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. But you say that after that first disappointment, he started avoiding you and "would also make simple promises and never keep them."

An inherently honest guy would have ended things with you in a more straightforward way, and he would be genuinely apologetic about misleading you.

When we had a discussion about his behaviour, he agreed with me when I said that I feel that I give more to him than I take from him and when I said that I feel like he doesn't make me a priority. He never apologized though and said that it was because he is too busy. He also wanted us to keep seeing each other, but less frequently since he would be starting a new job. He didn't even apologize for sleeping and missing our date.

Edited by AGrPerson
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d0nnivain

It was 2 dates. . . there wasn't enough time for either of you to give much. 

Him sleeping through the date & not apologizing is an indication that he just didn't care.  

Let this go.  Learn from it.  Move forward.  

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Alpacalia
3 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

So, you think that he wasn't serious about me from the start, and that he only wanted to hook me in order to tailor our communication to his terms?

I said it was a guess. We can speculate but the important take-away from this is that when you just meet someone, a guy that is genuinely interested in going to calibrate
his communication style to fit yours, so both of you feel comfortable. Not put all these 3 week promises and not even knowing anything about you because at that point you were complete strangers.

Your job is to pace your emotions. If the guy is telling you that you're the hottest thing since sliced bologna then you need to take a deep breath, step back and tell him that you need to put the breaks on the attention. This is you setting and communicating the pace that you're comfortable at. Because you can easily see with this guy that one week he's all in and the next 3 he's all out. 

The problem is that you were dog paddling and not treading water. You can't fall in love in a week and make plans of meeting the parents and going on vacation. That transforms someone from a stranger to a life partner in a week. Get it? 

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@AGrPerson

3 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your suggestions! That's exactly how it happened with me. I feel he wanted to find someone nice and be in a relationship. He was more interested in the prospect of a relationship rather than the person he had across him.

Whatever it is, he's wasting your time and that's what you should focus on. 

Love Bombing you and talking about a future when you two hardly know eachother is a red flag.  There's no history between you to to legitimize those feelings so where is all of it coming from?  Shows insincerity there. Also indicates the person has poor control of their feelings.   There is no way for someone to feel those things so early on.

Personally, if I'm interested in someone I just met, I'll make myself available whenever I'm able to.   I won't behave in a way that would give the other person doubts.  I wouldn't behave in a way that to jeopardize that possibility.  Same thing if I'm in a relationship.  I wouldn't do things that would risk losing the person because I'd be committed to a future with them.

Those people that are hot/cold or just not giving you much to work with, are uninvested. 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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AGrPerson
3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I said it was a guess. We can speculate but the important take-away from this is that when you just meet someone, a guy that is genuinely interested in going to calibrate
his communication style to fit yours, so both of you feel comfortable. Not put all these 3 week promises and not even knowing anything about you because at that point you were complete strangers.

Your job is to pace your emotions. If the guy is telling you that you're the hottest thing since sliced bologna then you need to take a deep breath, step back and tell him that you need to put the breaks on the attention. This is you setting and communicating the pace that you're comfortable at. Because you can easily see with this guy that one week he's all in and the next 3 he's all out. 

The problem is that you were dog paddling and not treading water. You can't fall in love in a week and make plans of meeting the parents and going on vacation. That transforms someone from a stranger to a life partner in a week. Get it? 

I agree that actions speak louder than words. And in his case he would constantly make promises he couldn't keep and excuses. 

I'll keep your suggestions in mind in case I'm in a similar situation in the future.

Yeah, he moved too fast too soon.

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AGrPerson
1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@AGrPerson

Whatever it is, he's wasting your time and that's what you should focus on. 

Love Bombing you and talking about a future when you two hardly know eachother is a red flag.  There's no history between you to to legitimize those feelings so where is all of it coming from?  Shows insincerity there. Also indicates the person has poor control of their feelings.   There is no way for someone to feel those things so early on.

Personally, if I'm interested in someone I just met, I'll make myself available whenever I'm able to.   I won't behave in a way that would give the other person doubts.  I wouldn't behave in a way that to jeopardize that possibility.  Same thing if I'm in a relationship.  I wouldn't do things that would risk losing the person because I'd be committed to a future with them.

Those people that are hot/cold or just not giving you much to work with, are uninvested. 

- Beach

You are absolutely right. No person that's interested in someone would exhibit this kind of behaviour. At least I feel so much better after cutting communication with him. This whole rollercoaster of emotions kept having a toll on my mental health.

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A few weeks talking and 2 dates with someone who faded and stood you up shouldn't be a "rollercoaster or mental health issue". Please try to keep things in perspective. He turned out to be a disappointment. 

You have your friends, family, work, school, interests, hobbies, etc. One disappointing jerk should not be affecting your mental health unless there are serious underlying conditions. 

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AGrPerson
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

A few weeks talking and 2 dates with someone who faded and stood you up shouldn't be a "rollercoaster or mental health issue". Please try to keep things in perspective. He turned out to be a disappointment. 

You have your friends, family, work, school, interests, hobbies, etc. One disappointing jerk should not be affecting your mental health unless there are serious underlying conditions. 

You think that it's concerning I've let this whole thing affect me so much?

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stillafool
5 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

You think that it's concerning I've let this whole thing affect me so much?

We know, but why?

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AGrPerson
2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

We know, but why?

For me it's the love bombing and future planning on the start that made me raise my hopes too much and the sudden lose of interest that shocked me and left me puzzled.

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stillafool
9 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

For me it's the love bombing and future planning on the start that made me raise my hopes too much and the sudden lose of interest that shocked me and left me puzzled.

Well now you know that when they love bomb you to not pay attention to that because it's not sincere.  When we know better we do better.   Good luck.

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@AGrPerson

47 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

For me it's the love bombing and future planning on the start that made me raise my hopes too much and the sudden lose of interest that shocked me and left me puzzled.

I felt the same way.   Flings like this can feel like fever; can take a 1 month thing and make it feel like a 5 year relationship. That's actually the telltale sign that the relationship is wrong since a healthy actually is slower-paced.  If you're lacking experience and confidence in yourself, maybe because of underlying issues, you may not catch this.

For me, falling for stuff like this was both because of inexperience and confidence issues.  The confidence issues were rooted in something deeper from my past which I had to delve into and work through.  I didn't need therapy but I did apply some journaling exercises to help me draw out my thoughts, make sense of them, and then map a plan out to resolve the problem.   Takes some experience and sometimes, some introspection.

Give it a little bit of time.  You'll bounce back.  

Edited by Beachead
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"You think that it's concerning I've let this whole thing affect me so much?". 

It's unclear why you ask a question After it's answered. Perhaps you have a flair for the dramatic? "Devastated!" "Rollercoaster!" "Mental health!"  (After 2 dates?) or just enjoy debating and countering and combating everyone trying to participate in your topic? 

You ended it when he stood you up on the third date so you had the wherewithall to see that clearly. 

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Here is something to help you move on.

I don't beleive he felt asleep and missed your date. It's more probable he was out on a date with someone else.

I remember this guy lovebombing me like there was no tomorrow. On our first coffee he was future faking already. When l got home afterward l got a text from him *Suzie honey sorry l missed your call l fell asleep* my name is not Suzie.

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Alpacalia
5 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

I agree that actions speak louder than words. And in his case he would constantly make promises he couldn't keep and excuses. 

I'll keep your suggestions in mind in case I'm in a similar situation in the future.

Yeah, he moved too fast too soon.

It happens. It has happened to me, albeit, I wouldn't say the guy love-bombed me (at least I don't think so 🤪), so much as that I became quite smitten and attached in a relatively short about of time.

When we stopped dating I was very upset probably more so then some of my longer relationships but I attribute that to more a sense of 'what could have been, if I only did this, or if he only did that...' and well, because I met someone that I really liked after a long time and could envision a future with.

Give yourself some grace and just try to learn from this experience the best you can.

 

Edited by Alpacalia
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ShyViolet
10 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

When we had a discussion about his behaviour, he agreed with me when I said that I feel that I give more to him than I take from him and when I said that I feel like he doesn't make me a priority. 

"Doesn't make you a priority"?  This is a guy you went on TWO DATES with.

It doesn't make sense to be talking like this with a guy you went on TWO DATES with.  You make it sound like it was a relationship.  It wasn't.  You are making way too much out of this.

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Alpacalia

Yes, I am trying to think about this a bit more that while him standing you up was indeed a jerk move, effectively you would have had one date a week so he didn't really have enough time to prove that he was going to be consistent.

Maybe you could label that first week as the honeymoon period and people are often on the best behaviour but unfortunately, for a proportion it falls off.

Dating is a good way to figure out how compatible you are with a person rather than the 'love goggles' telling you how compatible you are. Generally you date to see whether their values are matching yours, do you laugh to similar things, you have sexual compatibility or even just compatibility. 

The very early request of "No other people while we are dating" from day one before knowing you is a red flag. I think casual dating nowadays is mostly understood, it is always good to talk about it but my main advice is to focus on the positive and keeping the negative in a box and then throwing the box away. Not "I waited for you to show up and you didn't" (good hint for bad future dating behavior though) but "What did I learn from people I dated before, what did I learn from him, what advice would I give myself as if I was my own friend/pet/potplant."

The thing is, while he did make a lot of grand gestures and compliments initially, there wasn't quite enough time to see if he's consistent in his behaviour. It's common for people to present themselves very positively in the first few weeks of dating and then slowly reveal their true selves.

Edited by Alpacalia
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4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I remember this guy lovebombing me like there was no tomorrow. On our first coffee he was future faking already. When l got home afterward l got a text from him *Suzie honey sorry l missed your call l fell asleep* my name is not Suzie.

Oh my goodness! 😂😂

12 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

When we had a discussion about his behaviour, he agreed with me when I said that I feel that I give more to him than I take from him and when I said that I feel like he doesn't make me a priority. He never apologized though and said that it was because he is too busy. He also wanted us to keep seeing each other, but less frequently since he would be starting a new job. He didn't even apologize for sleeping and missing our date.

Interesting. If this was a normal situation and he was too busy but genuinely interested in you and didn't want to hurt you, he wouldn't have expected you to be happy about seeing him even less. He would have been concerned about whether he had the capacity to meet your expectations and would have explained that to you. And your conversation would likely have ended with you two agreeing to stop dating.

I think @Gaeta is right. This guy was dating multiple women and was doing what he could to keep them all on standby, waiting for him. So all the love-bombing was deliberately done to get you hooked.

I'm going to suggest that in addition to following all the good advice you've been given, you date with the understanding that you're supposed to be trying to figure out if the guy is right for you. That means you should date a man with the understanding that he might not be a good fit. And therefore, you shouldn't be eager to progress to a full-blown relationship quickly. You should give yourself the time to assess him and see what he's really like. There should be room for you to say, "I really don't like this guy. I'm gonna stop seeing him." That's why giving in to a love-bomber has no place in healthy dating. 

Edited by Acacia98
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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

You think that it's concerning I've let this whole thing affect me so much?

Absolutley, yes. 

Two dates with a strange man should not knock you sideways this much. I don't mean that to be unkind, but it sounds like your mental health is very fragile if this turned you inside out to this extent. 

It would be worth looking into that before you start dating again. You are currently lacking fortitude and self-esteem, which is going to make dating incredibly difficult. 

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AGrPerson
10 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

"Doesn't make you a priority"?  This is a guy you went on TWO DATES with.

It doesn't make sense to be talking like this with a guy you went on TWO DATES with.  You make it sound like it was a relationship.  It wasn't.  You are making way too much out of this.

When I say he didn't make me a priority, I mean he wouldn't answer my texts in a timely manner, we would talk whenever it was convenient for him, etc. He was totally different when we started talking to each other and that's why his change in behaviour had me puzzled.

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