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After this afternoon I am walking away from any romantic idea on the advice of someone else. All I am doing here is once again aspiring to date people I really find attractive rather than people who find me attractive. I really enjoy her company but that is about all I can hope for here, wish I was someone else who is attractive but frankly I find myself wishing that most days, especially after a decade on OLD paid sites.

I'll still help her and share my network and if she makes contact and suggests a coffee I'll go and enjoy her company and the attention I'd get. I'll keep working on things that make me feel good even if they wont really pay any dividends with regard to dating.

Sorry for wasting everyone's time. Again

Edited by ZA Dater
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Weezy1973
3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

After this afternoon I am walking away from any romantic idea on the advice of someone else.

Can’t say I’m surprised. I feel sad for you as your life (at least your love life) is completely driven by fear. Your fear of rejection totally overrides everything else. To you, being rejected is worse than death itself. You likely have an anxiety disorder (social anxiety = fear of rejection) but since you reject the idea of therapy, there’s really no way for you to break free from the fear. Again, it’s sad to know someone will die with pretty much nothing but regret for all the risks in love they didn’t take. But such is your life and I’m assuming you’re pretty happy or else you’d be driven to change it.

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4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Can’t say I’m surprised. I feel sad for you as your life (at least your love life) is completely driven by fear. Your fear of rejection totally overrides everything else. To you, being rejected is worse than death itself. You likely have an anxiety disorder (social anxiety = fear of rejection) but since you reject the idea of therapy, there’s really no way for you to break free from the fear. Again, it’s sad to know someone will die with pretty much nothing but regret for all the risks in love they didn’t take. But such is your life and I’m assuming you’re pretty happy or else you’d be driven to change it.

I have been advised to not try in this instance so I am going to head that advice and to be fair it's probably good advice based on my past record of wanting to date people I find attractive versus ones who actually find me attractive. Sadly I suspect there will never be an instance where the two align. 

Believe me you cannot imagine what being lonely all the time feels like but then again I cant imagine what being homeless feels like so there are people with greater adversity.

For what its worth I have no desire for further rejection, it's all I know basically so yes if I am.told that is the likely scenario I'll walk away, in this case very reluctantly but again it you who told me aspirational dating is bad.

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On 2/10/2024 at 5:42 AM, ZA Dater said:

I have been advised to not try in this instance so I am going to head that advice

You met a woman who is what you've been looking for,  you find her attractive and you'd like to take her on a date.

But someone told you not to try so you're just going to give up.

Well that certainly says a lot about why you're still single after over a decade.

 

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This is a good idea since you feel no one is attractive enough for you and all the beautiful charming supermodels should just be throwing themselves at you with no effort whatsoever on your part.  Ordinary women just aren't good enough for you and don't need to be rejected by men with unrealistic expectations. Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love  make people with certain personalities feel special. 

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7 hours ago, semble said:

You met a woman who is what you've been looking for,  you find her attractive and you'd like to take her on a date.

But someone told you not to try so you're just going to give up.

Well that certainly says a lot about why you're still single after over a decade.

 

Point taken, at the end of the day she clearly is not interested in anything more than getting into my circle. 

People here often say I don't listen to advice but actually I do, often contemplating it for quite some time. When a guy I have been friends with for twenty odd years tells me to leave something I tend to take notice.

What I am prepared to try here is the friend zone because I think I can add some value and I am a bit more confident and know my value at that. 

Unattractive, no confidence that's why I am single!

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a good idea since you feel no one is attractive enough for you and all the beautiful charming supermodels should just be throwing themselves at you with no effort whatsoever on your part.  Ordinary women just aren't good enough for you and don't need to be rejected by men with unrealistic expectations. Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love  make people with certain personalities feel special. 

Well here I did find someone ordinary with extraordinary communication skills and intellect nevermind being in shape with no kids. 

Like everyone I am going to desire what makes me feel good. 

If she were really keen I'd get more than three word text's. Maybe one lesson I can pass on of value is do everything you can to build confidence, if I'd done things differently earlier in life I am very sure I'd not be where I am now. 

All is not lost, I'll continue seeing her around, sure she will need me for XYZ, am sure we will see each other in a sort of business setting.

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I think maybe you should forget about dating altogether for a while. Get into the gym and try some different martial arts, maybe take up music. Anything to change your focus and better you as a man.

It might make you realise romance and dating is actually just part of part of life and allow you to stop idealising women so much you get frightened and don't even try. Believe it or not even the most beautiful woman has a lot of the same fears and doubts as you, we're all just human beings.

If you can stop dehumanising women and yourself I think you might have more success, but you need to get a lot more grounded and also braver first.

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