Is he fading or just a crappy texter?

[chickendinner12]

We've been together about 6 months.

His texting habits the last couple days haven't been good. Like, taking a long time to reply and very brief texts. He did mention being way behind at work with processing paperwork and customers tying him up for hours at a time and barely having time to look at his phone. He also did say he had a hangout with a friend he hadn't seen in a couple years, all in advance of the reduced texts.

We got together again last night as planned several days before, and his behavior was really night and day compared to his texting. He was very talkative about how his day went, wanted to hold my hand a lot, cuddling, telling me how much he loved how smart and funny I am, and how he loves feeling close to me. I would see him looking at me while we were watching a movie and noticed him looking at me. "What?" I asked. "I just have a really hot partner is all." 

I was really caught off guard, I was expecting him wanting to break up when he got to my house, but he really seemed to be enjoying my company. We made plans for Saturday night. When he left my house this morning, he was wanting us to call on the phone tonight since we won't be together again until Saturday. 

What to make of this? Is it common for people to be this different in text vs in person?

[Alpacalia]

You can't always assume the worst when there is a change in texting habits. It is quite common for people to be different in text than in person because texting can be a bit more impersonal and it's a lot harder to express yourself through text than it is in person. It also sounds like your partner may have been really busy lately with work and catching up with an old friend, and that may have been why their texting habits changed. Don't jump to conclusions until you've had a chance to find out more.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

 he really seemed to be enjoying my company. We made plans for Saturday night. When he left my house this morning, he was wanting us to call on the phone tonight since we won't be together again until Saturday. 

Pay attention to how you interact in real life and that seems to be going well.

Try not to text-tether or smother anyone or use reply times as a measurement of your relationship.

Are you exclusive? Is there a reason you're worried about the relationship this much? 

[chickendinner12]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Are you exclusive? Is there a reason you're worried about the relationship this much? 

I guess I have kind of an anxious attachment style.

In the past I've been dumped with no warning and really not any sort of articulate explanation of why I was being dumped, the person's feelings just changed: "It wasn't anything you did. It's just..."

So I guess I'm really wary about that happening again. I think maybe that's at the root of my anxiety. 

Edited Saturday at 04:29 PM by chickendinner12

[basil67]

5 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

 

In the past I've been dumped with no warning and really not any sort of articulate explanation of why I was being dumped, the person's feelings just changed: "It wasn't anything you did. It's just..."

There is a reason, they just aren't telling you.  Thing is, when people give reasons, the dumpee sometimes argues why the decision to break up is wrong or want to get into long discussions about repairing the situation.  And if the dumper isn't wanting to have the argument, they give a vague reason. About the only thing you can do is be aware of how they are feeling while you're together.

Is everyone you date from the poly community?  I can imagine that someone who's new to it may be interested, but then find its not for them.  

[heavenonearth]

I am also anxious attachment style and would often project past partners' behavior onto new partners. It is not healthy and can sabotage a new relationship quickly. 

Therapy helped, but also a loving partner who is very good at responding to my love language has helped.

Do you feel like he is giving you what you need apart from the texting? 

Maybe you can call him sometimes out of the blue just to have a short chat. I do that with my partner and it is my way to get what I need whenever I need it without expecting the other person to read my anxious mind.

❤️

[d0nnivain]

Texting is no measure of a relationship.  If the dates are good & you like each other stop worrying about trivial nonsense.  You know he's busy at work plus he has old mates around.  Two people don't need to be in constant contact to be in a love & have a strong relationship.  

My husband left for work at 6 a.m. this morning.  I will be surprised if I communicate with him in any form before 7 p.m. tonight.  We rarely text or call during work hours.  That is not a problem.  Our marriage is strong.  I don't need constant reassurance.  Why do you?  Stop being clingy.    Seriously why can't you go 8-10 hours apart?  The inability to do that is problematic.  

[Gaeta]

6 months is about the time the texting slows down. Even earlier would be normal. There comes a time you know you got each other, you see each other more often, so texting goes down. It's normal, texting all the time is not viable. People have lives to live and this man has another woman to keep happy.

If you want a man full attention l suggest you try monogamy.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 

If you want a man full attention l suggest you try monogamy.

I agree.  I have no issues with polyamory as long as the people involved are all getting their needs met in that situation but you seem very insecure.  Not necessarily about other people, but about this guy not being attentive enough for you.  

If there are other relationships happening outside of yours with him, and I think there are on both sides, don't you need to be okay with lapses of communication and attention?  There is only so much time per day.

Anyway, aside from that, please try to stop using texting habits as a gauge of the strength of a relationship.  Like someone else who has posted on this thread, I am in a long term relationship that is thriving and we barely ever exchange texts anymore unless we have to check in about a plan or add something to the shopping list type of thing.  If one of us is traveling we will share some pictures and keep in touch more, but not in everyday life when we know that we will be seeing each other later that day for sure.

[Lauriebell82]

Could be that he is more of an introvert/fearful avoidant type attachment style. Those guys have a tendency to be more hot and cold in their texting habits. One day they can be texting like mad, the next they take a really long time to reply and generally have one/two word answers. But they are GREAT in person! My boyfriend of 6 years is like this and I have made the adjustment to his habits. Although in the beginning (just like you) I was perplexed because I assumed that it was a reflection of his interest in me rather then his personality. But each and every time he would follow up, be GREAT in person, and that helped to validate that it was just him rather then anything wrong. I think I may have gotten accustomed to men losing interest this way, because typically low texting/no texting is a good way to guage of loss of interest. But not when you are dealing with a VERY introverted male its not! 

[Herkamer63]

In the grand scheme of things, and despite we all have a a hard time accepting in today's world, texting is texting. It doesn't mean much for relationships (or potential relationships happening). It's convenience and we've become too comfortable with it, and relied on it too much as a form of communication. Best form of expressing yourself is face to face, been like that since the beginning of time. Second way is on the phone/live video feed. Emails and texts are only there in case if you can't hear/see each other but need something important that can be done quickly. Other than that, you want a real loving relationship with someone, you have to do some heavy lifting and go meet with him face to face more.

Besides, just because a guy doesn't text you for a few days, doesn't mean they're losing interest. They're probably busy and/or they don't want to come off as needy nor clingy. And vice versa with women with guys. The woman I like told me she isn't much of a texter, but yet, whenever we made plans, she's kept her word and shown up. Only rare times she hasn't, and it was always family related, but other than that, she's made it. And it takes her awhile to respond if I text her. I found out this past weekend how much she leaves her phone down somewhere and for long (and I mean VERY LONG) periods of time, she doesn't physically pick it up. So she's left with a whole bunch of messages and there's times where she'd check them but doesn't respond right away or mark them as read. She is constantly doing stuff and isn't very phone savvy. Now, she'll check emails more because of work, but texting, not her forte. Face to face meeting, though, we're getting to know each other better. I saw her this past weekend for an event for her sister, and after we were about to leave for the day, she invited me over to her parents place where everyone was going to go after the gig we were at. Shared stories, videos, memes,  personal stuff, you name it. We had fun, and we're going to get together next time for a haunted attraction which involves shooting zombies with paintball guns, while on foot, in a cornfield, Call of Duty style. I even went as far as telling her that if she wanted to bring her kid along he's more than welcome to come because we had a good talk about a subject we both liked. So things are happening, but it takes awhile for her to respond, and there's times where I give it a couple of days before texting her again then she'll respond, and often times with a reply to the last text as well as the current one. Other than that, things seem like they're going well. Otherwise, she wouldn't want anything to do with me at this point.

And this doesn't include friends I have that don't respond. Some people are just not very good with texting back. Doesn't mean they don't like you, but rather they're busy or they forgot. If they're doing things with you and they make the effort to make it, and invite you to do things with them, you're good. I understand where you may get thoughts of "did I make the text too long, did I send too many, did say something wrong" because I get those. Everyone does (and if they say they don't, they're not being very truthful). However, something that people tend to forget from time to time, the ones you like have friends and family in their lives too, and if you guys are only dating or simply talking and getting to know each other, they may want to see where it goes and not rush anything. Truthfully, this guy you mentioned might be pacing himself and not get too far ahead. Which I say good on him because many other guys would have rushed into a relationship head first without really getting to know the woman on day 1 (like at that very minute they lay eyes on that woman). He's taking his time getting know you in person, and, sure, it's making you ask questions but I'm wondering if this is something you never encountered before. I think you got a good guy on your hands. He's trying to respect your time and space by trying not to smother you with love notes over text. And he isn't trying to bombard you with unnecessary messages like "what ya doing" or "what's your birth stone" or something dumb like that. He also sounds like he's being real but also with some humor attached to it. Just to flat out say you're hot, because it's normally the opposite of what the status quo would say, tells you he's being funny while at the same time being truthful, in which he does think you're pretty to him. Truth be told, any guy that tries to sweet talk you by throwing out random analogies of saying how beautiful you are out of the gate of meeting him are, typically, full of bs. Since this guy isn't doing that, it tells me he sees you as a human being, and that says he's a genuine person.

Look, I know it's frustrating when you don't hear back from the person you genuinely care about over text. Believe me, this woman I'm interested in and care about, it stinks not hearing from her over text at times. You want that assurance they're thinking about you and still engaged. Over this weekend, though, with this woman, not only she invited me to this event a month before, but also was about to pay for my dinner (which I made sure to pay her for my portion despite her offering), walked through a park together, invited me to her parents house for a get together, and introduced me to more of her family (cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws). Right now, I'm on good terms with not only the extended family, but also, and more so, her sister, sister's husband and their kids, the woman's kid, and her parents (especially her dad, which is very important). You put it best, it's pretty night and day, when someone texts you oppose to how they treat you in person. This past weekend was a good example of that. So far, things are good, although it wouldn't hurt to hear from her more often, but the fact we're getting together and doing stuff and talking a lot paints a different picture. So keep your chin up. This guy sounds like he wants something real, and the best relationships happen when it's one on one, the people being themselves, and taking their time with out going too fast or slow (and it sound like this is going at a good pace). When he's ready to talk, he'll reach out, but every once in awhile, maybe shoot him a message. He could have forgot. A busy schedule can do that. Good luck!

[smackie9]

No one is a bad texter unless that is how they are right at the beginning. 6 months later you see a change? Ya he's being spread thin...whether it work or dating others. It is what it is. 

[basil67]

I'm the kind of person who can lose their phone for half a day and not realise.   And for me, texting is only ever for practical uses.  "Can you grab some milk?"  "Hey, do you want to catch up on the weekend?"  

That said, if I'd met someone new and was super excited in the beginning, I'd probably be OK at texting for a bit.  Then I'd slowly go back to being my normal self, losing my phone all the time.   My point is, is he always joined to his phone?  Or is he the kind who doesn't check it so often?   You will find your answer here.

[Alpacalia]

Dial it down. It's normal for someone to have less time available and show less interest in texting if they're actually present. Things are already moving too fast. You come off a little clingy and enamored. Dial it down a few notches. Try to make a concerted effort to be present. Take a breath. Smile and notice the beauty around you, the feel of the sun on your skin, etc. Leave your phone at home or in the car when you're out with your guy. Texting cannot replace this quality time together. You'll be ok.

You do not need to be continually reassured. You must trust his behavior not his words. Now, unless there's something that you're not sharing with us he hasn't indicated anything that would have you believe he is not happy or interested in you. What’s the full story at this point and time?

[glows]

Same problem as the early August thread? I get the sense you want more out of this but it’s not doing it for you. 

Is this a poly relationship? You’re both seeing other people? 

If I’d read this thread as a stand-alone I’d tell you not to place much emphasis on texting but this guy has been flat out ignoring your texts like “how are you feeling” and doing drive bys. I said he may be lazy in your Aug thread and by the looks of it I think it’s lazy and complacent. It takes a few seconds to reply when your partner asks you a point blank q how are you feeling.