Girl (f27) who seemed really into me (m31) has been hit by everything all at once and has questioned us these last couple of days, I've yet to reply

[ramboparrot]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You might not be getting the whole story, bear in mind. 

Maybe an ex came back or another guy has been on her radar. 

It’s been a consideration.

I’ve seen nothing but eagerness from her up until our date on Tuesday and usually if things are going well, then it completely flips it’s usually because there’s someone else. Over a week ago at hers we had sex 3 times in the space of evening/morning and when she couldn’t come over last week being ill she was quick to tell me she’s free either Tuesday or the weekend after (sign of interest).

My only concern of hers was sometimes she’d read my message on whatsapp and reply later although she was at work. Sometimes i’d see her “last seen” status and it was after I sent a message but she hadn’t seen mine, so always made me wonder if she prioritised contact with someone else

We did talk about past relationships a couple of weeks ago. Her ex from 2017 she was with for 2 years had originally come back to her and they started speaking again in 2019 as he wasn’t happy with his new person, but she said no and put a stop to it. He was part of the army and they had different views of home life, he saw it as a holiday where she saw it as work, having to improve house, etc. I can see he’s been with someone for the past year going off Facebook. My only issue was she still had this photo of them together from 2017 on Facebook.

She has also asked me if I’ve dated more than one at a time and told me she can just date one person, so maybe someone else was on her radar that she preferred and meant she had to drop out of ours.

Again all overthinking but it’s a possibility. End result is the same that she didn’t value me enough to stay in her life and I’m glad because I don’t have to spend money on time on someone who doesn’t want to be there. It’s sad because we genuinely clicked but is what it is

Edited September 9 by ramboparrot

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, ramboparrot said:

It’s been a consideration.

Didn't she explain her father was assaulted and she's going through a lot?  You only dated briefly so unfortunately when a lot is going on for someone, they may have to let go of nonessential stress, like a new or demanding relationship.

It seems your relationship with her was ok but perhaps this family incident  made her more aware of general issues. Reply briefly without trying to have a postmortem relationship discussion or trying to rebuild anything.  Just something like "sorry to hear this, take care".  If you don't block her she can reach out so there's no need to add that in either.

[ChatroomHero]

Hand to God, this is identical to something I am going through, up to the fact the last night together we played darts and had sex and she left oddly abruptly. Never argued or fought, always had fun. She also had an ex in the picture and attributed everything to stress. We had planned future trips, once seriously talked about moving with each other to another state. I mean the story is basically identical. Monday night, everything was perfect. By Tuesday, I could hardly get a response. The weird thing I noticed too was she all the sudden started using my first name in texts, on a 6 month text chain, which seemed oddly formal and just off. It seemed like a distancing measure to me and I picked it up immediately.

I tried to delete and block her, but the hard part is, from everything you and I know, there was nothing wrong. We texted pleasantries recently for a bit and the final message was she was overwhelmed and hoped it would slow down in the future and we could see each other. I started thinking, she is so stressed that the only thing she cut out was me...and I was, or at least it looked like, a stress release for her when we had fun.

We agreed to be exclusive, said I love you's, she was eager to see me and invite me to family events for months, then literally overnight didn't want to see or even talk to me. There is no way to rationalize it. Through a few text responses my feeling is that we were serious and the implications for her to continue meant she had to adjust her life and was scared and there was some evidence to support that. But the reason doesn't matter, the fact she so easily threw you away is what does and that's how I feel in my situation so i am just leaving it alone.

I am curious though...I was having a discussion with someone and mentioned what she did to me was basically what her ex did to her, ended everything abruptly and unexpectedly and she was stunned. I told him it "felt like" she was trying to punish "men" with payback for what her ex did. He said he had read something about things like that being cyclic or history repeating itself when it comes to breakups. It happened to her, she does it to someone else... A female friend suggested it's maybe a defense mechanism. She got to the point she was in a serious relationship and what she knows based on her recent experience is that serious relationships end with her being shocked and hurt so she left before you could. 

In your case, did her ex unexpectedly dump her?

I understand what you are going through and it is hard to relay that there were no red flags, little signs, there wasn't a couple of weeks of strained communication or behavior changes...0 warning even when you look back and deeply analyze. It's like if you had a childhood best friend that you see all the time, had lunch with them on Monday, discussed a golf outing you two were going two in a couple of weeks and made driving plans, etc, then on Tuesday they sent a text that said, "Have a nice life" with no further explanation. 3 weeks later with 0 communication or reason, it would destroy you to lose someone like that. It almost feels like mourning a death.

You know there is something deeper going on, you just don't know if it's a fear of something serious or disinterest or whatever. I have been through breakups and every time I could look back and see indicators in hindsight but when you meet someone that agrees you are perfectly matched and click on everything and everything is going perfectly, everything is easy and fun and then one day you wake up and she's just gone without any justifiable reason, it's hard to describe the gut punch and inability to process. For me, I found the more space I give, the quicker she will respond if I do reach out. I am left in total limbo so all I can do is try to pretend it never happened and I never met her, which obviously sucks.

[ramboparrot]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Didn't she explain her father was assaulted and she's going through a lot?  You only dated briefly so unfortunately when a lot is going on for someone, they may have to let go of nonessential stress, like a new or demanding relationship.

It seems your relationship with her was ok but perhaps this family incident  made her more aware of general issues. Reply briefly without trying to have a postmortem relationship discussion or trying to rebuild anything.  Just something like "sorry to hear this, take care".  If you don't block her she can reach out so there's no need to add that in either.

Yeah, was mugged in Rome. They got his phone back with some other things but of course the money was gone. It was her idea to tel her mum about the “find my iphone” thing which helped. She seemed in a sorry and stressful state though… she was saying things like “who would even attempt to rob an old man 😞 it’s really knocked his confidence ☹️” , etc, but she was really frustrated with her mum not responding as she wasn’t getting updates of the situation which worried her more.

Makes sense, I’m a new addition in her life and whilst most will say “well i’ve dealt with grief and still kept interest in a man”, everyone deals with stress differently.

Yeah I’m really happy with my response. Keeps door open if all these things happening genuinely was stressing her out. She always seemed smitten with me but said all this could be to do with her low mood with what’s happening.

Feel like I’ve dealt with it the best way possible and only time will tell if she decides to come back. I’ll still post stories, enjoy life etc. Don’t know if I want to jump back into world of dating again for a bit. Not that I’m waiting on her, but I do need some self focusing time for now.

Edited September 9 by ramboparrot

[ramboparrot]

2 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

Hand to God, this is identical to something I am going through, up to the fact the last night together we played darts and had sex and she left oddly abruptly. Never argued or fought, always had fun. She also had an ex in the picture and attributed everything to stress. We had planned future trips, once seriously talked about moving with each other to another state. I mean the story is basically identical. Monday night, everything was perfect. By Tuesday, I could hardly get a response. The weird thing I noticed too was she all the sudden started using my first name in texts, on a 6 month text chain, which seemed oddly formal and just off. It seemed like a distancing measure to me and I picked it up immediately.

I tried to delete and block her, but the hard part is, from everything you and I know, there was nothing wrong. We texted pleasantries recently for a bit and the final message was she was overwhelmed and hoped it would slow down in the future and we could see each other. I started thinking, she is so stressed that the only thing she cut out was me...and I was, or at least it looked like, a stress release for her when we had fun.

We agreed to be exclusive, said I love you's, she was eager to see me and invite me to family events for months, then literally overnight didn't want to see or even talk to me. There is no way to rationalize it. Through a few text responses my feeling is that we were serious and the implications for her to continue meant she had to adjust her life and was scared and there was some evidence to support that. But the reason doesn't matter, the fact she so easily threw you away is what does and that's how I feel in my situation so i am just leaving it alone.

I am curious though...I was having a discussion with someone and mentioned what she did to me was basically what her ex did to her, ended everything abruptly and unexpectedly and she was stunned. I told him it "felt like" she was trying to punish "men" with payback for what her ex did. He said he had read something about things like that being cyclic or history repeating itself when it comes to breakups. It happened to her, she does it to someone else... A female friend suggested it's maybe a defense mechanism. She got to the point she was in a serious relationship and what she knows based on her recent experience is that serious relationships end with her being shocked and hurt so she left before you could. 

In your case, did her ex unexpectedly dump her?

I understand what you are going through and it is hard to relay that there were no red flags, little signs, there wasn't a couple of weeks of strained communication or behavior changes...0 warning even when you look back and deeply analyze. It's like if you had a childhood best friend that you see all the time, had lunch with them on Monday, discussed a golf outing you two were going two in a couple of weeks and made driving plans, etc, then on Tuesday they sent a text that said, "Have a nice life" with no further explanation. 3 weeks later with 0 communication or reason, it would destroy you to lose someone like that. It almost feels like mourning a death.

You know there is something deeper going on, you just don't know if it's a fear of something serious or disinterest or whatever. I have been through breakups and every time I could look back and see indicators in hindsight but when you meet someone that agrees you are perfectly matched and click on everything and everything is going perfectly, everything is easy and fun and then one day you wake up and she's just gone without any justifiable reason, it's hard to describe the gut punch and inability to process. For me, I found the more space I give, the quicker she will respond if I do reach out. I am left in total limbo so all I can do is try to pretend it never happened and I never met her, which obviously sucks.

Thank you for sharing your story!

Must be something on the darts that’s causing it 🤣

We have spoken about previous relationships. Her and her ex got together in 2017 and broke up around 2019/2020. She still has an older profile picture of them together on Facebook, but I searched him and he’s happy with someone else this past year.

She told me they moved in together but he worked in the army. They had a difference of opinion of what they called home. She saw it as something to work on and improve, whereas he saw it as a holiday when coming back from the army. She felt like it was always her responsibility to get stuff done.

He ended up leaving her for someone else then got back in touch with her saying he wasn’t happy. They spoke for a bit but this girl (one I’d been seeing) reached out to this other girl and set up her ex to kind of embarrass him. She told me he was a bit manipulative as well.

For me, I don’t think her ex is back in the picture but then it’s odd she still has his picture on Facebook.

What you describe is exactly how I feel. It’s confusing because I couldn’t see any signs. Even from Tuesday night, I have videos of her laughing and smiling when she wasn’t expecting me to film it. When we got back to mine she was happy staying up until 2am watching movies then having sex. She could’ve so easily made an excuse to get back in her car and drive home.

With my ex, it felt blindsided but if I compare my ex with this girl, there were arguments/disagreements and differences in future goals which led to the breakup. None of that with this current girl.

I know she’s told me she overthinks a lot and gets migraines a lot too. She’s had that, her dad’s situation and of course being overworked at work (past month she’s had that) covering people’s shifts and fear of redundancy, maybe she felt like she couldn’t give what I was wanting from her. She doubts herself a lot too, as the pics we took she liked none of them even though I thought she looked stunning. Might explain why she said she had nothing more to give, that she felt like a burden to me possibly.

I’ve also had times where I’ve been with girls and low moods or periods, etc has made them think their feelings changed but few days later they’re back.

Obviously living off hope here, could genuinely just be she wasn’t feeling it enough for it to be worth the 30-45 min drive or she doesn’t miss me enough.

Yeah I’ve said my peace with her and responded in the best way I could. I’ll enjoy my life and let her get on with hers. If she misses me then great, door is open. If not, then I’m thankful I can now find someone who will want me to be part of their life.