32F and 34M in a Relationship for 14 Yrs w/ No Engagement

[BrinnM]

I feel the same way as your partner, generally speaking. Marriage is overrated.
But if you have a long-term partner, and shared property and all that jazz, and that partner wants to get married, why say no?

If it makes them happy, if that is what they want, and if I think we’re probably going to last forever, why deny them that wish? Makes no sense. I don’t understand your boyfriend’s stubbornness here.
Same with the life-insurance issue: It should definitely be in your name. You’re his life partner, his parents are not; and they’re probably not going to outlive him anyways. If he wants them to have something in case of his early death, he can take out an additional policy where they’re the beneficiaries, but it shouldn’t affect your benefits. (Out of curiosity: Do you have life insurance with him as the beneficiary? If so, I would change the beneficiary.) 

Generally speaking, I don’t think starting over in your 30s is late. You’re very young. However, you say that you still love him, whatever that entails. All the things you are listing that bother you are completely valid though:

1) You want marriage, it’s important to you, and he simply refuses. To me that means that he doesn’t consider your feelings. He just continues on as if nothing is wrong. That’s callous, IMO.

2) The life-insurance. Totally unacceptable. Your safety and stability need to be his priority. It’s already bad enough that he doesn’t feel that his life-partner, the one he shares property with, the one he loves, deserves this kind of security, but even worse, if he’s prompted/asked to change the beneficiary, he fights it. Again: unacceptable. 
 

3) He has no friends? Why? For me personally, people with no friends are a red flag. How do you guys socialize? Is it only with your friend group, OP? Or is the family really tight-knit? Families can sometimes be a substitute for a lack friends, but it’s still weird if you have zero friends. 

I really think there’s some degree of disregard here for your needs, your feelings, and for who you are as a person. I wouldn’t take this lightly. If I put myself in your shoes, I’d certainly take some time to thoroughly think about my future with this partner, his potential, my options, and about what I get out of this relationship in general.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think  you proposing to him is going to make any difference, OP. 

Someone who has been balking at the idea of a wedding and marrige is just going to say no to a proposal. I wouldn't bother going this route. He doesn't seem to want marriage, and that he is with you for the same reasons you're still with him: it's comfortable and you're afraid of the unknown, but neither of you sound very happy on a deeper level. 

After 14 years, he'd have married you by now if he wanted to. If you see marriage as important life goal, then you need to concede that this is not your man. And I don't know where you got the idea that "most men are awful" - what's up with that? Plenty of men are perfectly wonderful people who cherish their partners and are open about. 

 

[Alpacalia]

I have not but it sounds like you are in an incredibly tough spot.

He has been quite clear that he is not ready yet and is not willing to commit to a traditional wedding. This may be a sign that he is not the right person for you, but I understand how difficult and confusing it can be to make such a decision. The best advice I would give is to really listen to what your partner has been saying. He is not ready for a traditional wedding or for marriage at all.

You also mention that he has no friends. Isn't that valuable information and something to consider when making your decision? Imagine if you were married, he has no friends, that means no support system should anything else happen in your relationship, and he would be relying solely on you.

If marriage is something that is really important to you this guy isn't going to be the one. He has been quite clear that he is not willing to commit in the traditional way. If you want to keep the relationship alive then you need to evaluate whether or not it's really worth it in the long run. It sounds like it's been quite a roller coaster ride already, so it would not be surprising if it doesn't get easier.

[stillafool]

OP, I don't understand you.  If he has told you the reason he doesn't want to get married is because weddings are too expensive, why do you have to have a wedding?  A lot of men feel women are more into the wedding than the marriage itself.

Edited September 7 by stillafool

[basil67]

9 hours ago, yimby63 said:

in your situation, did you both agree to not get married, or is one person (like in my situation) more open to the possibility? how did you agree to not get married? 

We basically covered the topic over a weekend.  It started when we were laying in bed one Saturday morning and I said "hey, do you reckon we should get married?"  And he said "yeah, OK".  And then we spend the rest of the weekend discovering that we couldn't agree on a wedding, so we happily let the topic drop and spent the money on a new bathroom instead. 

I did have a slight niggle over it for a while, but I realised it was mostly discomfort about still having the name of my ex-h, so I legally changed my name to that of my partner.  Have been perfectly content since.

9 hours ago, yimby63 said:

thanks for your insight, you're definitely right about him moving the goal posts to just not talk about it. the life insurance thing seems rational and logical, so not agreeing to do that bugged me. i think there's an assumption my family would take care of me in the event something happened, while maybe true, we've worked very hard to build our lives independent of my family's wealth, and he knows how toxic they can be. he's not very good with doing paperwork - i found out even our health benefits were supposed to be added more coverage but he never actually did it (we have universal healthcare this is just for dental/eye care stuff). i am often the one planning and organizing things.

To be fair we didn't actually take out life insurance until we had children because I was working.   With the kids, one is disabled and I'm carer, so the life insurance acknowledges that I can't earn any significant income if he died.   I really can't see the point of having life insurance going to his parents unless he's already supporting them.   I guess a bigger question is whether you are the beneficiary of his will.  Will you get his share of the house if he died?

Given the lack of paperwork on his side, does he even have a will?

[d0nnivain]

I can only share my story.  I lived with a man for almost 10 years from 24 to 33.  I wanted to get married.  He didn't "believe" in marriage.   I should have left years earlier than I did.  Staying too long is one of the reasons I don't have kids.  By the time I met & married my husband it was too late. 

Don't be me.  

Do talk to your guy about getting serious.  Lay it out that you need to know where his head & heart are.  If he gives you BS about not being ready, wanting to save more money etc you will have accept that it will never happen.  So if you are OK with just living together without marriage for the rest of your life, carry on.  If marriage means something to you, then you have deal with the fact that he's not your guy.  

Yes, it's scary & change can be upsetting.  I cried every day for almost 2 years even after I got a new rebound BF when I broke up with the guy I lived with.  Still it was for the best.  My only regret is not doing it sooner but then maybe I would not have met my husband.  

[S2B]

If you two don’t have the common goal of marriage and you prioritize it - then it may be best to end it knowing you should never need to force anyone to marry you.

Then also suggest selling the house so you can move forward with a clean break.

[Els]

OP, the crux of it is that no matter what anyone tells you about their own personal beliefs re: marriage (or not marrying), at the end of the day you are entitled to choose whether or not you want it for yourself. If you decide that you do want it, it's a completely valid decision, and you shouldn't let people talk you out of it. It's also valid for him to not want it for himself, but he shouldn't string you along - he needs to be honest with you about this.

There are plenty of men your age out there who DO want marriage - the 30+ age range is the most common age of marriage in today's world. You'll almost certainly find someone who wants the same things as you do, but that would involve leaving this person first.

Edited September 12 by Els

[Acacia98]

On 9/7/2023 at 12:08 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

This guy took two years to say "I love you." Why do I know that he is emotionally not the most nurturing and affirming partner on the planet?

OP, getting married doesn't solve anything--he's still going to be distant. 

I agree.

[Whodatdog]

You're feelings on wanting to get married are no less important than his not wanting to get married. At this point its simply a matter of incompatibility, and on this issue its difficult to compromise. If he saw marriage in his future, he would have done it long ago. Theres just simply people who dont want to get married. And there are people that do. You just need to decide whats more important to you at this point in your life. Id decide rather quickly, as the clock is ticking.

[heavenonearth]

Some people don't want to get married. I don't want to get married either.

It does not mean I have no commitment to my partner. You guys own a house together, that is a much bigger deal, in my opinion, than a piece of paper.

Sometimes, people who really love their freedom or who have some commitment issues from their past really do not like the idea of marriage. As I said, I am one of them.

Being someone's wife terrifies me. I do not find the idea romantic at all, I find it entirely suffocating. And that does not mean I do not love my boyfriend or am not committed to him in other ways. I do not want to be alone nor do I want to be with anyone else. But getting married to him? No, thanks.

So I think maybe your partner really just has problems with showing his emotions, is more avoidant and a bit more reserved, but that does not mean he is not entirely committed to being with you. The problem I see is more that he seems to be incapable of implementing some changes. People should not stop growing when in a relationship, you gotta always try to become a better version of yourself, a better partner. He seems to not be doing that.

We hear your side of the story. Is he content? Happy in the relationship? How does he feel about everything? Does he think there could be improvements in the relationship or is he just content with how things are? I feel you could either benefit from some mediation, so your needs will be met long-term, or this relationship just has run its course.

Sometimes people just become used to one another but stop growing together.

 

[Weezy1973]

You essentially are married. Common-law is in every way legally the same as being married in Canada. 
 

The big issue in your relationship however is the lack of communication on these difficult topics. Likely some conflict avoidance on both sides. Trust me, the much bigger issue should be kids. Have you discussed having children? When you lull start your family etc.? It’s hard to think about, but if you want kids, your clock is ticking. If he’s indecisive, you might want to think about freezing your eggs.

[Lauriebell82]

Seems like he is ambivalent about marriage but likes the relationship and is comfortable with where things are right now. Not everyone feels a strong need to make things official. I think at this point you may have to make a decision as to which is more important...continuing a relationship with your boyfriend or pursuing marriage. You just (unfortunately) may not be able to have both within the context of THIS relationship. Sad after 14 years, but there is really no right or wrong answer here. If he was the only one for you then marriage or not, you'd be staying. If you don't feel that way then there isn't anything wrong with that either! Not everyone can stay with someone who does't want the same thing they do (and be okay with that). You almost just have to look at it like are you still getting all your RELATIONSHIP needs met in general? And take the marriage part out of it. Because in reality, marriage is just a title that you are putting on your already existing relationship of 14 years. Hell, most marriages don't last 14 years. So that's something to look at for sure! 

If you decide that marriage is a higher priority for you however, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. You entitled to be in a relationship that works for you! 

Edited Monday at 08:26 PM by Lauriebell82