I'm so uncomfortable about his ex-gf

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, MicheleT said:

I take it to mean that he stayed with the ex because he wanted to save money, not because he couldn’t afford to move out.

Well if he's got the money to put a down payment on a house, he certainly has money to move out.  So therefore, he's there because he wants to be.

[basil67]

20 hours ago, ExpandPalace said:

This is where I start acknowledging my own baggage. It's extra challenging for me to be in a position where I feel like the demanding or controlling bully and that's how I would feel setting a term or boundary that they disconnect on social media. It's just not something I'll ever feel comfortable doing. If they want to be friends, be friends. But it seems they still have resentments with each other without having closure. I'm not sure social media is going to make or break that. It's just highlighting it.

You're absolutely right to not demand, but you can express discomfort.  Say how you feel and sit back and observe what happens.  If nothing changes and you're still uncomfortable, then you need to start considering if it's a dealbreaker.  

With regards to staying with his family when she's overseas for work, it sounds like this is an arrangement between her and his parents.  If they are happy to have her visit, this is really between them and not something which your boyfriend has control over.  While there are a lot of red flags, would say that this isn't one of them. 

[smackie9]

On 8/9/2023 at 1:21 PM, ExpandPalace said:

It's my place to say something if I'm dating him and he talks about his ex on our dates. You've misread my post if you think I "put in my opinion". I stated in my post that I feel uncomfortable and that's absolutely my prerogative to feel. They brought me into their dynamic. Him by talking about her, her by making comments about him to me and by posting stuff publicly on social media. And if they bring me into their situation, I become one part of it and, therefore have feelings about it.

Wouldn't this behavior from the both of them just be a deal breaker?? 3 is a crowd. it's pretty obvious they have unfinished business. 

[Alpacalia]

With his ex, her behaviour is a result of their past dynamics and their relationship may take time to transition to a new dynamic — one that includes you.

His ex has a right to her feelings, and her own opinion of the situation. You do not need to force yourself to accept her, or even make space for her. This is a hard situation for you because ultimately, the relationship between your partner and his ex is not under your control. You cannot control their past or how they choose to interact with each other.

Tough spot to be in, it's like he comes with an ex wife that will always be a part of his life. What you can control is how you choose to respond to her behaviour. Is it uncomfortable for you to hear his interactions with her? That is totally valid — your feelings are valid. Of course, his ex has no right to make denigrating comments about him to YOU, regardless of how long they have been broken up for.

If this is what you want for a relationship, so be it. But I would be questioning if it's really worth it.

Edited August 11 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

Well you have a couple of months, then she's moved out. That should be the end of it. A sigh of relief. If the bs continues afterwards then you have to address it firmly with him. 

[justwhoiam]

Hi ExpandPalace,

I'd love to bring up some points, especially because you're still considering a relationship with this man.

First of all, if he's so amazing, why didn't you offer him to stay with you at your place? You would have removed him from the dysfunctional context he's living in, he would have continued to save money, while making more memories with you, with the pro of also testing out cohabitation with him, to really get a better idea of what being with him day to day is like. On top of that, also conversations would have improved (more you, less her). A win win situation.

Secondly, you said you're not jealous, but then think that him talking about his ex all the time is disrespectful to you (especially on a date where it should be just about the two of you). That sounds like an oxymoron to me. I don't mean that as sterile criticism, rather just to point out that most people these days are prone to say they are not jealous, but then their feelings mean otherwise. There are different forms of jealousy as you might know. Not just the one that is negatively viewed by most people and linked to possessiveness or envy.

Then you wrote about rules you don't follow or don't believe in: "a normative standard" (disconnect from an ex on social media aka cut ties with an ex online), "a very mono-normative opinion" (don't get involved with someone living with a partner they are or were attracted to/possible low self-worth). You mentioned polyamorous relationships that work in your circle of friends. There'd be a lot to say here, including that most spouses don't know about their partner's lover. General wisdom exists for a reason and is based on the largest database we can have: history. Patterns repeat themselves. And maybe you don't know that poly relationships have a 92% fail rate. In a half-full glass perspective, 8% of them work. Which means 1 out of 250 relationships. So it's not something anyone would support per se. If you were offered to engage in an activity that has 0.4% survival rate, would you take the risk? I guess you wouldn't play Russian roulette, and that has an 83.3% survival rate! Just to put things in the right perspective.

Now about him being neurodivergent. You showed understanding about that trait, but it might end up as a love and hate thing. The respect you claim as your right might not be a priority in the long-run, because cluelessness might always be there permanently. And at times, even pointing something out might not get you the expected results. My man's been having like 15 years of that from a family member, and it's exhausting. That also impacts daily decisions and important decisions, and it's a nightmare. It might not be your case, but it might well be.

[semble]

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for his behavior.

He spoke about her as though she is a "fixture in his life". It was so bad you broke up with him! Then he changed his (apparent) behavior in an effort to win you back. When he says something about the ex that upsets you, you give him the oppertunity to "reframe" the context so it's more appealing to you. In both of these case he acted and spoke the way he REALLY feels about her, the rest was just an "after the fact" attempt to minimize and cover it up. Then you go on about all your poly friends and state it's a "cultural" thing, thus dismissing it as being perfectly valid, and accepting any of his behaviors that are similar in nature.

I dated a woman once, on our first date we covered a lot of ground. She was smart, sexy, we had similar perspectives on life, I was getting all sorts of good vibes that this could really go somewhere.. until she casually mentioned that she still lived with her ex for "convenience and financial reasons". It was at this moment that the illusion was shattered and I knew I'd never see her again. She was really into me and was actually shocked when we spoke a day or two after our first date and I wasn't interested in a second. She tried to validate, justify, excuse, etc... but I wasn't having any of it.

You have made a huge mistake, and you know this. The sooner you bail out, the better. And if you don't, well don't be surprised when she doesn't move out in 2 months, and when and if she eventually does, the two will remain close and it will be an ongoing issue as long as you are with him.