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Friend of 15 years and c-PTSD

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A bit long, but if anyone could help me process this situation and have an idea as to what it is I'm feeling, it would be so much appreciated. I typically take a couple of days to process things, but I've been having some difficulties with this in particular. Just a heads up, I have c-PTSD and have been in therapy. Although it is not curable, I have been doing better at de-escalating my triggers and have learned a lot about myself and how to communicate my needs to friends and when I need space.

I have been through a lot the last two years, including the passing of my mom, cutting off all my family members, facing some medical issues and crazy med debt, doing everything lone wolf (I am 31, female with not a big support system and no family I keep in contact with).

I have always lived alone and need a lot of alone time. Unfortunately, the medical issues/debt and cutting off my family left me with not a lot of options but to do a month to month option with a roommate I met online.

Long story short, I was renting somewhere for about a year, left earlier than expected, and have now been at 6 places in the last 6-7 weeks. Some of the situations have been reality show level trauma in itself, including a living situation with a father and son who each developed crushes on me and began fighting where I just had to leave abruptly to avoid the headache 😳.

Now here's where I'm at. I am staying with a good friend (has always been platonic) of mine I've known for 15 years. His roommate, and best friend, is someone I've also known for the same amount of time. We have history together from when we were younger. At the expense of me sounding dumb , I want to explain what I'm feeling so that maybe I can process and understand it more quickly.

I had a huge crush on this guy for about 6 years. There was an incident at his bday in our early 20s that I briefly recall where we ended up alone talking, I was upset and was trying to leave to avoid talking. I remember him holding me/comforting me and saying he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and that he was attracted to me and whatever. And I do remember us briefly sharing a passionate kiss and then we never talked to one another for about a year or two. Until we eventually ended up hanging out at some point , and were alone. I don't remember the whole conversation but I remember him saying pretty much everything I dreamt of him saying for years about him being ready for a relationship, etc. We got together a few times and I remember the last time, I had a flashback and withdrew. He had texted me a couple of times in attempts to invite me out with him and his friends and I didn't respond. Those are the big points that I recall.

I have always stayed friends with our mutual friend, but I always avoided meeting up if i know he's there. If he was dating someone, I would avoid visiting at their place or take off before or after he was going to be home.

Now I am in a situation where I'm still waiting to get my keys to my own place on the first. I was in a bit of a bind and mutual friend offered his sofa, he jokingly (knowing how I am about my alone time) and I told him that if I need to leave after a week or so, I have other options and am prepared to do so. At first the other guy was out of town so I stayed in his room and talk about a mind scramble.. he got back Sunday night.

I've been here for not even a week, since Friday actually, but I have been in such strong emotional pain the last couple of days. Mutual Friend was at work all day while him and I were home alone. It was the most we had talked in years. He tries to make conversation with me and I try to make an effort but I can't look at him in the face without feeling something. I have never always been able to. Over the years, if his name gets brought up by Mutual Friend, it's like my heart stops or something. If I hear he's dating someone , it's the same thing.

I was a mess when I was younger due to being untreated with my mental health stuff, so I am no saint in the story , as is clear by my fearful avoidant attachment style.

My plan is to leave tomorrow. I slept 1.5 hour last night and about 3 hours the night before. I am going to leave for a friend's house who I had stayed at briefly last month who I trust. My MO in pretty much every living situation has been flight. I leave in the middle of the night to avoid the conversation because I emotionally just can't. I'm dragging my feet to the first because my brain hasn't told me that I'm safe until I live by myself again. I've been able to squash whatever feeling comes up or "mask the stings" well when hanging with our Mutual Friend and this guy comes out with us or his name gets brought up in the past. But I think I'm burnt out from a lot of stress and it's all triggering and affecting me. But I don't know if it's a trigger or, like my friend I'm leaving to stay with tomorrow asked, if I was ever in love with him. I can say in between the pain I feel as I'm avoiding him around the house for the rest of today, there's been intense moments where I just want to kiss him. He was nerding out about his Internet set up and looked up and gave me some recommendations for my new place, and I couldn't help but smile, just a little bit, inside for whatever reason or about what idk. Or like before I had an episode last night and had to step outside to get air and breathe and calm my anxiety, we were sitting on the sofa watching a show he told me about, which I ended up liking. I was lying sideways and he was working on the laptop. I had some stupid thoughts of us sitting closer.

I feel like after I leave.tomorrow, perhaps I need to cut contact with Mutual Friend for awhile until I can mask whatever it is again and I'm not as stressed. 

Anyway, I appreciate anyone who took the time to read and any advice would be so appreciated. 

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Yes it sounds like your crush on this guy never went away or subsided.  I think the sadness and emptiness you feel is from being around him knowing he doesn't feel the same.  You are craving romantic affection from him and that is why you're sad.  I think you made the right choice to go stay with your other friend because I can only imagine how frustrated you must be.

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