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Being hurt emotionally by bf, and cant get over it

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Hi everyone.

My bf and I have been dating for the past two years now, a few things has happened during the relationship that hurt me quite a lot, and unfortunately I don’t know what to do and how to get over it. Am I overthinking and am I the problem?

Me and my bf were invited to a birthday party about 3 months into our relationship, he had told me about how a really close friends cousin will be at the party, how much he used to like her, and how much he really dislikes her now because she got a bf while leading him on, and how he wanted to kiss me at this party to make her jealous. This hurt me because to me it felt like he was still hung up on her, I told him how i did not want to do that. We got to the party and he left me alone basically all night (it was mostly friends of his). Therefore i felt like i didn’t really belong there, at the end he came crying to me because he felt bad for leaving me all alone, I consoled him without even telling him how he hurt me. A few months later i found out that he talked to the cousin for a while that night, and i felt betrayed. A few days after the party, i was on a discord chat, with all of my bfs friends, never saying anything on it and just reading the funny comments, when one of his close friends posts a photo of my bf and the friends cousin he liked with the caption couple goals. At this point we were together for months and everyone had known of it, and when this was posted the friends cousin was online, and were also friends with the person posting it. This made me feel really uneasy and again hurt. Fast forward a month, my bf went on a camping trip with this friend, their cousin and family, his friends love interest and her friend. I felt a bit uneasy because i knew the cousin was there but wasn’t thinking too much of it.


My bf left on my birthday, which meant that he missed my 18th, and a week later he told me that his friends love interests friend started messaging him, i asked if she knew he had me, and he said he thinks so, i asked him to please tell her and he assured me he would, i then asked the next day if he did, he said no he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, i told him he was hurting mine and that my feelings were also important, I didn’t mind him talking to her but i wanted her to know he has a gf and that he doesn’t have any intentions of getting with her, he then told me he ended the conversation but he deleted the chat before showing me what he said. I forgave him and moved on.

A while later i saw a text from a work friend on his phone saying if you want covid come to my apartment and ill kiss you, which he replied, i dont think my mum will like that. I questioned him about it, him not knowing i saw what the actual texts said, and he told me that she said shed give it to him and he said his mum wouldn’t appreciate it, not mentioning the kissing. I left it. A couple months later, Christmas comes round, he knows i value quality time, he tells me hes going to spend christmas with his friends family and the cousin he used to like after we had agreed on spending  time together. I said it’s ok but i wanted to at least spend more than 2 hours together, he promised me we will, he came to visit me for an hour really early Christmas morning, went to spend time with his friends which was supposed to be lunch but turned into breakfast, lunch and dinner, he barely texted me throughout the day, making me believe he was still going to come see me, and then when it came round to 7 i realised he was not going to show up. I felt hurt because his exuse was he lost track of time, and to me i couldn’t understand how you can forget to spend time with someone you supposededly love so much. I also felt betrayed and jealous  because he spent it with someone he used to like/love (who also liked him back). I tried to explain this to him that night, his mum told him to just text me that i was being too sensitive, too much, and that he couldn’t deal with my mental health/suicidal issues and ignored me the whole night and next day.

I texted him at work saying he was hurting me which he replied to lets talk. We talked about everything where i had found out that he was going to the gym with this girl and some of his friends for months without telling me she was there, hugging her hello, showing her excerises. This hurt me deeply because I actually joined the same gym a year prior with the intentions to go with him, however, we went once and it was obvious he didn’t like going with me and never asked me to go with him again. I also know about the fact that they texted while we were in a relationship, nothing flirtatious, but he didn’t admit to this when i asked him to tell me everything, and still does not know i know. After this, he told me he would tell me about every interaction with her. A few days later he went to a restaurant with the friend and girl, apparently not knowing she will be there, sat right next to her, told me oh btw she is here, i said thats ok, look on insta to see hes sitting next to her, for what reason? Then a week later he confesses saying she texted him about something funny, he replied but deleted the chat and didn’t tell me about it. We talked about it, i forgave him.

I also found out that while we were in a relationship, a female at his work, our age, used to come up to him, hug him, smack his ass and touch him, he never told me about it and i found out through going through his phone (i know). I also then found out that he has liked multiple girls from his work. He also has liked insta pics of girls booties and provocative photos, which i explained makes me feel embarrassed and hurts me. He has stopped doing that, but ive started to notice him looking at other girls booties, and just looking around, which he admitted to doing. I told him it’s normal to find people attractive and noticing it is ok but staring is different. Which i dont think he does stare, but i cant really trust anymore. Weve spoken about all of this, and i have forgiven him but for some reason i just cant get past all the hurt and pain this has caused me, especially the mental health comment which has resulted in me not speaking about it at all anymore. We have started going to the gym together, but every time i cant help but think about how he did this with the friends cousin, and how if he notices other girls booties how he was probably looking at hers. Did i forgive him too quickly? It has been about 6 months and nothing else has happened, he has told me about encountering the girl, and told me everything about it, all i can do now is try and trust his word but i dont have much trust anymore. Not to mention his mum hates me because im taking him away from her apparently. Am i too jealous? Am I overreacting? Does him deleting chats mean anything? What do i do?  

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9 minutes ago, Lalaland100 said:

Am I overthinking and am I the problem?

Nope. Your boyfriend is the problem.

Please reconsider staying in this relationship. His actions are insensitive and slimey.

Just, no.

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It's clear your boyfriend is not boyfriend material.  He's attracted to every girl that moves.  He won' be ready to be a steady by for quite some time yet.  To protect your heart, break up with him and find a boy who actually prefers spending time with you rather than his friends and all of these random girls.


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3 hours ago, Lalaland100 said:

, his mum told him to just text me that i was being too sensitive, too much, and that he couldn’t deal with my mental health/suicidal issues . his mum hates me because im taking him away from her apparently. 

Please talk to trusted friends and family. He doesn't seem ready willing or able to be the BF you want.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Step back and focus on your physical and mental health. If you feel suicidal reach out to a hotline for help. 

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 He's not treating you with respect, has no respect for your feelings and he's a manipulator. Obviously he's feeding his friends and mum a bunch a bad things/bs about you that aren't even true. That's one sick dude. Sorry you can do way better than him.

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Break up with him. 

This isn't a relationship that's going to last anyway, and price to your emotional health is way too high. 

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You're not overreacting. 

You're underreacting.

I'm sorry OP, but he does not love you.

I wouldn't pull half the things he has if he did.

He is a scumbag and I can guarantee that he is not faithful. 

He spends more time with that girl than you and he won't tell her he has a gf.

He is so disrespectful of you and so is his mother.

Please kick him to the curb.

You deserve so much better than this.

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