Getting divorce after 20 years- terrified to jump!

[Summer2024]

I think you are right stillafool however he does not remember he made many mistakes and I gave him multiple chances. Even though I am hurt for all the pain he caused me, I would give me a chance if he asks for one. I would do it for our family and for the vows we said to each other and for the life we built together, which was not all that bad at all. I don't know if it would work but I would at least try it. 

I am a fighter and don't give up easily but as you said he made up his mind already and does not see me for who I am. And I know who I am and what I am worth!

I appreciate your input! And  yours, Wiseman2, Introverted1, R22x, BrinnM and Alwayscurious!

 

 

[Summer2024]

Thank you for that alwayscurious, I needed it today!

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Chaptertwo said:

I think you are right stillafool however he does not remember he made many mistakes and I gave him multiple chances.

Perhaps you're right and he doesn't remember because he was drinking.  It's been said that sometimes when a person ends an addiction they also leave their partner because they view them as a part of the addiction.  They want and need a fresh start so they don't fall back into old habits and most importantly the addiction.  

Edited August 25, 2022 by stillafool

[Will am I]

I'm so sorry to read this. First of all let me wish you strength and wisdom.

Responding from my personal perspective. I'm male, mid 40s, married between 15 and 20 years, two children with the oldest in high school. I recognize a lot of what you write. My wife and I are currently in couples counseling now and I'm very hopeful that we will come out stronger. 

 

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Hi! I am a 43 years old woman, with adolescent children, who has been married for 20 years. I love my husband but we caused each other a lot pain. He inflicted a lot of pain on me and caused traumatic experiences at the beginning of our marriage, like when he decided to be watching porn while I was having contractions in the hospital expecting our first child, or like when he met a woman in the park and they arranged to meet for coffee (only I found the email before they did- we shared a computer back then) or when he left me after having our first child and I had postpartum depression. I begged him to come back (I was 24 years old, with a new baby, family in another country and scared- I was fragile) we went to therapy and things seemed to get better.  We had more children right after and he seemed finally happy and I was too.

Okay... porn. Yes, it's an immature, detached and selfish way to experience sexuality. On this forum you will see how different women respond differently. Some may consider it cheating, others are ok with it inside certain bounds. It's up to you to decide your own position on the subject but I want to share that it's not a black and white thing. The timing really sucks. Did you explain how deeply you were hurting by his infidelity right at that moment when you were most exhaisted and in pain and scared and lonely and vulnerable and needed his devotion more than ever? Did he understand? Was there true remorse?

The woman in the park. I would put more weight on that one. Even if it was only going to be coffee, he was making steps out of the relationship and into the arms of another woman.

And leaving you in your darkest times, that is plain awful. Many marriages would have failed right then. I must say that there has to be another side to the story. Leaving your wife is painful for both, I assume your husband must have been feeling quite desperate.

 

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Even though he is 7 years older than me, he was very immature and justified it to me that way and I forgave him (or maybe I did not) I carried the resentment for many years, I still feel pain when I think of those first years of my marriage.

Forgiving and carrying resentment are exclusive. When you forgive, you choose to drop the resentment and leave that behind. 

Even if it will not automatically mean that you forgot or that the pain is gone. Forgiving may help to take away the power of anger, frustration and pain over your own heart but it's no magic potion.

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Looking back,  I wasn’t kind to him many times, I lashed back at him, calling him derogatory names and telling him I would divorce him, I wanted to make him feel the pain he made me feel. That was my mistake. I did not let go of the past.

That was my point on "forgiveness". I think you didn't really forgive, you just chose to let him off the hook. It's different on the spiritual and emotional levels.

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So fast forward 20 years and he asked me for a divorce. Our relationship has not been great for the last two years, we became disconnected and I started to see so many flaws on him just as he did with me.

I am so sorry to read this. 

The "disconnected" -- I totally relate. We must have spent more than a decade like that. The period when we had stopped fighting and found what I call "peaceful coexistence". Outsiders thought we were rocking it. Me, I started feeling more and more lonely and disconnected until I started develing an increasing desire to leave.

This is the part where my story diverges from your husband's. I came one step short of asking for a divorce. My wake up call was when I had fallen in love with another woman with whom I had intimate and increasingly inappropriate e-mail contact. Realized I did not want to be that kind of guy, got my priorities straight (with the help of a select number of male friends and some good, critical interactions on this forum). Decided that the marriage deserves another chance, prioritized improving the marriage over leaving the marriage over staying in the marriage on the old foot (I believe that's the magic sequence if you're looking for change). Confessed, explained, asked my wife to forgive me and join me on a journey of working on our marriage. 

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I always tried to be the perfect mom, the “good wife”, home made dinners most every night, his clothes were always organized and clean, house looked great, I run our social life and we had a lot of friends.

Praise to you. You worked hard and did an amazing job. 

But: were you still in sync in these years? 

No doubts on the effort you put in. But did you check with your husband if this was indeed what he needed from you? 

Projecting: maybe he didn't care so much about organized clothes as he would have cared about true heart to heart intimacy with you.

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But in reality, I never let go of the pain he caused me and blamed him. (There are many more examples, like him proposing with a plastic ring, not thinking it through, out of an impulse) I always felt like he did not value me enough to plan a nice proposal with a real ring. Anyway, I can see now the mistakes I made and how perhaps we were never a good fit.

Doesn't this fit the same picture from the first paragraph? The picture of an immature man who sometimes acted like a jerk because he didn't think things trhough and wasn't very good at understanding how his actions would come across to you? 

The big question is for you: what if you could let go of all the hurt that is older than 10 years? Was your husband an OK kind of guy later on?

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But if I did not married him and insisted on being married to him, I would not have the amazing children I have. 

That sounds like "mom guilt". Let it go. It's not a healing or meaningful thought. The children are forever yours (and your husband's). You're not erasing then like the people on the photo in Back to the Future.

 

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I need to move on but I am, sometimes, terrified of being alone, of screwing my kids so much (the statistics are scary on their own) I am afraid of how I will react when he has another partner, (it will break my heart again) I am already heartbroken.

Asking you to realize that you are both heartbroken.

Men don't ask for a divorce easily. Statistics show that it's the woman who takes the initiative in a large majority of divorce cases. That goes to show that this is a pretty desperate step for a man to take. I truly feel for you, but I feel for your husband too.

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He has many good, decent qualities, such as he is a good dad, honest, was never unfaithful (maybe because I was quick to figure it out), he is easy going and gets alone with my side of the family 

Rephrasing: so he is kind of a decent guy to be with, if you could get rid of the resentment and overlook the really old stuff?

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but he lacks passion, and excitement, and most importantly he was always willing to live without me. (That is how I felt for all these years).

For years I was "willing to live without my wife". Not really without her, but each of us doing our own thing in our little two-state solution.

Passion, excitement? You only uncover those areas once you connect better.

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There are days I cry a lot and there days I feel like I got this. I also have doubts of how I will find a guy who checks all the boxes for me.

Should a divorce automatically mean you need another man in your life? 

I understand how hard it is to be a single mom, but I think it's better to consider divorce apart from remarriage.

The "divorce question" should not be "partner A or partner B" but more like "partner A or single". New relationships should come only after sucessfully establishing a life without your ex-spouse.

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Should I begged my husband again to stay with me?

Never beg. You're his equal.

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Should we try again? 

It's hard to answer that question without hearing from your husband. But based on your story I think it's a YES.

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Honestly, I think divorced men my age want to date women 20 years younger and although beauty was never an issue for me, I am not 23 anymore and I will not date a man who is 20 years older than me. I feel like most nice men are married, taken, that is why they are married and unavailable!

Reasons to date younger:

1. big reason: younger women don't come with children.

I believe it'd take a lot of hard work to establish a compound family and I think it'd be painful for a man to live in a house with someone else's kids while his own kids are in living with his ex-wife. That situation would just feel so painful evry day.

2. smaller reason: I heard stories of how divorced women in their 40s can be true bridezillas. 

Like they're demanding their second husband needs to treat them well plus compensate for all the previous maririage came up short. I'm not sure how real and how frequent these experiences are, but for a man that would feel like you have working your hands to the bone while she's filling her days shopping and relaxing on the beach. Unbalanced and skewed to your disadvantage.

3. smallest reason: cute young chick. Superficial bueaty.

 

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I have gotten in really good shape, I exercise and eat healthy, I feel physically strong but emotionally, I am mess.

Exercise, healthy eating habits and a good regular sleep rhythm are foundational to emotional strength,. Keep it up, you need it now more than ever.

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I never thought I would get divorce (even after I threatened him with one a few times). I just never expected he would want out, since I was the one who gave him so many chances. I thought he owed me for life, ha!

Understand your feelings. But marriage should be more about wanting to be together than about owing eachother our presence.

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I know my story is complex, but if some pieces resonate with you, or you have some similar experiences and are now doing great and happy,  I would love some advice and to hear about your journey.

Lots of your emotions resonate. Strongly.

 

Edited August 25, 2022 by Will am I

[Summer2024]

WillamI, you dissected my words in an amazing way and I appreciate your understanding time and perspective, not sure you if are a therapist but you sure sounds like one. Thank you!

I think it comes to the fact that we had a nice life together and beautiful smart adolescent children (all left the house already) so our relationship needed to either be about reconnecting or calling it done!  He lacks so many things, he is weak, not passionate, not a fighter as I am, go to sleeps at 9pm, gets up at 5am, (bc he wants to) he does not have to, he is self employed and does not go to work right away. I think while the kids were home, we liked each other as parents and we worked well that well and we built a beautiful castle but in sand land.

He is willing to live without me. I told him so many times, I would wait for him if he could only come back strong and have the strength to pursuit me again, try dating me again and being a gentleman. He is not interested. 
 

He does not know how to communicate, when we had a fight, he literally runs and I stay emotionally broken. I am the opposite, I need to talk things through, I need to hear from him, “ok we had a fight, I need to go for a run or walk or take some fresh air but I love you and I will come back”

the last fight we had was 5 days before my bday, we were in another country, had a fight, I said leave, and he left to the airport and left me. I came back home to work- things out and talk and he said he moved out (2 days before my bday).

he hurt me so much, I feel, that I am still young, I am very attractive (never had an issue there and I don’t say this bragging but  I know the first impression you have of someone is by how they look) beyond that I am a doer, super strong, have my own business and I want to find someone who loves me even if I raised my voice when we have a fight and understand that if I say “leave” I don’t mean leave me for good, and know what to say, which is, “I love you, I need to go for a run and we will figure this out”. (I have literally said to him to say those words to Me) he does not get it. 
 

he says he wants peace. We did not fight all that much, we come from different cultures, I am Italian-Latina, he is German-English. 

I want better because I deserve better. I thing I put up with way too much and built a beautiful family but now I can still find happiness and it does not have or need to be from Another man. I want to travel the world, go to places I have never been, go out, have time for myself, feel strong emotionally and physically, work hard on my business and be happy! And if I am lucky I will find a guy who sees all that I am worth and says “I can’t live without her” Or “she is amazing, how lucky I am”

 

Thank You again, Will am I.
 

And I am done getting responses, newbie here, How do I close this forum? 

 

[stillafool]

Oh I had no idea your kids are grown and out of the house.  That makes this a whole different story IMO.

[Will am I]

I'm not a therapist, I'm responding from my own experience in a marriage that has quite some similarities with your story. My story right now is a story of hope (although also hurt, and insecurity. but mostly hope).

 

I guess this all comes down to motivation @Chaptertwo. Yours and his.

I believe that you have spent most of your marriage living in a disconnected emotional state, and resenting eachother over the lonelines and disconnect you were both experiencing. A tragic picture of two people who really long to to be together but are constantly creating emotional obstacles in the middle. Actually that disconnect that you have been unable to solve seems to be the story of the whole relationship failing. The rest is just cause and effect. I believe that if you and he were truly motivated for change, you could put this behind you and make things work for the future. I mean, you did the hardest and most intense part of life together, you can do the future. But only if the desire towards connection and intimacy is still there, from both sides.

 

When I replied to your original post, I missed two pieces of information from later posts:

1. your husband's problem with alcohol

2. the fact that you have been separated for a significant amount of time.

 

The alcohol thing strengtens my belief that a lot of your problems go back to the rocky start of your marriage, which in my perception was caused by his immaturity. That you started off on the wrong foot and things kind of went south from there. My general perception of addiction is that it's an immature way to deal with emotions. Get stressed, have a drink. Instant gratification rather than work on the underlying isue. Fits the pattern. And because the imature behaviour seems to have gotten better over the years, that is a hopeful element.

 

The separation is not so hopeful. I can't help but think that maybe he is seeing another woman now and wants to move forward with her. But that's pure speculation.

 

35 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

I feel, that I am still young, I am very attractive (never had an issue there and I don’t say this bragging but  I know the first impression you have of someone is by how they look) beyond that I am a doer, super strong, have my own business and I want to find someone who loves me even i

I have no idea how you look, but generally speaking: women in their forties with good self care and modern skin care and hair products... well they can look as attractive as when they were 25. 

And you sure have a lot going for you. Like you say: self supporting, strong, disciplined. And may I add eloquent, able to phrase a complex situation with a lot of emotional load into understandable and reletable text.

Also: finding a life partner is a lot easier after the kids moved out. Not everybody likes the idea of becoming a stepparent, and even those that do want to take the chance may fail. Partner and kids not getting along is a major reason for break-ups in second marriages.

 

So, yes. You will be fine. Either way. Together with your husband if you both choose to commit, truly commit deeper than you have in the past, and get professional help.

Or you without your husband, in the future potentially with another life partner.

[Summer2024]

Thank you, Will am I! 
And as a woman I am happy to read that there are men like you that are good communicators, able to restrain themselves from affairs and willing to fight for their family and for love!!

I applaud  you for that! It gives me a lot of hope about men. 
 

I hope your work in your marriage is successful and you and your wife find happiness together again!! 

[Will am I]

Thank you. I’m flattered.

The reality: for the longest time I was a very poor communicator, and instead of openly discussing our differences I would rather pull back to avoid conflict.

And restraining from affairs, the only credit I can take on that one is that I had the sense to pull out of an emotional affair before I let things spiral out of control.

Not exactly an angel.

That’s my message: if my wife and I can turn this around after so many years, than maybe you and your husband can do it too. Especially since your story seems to so much resemblance.

The big question: is it too late already?

In your writing I sense you’re mostly focusing on life after divorce. But you don’t seem to have closed the door completely. If some angel descended and offered you a much better marriage with the same man, you just might take it.

You husband: one big question mark. Gone 8 months, asking for divorce, possibly given his heart to another woman (although that part is completely speculative).

Are you speaking with eachother regularly? Or are you really at the point where divorce becomes the last formality?

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Chaptertwo said:

And I am done getting responses, newbie here, How do I close this forum? 

There are 3 tiny dots on the upper right hand side of your post.  You hit that and then hit flag which will bring up an option to contact the Moderators.  Then you write that you want to close your thread.

[Summer2024]

Will am I, I think my case is different in the sense that it is too late. We have been separated for a long time and my husband is very weak (right now keeping his sobriety) but in general he is not a strong man. He is someone who always had everything on a silver platter. Grew up with no problems, access to everything and never had to fight for anything.

As I said, the only reason we stayed together so long is because I insisted to go to marriage therapy and begged him because we had one child. Things got better, but he never fully got me.
 

So do you  know when you know someone for a long time and have a deep connection with that person, and you want to communicate something but for x reason you can’t do it verbally (maybe the person you want to say something about is right there) but just looking at your spouse you know what she/he means and is trying to say? Well that never happened between us. He never got me. And for many years I thought it was cultural (we come from different cultures) but I realized now it is not, it is a connection thing. 
 

I also always felt he is not a loyal person (nothing to do with being faithful) loyal in the sense of always having my back. Well he is not, he rather be the arbitrary but it does not matter if I was his wife or not, he never backed me up blindly, that is loyalty! When you know the other person will be in your side (even if you might be wrong a little off). Well we never had that! I am extremely loyal with everyone I love, my children, my friends….

Anyway, reading your comments gave me hope and really reassured me that he is not the one (and I know you have been trying to communicate the opposite message - the message of try it one more time!) But I know deep inside me I chose a great dad to my kids but for many years I lowered my standards for the kind of romantic relationship I want and now I am in a place that With the kids out of the house and he responding as he is, (not trying to win me back) that I know I deserve better! 
 

 

[Summer2024]

And answering your last question, we do not talk anymore, we communicate about the kids via text or email. And we have initiated legal proceedings. 

[Will am I]

I guess it’s a sad ending then, but every ending is also a new beginning. 

You’ll be fine, for all the reasons that we spoke about before. 

[Weezy1973]

It sounds to me he was never really your “type”. He was a great father, which might be why you stayed, but now that the parenting phase is over, he no longer appeals to you. You’re looking for someone where you feel sexual chemistry. Or maybe you’ve already met somebody. Either way, while men do find it hard to divorce, a wife cheating or sexually desiring other men is definitely something that will cause that. 

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OP's request