Healing/re-parenting your inner child

[Vivalavi]

I have been reading a lot on this subject ever since I discovered it. Several months ago, I didn't have a clue how having a father alcoholic and codependent mom can leave scars on you as a child. How deep it stays within you and gets triggered when you are an adult. Your inner child wanting to be heard, seen, and  feel loved. Dealing with a fear of abandonment in every relationship. It all makes so much sense. 

But the reason I'm writing here is to ask about your own experience, about the best ways to approach it. Did you heal your inner child? Did you reparent yourself? What helped you the most? Any advice is appreciated.

[NYAG]

Almost any childhood experience can leave a lasting impression on you into adulthood and into how you manage in the world. But we all process things differently. I was bullied throughout my school life and I still don't know why. It left me mistrusting of everyone and is why when I got into relationships I ended up in those that reinforced my belief that I am not worth meeting someone nice. I feel very uncomfortable when someone compliments me and I am always a bit embarrassed when someone does something nice for me or gives me a gift etc. I just can't align it with the way I feel about myself. I came from a normal family with normal parents in a nice middle class comfortable place. Nothing else ever went wrong except me and my relationships. I still shy away from nice men in relationships and realising this, it's why I only date non available men (hence I am here) or in open-monogamous relationships because I can't trust which will undermine any relationship and what decent bloke would want me anyway. I don't think I have anything to offer someone. And that is all because of people who probably wouldn't even remember me now. On the flip side I could have turned into a bully or a controlling partner. It just depends on how you process things. Everything can affect a child. It can go either way how the experience manifests.

[Taramere]

On 10/16/2021 at 1:03 AM, Vivalavi said:

But the reason I'm writing here is to ask about your own experience, about the best ways to approach it. Did you heal your inner child? Did you reparent yourself? What helped you the most? Any advice is appreciated.

I think that's an ongoing job.  The first time I was conscious of this "parenting yourself" thing was when I was being sacked (fired) by a real scumbag of a guy who had (unknown to me at the time) made some mistakes that he was looking to blame on me once I was gone.  I remember sitting there feeling frozen and not knowing how to respond to things he was saying to me.  Then I took a step outside the situation and asked myself what I'd do if I were an observer witnessing one person talking to another in the way that he was doing. 

As soon as I did that, it took me straight out of victim/distraught child mode.  I told him that he'd made a decision, was now going down a road of being childishly vindictive in his effort to justify it and should really just shut up since I had had no respect for him or his opinion.  It's hard to describe what was going on in any way other than that I was feeling like a cowed child while he was banging on, and then some kind of protective "parent" figure took over to cut his diatribe short.  Probably in a somewhat more aggressive way than I would have ideally liked, but it did the job of getting him to shut up.

There are times when I've been triggered in some way and I'm trying to calm myself down where I'll have an inner counsellor/client dialogue.  I think it's a very useful tool.  As far as "healing" yourself goes...I have to say I don't really believe in the concept of being able to heal oneself psychologically.  Some scars are as impossible to heal as it's impossible to forget what caused them.  You might genuinely feel for a long time that you've 100% forgiven another person for something, until they do something that triggers your memory of the previous offence.  Too much focus on words like "healing" and "forgiveness" can result in you being overly hard on yourself if you're confronted with evidence that actually you haven't entirely healed and you haven't entirely forgiven for the simple reason that you can't forget.

Don't get me wrong.  If you do get to a place where you feel entirely healed from something traumatic, or have 100% forgiven somebody who hurt you, then that's great - but I think for a lot of people it's more about recognising triggers, managing emotions and having that internal strong adult/parent who you can reach inwards for when somebody's treating you in a way that's calculated to bring out and attack the frightened/angry little kid in you. 

The difficulty you maybe face is one of not having been presented with a strong adult role model by your parents.  My parents had a lot of flaws, but my father in particular - despite a very volatile temper - had a calm adult side to him that, when I saw it, I had a lot of respect for.  Then of course there are all the other calm, competent people around who you can look to as models for how you would like to handle difficult situations.  I remember professionally I was dealing with a very difficult, aggressive client who didn't speak English, and there was a young interpreter present.  She contacted me afterwards to compliment me on how I'd handled the situation and said (laughingly) "when I grow up I want to be like you."  It was like "yeah, me too...but thanks".  In other words I'd handled the situation well that time, but there plenty of other times I'd screw up.  Sometimes that inner adult/good parent is harder to reach than other times!

Edited October 17, 2021 by Taramere

[Vivalavi]

On 10/17/2021 at 10:56 AM, Taramere said:

I think that's an ongoing job.  The first time I was conscious of this "parenting yourself" thing was when I was being sacked (fired) by a real scumbag of a guy who had (unknown to me at the time) made some mistakes that he was looking to blame on me once I was gone.  I remember sitting there feeling frozen and not knowing how to respond to things he was saying to me.  Then I took a step outside the situation and asked myself what I'd do if I were an observer witnessing one person talking to another in the way that he was doing. 

As soon as I did that, it took me straight out of victim/distraught child mode.  I told him that he'd made a decision, was now going down a road of being childishly vindictive in his effort to justify it and should really just shut up since I had had no respect for him or his opinion.  It's hard to describe what was going on in any way other than that I was feeling like a cowed child while he was banging on, and then some kind of protective "parent" figure took over to cut his diatribe short.  Probably in a somewhat more aggressive way than I would have ideally liked, but it did the job of getting him to shut up.

There are times when I've been triggered in some way and I'm trying to calm myself down where I'll have an inner counsellor/client dialogue.  I think it's a very useful tool.  As far as "healing" yourself goes...I have to say I don't really believe in the concept of being able to heal oneself psychologically.  Some scars are as impossible to heal as it's impossible to forget what caused them.  You might genuinely feel for a long time that you've 100% forgiven another person for something, until they do something that triggers your memory of the previous offence.  Too much focus on words like "healing" and "forgiveness" can result in you being overly hard on yourself if you're confronted with evidence that actually you haven't entirely healed and you haven't entirely forgiven for the simple reason that you can't forget.

Don't get me wrong.  If you do get to a place where you feel entirely healed from something traumatic, or have 100% forgiven somebody who hurt you, then that's great - but I think for a lot of people it's more about recognising triggers, managing emotions and having that internal strong adult/parent who you can reach inwards for when somebody's treating you in a way that's calculated to bring out and attack the frightened/angry little kid in you. 

The difficulty you maybe face is one of not having been presented with a strong adult role model by your parents.  My parents had a lot of flaws, but my father in particular - despite a very volatile temper - had a calm adult side to him that, when I saw it, I had a lot of respect for.  Then of course there are all the other calm, competent people around who you can look to as models for how you would like to handle difficult situations.  I remember professionally I was dealing with a very difficult, aggressive client who didn't speak English, and there was a young interpreter present.  She contacted me afterwards to compliment me on how I'd handled the situation and said (laughingly) "when I grow up I want to be like you."  It was like "yeah, me too...but thanks".  In other words I'd handled the situation well that time, but there plenty of other times I'd screw up.  Sometimes that inner adult/good parent is harder to reach than other times!

I didn't know about the inner child until recently and it all makes so much sense. I'm afraid that in my case the most damage happened when I was little when I can't remember much like 1-5 years old perhaps. My dad was always alcoholic which is sad. I don't judge him for it. It's his copying mechanisms for whatever scars he has. Seeing him now, when I'm almost 40, I feel sad for him. He is avoidant and I believe emotionally very little available. Maybe that's why I find myself attracted to that type of people. To what's familiar. Unhealthy but familiar. And it's all about breaking that pattern which I find so hard to do so.

 

[SingFish]

My therapist thinks that early childhood abuse/neglect/trauma affects us deeply because we cannot consciously remember it or attribute it to anything. Things retrigger it and we don't know why it's so painful. He's recommended Louise Hay's 'Mirror Work' 21 day program and journal it, I plan to start it next week. 

My parents were alcoholic too and my mother was 16 when she had me, she just had no clue. But dad and I were friends later in life. 

I still don't respond well to 'mother figures'.