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It is my fault


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Hello, well my dilema is this. been with my wife 6 years married for 4.

My fault was lack of communication while out at my buddies house 2 blocks away. Would go and drink, end up staying late like 10pm to 6am. She called it overnights. All she wanted was me to text or call to let her know i was not coming home. So simple, yet i am terrible with my phone its never charged and i would get to talking and drinking not thinking to communicate. So i worked on that. eventually no problem.. I started gambling like year to year and half. Not like i have to but fast money thinking i had a nitch and knew what was going on to win. 

So i would spend like 100 200 300 dollars. Well, after few times we sat donw and i said i would stop, then again and again. finally she wanted to stay at an bed and breakfast for a month for me to get my s*** together. i talked her to stay and said i would go to therapy, also was going to get a job 12hrs a day and 6 days a week. she said ok do it your way like each time.

  well couple weeks ago i spent like 600 and took few hundred out her account. That sucked and big fight. got another chance from her. then i slipped she fell asleep while rubbing her back n messing around. So i stepped out for cigarettes buying a beer and gambling 120... she played it off she made it seem nothing was wrong. i kept saying i will stop and work on me and new job. 

Well this passed Monday my wife took me to work,11am saying she was going to a bbq wouldnt be back till after 730 when i got off. so i took a lyft home get home dog is not here i thought brought her to the bbq. i go uptstairs to change when i saw she pack her stuff up and her daughters took the dog and two cats too.. i was like wtf!!!  Also that past saturday she met with her dad for breakfast so i guess they discussed her going back home..

Since monday she blocked my from calling and texting,  deactivated facebook, blocked me on messenger... She left me a journal she kept of the nights i screwed up, left a note saying -- today i say goodbye to pain, broken promises, inconsistances, betrayal, irresponsibilities, hurt. I tried with my all. i believe i gave you multiple oppurtunities, chances to do right. i didnt want to do this and i know this is going to hurt you. its hard to say goodbye, but i have to for my happiness. im sorry i am not happy with you, tony. i wish you nothing but the best. be a better father and love yourself. please dont try to contact me. best wishes.  yet she left two books next to the journal,  first book is how when love hurts 10 principals to transorm difficult relationships.    second book prayers for your marriage (we did read a bit of them too).

I have taken this very hard. i love her very much and miss her tremendously.    I couldnt take it not knowing if she is divorcing me or if she wants that month or more space while i work on me and get my s*** together. i wanted to know because without her i would need to sell the house. She had the 8,000 in her savings account for our house taxes for end of last year and this year. So without that money paid i cannot sell the house, i would lose it. I was afraid she would take that money and put a down payment on a house or place to live. 

She emailed me back----- leave me alone. give me a second to think! dont bother me at work! I could get into serious trouble. also dont email me here, all these emails are monitored..

So my freaking out but had called in the mean time this was being sent to me not knowing it. She answers and says dont call her at work, i said i need to know if we are divorcing, she says i dont know its been few days i need time to think. i say you dont know yet then seems like you planned all this well thought you were for sure. She says fine you want your answer i want a divorce then.  i said please dont do that take the time space i will work on me. hangs up. i sent an email please dont divorce me i am not a bad guy you said i have potential she knows it. well she responded back ---last form of contact for a few days. dont try to contact me again! GIVE ME MY SPACE!

i have not heard a word since. I have a pit in my stomach, barely eating and sleeping, cant stop getting upset being in the house it reminds me of her so much... She did say when she wanted that month she would leave most stuff here to show she is coming back, well she left stuff but i dont think she wanted it anyways. she is a teacher and left some teacher stuff too but might not matter to her. other thing is that the electric bill is in here name pays it, our cell phones in her name and pays that. I am on her insurance too. so since she has not cut that off yet i feel like she wants space and  me to get on me.  

I fixed my car so i can work and called the therapist we both saw and filled out application to the 12 hr job. i talked with some friends and i thought  

give her a month, our anniversary is oct. 5th i was hoping we could have a dinner and we could talk, because by then i would hope she know what she wants if she wants divorce be a great day to find out lol. If not i want to tell her my plan that i want to go away to a 30 - 45 day treatment to work on me. hoping she could stay at the house while i am gone and if i come back she is there then i know also i would be going to therapy once a week. as well as having the new job which she would have more space.  i think its a good plan... 

Though she did tell me, if she ever left that was it not coming back. I also could not take the pain constantly thinking i called the court office and asked if a divorce was filled on me and she said no. but told me it could take a few days, i was worried last week after her job she went to a lawyer for papers.. I was worried she would get a mortgage then divorce since getting a mortgage before divorxe cuz it breaks your score down. i feel if i do not see or served papers this week and maybe next week,  there is hope! 

I just cannot weigh in its over or not over... Most things are on the fence it seems cannot decide which way to go. i mean i remember saying she did not want to have to get a second divorce and didnt want to move back in with her dad. 


Can you guys give me any help would be grateful!!!!!

Edited by fiximgmymarriage
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1 hour ago, fiximgmymarriage said:

She left me a journal she kept of the nights i screwed up, left a note saying -- today i say goodbye to pain, broken promises, inconsistances, betrayal, irresponsibilities, hurt.

Sorry this is happening. Sounds like her next stop is  divorce attorney. Get an attorney. Also get yourself into detox/rehab for the drinking. 

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Sorry you are here.  And as your title implies... you already know it's your fault.   I'm guessing she will not come back.  You need to get your life together.  Get sober, stop wasting money gambling, stop staying out with your buddies all night... and stop steeling to feed your addictions. (you two had separate accounts for a reason)  I fully understand it's not easy to do... but for yourself... you need to do it. I burred the best man from my wedding when he was only 44. (He was an alcoholic) So please, find a counselor, AA, and GA meetings to help you through it. 

As @Wiseman2 said... get yourself a lawyer, and be prepared to move forward with a divorce.  We all know it hurts, and we all know you don't want to hear it.  But, you will be better eventually. Most of the time, the consultations are free. But the lawyer is not a counselor.  Keep it to business only.

As far as her buying a house before the divorce... if you are in the USA... that would be a foolish move.  Even if she is in the process of the divorce... her buying a house would make it "Marital Property".   My lawyer told me to not buy ANYTHING while the D was pending.   So, any money used to buy the house... she would have to compensate you  for.  But then again... to fight that point will cost money, and eventually the fight becomes more expensive.  In realty... the only person who will "Win" is the lawyer. 

On the insurance point... she legally can't remove you from her insurance until you are divorced. Then... at that point... her company has to offer you "Cobra".  (The price is ridiculous) 

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

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Unfortunately I think she has reached her breaking point.  Why should stay married to a man who stays out all night drinking with his buddies & doesn't call; who has a gambling problem; who steals from her & who lies to her?   Look at it from her perspective.  What is the upside of staying with you?  

You had a number of 2nd chances but you blew them all.  This is the consequence  

Good for her for finally extracting herself from this unworkable situation.   

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  • 2 weeks later...

"Actions speak louder than words". Look at her actions... That's what she wants.

On 9/14/2021 at 7:13 PM, fiximgmymarriage said:

  i said please dont do that take the time space i will work on me. hangs up. i sent an email please dont divorce me i am not a bad guy you said i have potential

I know it's hard to do but, don't beg. This shows your dependency on her, no woman wants a mate that is dependent on her. Her dependents are her children not her mate. She should be looking at you for provision, protection, leadership and be a solid partner in her life.

It's time to look after No#1 in your life, YOU!!! Seek help on the addictions, the last thing you need right now is drinking, it's a depressant.... Get your finances sorted out and stop gambling. Get fit, exercise daily if you can, you will feel better about yourself within a short period of time. Concentrate on you, not your situation. Eat healthy, junk/processed food might be easy but it's expensive, cook your own meals. Get direction in your life again, set some goals you can achieve and work towards those goals. Build your confidence again. Do what you can with the 6 sixes... The most important thing: Do it for you, because you matter. Others will come and go in your life and improving for them will only lead to failure.

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