Struggling with end of affair

[Minnie Moo]

Ended affair 3 weeks ago. Struggling to keep motivated that I did the right thing.  

Edited May 25, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
updated title to describe situation

[Happy Lemming]

Were you happy (prior)??

[Minnie Moo]

A bit of background:

I’m widowed 3 years with 2 kids (early teens) 

A year or so after my loss I took up dancing as a new hobby to help alleviate my grief.  It was fantastic. Just the release I’d been looking for.

Several months into this hobby I met a guy who hadn’t been to our lessons before. He was an amazing dancer, danced with me loads and we hit it off big time.

He didn’t wear a ring and though he said he had a kid he didn’t mention a wife. I didn’t pry, as I thought he could be separated/divorced/widowed. It didn’t occur to me he had a ring but just wasn’t wearing it.  So that night I let myself fall for him and believed I’d found someone wonderful.

I found out through Facebook the next day that he was, indeed, married (with a 3 year old), but we JD already started messaging each other and I was too ‘starry eyed’ to realize what was happening when he started ‘love bombing’ me.

Instead of putting the breaks on when I saw the married status, I disappeared under a barrage of messages, phone calls, selfies, memes, voice messages of him singing songs to me, music links to songs he wanted to dance to me with.  It was overwhelming and I was totally smitten.

Within a week, he’d driven a 3-hour round trip to see me and we’d made plans to meet up at other dance events.  This carried on for around 6 months as a very physical and emotional affair. He told me his wife didn’t want sex anymore, they didn’t get on anymore and they didn’t dance together anymore.  All things I chose to believe, but in the back of my head. I likely knew they were always lies.

Still, the love bombing continued. He phoned all day, every day when he could and for hours into the night when he was out working or fishing. Goodness knows whether his wife ever suspected. Anyway, lock down happened and I had a reality check in that, if we couldn’t physically see each other, maybe we should call it off and he should spend the time working on sorting his marriage.

Although I had fallen for him hook, line and sinker, the nagging doubt in my head that I was going against my morals and enabling him to cheat his wife did rear it’s head quite a lot and was causing me a lot of stress and anxiety.  He balked at the idea of ending it and ramped up the phone calls and messaging even further to the point where I was occasionally having to block him for a couple of days to get some peace.

Meanwhile, some rumours had reached my ears that I wasn’t the only person he had slept with from the dance scene and possibly that was still an ongoing relationship too, but with lock down clearly he couldn’t physically see anyone other than his wife.  He would always get incredibly cross and upset at me if I brought these rumours up and would not speak to me for a couple of days until I apologized for mentioning them. He fully expected me to believe him when he said they weren’t true. However if he was lying to his wife about me then it would be easy enough for him to lie to me about someone else.

I tried to not give the rumours any weight and for months over lock down he continued to phone and message as much as always and we would talk and share so much of our daily lives and life stories that I (foolishly) developed quite an emotional attachment to him and I thought he had to me too.

Fast forward to October last year and he started to go a bit quiet and odd with me and I couldn’t quite place what was happening. Eventually, at one point, I asked him if his wife was pregnant as he’d mentioned her being sick and in hospital with it. He didn’t answer the question, but ended up convincing me I was stupid for suggesting she was.

The next few months he was blowing hot and cold and getting angry at me if I tried to pick him up on it. Then, if I suggested ending things:back off he would say No No No and pay me some more attention for a few days again and I’d feel relieved that we were OK. He swore he wasn’t sleeping with his wife, he wasn’t ‘seeing’ anyone else and he didn’t want to end things with me.

By Christmas Eve, I’d had enough and after wishing him a merry Christmas, resolved to go no contact for a while and see if I could walk quietly away. I didn’t manage it. He messaged after 5 days as he’d missed me. The next day his wife (who I do not know and have never met) posted an update on her profile pic of them together with their son and her with a very visible baby bump. So, she was pregnant. I had guessed correctly. It wasn’t a miracle conception, either.

I went absolutely crazy at him. Said we should end things etc., etc., etc. He apologized profusely. Said he didn’t lie to me, he just never told me!!!!! He let me calm down for a couple of days and then he suggested we should be just friends.  He really cared for me and got me and didn’t want to lose me and we should be friends forever and he’d never leave me. (I should add here that my late hubby took his own life so I have major abandonment issues) 

I tried so so hard to be ‘just friends’ but he would message and call less and less, or he would suddenly start flirting again, or he would act like nothing had ever happened and expect me to be the same.

I just couldn’t hack it anymore and a few weeks back I decided to end it. Just woke up and sent him a few short and to the point texts telling him I was blocking him on all social media and if he tried to contact me or turn up at my dancing (when it restarts) again, I will tell his wife and send her copies of some of the texts I’ve kept and phone records.  

When I’ve tried to break it off before, I’ve always felt so bad for him, he’s been suffering badly with depression and anxiety and sleep problems and has twice told me he’s contemplated ending his life and that if I told his wife ‘I would have his life in my hands’ But since I sent those messages he has totally disappeared and blocked me on everything too.  And now I feel utterly broken.

I’d begged him to block me ages ago, knowing I would never stick to it. And I can’t. I keep unblocking and checking. He’s definitely got me blocked. So he’s moved on, but I’m feeling totally stuck and keep trying to remember why I ended this. It’s not healthy, it’s not good for me, it’s not good for him and even just staying (secret) friends with him is not fair on his unsuspecting wife.  I wish to goodness I’d never met him, never let him into my head or heart, but no idea 3 weeks in how to stop wanting to talk to him, hear his voice or try make things right between us.  
 

Edited March 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs and spacing for readability. Some grammar & spelling fixes.

[Minnie Moo]

I’ve been reading some of the other posts and responses on this forum and they’re helping massively. So glad I found it.  As the OW I’m really struggling to find any kind of advice or help on how to deal with the mess I know I got myself into but wasnt strong enough to stop or get out of before it caused so much hurt. I’m really worried about his mental health as I was so abrupt and harsh and it was so unexpected of me to have sent him those messages. I’ve never been that direct with him before.  

[Minnie Moo]

Happy Lemming. 
I was fairly happy before meeting him. I’d had a few failed short term relationships since my hubby died (jan 2018) but nothing that caused me to not be able to move forward at the time. This affair, connection, friendship, relationship, whatever the heck it ended up being has totally stumped me and caused me to question myself (and other people’s ‘happy’ marriages) so much. My late husband was emotionally abusive and used coercive control and eventually physical abuse towards me. I was with him and faithful for over x20 years though as I always maintained I would leave the marriage for my own sake and not for another person.  

[DKT3]

There are plenty of examples to follow....you're not ready. Until you are ready make the commitment to yourself each day to just make it through that day...hopefully it gets easier for you

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I was fairly happy before meeting him.

You'll be happy again, just give yourself some time.

[SMoore]

Affairs are destructive, painful and dysfunctional.  All you can do is escape, minimise the pain to others, heal and move on.

You are absolutely better off out of it.  No question.

[Minnie Moo]

I think what I’m looking for advice/reassurance on is that 

1. I definitely did the right thing in ending the affair. 
2, We really couldn’t have ‘downgraded’ to being just friends - does that ever work after an affair and why would he want to do that? 
3. I’m doing the right thing by not telling his wife, even though he had no qualms about getting her pregnant whilst still carrying on an affair 

4. I wasn’t being ‘mean’ and ‘horrribe’ to him by ending things over text and being so damned harsh about it.  I feel awful for how it’s all ended , knowing I was practically the only person he spoke to other than his wife about his depression and anxiety.  

[Happy Lemming]

23 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I’d had a few failed short term relationships since my hubby died (jan 2018) but nothing that caused me to not be able to move forward at the time. 

I'm sorry for your loss (husband).

In my youth, I dated a married woman.  It was fantastic.  I had so much fun!!  We were into the same things, adventures, camping, dancing, etc.  The sex was AMAZING and non-stop!!

After about 8-10 months, she broke it off as she wanted to give her marriage one last try.  I understood, I didn't like it, but I understood.  I was quite sad, but after a little while I got happy again.  You will, as well.

In answer to your numbered questions...  (1) I really didn't want the affair to end, I was really having fun and enjoying myself.  (2)There would be no way to "down grade" to friends, it was an "All or Nothing" type of thing. (3) I never spoke to her husband, at all... and never would have. (4) I don't think she was tying to be mean or hurtful to me, she had a path she had to explore (giving her marriage one more try) and I didn't figure into that path. 

 

[Minnie Moo]

Happy Lemming. I haven’t worked out how to reply to and copy bits of posts yet sorry. 

my heart didn’t want the affair to end. My head told me I had to. My MM wanted to be friends and out of the blue after a perfectly nice convo the night before I sent him these harsh texts telling him it was all over. I feel awful for cashing him such hurt 

Im nervous his wife will find out the long way round as quite a few people had suspicions and some dance friends do now know as I broke down on them about it.  Fortunately we’re not back to lessons and events yet due to lockdown so maybe news won’t travel as far   
 

how did you get over missing your AP and wanting to see/speak to her again? At the moment my phone being so silent is like torture   

 

 

[FMW]

I came to this forum a few years ago because I became involved with a guy that was separated from his wife but still married.  After 3 years I was only able to walk away without a backward glance when he ghosted me for a few months while he was establishing a new relationship with a wealthy woman. He's still married today to his wife of more than 20 years, and still with the wealthy woman as well.      

Sometimes we make really bad choices, especially when that choice at least temporarily lifts us out of feeling grief and loss.  So don't beat yourself up, but learn the lesson and make sure to never repeat it.  

Unfortunately it takes a lot more than 3 weeks to get past it.  A lot more.  But don't give in to the temptation to reach out or respond to him.  Focus on all the bad feelings your involvement has caused you.  Any good feelings that you had with him can be found with other men in the future without all the bad (if you choose to date, and when you're ready).  

(1) Of course you did the right thing ending the affair.  Keep reading all the OW/OM stories on LS.  Don't let yourself think "but we're different".  (2) Of course you can't be "just friends", again read the stories. (3) whether to tell or not is a choice you have to make.  There are plenty of threads on that topic. (4) and again - read other threads that's a common feeling, but very, very misguided. 

I rarely ever comment on this section of the forum now, but I was compelled to respond to your post because YOU ARE OUT.  Please don't go back.  

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

how did you get over missing your AP and wanting to see/speak to her again? At the moment my phone being so silent is like torture  

This was many years ago and there was no pandemic.  I just went out and tried to meet someone new to date. I kept myself busy, as well.

Of course I wanted to speak to her and see her, but I respected her wishes and left her alone.

About six months after the breakup, she called me up and wanted to get back together.  She had "thrown in the towel" on her marriage and was getting divorced.  At that point, I was dating someone new and didn't want to dump the new girlfriend.

 

[Minnie Moo]

FMW:  thank you so much for your response. It’s reassuring to know I’m following the ‘right’ if painful path.  My head has become so messed up over the last year and half of getting involved with him that had I not put the breaks on it likely would’ve carried on for as long as he wanted it to.  
I’ve been reading lots of the posts and stories on here and finding them very helpful. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who’s been in this situation and that there is hope for getting out of it and being happy again.
So  Pleased you have managed to be after extracting yourself from your affair.  Thank you 
 

 

 

 

[Minnie Moo]

Happy Lemming: Yes I agree keeping busy and getting out and about would help lots - just not currently doable in this pandemic and that’s causing me to spend lots of time (that I would normally be talking to him) sat contemplating and worrying over what’s happened.  
 

that’s good to hear that you found happiness after your affair partner left and were able to refuse her when she tried to come back to you.  
 

my MM likely won’t contact me ever again as I threatened to tell his wife if he did.  He probably hates me just as much as he was infatuated with me in the beginning 

[Cookiesandough]

Glad you went NC, Minniemoo. Sorry you are struggling.Stay strong and it will get easier for you

[hajk]

51 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

I haven’t worked out how to reply to and copy bits of posts yet sorry.

@Minnie Moo at the bottom of each post, there is a + sign and word "Quote".  You can click on the word "Quote" to copy text from that post.  The + sign is for MultiQuote.

You can also put @ then type in the poster name as I did above, and the poster will get notification of your post.

Edited March 7, 2021 by hajk

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

...just not currently doable in this pandemic and that’s causing me to spend lots of time (that I would normally be talking to him) sat contemplating and worrying over what’s happened. 

 

I understand completely...

13 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

that’s good to hear that you found happiness after your affair partner left and were able to refuse her when she tried to come back to you. 

In hindsight, I think I should have dumped the new girlfriend and gone back to the divorcing woman.  We were just really compatible, she also had that "nomadic gene" in her DNA that I have.  We would have been one of those nomadic couples that travels and travels and travels.  Oh well... its in the past.  I do hope she found some happiness after her divorce.

18 minutes ago, Minnie Moo said:

my MM likely won’t contact me ever again as I threatened to tell his wife if he did.  He probably hates me just as much as he was infatuated with me in the beginning 

Hate is a strong word... I don't think he hates you.  And I don't think the woman in my scenario hated me, she was disappointed that we didn't get back together, but I don't think either one of us hated each other...  It was just bad timing.

[Minnie Moo]

5 minutes ago, hajk said:

@Minnie Moo at the bottom of each post, there is a + sign and word "Quote".  You can click on the word "Quote" to copy text from that post.  The + sign is for MultiQuote.

You can also put @ then type in the poster name as I did above, and the poster will get notification of your post.

@hajk Great. Thank you 😊 
 

The No Contact is killing me.  This is the longest we’ve never spoken in over a year and a half. We both blocked each other but he knows it will be hurting me far more than him. He gets to hug and talk to his wife still. I’m left without him.  It just hurts beyond what I thought it would and is totally why I haven’t been able to do this since the start.  

[Cookiesandough]

Well you ARE making the best decision in a go nowhere situation like this where it is causing you more grief than happiness. It will be hard of course but it will lead you to a more better future where you are free of this and you aren’t hurting 

[Minnie Moo]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well you ARE making the best decision in a go nowhere situation like this where it is causing you more grief than happiness. It will be hard of course but it will lead you to a more better future where you are free of this and you aren’t hurting 

I really do hope so.  At the moment it doesn’t feel like it. I’m desperate to know how he is. If he’s ok. I’m sad we’re not talking and laughing together anymore but I’m relieved I don’t need to stress about my phone ringing and talking to a MM behind his wife’s back   Such a conflict of emotions is driving  me mad   

 

[FMW]

I went through all that, I understand all the conflicting feelings.

A few years after I stopped seeing the MM I met the guy I've been involved with for over a  year now.  He is the best guy I've known after my dad.  Comparing him to the MM is like night and day.  He's a very honest and decent guy and everyone who knows him loves him because of that.  I'm very proud to be with him.  And that's another thing - everyone knows we're together, nothing has to be hidden.  Looking back it's just icky for me to think about what I accepted, just for the occasional hits of happy. 

 I don't put up with anything now that I shouldn't, and happy is the norm.  Give your self the chance to experience that by leaving this MM solidly in the past.  

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry to be blunt, but there is nothing worse than a man who cheats on his wife who is home, caring for his young child. And then, to get her pregnant while he is chasing another woman... 

Yes, you made the right decision. This is not a man that you want in your life. I appreciate that you are highly infatuated with him and you are missing his presence in your life at the moment... but, you made the right decision. 

2 hours ago, Minnie Moo said:

I wasn’t the only person he had slept with from the dance scene

Even better, he is apparently a serial cheat. 

Quote

 

(When you asked him if he has slept with another woman)... He would always get incredibly cross and upset at me if I brought these rumours up and would not speak to me for a couple of days until I apologised for mentioning them.

Fast forward to October last year and he started to go a bit quiet and odd with me and I couldn’t quite place what was happening. Eventually at one point I asked him if his wife was pregnant as he’d mentioned her being sick and in hospital with it.  He didn’t answer the question but ended up convincing me I was stupid for suggesting she was. 

 

I hate to say it, but you are in another emotionally relationship. These are the behaviours of an emotionally abusive man - how dare you question him when you suspect he has had sex with another woman? How dare you ask if his wife is pregnant? He’s going to ignore you, blame shift, and degrade you by telling you that YOU are stupid for even asking... when in fact, it is true. 

I wish you strength, truly. I hope this man is in your rear view mirror because he is BAD news. And if I man, I would gently suggest that you find yourself a counsellor before you find yourself another man because... as we say around here, your picker is definitely off. 

Again, sorry to be blunt but it does not serve you to romanticize this man and this relationship. Take care. 

Edited March 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[deepthinking]

I think you were lonely and then went dancing and then you met him.  Play the field in future.  Or just stick to a social life to stop the loneliness.  It's just a phase.

Edited March 8, 2021 by deepthinking

[Minnie Moo]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry to be blunt, but there is nothing worse than a man who cheats on his wife who is home, caring for his young child. And then, to get her pregnant while he is chasing another woman... 

Yes, you made the right decision. This is not a man that you want in your life. I appreciate that you are highly infatuated with him and you are missing his presence in your life at the moment... but, you made the right decision. 

Even better, he is apparently a serial cheat. 

I hate to say it, but you are in another emotionally relationship. These are the behaviours of an emotionally abusive man - how dare you question him when you suspect he has had sex with another woman? How dare you ask if his wife is pregnant? He’s going to ignore you, blame shift, and degrade you by telling you that YOU are stupid for even asking... when in fact, it is true. 

I wish you strength, truly. I hope this man is in your rear view mirror because he is BAD news. And if I man, I would gently suggest that you find yourself a counsellor before you find yourself another man because... as we say around here, your picker is definitely off. 

Again, sorry to be blunt but it does not serve you to romanticize this man and this relationship. Take care. 

Thanks @BaileyB My picker is most definitely off.  The more I look at/pick apart his behaviour the more I agree with you that he’s an emotionally manipulative person.  I have no proof of other relationships except the word of one girl who said he was a ‘persistent pest’ in trying to persuade her to sleep with him so she blocked him. And the rumours about the other girl (his main dance partner) I always think No smoke without fire though.   
 

I have self referred for counselling and hopefully that will start soon. 

thank you for your bluntness  it is much needed so I don’t daydream and start believing how lovely he was to me